by A M Heath
His words struck like a slap in the face. My face fell, and I was too stunned to even form tears.
His shoulders sank, and he frowned. “That’s not what I meant, Natalie.”
I only blinked, still too hurt to fight back.
Sanford growled and scraped a hand across his face, letting it fall to his lap. “I’m sorry for what I said. You’re not distasteful. Kissing you wasn’t distasteful … but what they did in there sure was.”
I still couldn’t form words, so I remained silent while he continued to prattle on.
“We were ambushed and bullied into sharing our first kiss in front of strangers.”
“Our only kiss,” I interrupted with a whisper.
“What?”
I licked my lips. “You said our first kiss, but a first kiss implies that there will be a second. That was our only kiss.”
He watched me for what felt like an eternity. “Yeah, well ...” He turned away and exhaled, staring out the window. He flipped his gaze to me. “What do you say we head back? We can eat at my place, then finish our visits.”
I nodded, so he pulled out, not saying another word. In fact, we didn’t speak the rest of the way to his house. I didn’t know if he was reliving the kiss or working to forget it. But the sweet parts mingled with the sad until I didn’t even want to dwell on it a moment longer.
We sat around his kitchen table, still cloaked in the same awkward silence we had ridden there in. Once finished, I rose to throw away my trash, very much aware of Sanford drawing near to do the same.
But instead of tossing his box in the can and walking away, he lingered there beside me.
“Natalie.”
A flush rode the length of my body. I angled my head and met his stormy eyes.
“I really am sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. But … that kiss back there, that was only because of peer pressure.”
My heart plummeted, but I held up under the disappointment.
He leaned forward, gripped both of my shoulders, and pressed a tender kiss against my forehead. “But that one,” he said, leaning away and peering back into my eyes. “That one was for old time’s sake.”
I gave him a small smile, and he returned it. I couldn't make him love me, but I could accept the small gifts he was willing to offer in the name of friendship. I found I wanted that just as much as I wanted a deeper relationship with him.
Sanford sent me an uncertain look. “Do you want to finish these visits?”
I nodded, finding it much easier to feel joyful again. “Oh,” I said, reaching across the counter. “Don’t forget your cocoa.” A slow smile inched across my face and into my eyes.
Sanford eyed it, then me. He took it with a chuckle. “Can’t forget the cocoa.” He lifted the cup. “To us.”
“To us,” I repeated, praying there was still some form of us left to toast to.
Sanford:
Another week of cocoa and Christmas projects, and I was staring down another Saturday. The itchy anxiety riding below the surface forced me to work that morning, even though I hadn’t planned on it. It was foolish on account of only having a couple hours of myself to offer. But I needed something to do, somewhere to go where Kelly and Natalie didn’t interfere.
My heart drummed in my chest as I thought about my kiss with Natalie. She was the first woman I had kissed since Kelly. It was such a simple kiss. Just a press of the lips, and yet I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I kept reliving the moment again and again until I wanted to kick over a tree, as Natalie had warned me against.
What was wrong with me? I had never been attracted to Natalie. And I still wasn’t. The kiss we shared didn’t really even qualify as a kiss. Not really.
I growled under my breath. It was a kiss, alright. And the thought of it made me flush all over.
But why did it even matter? Was it because she was the first person I had kissed in six years? Or was it Natalie who had affected me so much? But that would never do. Never. Never.
Not Natalie. Especially not Natalie.
A glance at the clock had me exhaling.
“You alright, boss?” Corine’s cheery voice startled me from behind.
“Yeah. Thank you.”
She perked up and skipped away.
I watched her go, then took up my coat and left in search of Viola.
She stood in the kitchen with R.J. and two others. “You heading out?”
I nodded. “I’m sorry, I can’t stay longer. We have a game this morning, then … my grandmother.”
Everyone grinned at me.
“This will be over soon, don’t worry.”
“I was hoping it never would,” Viola said.
I ignored the comment, waved goodbye, and left. It’ll be over soon.
Natalie:
I massaged my temples. Saturdays were supposed to be relaxing days, but it was hard to unwind. I wasn’t sure that I had fully relaxed since Sanford kissed me. We had seemed … resolved after the diner. But Sunday afternoon, everything shifted again. Sanford was back to pushing me away. Giving me the cold shoulder. Trying to avoid me, despite me being in the same room.
Gone was the hint of comradery we found in the toy store. Or even the hesitant truce we crafted while baking cookies. And I missed him now more than ever.
My heart sped up, and just the thought of his impassioned kiss at the diner made me warm all over. He said it was all because of peer pressure, but peer pressure didn’t account for the heat I had seen in his eyes or for the way he had lingered.
But less than twenty-four hours later, and it was as if we’d stepped back instead of forward. What more could I possibly do? Our stint as his Christmas Ghosts was halfway through.
“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You know better than that by now.”
The words of Susan came flooding back. Her counsel was sound as it pertained to Yolanda and her treatment. Yolanda had once again stopped doing her exercises at home, and any progress we had made had been washed down the drain. It frustrated me to see it. But Susan was right. I couldn’t help Yolanda more than Yolanda was willing to help herself. But Sanford wasn’t the same. Sanford needed me. He needed the urging. I had promised him I wouldn’t give up on him, and I meant it.
I shook my head against my own thoughts of walking away. I won’t do it, Lord. I can’t. You know that. I’m all in. Please, help me to be victorious.
Taking up my purse, I headed for the door. Today was another day. Another opportunity to reach Sanford before our reasons for hanging out together were over.
After driving to Ms. Carol’s house and picking her and the kids up, we drove to the old school gym. Today’s plan was to watch Sanford’s team play, then watch the Christmas parade in town.
We got out of the car. Mia and Hunter trotted off to the door of the gym, while I walked beside Ms. Carol.
“Is Sanford expecting us?”
The older lady shot me a look. “What do you think?”
“Is he going to be angry?” I said, pulling in my lip.
“He’ll be fine. It’s for his own good. Besides, this is a public event. He can’t keep us out of the gym.”
Of course, she was right. We hadn’t come this far by giving him the space he wanted. There was no reason to back down now. Even if I did feel sick to my stomach.
We walked into the gym, a stuffy heat encasing us at once. Mia and Hunter were waiting for us at the ticket table, so we paid our fee. Taped to the table was the day’s game schedule. From the looks of it, game days were twelve-hour days.
“Can we get popcorn, Granny?”
Ms. Carol was no match for the expectant looks or the tempting smell of popcorn.
The sound of squeaky sneakers thundering down the court from the game already in progress spilled out of the gym doors and into the lobby. The buzzer rang just as we entered.
I scanned the bleachers, looking for Sanford. The teams were made up of students from the same sch
ool, so there was no home or away side. Just a mass of people.
“There he is!” Mia shouted.
“Where? I don’t see him,” Ms. Carol said, straining to see where Mia had pointed.
“She’s not talking about Sanford, she’s talking about Eli,” Hunter said with a roll of his eyes.
Ms. Carol gasped, eyes lighting up.
I sent Hunter a look of sympathy. “Are you okay?” I mouthed.
He shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I mean, we’re just friends.”
I nodded and placed my hand on his back.
He pulled away, sweeping his bangs back with a jerk of his head. “Hey, there’s Uncle Sanford.”
By now, Mia had charged down the sidelines for Eli.
I turned to Sanford, sitting in the stands, elbows on his knees, his eyes watching the movement on the court. We still had about ten minutes before Sanford’s team was scheduled to play.
Hunter started up the bleachers for him, gaining Sanford’s attention.
When his eyes slipped past Hunter and locked onto mine, he all but scowled at me.
My stomach dipped low.
He rose from his seat and jogged down the steps to help his Granny up them.
My heart sighed, even as I stared at his blue coach’s shirt from behind. He was a good man. And we were right to be here, to be forcing him out of his comfort zone. He needed his family, and Lord help me, but I prayed that he still needed me too.
Sanford had found a place near the top of the bleachers where there were plenty of open seats, and I soon found out why when boys in matching blue shirts began flocking to him.
I couldn’t keep the grin off my face as I watched him with his boys, hearing them call him Coach Sanford, and watching them high-five him on their way to their new seat. He was certainly in his element here, and I was glad we made a point to come, regardless of what he wanted. I needed to see that this side of him still existed.
An hour later and the game was over, lost by two points in one thrilling game. Excitement still pulsed through my veins as I followed Hunter and Ms. Carol down the bleacher steps, with Mia and Eli walking behind me.
Sanford gathered his team together on the other side of the gym to talk, and the parents began trickling down the sidelines to wait for their sons.
Once finished, the group dispersed and filed down the sidelines once more, just as a new game was starting up. We waited near the door for Sanford to return.
“Natalie! Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here!”
I drew up short at the sound of Kelly’s voice, her presence now registering in my mind. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of years at least and hadn’t expected to run into her now.
Kelly’s arms were around my neck in a quick hug as I stuttered my greeting. A slight bulge pressed against my arm before she pulled away.
I cleared my throat. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, my stepson is playing this year.” She pointed over her shoulder where, sure enough, a boy clad in black gym shorts and a blue shirt walked with a man who was certainly not Perry.
I blinked back my surprise, dropping my gaze to her midsection.
She gave a wide grin, pulling the boy to her side as the pair came level with her. “This is Lane, my stepson, and this is Mike, my new husband.” Kelly looked around me, where I now stood alone since Ms. Carol was chatting it up with the infamous Eli just yards away. “Who are you here with?”
My mouth dried. No husband. No child on a team. No niece or nephew. It didn’t matter. I waved my finger behind her. “I-I uh, I’m here to watch Sanford’s team play.” I grinned down at the boy. “Which I suppose means I was here to see you as well.”
She looked surprised but pushed on. “Oh, I didn’t realize you and Sanford were still friends. That’s good.” With a toothy grin, she patted her stomach. “Then I suppose you already know that our little family is growing.”
I shoved away my surprise and smiled, congratulating the couple.
“I’ll finish introducing you later,” she said with a wink.
“Yeah, sure.” I smiled and nodded as they passed by me, my gaze falling on Sanford, who stopped several steps back while I was talking to Kelly.
Even from a distance, I could see his jaw tighten. He wagged his head. You shouldn’t have come, I was certain was his message.
He moved closer, but, before I could say a word, he growled, “Not now, Natalie.”
I reached out and grasped his arm.
He stopped and stared down at me.
“If not now, then when?”
He shrugged. “Never?”
“Sanford,” I said, giving his arm a squeeze, “not talking about it isn’t helping you.”
“What did you want me to say?” he hissed, leaning down so I could hear his whisper above the noise. “My ex fiancée cheated on her husband, then rushed to get divorced so she could marry her baby’s father.” He threw a palm in the air, letting it fall by his side. “Yeah, I’d rather not.”
I bit my lip and held back the rush of tears. “I’m sorry.” And I was. I was sorry he had ever met that woman. Sorry he had been carrying all this around for weeks without telling either of us. Sorry he still hadn’t learned to let her go.
He shrugged out of my hold. “I don’t want your pity, Natalie.”
And once again, I watched him walk away, my heart twisting inside.
Sanford:
The game was over but Granny’s challenge remained. After a shower and a change of clothes, I walked up to Granny’s door, but she met me and pushed me back out. “We’re ready leave.”
I shrugged and backed away. “Sure, Granny. Do you want me to drive?”
“Will you?”
I gave her a nod.
“I call shotgun!” Hunter said, racing to my car.
“Let Natalie sit up front, Hunter.”
Hunter spun around, already standing at the door.
“No, he’s fine. Go ahead, Hunter.”
I felt Granny’s cold glare and Natalie’s wide eyes, but I didn’t meet either of them.
After loading the car, I drove them through town, passing each garland-wrapped pole, each with a festive evergreen wreath and red ribbon. Unlit lights twisted up the poles on top of the evergreen. I found a parking spot in a vacant lot alongside the parade route. I tried with all my might to set aside the awkwardness of watching Natalie talk with Kelly at the gym. I never wanted them to find out about Kelly’s new marriage and upcoming child, which was stupid of me considering how small our town was. Since I hadn’t crossed paths with Kelly in years, hiding the truth of the situation from everyone else seemed possible. Maybe telling Granny or Natalie sooner would have been easier than watching their reunion in person, and seeing the shock and concern on Natalie’s face when it was over. But I just didn’t want to see their pitying reactions, as if anything Kelly did still mattered to me. They would expect me to be upset, and they wouldn’t believe that I didn’t care.
I exhaled and set my mind on the parade. These Christmas challenges were nearly over. I just had to stick them out a little longer. Keep playing along. Keep showing up and agreeing with whatever my grandmother said. I could handle that. The worst was surely over by now anyway.
We pulled out the blankets and chairs we had loaded and walked to the front of the car. People lined both sides of the street, sitting in chairs on the sidewalk or on the tailgates of pickup trucks parked in parking lots with their beds facing the road.
In the distance, we could hear the tattering of drums from the school band.
We unfolded our five camping chairs and lined them up, just as others in the lot were doing. Granny sat between the two kids and spread out her blanket for the three of them to share. She turned to me. “Natalie has the other blanket. The two of you can share it.”
I glanced down at Natalie and the heavy quilt she was spreading out in her lap. Sure, it looked comfortable and warm, but snuggled close to Natalie was the last place I wanted to be.
<
br /> “I’m fine,” I said, shoving my hands into my pockets and not even sitting in my chair.
Moments before the parade began, Granny called out to me. “Are you okay today, Sanford?”
I peered at her from over my shoulder. “I’m fine, Granny,” I said, keeping my voice light. “I think I’ll grab us some cocoa. Does anyone want a cup?”
Granny’s eyes shot up. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
I chuckled. “Fine and dandy. Just going through withdrawals now, is all.”
After eyeing me for another moment, she said, “Alright then, if you’re sure. I suppose I could go for some.”
Hunter and Mia quickly agreed.
I forced myself to look down at Natalie. “Natalie?”
She lifted her head, setting those wounded eyes on me.
Something stirred within, something that longed to reach out and comfort her. Something that begged to get closer. But Natalie had tried to manipulate me before, and I didn’t want that sort of unsteady relationship. I wanted a woman who wouldn’t leave me for another man or wouldn’t let jealousy turn her into a conniving person. No matter how our kiss at the diner replayed in my mind and tempted me to draw near, I wouldn’t. So I pushed aside every warring temptation and kept my face as neutral as possible.
“No, thank you,” she said softly. “I’m fine.”
I gave her a nod of acceptance and walked away. Distance. Distance was much safer and less confusing.
Natalie:
I walked through the house and into the kitchen, following the smell of freshly baked gingerbread. Sanford was back at his place, Mia was home, and Hunter was upstairs. Seeing Kelly today still had me reeling. No wonder Sanford had been out of sorts, even more than normal.
I kept replaying the wounded look in his eyes. Kept hearing his accusation in my ears. He thought I had manipulated the situation with Kelly to my advantage, and he couldn’t have been more wrong. There went that sinking feeling again. He was wrong then, but was he wrong now?