by Mark Walsh
• Starting instructions with, “Just …” This is a common verbal tic, which minimises the task, which may not be easy or trivial to your participants.
• Use of foreign, “spiritual” or anatomical/scientific jargon, as a way of claiming status; it often only makes things less unclear.
• Using an annoying breathy spiritual “yoga/dance voice” or even a different accent! Just speak normally! More broadly, practice use of tone matters, as this conveys your own embodiment.
• Use of “good”, “nice” and other value judgements, which suggest certain options are better than others (assuming you don’t want to do this). For example, “nice and deep into the stretch”, implying that it’s somehow better to go deep than not. Value judgements may be inherent in word choices such as, “Collapse the chest”, which sounds bad compared to, “Flex the upper spine”!
• Asking questions such as, “What happened in your body?” This frames people as passive victims of their own bodies. A better question that encourages personal responsibility would be, “What did you do in your body?”.
• Telling participants what they are seeing/experiencing and not letting them spot it for themselves, for example, “You are feeling relaxed”. Letting people spot it for themselves teaches them self-observation and responsibility for their own bodies.
• Not giving a reason for an exercise. This encourages blind faith, as opposed to healthy questioning.
• Forgetting to ask permission when touching. Or alternatively, asking but not really being okay with a “no”. This creates compliance. The ethical way is to gain explicit verbal consent, or at least a non-verbal indicator.37
• Use of demands. Obviously, this is disempowering. I do not believe it is always necessary to make it explicit that a request not a demand is being made – e.g. by saying, “please” (!), ”I invite you”, “if you like” or by giving options, but it is a good idea to do this sometimes especially early on with a group. Tone conveys a lot but what is most critical in the request-demand distinction is how you treat anyone who doesn’t agree to your request!
• Use of “we” when no agreement is made. This is an example of “forced teaming”, as opposed to gaining consent. For example: “We are doing X now” (also a fait accompli).
• “Next you’ll …” This is another example of a fait accompli. Again, it removes the chance for participants to give consent. Instead, you could offer alternatives, support people who choose to not follow your lead and actively teach students to say “no”.
Some of these may seem like nit-picking and I’m pretty obsessed with the stuff to be fair, but these are more important than they may seem. That being said, it’s your embodiment that matters most and I’ve seen great teachers give terrible instructions, but with huge love, and their trainings still be ethical and effective. Others say the nicest things but filled with venom! Intent, tone and how things are received trump the exact words, and there are times when I would break many of these rules, so it’s situational too (for example in some cultural contexts, where too much choice may actually make people feel anxious).
COACHING, TRAINING AND TRAUMA
This section on trauma is useful reading for any trainer or coach, as it describes some of the signs and symptoms of trauma and the effects it can have on learning. It’s ideal for people new to the area and may be too simple for those already experts.
Perhaps the first thing to say is that trauma is incredibly common. For example, statistics show an 80% lifetime prevalence of traumatic incidence in the UK and in the USA; and some claim one-in-four women and one-in-six men has been sexually assaulted or abused. Trauma symptoms, if not recognised, are potentially undermining to any learning situation, so are well worth knowing about. Being a trauma-aware facilitator also correlates very highly with just being an effective one; creating a sense of safety is an excellent educational foundation for all, especially when it comes to deeper or transformational learning.
A little personal background
As well as being a business trainer and coach, I am a trauma educator. I’ve trained therapists, humanitarian workers and businesspeople in trauma and psychological resilience. I have worked in many places: with the military in Sierra Leone, The House of Lords of the Parliament of the United Kingdom, The Metropolitan Police in London and in war zones. I have also been through a personal trauma journey from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to recovery.
“Trauma” is a word that’s now thrown around very easily, so I want to be clear that I refer to it in its clinical sense, i.e. an experience of overwhelm involving threat to life or the integrity of self. Sadly, abuse, rapes, car accidents, assaults…are part of many people’s life experience and while many recover from the acute (short term) psychological symptoms, a proportion develop longer term symptoms. These are sometimes grouped as disorders, such as generalised anxiety disorder and PTSD.
Below, I’ve listed some of the more common groupings of symptoms that can be trauma-related generally, and I’ve described how they relate to facilitation.
Possible trauma-related symptoms in a coaching context
Hyperarousal
Being stuck in fight-flight-freeze (FFF) mode is a core trauma symptom, which expresses in different ways, including anxiety (the loss of a sense of safety is key to much trauma), anger and irritability, concentration issues, difficulty listening, hyper-vigilance (being always on the lookout), emotional sensitivity and sleeplessness. For a trainee/client with such issues, sitting still to learn may be difficult, as may traditional mindfulness or being asked to access emotions (though these can be healing, if done right). Such a person may seem overly fearful to participate due to perceived emotional threat. A lack of ability in regulating emotions is a common trauma symptom and this can easily show up in any learning process, especially when there is insufficient trust, for example when HR have forced them to be in a training, or a manager is there. Traumatised participants could also seem “difficult”, aggressive or confrontational.
Physical and emotional numbing
Trauma can make people numb, as this is a way to cope with overwhelming physical or emotional pain. This can lead to all sorts of health issues as well as emotional issues, which can show up in training. A lack of empathy or insensitivity to others’ emotions may be trauma related. Critically, trauma often damages attachment, boundaries, trust and relationships generally. Trauma is toxic to intimacy and relationships, including learning relationships (such as the coaching one). Think of trainees who can’t say no, always want to please you, don’t trust the trainer, want to get too close immediately, can’t let go of a group after a session ends or who don’t respect other boundaries. Such issues may be trauma related.
Avoidance
If a person has been traumatised by something, they likely want to avoid it. This can apply to situations they read as similar. Examples of this include linking bomb explosions to any loud bangs, or linking a rapist to all people of the same ethnicity. In a training, if someone has a very strong, unexplained reaction against doing something, this may be avoidance and it’s best to respect it. Paradoxically, people can also develop “repetition compulsion”, where in an unconscious attempt to heal, they re-expose themselves to something similar to what traumatised them. If you do “extreme” and intense personal development, you may well encounter such people.
Intrusive symptoms
Intrusive symptoms include someone constantly thinking about a traumatic event against their will, which can be very distracting to learning. Or less commonly, the famous dissociative “flashbacks”, when a person is unaware of the present and thinks they are back in the traumatic situation. Traumatic memories are different from regular ones and are very “alive” in a person, even when deliberately remembered. Intrusive symptoms can be triggered by seemingly harmless stimuli, for example the smell of a cigarette reminding a survivor of a house fire.
What a trainer or coach can do
In traum
a, what’s damaged is the ability to easily meet core emotional/relational needs. Building trust, belonging and safety are part of any good facilitator’s skills and this is the key to working with people with trauma backgrounds. This may be something as simple as introducing a new delegate who arrives late, or asking how people are and what they need to be able to learn in their own way.
Some other specifics might include:
• Being aware of, on the lookout for, and compassionate towards trauma symptoms.
• Know competent therapists and refer when in doubt. People with trauma often come to coaching, as it is less stigmatised than therapy, but if someone presents to you with serious untreated trauma and you are not a trauma therapist, refer them to a specialist. Know the limits of your expertise.
• Trainings that are active (but also teach some self-regulatory technique like centring) can be easier for people with hyper-arousal symptoms.
• Be impeccable with touch, boundaries, ethics and consent. I see a lot of trainers doing techniques or touching people without explicit permission. Don’t! And if in doubt, a maybe is a no. Traumatised people may have bad boundaries, so it is your responsibility to behave ethically.
• Many coaches and trainers get into the work after difficult circumstances. However, it is essential that a facilitator works on their own trauma, if they have it, so as not to damage others by acting out unhealthy patterns. Being in ongoing therapy/super-vision is advisable.
• Be careful of potential triggers and respect people’s avoidance patterns.
• Know that long-term trauma can heal and can even lead to growth (most acute trauma symptoms heal on their own actually).
Effective treatment methods
While you shouldn’t attempt to apply them if you’re untrained, it is good to know that effective trauma treatments exist. Personally, I see trauma as physical, social, psychological and spiritual, so the best healing includes all these elements. Effective treatments are listed below:
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (UK NICE38 guideline approved)
• EMDR – an eye movement technique (UK NICE guideline approved)
• Trauma Releasing Exercises
• Emotional Freedom Technique (controversial, but I know experts who swear by it)
• Somatic Experiencing, Hakomi, NARM and other bodily approaches
• Self-help books (such as 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery by Babette Rothschild)
Conclusion
Trauma exists, it’s common and it’s affecting your training/coaching already. I hope this little bit of information has helped. There’s a world more out there, as it’s a growing field.
HOW NOT TO SEEM LIKE A BLOODY HIPPIE WHEN WORKING WITH NORMAL PEOPLE
I’ve been successfully bringing unusual embodied practices into what could be called “mainstream” environments for over 15 years now, working with everyone from large corporate entities (such as Unilever, Shell and L’Oréal), to the police and international military units. I’ve also worked with other potentially “hard” audiences, such as humanitarian aid workers in war zones and sceptical young people from inner cities. While these groups are diverse, what they have in common is that they don’t suffer fools gladly, and that they enjoy a pragmatic approach. I sometimes joke that my job is, “Doing weird stuff with normal people”, however, I hold the “normal versus hippie” thing very lightly, as obviously it’s a bit of a joke. These days weirdly, in many ways, I relate better to the mainstream groups I teach than to the “alternative” world that spawned me.
So, here are my top tips for bringing crazy, “hippie” stuff to people that will really benefit from it, in a way that they can stomach.
See what you have in common
While it’s easy to go into ‘us and them’ mode with any group (and this piece plays with that), I try to notice what I have in common with ‘them’. Yes, they may be executives or whatever, but we’re all human. Even really unlikely people share at least some of your values and life experiences, if you see past the packaging.
Speak to concerns and have a clear aim
To sell any kind of alternative course, such as meditation or yoga, you’ll need to speak to the client’s concerns. What’s in it for them? They likely don’t care that it’s your favourite hobby. They want real results for their real lives. What is the benefit of what you do? Similarly, when doing a course, it’s vital to have a clear aim for any session and any exercise. People will try all kinds of weird shit if they have a good reason that links to their values.
Get operational
When you give instructions for an exercise, state the method, not a metaphor or a potential result. Tell people the “how”. For example, say, “Bring your attention to the physical sensations of breathing”, as opposed to, “Empty your mind”. Do not tell people to, “Extend their energy to the corners of the universe”, or whatever, even if this makes sense to you. If in doubt, check your instructions with a ten-year-old, who isn’t afraid to say when you make no sense.
Kill your unicorns
Most alternative subcultures have developed their own jargon and ways of speaking, which are actually repulsive to many normal people. My students hunt and kill words and phrases such as “energy”, “drop into” and “holding space”. We playfully call these “unicorns”. If in doubt, ask, “Would this word or phrase appear in a conservative newspaper?” or “Would my boring uncle use it?” Alternatively, you can employ the helpful kid from before, and pay them for every unicorn they catch you using!
Stop floating and flowing
It’s not just what you do and say, but how you do it and say it that matters.39 A facilitator’s embodiment can undermine their message. To use the four elements model introduced earlier in the book, generally I see “alternative” people embodying too much water and air, and not enough earth and fire (i.e. not being firm, organised or direct enough). This can prevent them connecting with mainstream groups who tend to be earth and fire heavy (though of course not always, a group of HR mangers for example may be more watery).
Look at your relationship to money and power
Having issues around these two themes undermine people from alternative subcultures time and time again, either because of beliefs (e.g. “Rich people aren’t good people”) or more subtly, (e.g. somehow never having any money despite earning plenty). These themes can be explored and cleaned up. More broadly, therapeutic “shadow work” is essential for any facilitator. Working with mentee EFC graduates I have found it can take some time to “clean up” these issues, even among very developed people.
Be reliable (for God’s sake!)
Keep your word. Do what you say. Be on time and be impeccable with your promises. This is a big deal in many mainstream subcultures and reliability will go a long way. No. Excuses.
Dress the part
It’s a simple one, but when in Rome, chuck on a toga. You can still be you (in fact, being 10% weirder than your clients is a plus, that’s what they got you in for quite often), but don’t wear tie-dye or a sarong. I normally just ask a client, “What do people normally wear to trainings here?” and adjust accordingly. Dressing the part will help you blend in enough to open people’s ears.
Remember what you bring to the party
With all this trying to blend in, sometimes people forget that they’ve been brought into such places precisely because they’re different or have different skills. Yes, adapt and accommodate, but not when it comes to key values. Own the awesome you have that they need.
Conclusion
I hope this introduction saves you some time and tears, so you don’t need to work it out the hard way, like I did. The world really needs to get its heart, body and soul back, and some of the alternative arts can help – and let’s not get in the way of that message. This works both ways, as much can be learnt from mainstream cultures too (my own journey in running a business for example has been profound).40
HEALTH CHECK-UP FOR EMBODIMENT TEACHERS<
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Here are some challenging questions to teachers in embodied fields. Ask them to yourself if teaching, or use them as a checklist for current and new teachers. Given the huge number of guru scandals and abuse cases in recent years in some embodiment fields (e.g. within yoga), a list like this is long overdue:
• Are you controlling or empowering students? Are they dependent on you?
• How do you know your students can say no to you? If you do not know this, how do you know that you’re not abusing them? When was the last time they challenged you on something and you admitted you were wrong?
• What systemic checks and balances are in place to manage your ego and personality flaws? Can you list your top three personality flaws and how they may lead to trouble? Do you have a therapist to work on those?
• Are you subject to the same rules as those in your organisation? A.k.a. The Magna Carta principle.
• Is there a clear ethical framework for your work? Who keeps you accountable for it? Do you have a mentor and supervisor?
• Are you responsible in how you change the state of your students? Do you addict them to highs or create real life insight and skills?
• Is anything you say true just because you say it?
• Are you empire-building and is this what the world needs more of?
• If democracy is something you value, how do you democratise this work? Can you be outvoted to make sure you don’t make abusive or just stupid decisions?
• Will your students one day be better than you and are you happy about it if so?
• How do you make the work accessible to more than a few? Are you creating social change or just making elites more efficient and comfortable in their position?
• Are you clear on the scope of your work and what is not your work? Do you regularly say, “I’m not qualified to give advice on that.”?
• Are you trained in consent culture? It’s important and not as obvious as it may seem. Things have changed a lot in the last few years in this area.