At dawn, leaving Angelina smiling in her sleep, I tiptoed out of the bedroom and headed for my appointment with destiny.
"You're late," Coypu said belligerently. "Getting cold feet?"
"Kindly knock off the pep talk, Prof. I'm ready whenever you are."
"Do you have the interuniversal activator?"
"Sealed inside my bootheel. We shall not be parted."
"Good luck, then." He threw more switches and the chine buzzed ominously. "The door is unlocked."
I opened the garage door and peeked. It looked good. I threw it wide and stepped through.
Nice. A warm yellow sun shone in the blue sky above, very different from the bloated red one in Hell. A small white cloud floated by at shoulder height. I poked it with my finger and it bounced away, giving off a pleasant chiming sound.
The landscape was most serene, low rolling hills covered with short grass. A grove of trees nearby shaded what looked like a paved road. I walked over and poked it with my toe. It was indeed a road, paved with soft cobblestones, It wound out of sight among the trees to the right. To the left it curled up a valley into the hills. Which way should I go?
There was a distant rumble like thunder from the direction of the hills. Curiosity, as always, won. I went that way. Curiosity paid off pretty quickly when I saw the road junction ahead with pointing-finger signs. I approached them with great interest.
"Three ways to go," I said, peering up at the boards. "I have apparently come from the direction of RUBBISH DUMF-Which does not sound too exciting so I shall not retrace my steps. But, problems, problems, how do I choose between VALHALLA and PARADISE?"
Paradise sounded Paradisical, and brought to mind that fine planet named Paraiso Aqui. Which indeed did become Paradise Here after I had been elected president. I had dim memories of Valhalla from my religious research, something to do with snow, axes and horned helmets. Paradise sounded much better
Then I noticed the piece of paper that had been nailed to the pole supporting the signs. It read PARADISE CLOSED FOR REPAIRS. Which, as you might imagine, made my decision much easier
The road wound up into the hills and through a small valley. It ended at what appeared to be a high and crudely constructed wall. Large tree trunks, still covered with bark, were set into the ground. There was a metal door waiting invitingly, set into the wood. It was a false invitation. It had a handle that would not turn. I pushed against the metal, which resisted strongly. I was about to try my luck in Paradise when I noticed the sign above the door.
SERVICE ENTRANCE it read. Which implied strongly that there had to be another entrance. Which I would have to find.
There was a path trampled in the grass and I followed it along the wall until it turned a corner.
"Now that's more like it," I said with sincere admiration.
No service entrance this! What looked like solid gold pillars held up a jewel covered pediment above a massive golden door. The precious stones glowed with inner light. There was the sudden blast of unseen horns, followed by loud and heroic music. Marching to its very enthusiastic beat I approached the entrance with great interest. When I came closer I saw that the Jewels spelled out a message that I was unable to read. Probably because it was in some unknown language made up of strangely shaped letters that looked very much like crossed sticks. Not only strangely shaped but in an unknown alphabet, unknown that is, at least to me. Above the jewels was an immense golden ax crossed with a golden hammer.
"Looks great, doesn't it?" a voice said.
I jumped, turned, landed ready for action. The music had covered the sound of his approach. But there appeared to be no threat from the newcomer. He was middle-aged and plump, wearing an expensive business suit and a white lace shirt with a blood-red necktie, and was smiling in the most friendly man-
"You here same as me? Take a look at Valhalla."
"Sure am," I said, relaxing. And taking note that woven into his tie with gold thread was the same crossed axe and hammer that hung above the entrance. "Valhalla here we come..."
"Not yet!" he said quickly, raising his hand. "A look, sure, that's what I'm after. A quick look to see what the afterlife holds. Not quite ready for the real thing quite yet-"
His voice was drowned out by a blasting blare of horns and a tremendous drumroll as the golden door slowly swung open. As the music died away a woman's voice bid us welcome.
"I bid you welcome. Enter, good followers of the League of the Longboat and Life Friends of Freya. Enter and behold that which one day will be yours for eternity. As long as you pay your loyal tithe. Here is Valhalla! The mead-hall at rainbow's end. Come-forward-and don't trip over the snake."
Some snake! It must have been a yard thick and vanished out of sight in both directions. It writhed slowly as we stepped over it.
"Uroboros!" my companion said. "Goes right around the world."
"Be quick," our invisible guide called out. "for you do not have much time. I shall part the veil, but can do this only briefly. Only by special dispensation of the gods is this possible. Thor always smiles upon warriors of the League of the Longboat, and Loki is away in Hell right now, so Thor, in his generosity, permits your presence for a quick peek at that which is yet to come. So look, breathe deep and enjoy for someday, one day; this will be yours
The interior was veiled in darkness which slowly lightened.
I stepped forward for a closer look and slammed my nose into an invisible barrier. It went down to the ground, stretched higher than I could reach. My companion rapped it with his knuckles.
"The Wall of Eternity," he said. "Glad it's there. You have to be dead to pass it."
"Thanks. I'll pass on passing. Zowie!"
The exclamation was pulled out of me by the bizarre scene that was suddenly revealed on the other side of the bather. A fire roared in a massive stone fireplace and some entire giant beast was being cooked over it. At long wooden tables lots of big men with long blond hair and beards were really living it up. There was plenty of mad drinking and eating. Great mugs of drink were slopped onto the wooden tables, to be seized up and guzzled down. With one hand, because in the other hand most of the men held steaming meaty bones or the legs of very large birds. Their voices could be dimly heard like distant echoes, shouting and swearing. Some were singing. Great blond waitresses with mighty thews and even mightier busts were passing out the food and drink. An occasional shrill cry cut through the roar of masculine voices as buttocks were clutched; occasionally there was a thud as quick female action slammed a mug into a groper's head. Yet the large ladies laughed and tweaked many a Viking beard with more than a hint of orgies to come. In fact, dimly on a table in the distance, a meaty couple appeared to be doing just that, giggling in distant laughter. Which died away as darkness descended again.
"Isn't that something!" my companion said, eyes staring with admiration.
"Not for a vegetarian," I muttered, but not loud enough to spoil his fun. "I wonder if we belong to the same church?" I asked smarmily.
There was no answer-because he was no longer there. Opportunity missed; I should have been prying information out of him instead of goggling the joys of Valhalla. I went outside, but he really had gone back to wherever he had come from. Behind me the door slammed shut and the glowing jewels stopped glowing.
The show was over-and what had I found out?
"A lot," I reassured myself. "But this is surely not the Heaven as Vivilia VonBrun described it. Valhalla looks like a man's idea of a night out with the boys going on forever. Which means there must be more than one heaven in Heaven. Perhaps she saw the other one, Paradise. Which means I should take a look at it-even if it is closed."
Prodded by this stern look, I retraced my steps to the signboards, turned and followed the path to Paradise. It twisted its way through a thick stand of trees and brush.
Then I stopped as I heard the rumble of a vehicle's engine ahead. Putting caution before boldness I dropped to the ground and crawled forward through the bushes
.
Parted the last one and looked out.
CHAPTER 16
WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT was, or so it appeared, a normal building site that you would find on any planet. Beyond it were some low, temple-like buildings around a decorative lake. Just near me there was the framework of a half-constructed building, very much like the others. Earthmovers were landscaping around it, riggers swinging a steel beam into place. They were human too, not robots, for I heard one of them shout "Bonega-veldu gin nun." Civilized Esperanto speakers talking about welding the structure. It was all so commonplace that I wondered what it was doing in this paradisical corner of Heaven.
Once I get the curiosity itch, I have to scratch. I stayed under the protective bush and watched the action. I wished, not for the first time, that Coypu could find a way for machines to be taken between the universes. I would dearly love to have had a telescope with me to watch the goings-on. And to take a much closer look at each of the working men on the site, if Slakey was one of them I would have to rethink any plans to investigate fuller on the site.
He didn't seem to be working here. All the builders I could see were lean and young. Though there was one older man in a hard hat, a foreman of some kind. Fairly fat-but he bore no resemblance to any of the Slakeys I had seen.
After a good time had passed I realized that it was pretty boring just lurking here in the shrubbery: I suppressed a yawn. I either had to do something positive or get out of there and do some research in the rubbish dump. But before I could make my mind up it was made up for me.
Older-and-Fatter looked at his watch-then blew loudly on his whistle. Everyone downed tools and turned off engines. At first I thought they were quitting for the day, until the roache coache came trundling up. Familiar from a thousand building sites and factory entrances around the galaxy. Filled with frozen food and armed with microwave. Selection of choice, porcuswine cutlets or deep-fried crustacean limbs, buttons pressed, steaming meal delivered.
The laborers lined up, shouting guttural oaths at one another and producing loud, badinage as workers across the galaxy are wont to do, and received their meals as they were extruded from the delivery slots. Some sat down on the beams and boxes that littered the site. Happily a few of them decided to make a picnic out of the meal and strolled up the slope to sprawl on a patch of grass near me. Not near enough to hear what they were saying though, but close enough to start ideas curdling about in my brain. The fat foreman was one of the picnickers, tucking into a steaming and meaty rib that was big enough to have come from a brontosaurus.
I waited a bit, then rose and-strolled towards them, whistling as I went.
"Lovely day, isn't it?" I said ingratiatingly. And was greeted by a sullen silence and surly scowls.
"Work going well?"
"Who the hell are you?" the foreman said, throwing his rib away and hauling himself to his feet.
"I'm an accountant. Work for the boss."
"For Slakey?"
"I call him Mr. Justin Slakey since he pays the bills. And you would be..
"Grusher. I'm the gaffer here."
"My pleasure. Are you the one who reported the shortage in the cement supplies?"
"I reported nothing. What's this all about?" He was now eyeing me suspiciously-as were all of them.
"A minor matter..."
"Look bowb, who do you think you are just walking up here and asking questions? I worked for Slakey for years. I hire the roughnecks, chippies, brickies, the whole lot. I order building materials, build what he asks me to build like adding to this fun park here. He never asks questions-just pays the bills I send him. It's a cash deal."
"I don't like this guy," one of the workers growled. A particularly obnoxious one with bulging biceps. "You said there would be no trouble when we signed on, Grusher. Secret location for business reasons. Knocked us out before we came here. Good money and good hours and everything in cash."
"You from the tax people?" another equally ugly worker asked.
"He's the tax man," Bulging Biceps said as he pulled the spud wrench from the loop in his belt.
"Make him welcome," Grusher said, smiling coldly, as they moved in a circle about me. "He's interested in cement-well, we're pouring concrete today. Let's give him a closer look- from down inside."
I jumped aside so that the wrench whistled by me, then ducked under a wild punch. I'm good at self-defense-but not this good. Nine, ten to one and all fit and obnoxious. And closing in.
"You're right!" I shouted. "And you're all under arrest for tax invasion. Now go quietly..."
They roared in anger and hurled their muscled forms forward. "Take me home!" I thought. "Now!"
I crashed into the metal panel on the machine, hung there spread-eagled.
"Professor. . . cut the power.
"Sorry," Coypu said, "I knew I forgot something. Meant to make those adjustments before you came back."
He touched a button and I slumped to the floor, There was an open bottle of beer on his console; I stumbled over and drained it. "What have you discovered?"
"Very little. My heavenly tour was just beginning. There is a suburb of Heaven named Valhalla with a pretty rough crowd and not my idea of heaven. Then there is Paradise, which is still being built. I better keep on looking. So I just popped back for a beer and to let you know what was going on. A little trouble there, nothing to mention. If Angelina should ask about me say that everything is going fine. Now--can you send me back, but not quite to the same spot if you don't mind?"
"Not a problem since I have calibrated the spherical locator during your absence. Would a kilometer laterally do?"
"Fine." I opened the garage door a crack, saw only blue sky and green grass. "This will be great. See you later."
I stepped through and felt the sun warm on my back. A light breeze was blowing and wafting some small clouds in my direction, drifting slowly above my head.
There were more of them appearing, some even drifting against the wind which was ominous. One of them floated by in the other direction. It tinkled-and more. Was that laughter coming from it? It drifted along and I drifted after it. Along a path of sorts that had been trodden in the grass. Then, far ahead. I saw a white structure of some kind that topped a distant hill. Another puffy cloud drifted after the first one, chiming pleasantly as well. Follow the path, that seemed obvious. It was made of yellow bricks that wore resiliently soft. A cloud of birds was swirling about above the road ahead. At least I thought that they were birds. I quickly changed my mind about this when I got closer. They were pink and round, with little white wings that were surely too small to support them. They began to look very familiar.
When I had done my religious research about Heaven-and Hell-I had been most taken by the illustrations. It soon became clear that all of the religions of history, while being pretty divisive for the most part, had on the other hand provided plenty of artistic inspiration. Poems and songs, books and paintings, architecture, as well as some strange and interesting sculpture. Somewhere in all those data banks I had seen these pink pirouetters.
They circled ever closer until I stopped and bulged my eyes at them.
They were little, fat, pink babies hovering on hazy wings. All of them had golden curls of hair on their heads and were of indeterminate sex. I say this because they all had what appeared to be wispy lengths of silky cloth about their loins. They fluttered closer until they were circling above my head like a cloud of gnats; I strongly resisted the impulse to leap up and get one by the leg for a closer look. They circled and smiled and laughed aloud with a sound like tiny tinkling bells.
Then they pointed and stirred with excitement for coming towards us was another flock of the same little creatures. The new lot appeared to be carrying guns of some kind; I looked for cover.
"Shame, Jim" I said when they had fluttered closer. "You've got a nasty and suspicious mind." They weren't carrying guns but instead were armed with tiny golden harps. They strummed as they flew, swooping into a circling f
ormation with the first lot. I sat down on the yellow brick road to watch. And discovered that the road was warm as well as soft.
After an arpeggio of plaintive pluckings, the entire airborne swarm burst into song. It was nice enough, though a little high-pitched for my liking, and sung in an unfamiliar language.
"Die enffuhrung aus dem SeraiIP' one chirrupy lot sang as they swooped away. But another bunch had already fluttered into position to have a go of their own.
"Per queste sue manine, In quale eccessi, mi tradei, un baclo de mano...
This was followed by a song in Esperanto. I could understand it, although I wasn't quite sure what it was about.
"Profunde ii elfosis mm Bele ii masonis mm, Aire Ii konstruis mm. Sed Bil-Auld esrasforirinta.
And so forth. The singing was not bad, at first, but a little too tinkling and twittery for my tastes. They could have done with a couple of good bassos to back them up.
It all finally ended on a high-piercing note that made my teeth hurt. They swirled upward and away.
"Great," I called after them. Then an afterthought. "Is there a good bar or cantina nearby?" Only the sound of high-pitched laughter sounded from above. "Thanks a lot," I muttered sourly. Stood and scuffed down the road trying to ignore my growing thirst. The white building on the hill appeared no closer and the sun was hot on my shoulders. But a turn in the road held out some promise of succor. A little plaid tent of some kind was set up beside the road. Gilt chairs with ornate arms were arrayed on the grass before it. A woman in a white dress sat on one of the chairs sipping from a golden mug.
She smiled broadly at me as I. approached. A rather fixed smile that did not change-nor did her eyes move to follow me. More frosted mugs were on a table in the tent. I took up one, sniffed and tasted it; cold sweet and definitely alcoholic.
The Stainless Steel Rat Go's To Hell Page 14