Without Hesitation

by CJ Azevedo

  This time she stepped even closer, placing her body between his legs, gripping the stool on either side of him, then leaned in seductively. “Then as my friend, you’re going to help me put Greyden in his place and then I promise to leave so you can get yourself one of these little hookers that love you boys so much.”

  Sloan laughed and pulled her into his arms.

  This wouldn’t get her what she wanted, she knew that. It wouldn’t get her a husband (Greyden as her husband to be exact), or her white picket fence and the four children she’s always wanted, but it will give some semblance of satisfaction that she wasn’t going to sit around and wait for an eternity for him while he gets his life in order and screws everything in sight in the meantime. That was the old Macie, this is the new…and improved, if you ask her.

  The effects of the alcohol had taken up a keen residence within Macie and she had become quite comfortable flirting with Sloan. He was holding her up and flirting just enough with her to make it feel real, even to her. Before she got past the point of caring, she noticed the glares from Greyden, but it didn’t do what she hoped it would. It wasn’t satisfying. She wanted to go curl up in his lap and go to sleep while taking in his familiarity.

  Over the next couple of days, Macie was strongly reminded by Declan of how her night went and how it ended. She couldn’t remember. Apparently Greyden carried her all the way back to their room and put her to bed. He was pretty pissed off, so she woke up exactly how she left the club, although he was feeling generous enough to remove her shoes, but other than that he didn’t bother helping her change or wash her face, brush her teeth, shower, nothing. The next morning he was gone to the hotel’s gym and then the rest of the weekend he and Dec had meetings. When Declan and Ava were together, Greyden was MIA and that left Macie to her own adventures on the strip.

  On the way back home, Greyden acted his typical jovial self, even with Macie, as if he hadn’t completely abandoned her since Saturday morning. She tried impressively hard to stay upbeat with him, but she wasn’t as good at it. Once again, her future had washed out to sea, only this time she was pretty certain it wasn’t just on hold. She had a terrible feeling that the tide wouldn’t be coming back in.

  When they arrived at her house, Greyden and Declan took her bags inside while she collected her phone and purse and reassured a concerned Ava that everything was just fine. She couldn’t fake her smile for much longer without her face breaking, so she quickly made plans to do lunch that week and got out of there.

  Dec hugged her at the door and told her he would see her later. When she went in, Grey was just coming from taking her bags to her room. He was walking with his hands in his pockets and his head down. Macie knew a conversation was getting ready to happen and apparently it was going to be lengthy since he didn’t go home with Dec and Ava and his car wasn’t at Macie’s, either. Macie deposited her purse and phone in the bowl by the door and decided a glass of wine was in order.

  She grabbed a beer for Grey and went to the living room where he was sitting on the sofa; she chose her favorite chair after handing him the beer. She directed their last conversation and it didn’t go how she wanted it to, so she figured she’d sit there all night waiting on him to find his words if she had to.

  The minutes ticked by, her wine slowly disappearing when Greyden finally cleared his throat. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Mace.” He sighed heavily and rubbed his chin with his free hand, the other steadying the beer on his knee. “I’m destroying you and I literally can’t stand to watch it anymore.” He took a large swallow of his beer then rested his head on the back of the sofa. “Tell me what to do from here. Where do we go?”

  Macie’s heart continued to break. She knew he was hurting, that he was confused and troubled by the cards he’d been dealt, and she wanted it to all go away as much as he did, if not more. “We work so much better together, Grey, you just have to let me in. Let me back in and we can be a team. I can help you, not hinder you. Us apart—that’s what’s destroying me. We already know we need each other, so why fight the inevitable? Just give in to it and let me help, let me love you.” As much as she wanted to slide over to him and hug him and kiss him, she didn’t. She remained rooted to her chair as tears slid down her cheeks. With each word she poured her heart into, she could see him shutting down. Once her tears started, he looked away and wouldn’t look back.

  Greyden leaned forward, staring at the carpet as he spoke in low, measured words. “Macie, I’m barely hanging on by a thread, just barely.” He raised his head and leveled his gaze towards her. “I haven’t seen you in what, a month? I don’t even have time to actually talk on the phone, it’s just texting with us and it’s because of just that—I don’t have the time. I know it seems like a good idea, but I would be a totally absent boyfriend and I refuse to do that to you. Any free minute I have, my mom swoops in for something or another and if it’s not her, then my dad needs me. Macie, I’m about to lose my damn mind.”

  Macie sat there for a minute and pondered how to proceed. She knew he was struggling, she just wasn’t aware of the extent of it. Now that she knew, she needed to reel in her anger and take a different path. The path she knew she needed to take was about as rocky as they came, with danger signs posted all over the place, but she didn’t have a choice. For Greyden’s sanity and the safekeeping of her heart, she had to go there.

  Getting up and taking the three steps to sit next to him felt as if she were walking the green mile, and if she were talking in terms of her dream future, she kind of was. She sat close to him and grasped his hand. Swallowing down the lump on her throat, she prepared to take the reins and do what was necessary to help the love of her life. Even if it killed her.

  “I’m here to help with whatever your parents need, Grey. You call me when it’s something you can pass on to me, okay?” She waited for him to nod. “Other than that, I don’t want to make things difficult for you, that has never been my intention. I only want what’s best for you.” Macie chewed on her bottom lip before continuing on to the next part, the part that was almost physically impossible to spit out. Taking a deep breath, she blew it out and prepared herself for her next step. “It seems like I’ve happily waited half of my life for you, without regret, but maybe that’s where I messed up.”

  “Don’t say that,” Greyden interrupted her as he pulled her into a hug.

  Macie pulled back and smiled at him sadly. “I just think that maybe now is the time where we give up the idea that we have a future. Maybe that way we can both move on; you can stop feeling guilty and I can stop feeling angry.”

  Greyden didn’t know what to say. He shook his head, though, because he did know he wasn’t ready to give up the idea of their future together.

  “I’ll be one less item on your shoulders, Grey. We’ll still be friends, maybe not keep in such close contact for a while; you know, let me deal with this first, but I’ll still be around for your parents and you’ll still buy me my bikinis.” She smiled a small smile, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

  Greyden still just shook his head as he frowned at her. She leaned forward and kissed his wrinkled forehead, letting her fingers glide through his hair. He wrapped both of his arms around her waist tightly, holding her to him.

  “Snuggle with me tonight? We’ll start the distance thing tomorrow.”

  Greyden pulled back and looked deep into her eyes. “I love you, Butterfly. All I have right now is our future. Don’t take that away from me. ”

  Macie’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m taking it away from me, Grey. You hang on to whatever you need to. And I will always love you.”

  Chapter Twenty

  March 11, 2014

  Greyden and Macie

  Greyden

  I’ve been planning the perfect proposal for Macie all week. I told her I wasn’t waiting anymore and I wasn’t lying. I’m going over and talking to her parents this afternoon since I know Mark is off from work, then I’ll go over and talk to Dec. I
’m sure they’ll all be fine with it—well, I’m actually not sure about her mom. I haven’t spoken to her since the whole Mitch disaster so we’ll have to see about that one, but I guarantee she’s not stopping me.

  Macie’s due back tonight and I’ve asked her to come straight to my place. I’m not proposing tonight, that’ll come tomorrow, but the proposal as a whole starts when she gets here. I’ve been flying higher than the Empire State Building this week knowing that my girl is in a place that she’s been searching for a long time (me too, for that matter). I can’t wait for everything to fall into place.

  Claudia brings me a cup of coffee along with a file of papers that need to be gone through and signed. Claudia is one subject that I haven’t addressed with Macie. I’ve been avoiding it when we talk and she hasn’t brought it back up. I’m nowhere near ready to let go of Claudia. I’m not afraid to admit that she makes this office operate like a well-oiled machine and without her I would be back to the scattered mess I was when Macie gave up on me. I just need to find a way to explain that to Macie and see if it’s something she can compromise on.

  My phone rings just as I take a sip of coffee. Claudia picks up the handset from my desk. “Greyden Michaels’ office, Claudia speaking. May I help you?”

  I set my cup down and wait for the phone but the way Claudia tenses up has me standing, immediately reaching for it.

  “He’s right here, ma’am.” She covers the receiver and whispers, “Your mom.”

  And just like that, I fall from the very top of the Empire State Building.

  My dad died twenty minutes ago.

  I swallow the tears that come the instant my mother’s sobs register. When she’s finally able to get the words out, she explains that she had lay down in his bed with him to cuddle like she did every morning after breakfast. He put a shaky hand on her back and whispered, “I love you,” then took his last breath.

  I cover the receiver and ask Claudia to give me a minute. I know she’s concerned and wants to be here for me, but my parents kept my dad’s illness a secret for nearly ten years. I’m not about to blast his death to just anyone and everyone now.

  As soon as she closed the door softly behind her, my tears fall and I cry on the phone with my mom. After we had a few minutes of just crying together, I assure her I’ll call Sharon the Hospice nurse and then my mom’s sister on my way over. I reluctantly hang up so I can get to her faster and don’t even bother with anything else in my office, only making sure I have my phone.

  I need Macie.

  Several people work in my building. They have all worked for years with my dad and I know they’ve made their own assumptions about him since he just kind of disappeared. If you’re retiring, you play golf and you fish, you don’t disappear, never to be heard from again. Well, that’s the route my dad chose. Nobody has asked any questions, they just accepted me as the new CEO and left it at that, but I know my eyes are bloodshot and I’m sure my whole face is red right now. Claudia will know immediately.

  “Claudia, can you come in here a moment please?” I call on the intercom.

  She comes in quietly and sits down in the chair on the other side of my desk. I’ve got to go, so I’m just leaning on the desk.

  “You did not take that phone call this morning, okay?” I keep my voice low, but it’s stern so she understands how serious I am as I stare down at her.

  She nods her head sharply. “Of course not.”

  “I’ve got to go and I’ll be out for a few days. Take messages and cancel my meetings. I’ll be in touch with you tonight or tomorrow morning to fill you in.”

  Claudia stands up and hugs me. I swallow down the emotions that threaten to take over as I hug her back. Thankfully, she doesn’t linger and when she sees that I’m not very strong right now, she looks away. “Don’t worry about a thing here, boss. I’ll take care of everything; you just take care of you and call me if you need anything at all. Even a Starbucks run.”

  “Thanks, Claud.”

  I get a small, sad smile from her before she goes back out to her desk.

  Once I get in the car, I call the nurse so she can get out there and get everything going with that. Then I call my aunty because as much as I know my mom wants me home, she needs her sister there more. I call the funeral home last, so they can prepare to come and pick up my dad.

  My parents live right next door to Macie’s parents. They’ve been friends since we moved here when I was thirteen and as far as I know, they never knew my dad had a bad heart. I know I have to go tell them before the funeral home shows up to carry away their lifeless friend.

  I’m the first to arrive home. I lean back against my car and start to call Macie, but pause, sighing in relief to see that my mom’s sister is pulling in already. Aunty works fast in an emergency.

  She gets out of the car, crying and still in her pajamas. She hugs me but never says a word, just shakes her head and cries and shakes her head some more, then goes in to find my mom.

  “Good morning,” Macie says in a sleepy voice. My heart hurts like hell but she’s the balm it needs.

  “Good morning, baby.” My throat is clogged with unshed tears and anger, so it’s raspy and cracked a little. Plus, it isn’t a good morning; it’s a shitty morning, but I can’t very well greet her with that.

  “Grey? What’s wrong?” she asks, far more awake and alarmed than a moment ago.

  I clear my throat and prepare myself to say the words that felt like a knife each time they came out of my mouth. I’ve already learned not to use the word “died.” That just seemed too harsh. “Died” or “dead” made me feel like I was dismissing him completely or disrespecting this huge moment in my life. Whatever the reason, using those words was out.

  “Greyden, baby, you’re scaring me. What happened? Is it your dad?”

  I clear my throat again. “Yeah.”

  “Oh, God.” I hear rustling around, then footsteps. I imagine she just jumped out of bed.

  “He just passed away, Mace.” The words barely audible and I swallow hard.

  Everything goes silent. No footsteps, no moving of the covers, no breathing. I squat down on the side of my car and bury my face in the tops of my legs as I rub the top of my head and back of my neck vigorously. A tortured sob tears through my chest, so painful I’ve never felt anything like it. A nervous energy hits me harshly and I continue to rub my head, trying to relieve the pain.

  Macie lets me have a minute to just be. When I can control the shuddering wracks of sobs that suddenly hit me like a category five tornado, I tell her I need to go over and explain what happened to her parents.

  “No, wait for me. I’m already in my car. As long as I don’t hit traffic, I’ll be there in less than thirty minutes.”

  “I wish I could, Butterfly, but the funeral home will be here soon and your parents should hear it from me before they show up and I really need to get in there to be with my mom.”

  “Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?” My brave girl. I can hear that she’s crying, but she’s being so strong for me and I love her all the more for that.

  “No. I want you to stop crying before you start driving. Drink a cup of tea and wake up before you get on the road. Promise me?”

  She pauses, probably trying to find away around my request. “I promise.”

  “I love you. Be careful and keep your phone on.”

  “Greyden, I’m so sorry I’m not there. I love you too, more than anything, and would give anything to be with you right now,” Macie says in a rush.

  “You’ll be here in about an hour, sweetheart. Don’t worry about it, just drive safe.”

  Mrs. James answers the door bright and cheery, like normal. She’s been back to normal with me since the day Macie and I broke up, but when she gets a good look at me, her demeanor changes and she reaches to pull me inside.

  That talk goes about as well as expected. Nancy gets hysterical and Mark grieves silently. I apologize for the secrecy and ask that they try to u
nderstand. Mark does but Nancy does not. She doesn’t understand how they were able to lie about something for so long living right next door to them. I explain the trips they never took, just said they did; really, they were either home or in the hospital. And the hospice nurse made it possible to keep a lot hidden.

  I also ask that they wait until tomorrow to go see my mom. Nancy will hear nothing of the sort; her words not mine. She says she’ll be over tonight with dinner and that my mom is one of her best friends; there’s no way she’s staying away.

  She sends me home with some muffins she had just made that morning, kisses me on the cheek, and sends her love. I don’t know how much of this I’m going to be able to handle. Crying women bother me; they make my heart physically hurt. And now I’ll be surrounded by them.

  I find my aunt in the kitchen making a fresh pot of coffee.

  “She’s in the room with him,” she says softly. “I can’t get her to come out, though, honestly, I didn’t try that hard. I don’t see any harm in it.”

  Going in there makes me nervous as hell. This horrible feeling comes over me each time I think about going down that hall to their room and it isn’t something I can shake. It makes me feel weak and I hate feeling weak. I scrub my face and blow out a breath.

  “This is tough, sweetie,” she says, rubbing my arm. “You don’t have to be strong. You don’t even have to see him if you don’t want to. It won’t do you any different if you do. All you have to do is be there for your momma, that’s all. If you need me to go in there and be with her while she’s still in there, then that’s what I’ll do. You just let me know.”