Wherever My Heart Roams (Brides of the West Series Book Nine)

by Rita Hestand

  "He was afraid I'd leave and never see him again, at least that is what he said. I never left his side…."

  "He must have been some man." Beth assured her.

  "I think Wade must be a lot like him. For it seems he didn't waste much time in finding you, either…" Mother Cahill smiled knowingly.

  "As a matter of fact mother, you are right. I didn't waste any time at all. There was just something about her." Wade took Beth's hand.

  "That's exactly what your father said when my mother became upset that he wanted to marry me as soon as possible."

  Beth blushed. "Were you shocked?"

  "Very much so, but I knew when I looked into those oh so blue eyes, that I couldn't say no, either."

  "I guess we do have a lot in common…" Beth murmured. "But you'll forgive me, I never imagined…all of this. I come from simple folks, Mother Cahill. I'm not gonna lie to you. When I saw all the forks sitting there at the table, for one meal at each plate, I didn't have the slightest clue what to use first. The women on this boat look so sophisticated and grand. I hope I can measure up."

  His mother scrutinized her, "Don't let the money fool you. I was a poor girl too when Aiden married me. But I learned to lift my head, and carry myself as proudly as any of them. You're a beautiful young girl, don't let anyone put you down." His mother advised. "I'm quite proud of Wade, I wasn't sure he had the gumption to find the right girl, but it looks as though he has."

  She put her hand on hers and smiled and from that moment on, Beth knew she had two friends, Wade and his mother.

  Chapter Nine

  Later that same evening after Mother Cahill went to bed, Wade and Beth strolled the decks. Wade showed her where everything was, even walked her through the gambling hall.

  The huge room with gambling tables was a strange picture to Beth, she'd never seen anything like it. Waiters stood on the sidelines of the tables ready to refill a drink. Smoke curled the air as many lit cigars.

  Men dressed in everyday street clothes, men dressed in fine suits and linen shirts sat at the same tables.

  Chips were piled high on some tables, low on others.

  Beth took it all in, and she was feeling a bit overwhelmed when they finally came to a stand on the deck and leaning over the railing, they stared out on the waters at the back of the boat. The moonlight lit a trail of water, and Beth was mesmerized by the beauty of it. She loved staring out over the water, it was so calming.

  "It's so lovely out here."

  "I'm glad you like it."

  She sighed.

  "You homesick already?" He asked coming closer.

  She looked into his serious face, "No…surprisingly, I'm not. There's too much to see here, too much to learn. It's just, well, I never realized how backward I was until I came here. It's like seeing a whole new world around me. I can't take it all in at once."

  He smiled, and her insides went to mush.

  "It's been a long day, hasn't it?" He whispered.

  "Yes, but a very nice one…" She said softly. "You've been so kind, showing me the entire boat."

  "Are you tired?"

  "No again. I'm too excited to be sleepy or tired…"

  "You are something Beth…" He stared down into her face, quite seriously. "And you are not backward. It's just another world, as you said."

  "You're something too," she whispered, wishing he would kiss her and stop this madness going on inside her body. She'd never had such feelings for a man. Her stomach was in constant turmoil with the rest of her. She felt this strange fire that kept building when he was around her. The closer he came, the higher the flames. Her feelings lurched at her, needing him close, needing him…

  "I've been wanting to kiss you since before dinner…"

  "Then do it," she cried out with an unfamiliar impatience.

  "My God," he took her in his arms and kissed her, and she burst into a flame of desires. Raging inside her like an inferno, she tiptoed to be closer. Straining, she moaned as his lips traveled down her neck, nibbling, teasing, tempting.

  She felt like a piece of moldable mud, able to conform to any shape, wanting to join him somehow, and not knowing how.

  Her heart was hammering against her chest as his lips followed the curve of her neck and down to her shoulder. He turned around and his hands came up to cup her breasts and she fell back against his chest and let him touch her there. For the briefest of moments, his thumbs ran slowly over the roundness of her breasts. All manner of chills and wonderful thrills ran through her at his touch.

  She moaned in her throat and her head swayed against his chest as he relished his touches. "Oh no one's ever touched me like that…if you were anyone else I'd slap your hand, but you…" she exclaimed the unfamiliar thrill sent a wave of wanting through her. This was a newer feeling, one of urgency. She strained to his face.

  She saw the desire in his eyes and she felt suddenly like a long burning candle, slowly melting into him.

  The exquisite feel of his hand just below her breasts, cupping her there, his thumb circling the tips of her breasts, made her squirm with wants and desires. It was a new experience, one she didn't want to miss a minute of. Her dress was thin and the feel of his thumb magically circling her breasts sent a wave of desire straight to her heart.

  "I shouldn't be doing this…I should have more control," He murmured. "But you must know how badly I want you…"

  "I don't want you to control it, just…let it happen…" she whispered softly.

  "Do you know what you are saying?" He asked and pulled away, as though good sense prevailed.

  Seeing the expression on his face, almost as though he were in pain.

  "We're married…aren't we?" She whispered.

  "Of course we are…but Beth…I want no regrets…"

  She turned to the railing and bent over it for a moment. Trying to get control of her own body, she breathed in slowly. "It's just…when you kiss me…I seem to lose all control. I want…"

  "What do you want?" He asked softly lifting her chin.

  "Y-you…" She whispered looking into his blue eyes.

  He stared into her face and a slow smile spread over his face. "You think I don't want the same thing, honey…but like I said. I want you to be very sure…"

  She took a calming breath. "I don't know the first thing about making love…But right now…the way you were touching me…I was so close to losing it. And I don't even know what 'it' is."

  His smile widened. "You don't have to explain…" He pulled her chin up once more so the moonlight shone on her face. "When you make love, you feel your way through it. All those crazy feelings inside, they come to life and you know."

  "But you don't think I’m ready? Why?" She asked, perplexed her voice breaking.

  "Can you look me in the eye and tell me you love me?" He asked.

  She looked away.

  "Can you?"

  "I-I think I do in so many ways…" she cried and glanced at him. "I've never been in love before. All I know is that when I'm around you, I go weak. When I'm around you, I want more…And I don't care, I just want those feelings to go on."

  "But you aren't sure are you?" He pulled her chin up again and this time he held it, kissed her tenderly on the lips and shook his head. "When you can say it, and mean it, then you'll be ready. Not until."

  "I want to Wade…" she encouraged.

  "I know that. So do I…" He held her now in his arms, steady, but she heard the thunder of his heart too, and knew that he was feeling the same way.

  "So what do we do? I'm your wife…don't you want me?" She cried.

  "Want you?" He nearly shouted, his voice exploding with emotions. "More than anything, and right now. But I promised you I'd wait, and I will…And believe me, when we do, it will be right…so very right. What we have is growing, I can feel that. But, I don't want to make love to you and then you wake up in the morning crying because I did. It's all very new to you. And these feelings they are all part of the mating game. I want you t
o experience all of them. I want you to want me, but love me too."

  "But I don't understand. What we want is natural. We're married. Why do we have to wait?" She cried.

  His thumb absently stroked her cheek.

  "Because what we want is filled with lust for each other. And when it's filled with love…we'll be ready. It's only been a week, darling…I rushed you into marriage. I won't rush you into making love."

  "Hold me…help me calm down. I've never felt this way before. I don't know how to control my feelings around you. I want you to kiss me all the time, and yet, it's not enough…I know it isn't. I want to please you, and be your wife in every way. I want to become… as one! Like the bible says."

  He did hold her, and his cheek touched hers, he kissed her there. "But this…is not something I will rush into. And we will be one…someday."

  "Promise?"

  "Promise!"

  He took her hand and walked her to the cabin. He helped her unbutton the dress, and take down her hair. His hands splayed in her hair for a moment, then he backed away.

  His mere touch ignited flames throughout her body. Flames she didn't know how to put out. It was miserable.

  She went behind the screen to put on her night gown and take off her dress. The cool night air tightened her nipples and she looked at herself. Was it the air, or him? She remembered his thumbs caressing her, how her body responded and she felt something older than time spreading through her from deep within her. Did she love him? Could she say it and mean it? Or was this just the body wanting something and not the soul? It confused her.

  But he tossed her something.

  "What's this?" She asked.

  "Your new nightgown." He laughed.

  "Is there anything your forgot?" She asked with a chuckle.

  "Did I tell you how beautiful you looked tonight?"

  She laughed. "Several times…"

  "Well, you are sweetheart, believe me."

  "I think you're beautiful too!" she sighed.

  "I've never been told I'm beautiful, before." He chuckled.

  She snickered.

  "I forgot to ask, do you snore?"

  "Sometimes. Just throw a pillow on me, if I do." She chuckled again.

  "Me too!"

  "Do you want me to sleep on the floor?" He asked.

  "On the floor? Of course not." She insisted and came out from behind the screen. "You mean we're not even going to sleep in the same bed?"

  His eyes went all over her and she saw the raw desire there. Her heartbeat quickened. These strange and wonderful feelings wouldn't go away. She wanted to explore them, learn from them, enjoy them.

  Her breasts tingled against the softness of the gown, that glimmered in the dim light. She felt her nipples tighten once more as she looked at him, up and down. He was lean and well built.

  He was a magnificent creature, her mind exploded with every detail of him, from his wide chest, to his narrow waist and his long legs.

  She looked at him with longing, desire, but was this love? She had no idea.

  "The dress was beautiful…but the gown…." He shook his head. "Was a mistake."

  "A mistake?" she gasped.

  "Makes me want you even more. You are a lovely site to behold. I think for the time being, I should sleep on the floor." He swallowed hard. She had no idea that the feminine outline of her body shone through the moonlight and he could see her every curve, from the swell of her ample breast to the curve of her womanhood.

  He felt foolish for denying what they both wanted, but he was sure she wasn't quite ready for it.

  "But why?" Her voice held disappointment.

  He took her hands in his, but stayed an arm's length away. "Because sleeping in the bed…with you…I just can't sleep with you and not touch you, be with you. And we aren't ready for that."

  "How can you be so sure?" Her voice held frustration. "Will you know when we are ready?"

  "I believe so…" He smiled.

  But he understood it.

  "Beth, despite everything, what you are feeling is a physical yearning for completion. It's quite normal. God made us this way. But it is only physical. I want more than that with you."

  "Is that bad?" She asked innocently. "Am I doing something wrong?"

  "No, of course it isn't. But it isn't necessarily love, Beth. That's what I'm trying to say. We naturally want each other. I'm a man, and you’re a woman and it would be quite natural. But it doesn't mean we're ready. Since I'm the more experienced, I must be the one to make the call. Although, I'd like nothing better than to slip between the covers and make love all night to you. I know better. I want you to tell me, when you are really ready."

  "But…this is our wedding night. Isn't this the night for us to come together?" She asked.

  "Normally, it would be. But…I won't take that advantage. And it is an advantage Beth. Lust is as powerful as love sometimes. That's not what I want with you. I've had my share of lust. Believe me, and the next day there is no satisfaction to it. This marriage is a new thing, and you've only had a week to adjust to the changes. Believe me, it's as hard for me to say no as it is for you. Maybe more so. I want to make love to you, Beth. More than anything. I want to kiss you, all over, touch you, and be inside you. But I'll never take advantage of you Beth. I promised your folks that much. I feel that if we wait until the time is right, we'll both be happier in the end."

  She colored, and bent her head.

  She looked down and tears fell on to her cheek.

  He smiled, "I promise, we will be together, and soon…"

  "Soon?" She looked at him with hope in her eyes.

  "Little steps, sweetheart. Beth we've come a long way, and faster than I ever expected. We have to give it some time. Think of it like making bread, let it ferment a little. When we do finally come together, it will be…better than anything you ever imagined. That I promise."

  She smiled sadly. "You won't leave me, because we haven't…."

  "I'll never leave you…." He moved closer, his expression serious. "You are my woman, my wife. I'd never leave you, Beth."

  She sighed again. "Will you kiss me goodnight?"

  He shook his head, "I can't. I can't hold you that close, in that gown, and not touch you, not kiss you all over, not want you. It would be too tempting, honey."

  "I don't understand it. Am I not doing something right?" She swallowed. "This isn't normal, is it?"

  "You've done everything right. Never doubt that."

  "Then why won't you take me?"

  "God…I've got to get a drink. I'll be back, go to sleep."

  "Sleep!" Her voiced almost boomed.

  "Soon…"

  "Soon…"

  He was gone for well over an hour, and she had tried to wait up for him, but her eyes kept closing and she never heard him come in.

  He made his pallet on the floor, with two blankets and two pillows and he looked up at her.

  He sighed loudly but she didn't stir.

  "This may just kill me…" He muttered to himself.

  But when morning came, she sat up in bed and looked down at him, but he wasn't there. She stretched and yawned and smiled to herself. Still, she felt it wasn't right, not being with him last night. She was his wife, and she wanted to be his wife in every way. The fact that he wanted to make sure, she was sure, made her smile. She looked at the ring on her finger. It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever owned. Either he loved more than life itself, or he didn't love her at all. Only time would prove which.

  She glanced about. She looked at the clock hanging on the wall, it was still very early.

  She grabbed the silver brush he'd given her and brushed her hair until it shined. She went to find a suitable dress and pulled it out to change into. She hung it on the changing screen.

  She put on the dress, and was slipping into her new shoes when he came in.

  He smiled and handed her some coffee.

  "Oh…that smells wonderful." She sniffed it then sipped it. "
I’m not human until my first cup of coffee."

  "You take it black?" He asked a little surprised.

  "No use drinking coffee unless you want the full benefit of its flavor." Beth told him.

  "I've been told it will put hair on your chest." He laughed.

  She grinned, "You can check it out some time."

  That did it. He came to sit beside her on the bed, leaning on a pillow he set his coffee down, and wrapped an arm around her. "I'd like to do just that…sometime…" He smiled temptingly.

  She blushed and he bent to take her lips in a quick kiss.

  "Do you get up early every morning?" She asked changing the subject, when she came up for air and realized how easily her husband could make her squirm.

  "Yeah, I have things to do early in the morning. Things concerning the workers, the Captain, the dining hall. So I'm up early to check on things make sure of our stops and our progress and any problems."

  "Can I help in any way?" She asked.

  "Well, I hadn't given that a thought. Never had anyone to help me before." He grinned. "Maybe I can arrange a few wifely chores around here."

  "I'd like that. I don't want to be a woman of leisure. It's not natural."

  "Only in the mornings. And since you and mother get along so well, maybe the two of you can go into port and see the sights of some of our stops." He suggested. "We'll stop off tomorrow."

  "I'd love that. Would she let me help her a bit?"

  "I don't know, ask her."

  She grinned. "I will. You know the way you were acting, I thought she'd be hard to figure. But I can almost understand her."

  "I thought you might." He laughed. "I just didn't know if she would understand you."

  "You're in a good mood this morning." She elbowed him.

  "I wonder why, I spent the night dreaming about a certain lady."

  "Do I know her?"

  "No I doubt it." He frowned. "She's this little hill girl I met in Texas, with golden hair, and soft brown eyes, and a smile as beautiful as a sunrise. She kisses like a dream too. I'm terribly fond of her."

  Beth chuckled but quickly realized he hadn't said he loved her. Perhaps she shouldn't expect it, but she missed it. How can I miss something I've never had? "You're teasing me."