by CJ Azevedo
With her being five foot nothing like my mom, I lean way down to kiss her forehead. “No, I need to go in there. I’m just not sure how I’m going to handle it.”
“Doesn’t matter how you handle it, Greyden. It just matters that you do.”
I walk towards my parents’ bedroom, a bedroom that I have been in a million times before, but this time it’s something different entirely. I know once I walk through that door my life is going to change, my world will be different, and it’s almost like I’m heading towards doomsday and turning around is not an option. My breathing has changed, the air seems thicker, my palms are sweaty and my heart is beating so hard…slow, heavy and hard. I stop halfway down the hallway, my legs too heavy to carry me any further at the moment, and lean against the wall. I look straight across and am faced with a picture of my dad and I when I earned my orange belt as a kid.
“I’m so proud of you, son. You worked really hard for this and you got it just like you wanted. You can have anything you want when you work hard. You’re going to be the world’s greatest fighter. I just know it. I love you, son.”
I swipe the tears from my face and reach over to run my finger across the picture. My dad was my biggest fan…until he couldn’t be anymore. I shake the cement blocks from my feet as best I can and make my way to my mom, who must be dying a thousand deaths right now.
She’s in a chair next to his bed, half lying on the bed with him; I think she may be asleep.
“He said he was so proud of you.” Her shaky voice comes out in a whisper, without lifting her head. “Last night when I came to bed. He woke up and said to tell you that. I was so upset when I called you that I forgot that part.”
Hearing that makes my body go weak with sadness. I’m so damn sad. My dad was never one to be too prideful to tell me he was proud of me. I heard it all the time, but today it’s painful to hear. I look away and find their wedding photo hanging over their bed. I shake my head at the unfairness of it all. Why did he have to die?
“Mom, I don’t know what to say or do.”
This time she looks up, but doesn’t let go of my dad’s hand. “Sweetheart, you’ve already done everything for me. Thank you for making all of those calls. I know I need to call so many more, but I just can’t right now. I don’t want to.”
I walk closer even though I really don’t want to. Having his body there is really strange. I’ve heard it’s like they’re just sleeping. I call bullshit. This is not like he’s just sleeping. Something’s not right in here. I wrap my mom in my arms as best I can given she won’t let go of my dad, but she sinks into me and I know she needs me right now too. Running the hell out of here isn’t an option.
Sharon, the nurse, comes in behind us and quietly makes her way up to my dad. She greets us politely then begins checking his vitals. She writes in her notebook and lets us know that the funeral home is here, waiting in the living room. She asks what we want him to wear to the funeral home. I can’t figure out why that would be an important question.
“The pajamas he’s wearing are fine,” my mother answers, then turns to me. “We won’t get them back, Grey, is why she’s asking.”
Why would we want them back? I rub my forehead to try and keep that question in. I need to not get frustrated today; that’s what I need to focus on.
“The gentlemen from the funeral home will have some questions for you and paperwork for you to sign, if you’d like to take care of that while I get him ready,” Sharon suggests to my mom in her soothing tone.
I can see Mom start to freak out at the idea of leaving him already, so I grasp her shoulders quickly and rub softly. “I’ll go take care of that. You stay here with Dad.”
She relaxes and thanks me before sitting back down and grabbing his hand again. She isn’t going to handle them taking him away well at all, which means I’m not going to handle this well either. Where the hell is Macie?
I pull my phone out and see that she tried calling, along with everyone else. I guess her parents have spread the word. I better call Claudia while I’m at it and read my texts. Macie texted that she came up on a bad accident and is sitting on the freeway, it’s going to be a while before she gets to me.
I call Claudia and nobody had called about my dad, so thankfully Nancy must’ve only called Declan. I go ahead and explain what happened and ask that she type up a memo for our employees and long-time clients and send it out the following morning.
In the family room sit two gentlemen being served coffee and muffins by my aunt. They wear nice suits and seem very pleasant, not at all like I’d pictured undertakers. It’s funny, though, I hadn’t realized all morning that I’m wearing a suit until I saw them. Suddenly I feel constricted, tied down. I can’t breathe. I take off my jacket and lay it across the back of the chair as I greet them, then quickly undo my tie, yanking it out of my collar and unbuttoning the first few buttons. I undo my cuffs and roll up my sleeves as quickly as possible, ready to shake hands with them by the time I cross the room.
We sit down and I answer their questions as my aunt sits next to me, rubbing my back in support. I’m doing fine until they ask the one question that made my dad’s death as real as it could be.
“Would you prefer his face be covered with the sheet when we take him outside or do you want it showing?”
My answer?
“Why the fuck would I want it showing?”
Apparently they’ve gotten this response before, because the guy doesn’t even flinch. “Sir, sometimes covering the face is a little too real for the families, so we always give the option. It’s completely up to you.”
“I think you should probably cover it,” my aunt replies as I work on calming myself down. I shouldn’t be mad at them; these guys have a shitty job.
“I apologize.” That’s all they’re getting from me at the moment. All I can picture is my dad’s lifeless form covered by a sheet and that isn’t helping my situation.
“No need to apologize, sir. Today is a bad day. You owe nobody anything. Just keep that in mind. If you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go check in with the nurse now.”
I grab my phone out of my pocket and leave my aunt to follow the guys so I can call Macie.
“Hi. How are you? How’s your mom?” she asks when she picks up.
“I’m ready for you to be here and my mom is exactly how you would imagine. How much longer, baby?”
I hear her sigh heavily and know that it’s not good news. “The sheriff just stopped by and told us that there were fatalities, so we’re waiting on the coroner to arrive. They have the fire department out here with the Jaws of Life working on one car now and they’re working on getting the semi out of the middle of the road. So they’re thinking maybe another hour or so.”
“Someone with you, Butterfly? You said ‘us.’”
“Yeah. Blaine didn’t want me driving when I was upset, so he drove me and Tucker followed us.” She sounds unsure and I don’t like that.
“Tell him thank you. I appreciate it. The guys from the funeral home are getting ready to take him, so I better go get to my mom. I’ll see you when you get here.”
While I was on the phone, one of the guys came out to the black Suburban and took out the gurney. I follow him inside but stay in the family room where my mom sits with my aunt. A few minutes later, the deafening clinking of the gurney wheels comes from the hallway and my head snaps up.
I will never get that image out of my head. I haven’t been able to refer to my dad as dead all morning, but lying on that gurney covered in a crisp white sheet with perfect crease marks across it, he was exactly that. Dead.
Now I understand why they give you the option of leaving his face uncovered. Every horror movie or crime show you’ve ever watched shows the dead body being wheeled out on a gurney covered in a white sheet. But I’m not about to let the neighbors watch my dead dad be wheeled away one last time; this is private. The man didn’t even want them to know he was sick, for heaven’s sake, he definitely would
n’t have wanted them to see him like this.
After they make it out the front door, I ask my aunt to make sure they have everything they need. I don’t want to move and I know my mom won’t be able to handle much more. She tearfully agrees and follows them out with Sharon.
My mom argues, saying she needs to see him leave, that she needs that closure of him leaving their home for the last time. I help her walk out and we watch as they close the double doors on the back of the Suburban. The driver dips his head toward us and lets himself in, driving away slowly. Watching that black Suburban drive down the street I played on as I grew up, down the street where I learned to drive, is the most surreal thing. Silent tears course down my cheeks as I stand there with my mom and aunt, watching my dad leave our home for the last time ever. Right when my mom’s whaling sobs break into my thoughts, it crosses my mind that I will never look at another Suburban the same again.
I pick up my mom, who’s absolutely hysterical, and cradle her to my chest. She can barely hold her arms up to my neck to hold on. It isn’t necessary, though; she isn’t going anywhere. I climb the stairs slowly, whispering soothing words to her and telling her how much I love her. I help her into the guest bed and tuck her in before lying down next to her. She continues to cry as hard as her body allows while wrapped in my arms, murmuring incoherently about being in love forever and losing him and not finding it ever again. It breaks my heart that I can’t fix this for her, so I just stay silent and let her get it out while I cry too.
Macie
We’re finally moving again. I’ve been a complete mess all morning long and Blaine and Tucker have been amazing. They’ve been amazing since the second I met them and I know they will be some of my best friends for the rest of my life, but today they truly kept me sane. I wanted to abandon my car and walk, but we were all threatened with jail time if we did that, so they insisted that I wait it out no matter how bad it sucked to not be there for Greyden. It actually took three more hours after I talked to him and he has since texted me that he’s gone home to get some rest while his mom sleeps and to meet him there.
When I have Blaine pull into the garage, he looks at me with raised eyebrows, apparently questioning the fact that I have his garage remote programmed into my car, as if I already live with him.
“Didn’t I tell you we’re getting married and having babies?” I ask with a shrug.
He laughs and unfolds his long legs from my small car. “Yeah, you mentioned that a few times.”
I hug him and Tucker both and thank them over and over again, promising to bring Greyden out for dinner soon.
I get his mail quick, juggling everything as I unlock the house, nearly tripping through the doorway in my haste. I drop my keys, purse, and mail on the console as I call out to see where he is. “Grey? I’m home!”
“Mace?” I hear Declan question in confusion.
I spin around to find everyone sitting around my most favorite kitchen island. All the guys plus Ava. Ava places her hand on Dec to calm him as I quickly greet them. “Uh, hey. How is everyone?”
“We’re fine now, Macie. How are you?” Ava asks sweetly.
“I need to see Greyden.” I see all three guys twitch and their jaws tighten.
“He’s in his room. He was pretty tired when he got home.” Again, Ava is the one to speak. Apparently the guys are going to have to get used to Greyden and I being together again.
“Thanks, Ava.”
“Have you eaten, sweetie?”
I shake my head. “I’m fine. I just need to see Grey.”
Ava nods and the three guys all take a drink of their beers but don’t say anything more to me as I race up the stairs to the master bedroom to get my guy.
My heart drops at the sight of him. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed with his head dropped into his hands. When the door clicks closed, Greyden raises his head and his bloodshot eyes meet mine. He is so terribly sad. My body is riddled with grief for him. I don’t have the words for him, so I lock the door behind me and go straight to him. He still doesn’t say anything. I crawl onto his lap and he wraps his big arms all the way around my torso, bringing me in as close as he can get me. My legs and arms automatically wrap around him, holding tight. I bury my face into his neck and he does the same. I hold him for what seems like forever, feeling his shoulders slightly shake with his sadness. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never lost anyone, ever. Losing a parent isn’t something I’m prepared to console him about.
“I need you, Butterfly.” His voice is low and raspy. I’m not exactly sure what he means by that, but if I were forced to guess, I would have to say he needs to be intimate right now.
“I’m here,” I say as I pull back slightly and kiss just below his ear.
“I know, baby, but I need to be inside of you.” He breathes faintly down my neck. “Is that sick? Is it wrong?” He looks and sounds so lost and confused.
Like I said, I’ve never been through this before, but knowing Greyden, his need to be inside of me isn’t surprising, even in his grief.
I slowly slip my hands under his t-shirt and coax him to lift his arms so I can remove it from his toned body. I gently push him down on the bed, still straddling his jean-clad thighs. He’s just showered and I inhale him as I lean down and brush warm kisses along his chest.
“I need you right now too. I have no idea if it’s sick or wrong, but it makes since for us, don’t you think?” I whisper across his lips. His eyes are closed so I kiss those too as I make my way back up his body.
“Yeah, I guess it does,” he murmurs as I slide his jeans off of him.
I pull my dress over my head and he removes my bra without even lifting his head from the bed. He’s lying beneath me in all his naked glory. I can tell he’s not fully present with me, but it doesn’t bother me at all. I’ll do this for him. If this is what he needs, then I’ll give it to him without any words.
I slip off my panties and slowly sink down onto him. He sucks in a deep breath and his hands fly to my waist, holding me still. I concede and don’t move my hips, but instead lean forward and kiss his chest as I massage his neck and shoulders. He grips my hips tighter and begins moving me up and down in a slow rhythm.
“Macie, I…” His voice is gruff, needy, distant, and tortured as he trails off, pausing to find what he actually needs. I don’t want him talking right now, though. I don’t even want him thinking right now.
“Shhh. Just feel me, Greyden. Just concentrate on the way I feel to you right now, nothing else.” I take his mouth in mine and he kisses me fiercely as our rhythm quickens.
After some time like this, with me looking down at this gorgeous, troubled man and him relinquishing all control to allow me to ride him while he’s partially here and partially re-living memories inside his own head, he finally grasps me tightly and rolls me under him. Now he’s fully here with me and about to lose his control. He comes down to lie closely along my body, his hands on my face and my hands on his head. There still have been no words.
He pushes in two more forceful times, his mouth back on mine, and then he’s still. I let my fingers trail down his back slowly as he continues to hold himself over me, his forehead pressed against mine, breathing heavily but lost in his own thoughts again.
“I’m sorry.” His strained voice floats across to my ears as he collapses onto me, only holding off enough of his weight so I can breathe. I know why he’s sorry and he doesn’t need to be worrying about it. Greyden has always made sure he’s taken care of me before he finishes, but this wasn’t about me.
“Snookems…don’t,” I whisper in his ear before gently nibbling on his earlobe.
He pulls out of me, kissing me one more time before rolling onto his back and pulling me to his chest. I rest my head there, my most favorite place to be. “Declan’s going to kick my ass,” he states as he runs his fingers through my hair, one of my most favorite feelings in the world.
“Yeah, probably, but he’ll have to wait a few days. Maybe
he can make his peace with it by then.” Declan has been completely oblivious to all things Greyden and me since we broke up over six years ago. I can pretty much predict how he’s going to react just based on his reaction to my walking through Greyden’s garage door today—he’s going to be pissed. I don’t like the idea at all. Greyden doesn’t need to deal with anything right now and if I need to figure out a way to deal with my brother to keep this drama from Grey then I will.
I place kisses on his chest, not knowing what else to say. Thankfully Greyden’s phone ringing saves me from trying to find the words.
“Hello?” he says after hitting speaker and placing his phone on his stomach just below my face.
“Hey, honey. I’m sorry to call so soon, but I think you should come back home. Your mom keeps waking up and asking for you.”
I feel Grey take a deep but silent breath before answering her. “All right, Aunty, thanks for calling. Should I pick up some dinner?”
“No, no, word has gotten out and we have a million casseroles here. I’ll heat something up when you get here.”
“See you in a minute then.”
I click his phone off for him and set it on the bed.
“Will you come with me?” he asks softly, as if I had other plans. “I’m just going to stay over. She’s not going to be able to sleep through the night even with all the sleeping pills she has.”
“Of course I will. Can I just shower real quick? I’ll be fast.” I look up into his eyes, which seem to have lost some of the redness. They still hold the sadness, but he looks a little more at ease now.
“Yeah. C’mon, I’ll take one with you.”
After we shower and get dressed, we both brace ourselves for what’s on the other side of the door. I’m terribly nervous. I was so focused on getting to Greyden when I came in that I didn’t care too much about the repercussions of Dec and the guys finding out about Grey and I like this. Now I’m going to walk out there, practically into a pit of snakes, holding his hand, and I can only hope and pray that Declan can rein it in long enough for us to make it out the door so he can get to his mom.