by Mark Walsh
HOW TO FIND YOUR LIFE PURPOSE THROUGH THE BODY
One thing I’ve coached quite a lot of people on, is finding work that they love. Increasingly, people are not willing to do meaningless labour, unless they have to. Seeking a sense of purpose through work is now common. Because our values, strengths and deep drives are all embodied, it is of course useful to access the body when trying to deepen a sense of purpose.
Here are a few tips for this:
• Notice what lights you up. What gives you energy when you’re tired? What you can easily get out of bed for? What do you have an aligned, felt sense of rightness when doing? Your body is your purpose radar. This may just be a small bright spot part of your day. Experiment if you have no idea.
• Notice what gives you that tired but deeply satisfied feeling at the end of the day.
• Notice who inspires you and who you are drawn to. Do not outsource purpose through idealisation.
• Notice what work reduces your addictions and benefits your most meaningful relationships.
• Give up all entertainment for a week in order to tune into what you really want.
• Make the posture in your body that embodies a strength – for example being open or standing firm (ask people if you don’t know your virtues). What does this suggest about work you would be ideally suited for? Try with several strengths.
• Notice what breaks your heart right open.
• Simply ask your body what you’re here for. Go into the wilderness without distraction and wait for your body to speak. Meditate deeply on the question, “What am I here for?” Be patient.
• Face your inevitable death. You can, for example, meditate on the eventual disintegration of your body (try searching for my “Death Meditation” on my YouTube channel).
See the “Purpose Black Belt” videos on my YouTube channel for more on this subject.
RESILIENCE TOOLS FOR TROUBLED TIMES
Here are some tips on keeping your head amidst the insanity of the world today. Well, more like keeping your body, as those around “lose theirs and blame it on you”, to misquote Kipling. Resilience is the ability to bounce, rather than break under pressure, and we all need this.
Everything below has been tried and tested in areas of conflict, in martial arts dojos, in stressful workplaces, and with activist groups on global frontlines. Embodied resilience is a specialism I developed first as a humanitarian worker and then through teaching others in the most extreme environments. These days, I joke that even an average office feels like a war zone, and the political climate certainly does, so we can all benefit from these tools.
Resilience is about three embodied reconnections:
• to self
• to others
• and to something bigger than oneself
Put your own oxygen mask on first
This is a bit of a cliché in personal growth now, but it’s still true: we need to look after ourselves first to help others. Diet, exercise, sleep…are and always will be the basics of being a healthy human being; that’s our foundation for action. Self-care and self-love are often under-developed in those trying to change the world, in my experience, so watch out for this one!
Connect to yourself
While it’s tempting to avoid feeling when unpleasant emotions abound, we can only stay healthy, compassionate and effective if we’re in touch with ourselves. The first connection is to come home to the body. This is the basis of many of the skills people need during tough times, and it takes practice in our disembodied culture. Body awareness meditations, gentle yoga, massage, tai chi, and many other practices can be helpful.
Get yourself together
The completely natural and totally unhelpful response to pressure is the famous “fight-flight-freeze” (FFF) response. This is where most of the world seems to be at now, but it’s a problem if we wish to constructively engage. The reason FFF is an issue is that it’s:
• Self-destructive: it’s exhausting and makes us sick if it’s a longer-term state.
• Capacity reducing: as the hind-brain ‘hijacks’ us, we lose intelligence, compassion and creativity. FFF makes us stupid and mean.
• Not compelling to others: if we want to be persuasive, hate isn’t helpful; it simply puts others into a defensive pattern of their own, and the destructive cycle continues.
So, what can we do? Well, love is the answer, not in an abstract, hippie way, but as a practical, embodied tool, using posture, breathing and awareness. Martial artists, who have learnt the hard way, call the methods for reducing the FFF response “centring”. These methods are vital during tough times.
A very simple one you can do right now is to feel your body, stand or sit in a more upright and balanced way, and relax your eyes, mouth and belly. Notice the difference.
Embody your stand and hold your “no”
There are several, often underdeveloped, embodied capacities that can be deepened as the Molotov shit-filled cocktail hits the fan. Two of these are being able to make a stand and being able to say a firm, non-violent “no”. These are good antidotes to the natural “flight” response we may feel when faced with pressure. Search “No Pose” on my YouTube channel for a posture to help with this28, or simply practise standing your ground while imagining whatever the threatening thing is coming towards you. Calibrate what you imagine, starting small and working up, so that you are not overwhelmed. Having a friend place a hand on your back can also be great for tuning into a somatic sense of support. When they are no longer there you can simply imagine it.
Do the healing work
Times like these can bring up a lot of old traumas and shadow (e.g. in our relationship to power or authority). For us to be at our best, it’s necessary to heal where we can, so as not to be trapped in cycles of violence. Hurt people hurt people, and this applies to us too. A positive frame here is that now we may be forced to do the inner work that we’ve needed to do for years!
Connect to others
We are inter-resilient. We care for ourselves, heal and fight oppression most effectively in community. You’re only as resilient as your social support. Building supportive networks and reaching out to them is vital. Learn to listen, learn to ask for help, learn to express yourself. Learn to give and receive appreciation. Get the hugs in. Eat together. Laugh at all the bullshit. Dance. Connect. You get the idea.
Here’s one little trick for when you’re alone and feeling rough:
Imagine the hand of someone who has supported you on your back. It feels good, right? You can also look for what you have in common with those around you, even if they’re not particularly friendly. Look for what you like about them, even if it’s not much.
Connect to purpose and values
It’s easy to lose track of what you care about when things are stressful, yet keeping this connection brings us strength. At any moment, just asking “What do I care about?” or “What am I in service to” can be very helpful.
Putting a hand on your heart, womb or belly can help with this.
Also, we all have something bigger than ourselves that “has our back”. Sometimes this is a sense of where we come from, nature, an abstract idea (like truth), or a religious belief. Tuning to a felt sense of this connection when you have it can help you access it when you need it.
Anger is your friend, hate isn’t
Anger has been demonised in the personal growth scene, at least in more “new age” circles, which is a pity as it is simply passionate caring (as Zen master Junpo Kelly points out). Off balance hate on the other isn’t helpful for the reasons already outlined, and while it may be tempting to use it as a “fuel” as it does energise, there is a cost to this personally and relationally. Staying away from both anaesthetised fake calm, and out of control rage, while not fearing fierceness, is a fine and necessary art to learn. There is a reason warrior pose is part of the yoga repertoire.
Learn to play
The opposite of stress is play. Keeping a sense o
f humour, accessing creativity, and being playful – even when times are tough – is vital. When I work with people and they lose this, burnout is often approaching. Equally, play has a particular embodiment (that we all know, even if out of practise) and we can tune into it this way.
Say thank you
In times of anger and uncertainty, it’s even more important to practise gratitude for what we do have. This fuels the effort required to change what we want to.
Practising gratitude verbally, with gestures (bowing is great, for example) or in writing, is one of the most reliable and effective ways to manage mood, in my experience. Make it a regular practice.
Conclusion
Different things work for different people and it’s good to have a diverse bag of quick-win tools, but also to look at deeper patterns around things such as boundaries and self-sacrifice. Enjoy!
BEING SEXY
We all know someone who doesn’t look like a magazine model, but is confidently rooted in themselves, and as a result seriously sexy. Or we have a friend who’s open, empathic and drop-dead gorgeous because of it. Or maybe we know a leader who has presence, gravitas or charisma that makes them attractive in a way that transcends six-packs or makeup. Embodiment is at the heart of a deeper approach to being sexy, and actually it’s far more effective than superficial means.
Embodied practice makes us sexier
We’ve been sold a lie about beauty being skin deep and, frankly, it’s insulting. The fact that attractiveness goes beyond media distortions is perhaps obvious. The next part, however, may be new: through embodied practice you can easily reveal a way of being that makes a person authentically sexier, without compromising or pretending. The capacities involved are critical for life anyway, and they outweigh the physical factors that much of the world feels are so important.
Screw the media lies, forget the botox and the slickly marketed status symbols. Here’s how you unleash “inner” beauty. It’s not really about building something new, but about fully expressing how we’re attractive anyway. Some might have rejected beauty entirely or say it’s completely in the eye of the beholder. But let’s be honest: wide agreement does exist. And who doesn’t want to be attractive in one way or another? I appreciate this can be a painful topic, due to the pressures on women and, increasingly, men. However, it’s one I constantly hear people are interested in, so better to offer an approach that may align with people’s values, rather than just deny it as an area of concern.
“Embodiment” refers to relating with the body as an integral part of who we are, not to the body as an object of athleticism or surface beautification. So, obviously embodiment has a different take on beauty and attraction. What I’ve seen, actually, is that embodied work impacts this area strongly, even when this is in no way the focus! For example, teaching centring for stress reduction or leadership has also instantly made people lovelier. Relaxed, confident, open and connected people are attractive. Who would have figured?! What’s more, I saw that long-term embodied practice made students more and more gorgeous. On EFC, our train-the-trainer course, it’s quite obvious that the whole group gets generally yummier during each year, despite the fact they aren’t trying to work on this at all! Similarly, I’ll often coach an executive to increase confidence and he’ll mention his wife’s increased sexual interest. I’ll be supporting someone to develop more emotional intelligence and, all of a sudden, people start asking her out. At yoga festivals, I’ve noticed it’s common to think, “Where did all these amazing looking people come from?” by day three, when everyone has refound their bodies. And so on.
Eventually, some clients started asking me to help them specifically with attractiveness, so I developed more knowledge in this area. I feel a little vulnerable saying this as there’s often push-back (people often being triggered by the pain of social pressure to look a certain way) and a “who are you to say?” vibe. I get it, I really do. It’s a scary topic for us all; nobody wants standards imposed or the magic and complexity of human beauty put into boxes. Frankly, it’s a risk to go here at all. However, I think an embodied approach really serves people in a non-judgmental way that provides a great alternative to the mainstream lies.
So, here are some top tips for deep attractiveness. These are all trainable with embodied practice, which is great news, and again, I do appreciate, can be hard to hear. Of course, it’s more complicated in reality, due to such things such as polarity, typology, culture, developmental level and just plain old taste…but still, this will be a useful starting point for many.
Presence
• The first step to an embodied approach to beauty is to get in your body. This alone makes a huge difference to how sexy you’ll feel and seem. Presence is hot!
– Practical exercise: feel your body now!
– Long-term development practice: commit to any mindful movement practice, like yoga, conscious dance or tai chi, and practise embodied meditation.
Ethics
• Be a good person. Violence is ugly.
– Practical exercise: wish yourself and others well. Think of someone who makes you smile inside.
– Long term: work with a system of ethics as an ongoing awareness practice.
Confidence
• Who doesn’t find confidence attractive? This is a big one.
– Practical exercise: stand tall and “take space”.
– Long term: take up a martial art or extreme sport, where you can practise embodied courage.
Calmness
• Panic isn’t attractive. Non-reactivity (balanced with play and expression) is.
– Practical exercise: relax your jaw and belly. Breathe.
– Long term: commit to a practice, like yoga or martial arts, that involves practising relaxing under pressure.
Radiance
• Being “radiant” or “shiny’ is not magic and does not come from shampoo or makeup. It is hot.
– Practical exercise: imagine you’re a light bulb shining or a glow worm’s butt radiating light (credit to my mentor Paul Linden here). Don’t collapse. Extend.
– Long term: do this exercise daily.
Empathy
• In a world that doesn’t listen, someone who does is deeply attractive.
– Practical exercise: open and soften your body. Pay full attention to someone else; listen without judgement or interruption.
– Long term: commit to an embodied relational practice like aikido or partner dance; or a more literal embodied relating practice like Circling.
Depth
• People who’ve loved, lost and really experienced life deeply are more attractive than those who’ve lived on the surface.
– Practical exercise: ask yourself what you care about right now. What matters?
– Long term: face your death and find your purpose. Love fully.
Playfulness and emotional expression
• Being embodied is expressive and playful. It isn’t all about self-control and becoming centring robots. When we say someone is “fully alive”, this is what we mean. And guess what? It’s hot.
– Practical exercise: go dancing, shake your arse, let it all hang loose, scream, shout and cry. Hang out with kids more.
– Long term: take up improvisational comedy.
Conclusion
There are many more I could add here. I haven’t talked about fierceness or gratitude here for example. Hopefully there’s enough here to help kickstart things. Beauty – or attraction specifically – is a really big part of life that can bring a lot of benefits for us, our loved ones and the world. I wish you well unleashing it further, should you wish to.
NB: See the “Beauty Black Belt” videos on my YouTube channel for more on this from me and Mrs Walsh.
19 TIPS FOR TEENAGE BOYS AND YOUNG MEN
My sense is that there’s a need to better support young men into maturity. I have worked with about 20,000 boys and teens in fifteen countries, so have some relevant experience. Here are some plac
es to start if you’re a young man or wish to pass this along to one. While I have worked with a similar number, I feel less qualified to talk about girls and young women, as personal experience is so key (so I have asked my colleague Jane Dancey to cover this area). Some may ask why I don’t just offer advice to all young people, and much of what is said below is useful to any gender, however, in every culture in human history I’ve studied, men and women have been supported differently in their maturation and I don’t believe that this has been an error. So, at the risk of offending someone in these politically correct times, here are my top tips for boys and young men:
• Check the qualifications of anyone offering you advice. Are they happy, healthy, wealthy and loved? If not, ignore them. Look at their actions and their relationships. Listen to successful older men, by whatever definition of that you have.
• Develop your character. This is the main subject of this list. Skills can be learnt, situations and technology change, but you are always there – at the scene of the crime. Who you are is a work-in-progress.
• Learn to fight. You’re useless to your loved ones if you can’t protect them, and the personal growth from a martial art can’t be found in school. Become strong across as many domains as you can. Do not confuse weakness and compassion. Being a bully is weak.
• Honour. Your. Word. No excuses. You’re the person most responsible for your life. By 30 your life will be mostly a result of your choices. At 40 even your face will be.
• You will suffer. Smile anyway. Only the weak pray for an easy life and if they get it, it makes them weaker.
• Play with kids and animals every chance you get. They are a better judge of character than you are, and will keep you vibrant.
• Learn to dance. Take one dance class for every book you read and set of weights you lift. Get into your body. Learn to both express and regulate yourself through the body.
• Know how to think well, talk well and dress well – in that order of importance. Don’t make these your main aim.