“Whatever it cost, it’s worth it to see you looking as happy as you do now.”
“But…” He cut me off.
“No, I don’t want to hear anymore. I wanted to do this for you. I never spend money on anything, I’m too busy working, so I enjoyed spending some on someone I love. Let me just have that, ok? I’m your big brother, I’m allowed to spoil you.”
“Thank you…...so so much Matt.” I blubbered. I couldn’t hold in the tears. I was so emotional and so happy. It all felt like some wonderful dream I never ever wanted to wake from. Matt wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.
“There’s one more thing I need to give you.” Matt said as he pulled away and walked over to the chest of drawers.
“What more could you possibly give me Matt?” I asked tearfully. He opened the top drawer and pulled something out. I walked closer to him and he held an envelope out to me. I took it and tentatively opened it wondering what on earth it could be. He had already done too much for me.
“A passport?” It was an American passport.
“It’s yours. When I applied for citizenship a few years ago I had to list dependents and that included you at the time, so you were granted citizenship too. It means you can stay as long as you want, stay forever if you want.” He said with a smile.
“What would I ever do without you Matt?” I was emotional again. He really had thought of everything, and I was so completely overwhelmed and eternally grateful.
“You’ll never know Darling because I am never leaving you, ever again.” He pulled me close to him and held me tightly.
“Jesus Matt, less than a month ago I was so lost and so very close to just giving up. Now thanks to you and the guys I can see the light, I can see the future ahead, a good, happy future.”
“We didn’t do anything. It was all you darling. You got yourself out of there. You found the strength to walk away and get here. You’re so amazing. I’m so bloody proud of you.”
“I’m only strong because I always know I have you backing me up Matt. You make me strong.”
“ We make each other strong. I’m so glad you’re here with me.”
“Me too.” I agreed emotionally.
“Welcome home Lucy.” He whispered and I suddenly felt I was home. I was where I was supposed to be and so far I absolutely loved it!
ROB
Jesus! I was nervous! Why the hell was I nervous? I was en route to Matt’s place for dinner, something I had done a million times over. He had called me earlier and said Lucy wanted to cook for the three of us that night. I’d been pleased to hear she had slept pretty well her first night at Matt’s place. It meant she must have been comfortable there and that was great. She needed to find some peace in her life. She had suffered far too much for such a young, beautiful person.
I pulled into the visitor spaces in the underground parking lot and jumped out. I had butterflies in my stomach, like a fucking schoolgirl! What was wrong with me? I’d dressed smartly, wanting to make the effort for her, but not really allowing myself to understand why I really cared so much. I was excited to see her out of the hospital, to see her in a normal setting and out of the hospital gown she had been in for weeks, but I was pissed at myself for feeling that way. Deep down I knew I was attracted to her, I couldn’t shut off the feelings no matter how hard I tried, but I knew I had to sort myself out. The last thing that poor woman needed was some huge idiot hitting on her after everything she’d been through. I wasn’t even sure if she liked me for fuck’s sake! Sure, she was always friendly and smiled a lot when I saw her, but she was like that with everyone. She was probably just being polite.
No, I had to drop these stupid fucking feelings for her. I was wrapped up in her and I needed to stop it, I knew it, but I couldn’t. I tried to pretend I didn’t feel anything, but I did. I felt things for that stunning dark-haired beauty that I had never experienced in my entire life. Could I ever get over those kinds of feelings?
I stepped out of the elevator on the twentieth floor and took some deep breaths as I made my way down the hall. I had to get my shit together. What the fuck was wrong with me? I knocked on the door to Matt’s apartment and made myself calm down. It was just a dinner, I could get it together for a dinner, surely.
“Hi Rob!” Shit! I lost it as Lucy opened the door and beamed at me. She looked breath-taking in tight fitted jeans and a black sweater. Her hair was tied back, and she had on makeup which emphasised her beautiful wide eyes. I was just stood taking her in, staring at her like an idiot! “Are you ok?” Her smile turned to concern, and I pulled myself together.
“Sure sweetheart, I’m good.” I said quickly. “You look a lot better.” I added as I followed her in.
“I feel a lot better too.” She smiled again and I could barely breathe.
“Glad to hear it.” I forced myself to speak.
“I just need to grab something from my room. Matt’s in the kitchen.” I wondered if I had made her uncomfortable by being so damned awkward and inwardly cursed myself, but that didn’t stop me from looking at her ass in those tight jeans as she walked away and Jesus! She was spectacular.
“Hi Rob. Are you alright?” Matt called from the kitchen and I hurriedly looked up.
“Yeah man, you?” I walked towards him and tried to take my mind off how beautiful Lucy looked.
“Bloody knackered mate. Lucy dragged me around the supermarket for two hours earlier and then we had to carry about six million bags of shopping up here. Now she’s got me slaving in here!” Matt complained with a huge smile. I knew he was loving every second of having her there with him.
“Here, let me take over before you lose a finger.” I offered when I saw him trying uselessly to chop tomatoes.
“Thank god!” Matt sighed dramatically, as he dropped the knife and went to the fridge for a beer.
“Want one?” He offered.
“Better not. I’m working later.” I replied. “How has she been?” I asked hurriedly while Lucy wasn’t in the room.
“Ok actually. Only one nightmare last night, well early hours of this morning actually and she seems happy. I think she’s ok Rob.” Matt almost sang. I knew he was pleased, but I wondered how ok she really was and how much of it was just Matt’s wishful thinking, deluding him. She wouldn’t simply forget what she had been through, it was going to stay with her, and I knew from conversations I had had with her she was struggling with flashbacks and nightmares. I wondered if she was just covering it all to make Matt feel better.
“That’s good.” I agreed, deciding to keep my thoughts to myself at least until I had spoken with Lucy myself. “She looks really good…….better I mean.” Shit! That sounded stupid. Thankfully, Jack walked into the apartment and Matt turned his attention to him. Come on Rob, get it together! I reprimanded myself.
LUCY
We all sat down to dinner about half an hour after Rob and Jack had arrived. I had cooked a harissa roasted chicken with couscous and salad, choosing to keep it healthy since all three of them seemed to have been really health conscious whilst I had been there. They tucked in like they hadn’t eaten for days and I was glad to see them enjoying it. I had a little couscous on my plate, and I pushed it around as they all ate. I still hadn’t really eaten much real food, other than treats, so far and I wasn’t ready to start that night either.
“That was amazing Lucy!” Jack declared as he finished his plate.
“There’s more if you want it.” I replied happily.
“Really?”
“Shall I get you some?” I offered.
“No sweet, it’s ok. I can get it myself.” He was jumping up then and hurrying around the breakfast bar into the kitchen.
“Don’t you dare take it all Jack Reed!” Rob shouted, as he wolfed down the last bit of his food, making me smile. At least my cooking was a hit. Rob was up and rushing to refill his own plate the very second he emptied it then too. I watched him walk away, I couldn’t help it. He was so amazingly tall, muscular
and spectacularly good looking and I was a red-blooded woman after all. My hellish time with Phil may have scared me off of relationships for life, but a girl could dream.
The more I had gotten to know Rob the more I found myself staring at him and hanging on his every word. I was becoming drawn to him no matter how hard I tried to stop myself. There was something magnetic about him and I was definitely attracted, but it was nothing more than some innocent perving. I had made a pledge to stay the hell away from romance for the rest of my life and I planned to stick to it. No way would I ever let myself be dragged back into that sort of hell, ever again.
“Are you going to eat anything Darling?” Matt asked quietly. I snapped my gaze from Rob’s tight backside and looked across the table.
“I don’t really fancy it Matt. I’ll have some of the dessert.”
“There’s dessert? I didn’t see you making anything?”
“Of course. I made your favourite, sticky toffee and custard.”
“Homemade custard?” Matt asked like an excited child.
“Of course.” I said again with a smile.
“Now I’m glad those two are filling up on mains then!” He said with a grin. “They won’t have room for dessert!”
“Dessert? Did you just say dessert?” Jack cried as he took his seat with a second plate full.
“Don’t tell him Lucy!” Matt whispered making me laugh.
“Matt, even you couldn’t eat all of the sticky toffee I made. It’s huge!” Matt pulled a sulky face making me laugh once again.
After Rob and Jack finished up every scrap of savoury food, I brought out an oozing, hot sticky toffee pudding and a huge jug of custard. Matt served up, presumably so he could give himself a massive serving.
“Oh my God!” Rob cried on the first spoonful. “What is this again?”
“Sticky toffee pudding. It’s Matt’s favourite.”
“Well it’s my favourite too now! It’s delicious!”
“He’s right. This is the bomb!” Jack agreed. I ate a small amount just to stop Matt watching me with worry. I knew he wanted me to start eating more, but it was a mental thing for me. I had spent so long convincing myself I didn’t need to or want to eat; it was very hard to then just turn it around.
When we were all done we sat back and chatted about nothing important, and I found it so relaxing to hear them all talking and laughing. It was so wonderful to be surrounded by people I was safe with, just enjoying myself with no stress or worry.
“You guys go through to the lounge. I’ll clean up.” Matt suggested after a while.
“No I’ll clear up Matt,” I argued. “But before I do I just wanted to say thank you while you’re all here. I wanted to cook tonight so I would get the opportunity to just let you all know how grateful I am for what you have all done for me. I know you all took time out to be with me at the hospital and I really would have gone crazy there without the three of you, it meant so much that you were there with me.
“Also I needed to thank you for the beautiful bedroom and everything else you have done for me. You have made me feel happier than I ever realised I could be again, and most importantly you’ve made me feel safe when I really thought I never would again, so thank you, all of you.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I spoke, at just the thought of everything they had done to help me over the last couple of weeks. I knew I was incredibly lucky to have them all.
“You don’t need to thank us Lucy. We’re family. We’ll always be here for you just as we are for each other.” Rob said softly.
“He’s right honey. You can always count on us, no matter what. We really are a family, albeit a little dysfunctional.” Jack added with a chuckle.
“You can say that again!” Matt roared with laughter and then we were all laughing. Jack was right, as a family we were pretty dysfunctional, but I liked it. All I had wanted since my parents passed away was to feel surrounded by love as I once had and there, with my brother and two amazing men who I had grown to care for a great deal and who I knew I could count on, I felt the love I had longed for.
***
From that day I continued to try and restart my life despite the obstacles of the past. It had been six weeks since I arrived in Chicago and physically I was a lot better. My ribs were almost healed, and the pain was a lot less. The swelling down my back and sides had gone down the bruises long since healed. My face, although still pale and drawn, was free of the cuts and bruises that had adorned it when I arrived, and I looked almost like me again. I could move much more freely and the terrible bouts of tiredness I had been struggling with were getting fewer and further between. Eating was still an issue and I was surviving mainly on small amounts of yoghurt, porridge and soup. Sometimes if Matt really pushed me I would eat a tiny bit of something more substantial, mainly chocolate and sweet things, but it was rare, even the appeal of those having worn off too. Despite that, overall, physically I was definitely doing better. Mentally was a whole other story. I woke up at least twice a night drenched in sweat and screaming for my life from terrifying nightmares in which I relived Phil’s attacks over and over again. Matt would rush in to comfort me if he were home, but as time passed he had been forced to return to his shifts more and more at the hospital and he was there with me less and less. He had been anxious about leaving me at first, but I had assured him I would be fine.
Jack and Rob had tried to come around when Matt was out, but that couldn’t last. Jack’s shifts were just as crazy as Matt’s and Rob literally never stopped working. I think after a while they saw my smiles and the brave face I was so good at putting on and accepted the lies when I told them I was fine alone. I was trying hard to hide what really went on in my head. Behind the smile I plastered on ten times a day I was in hell, especially when I was alone, tortured by the horrifying memories and extremely vivid flashbacks of everything I had been through and the very real terror that Phil would come after me at any time. When someone was with me I could feel safe and push the horror back somewhat, I wanted to hide it all from them, especially Matt. I knew he was already worried enough about the nightmares which I couldn’t hide, I didn’t want to add to it. I was a master at hiding my fears and upset thanks to Phil.
“Lucy? Are you awake?” Jack called through my bedroom door. I had been up for almost four hours since the last nightmare, too afraid to go back to sleep. I studied myself in the mirror of the dressing table I sat in front of. I had washed and dried my hair and styled it in loose curls. I was wearing a fancy dress that Matt had bought for me from Bloomingdales in his mad shopping trip weeks ago. It was a beautiful deep red skater dress which fit me to perfection and cost more than my entire wardrobe when I was with Phil. I loved it, like all of the amazing things Matt had bought me that day. I was so grateful to my brother, who I knew had tried and would continue to try and do anything to see me happy. That was the problem though, I kept on waiting to feel happy and on occasion, when I was with the guys, it would but it never lasted long once I was alone again. Misery and darkness always seemed to find its way back in in the form of torturous memories and flashbacks. At first I thought when I got used to being back with Matt the darkness would pass, but six weeks with him and it still lingered. Then I thought it was the pain I was in. Once I started to heal and the pain lessened I’d start to feel better about this new life and I’d be happy and less haunted by the past, but it hadn’t worked so far. The beautiful room filled with beautiful things couldn’t hold back the darkness that attacked me regularly. Even being with my amazing brother couldn’t block out the horror of the last three years that had a firm grip on me.
I had times of happiness, when I was with the guys or when Matt had first shown me the spectacular room and the beautiful things he had bought me, but the moments never lasted, they would fade away into sadness the instant I was alone. The horror of the last three years consumed me and took away every speck of hope and happiness that came near me. I was drowning in a deep dark depression and nothing could pull me out o
f it. My fear was eventually it would swallow me whole and I would be gone forever.
“Lucy?” Jack called again. We were supposed to be going to the cinema that morning to watch a new comedy Jack liked the look of. I had dressed up to go, but I really didn’t want to that morning. I’d had a really bad night and I couldn’t get images of Phil out of my tired brain.
“I’m coming Jack.” I called back. I took a deep breath and made my way out to the lounge. Jack was stood in the kitchen waiting for me. He looked so handsome in jeans, a white shirt and his Barbour coat. He smiled at me and it made me feel a little better for a moment.
“Hey honey.” He greeted. “You look great.”
“Thanks. You too.” I forced a smile.
“Do you want some breakfast before we go?”
“Jack, would you really hate me if I cancelled on you?” I asked sheepishly.
“Of course I wouldn’t. Why honey, what’s up?” He asked with concern.
“I just had a rough night and I’m really tired. I don’t really feel up to it today. I’m really sorry.” I felt guilty cancelling on him like that, but I just couldn’t face plastering my happy face on all day, not that day! The nightmares I had been riddled with the night before had been some of the worse and I still felt shaken, struggling to shake the images of one of Phil’s most brutal attacks from my mind.
“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s fine. If you’re tired you should head back to bed and rest sweet. I’ll just head over to the gym instead. We can go to the movies another day.” I was so relieved he understood and was being so kind about it.
He left the apartment about half an hour later after me repeatedly assuring him I was fine and was just going to head back to bed. He promised to check on me later and headed out to the gym. I was relieved when he was gone, and I could just let out the tears I had been desperate to shed all morning. I curled up on the sofa and just sobbed as awful memories of Phil hurting me, ran through my head. I lay there for a long time until I could take it no longer. I had to find a way to dull the pain Phil was causing even then when I was thousands of miles away from him.
Something Other than Fear Page 10