“Roy,” she breathed as I placed her on her back. Parting her legs with my knee, I sank down, pressing my chest on hers. My lips started at her neck, and I drug them from the bend to her earlobe. She released a heavy moan, fisting my hair with both hands, and forcing my mouth on hers. Her tongue swirled with mine, and then I sucked on it, groaning as I cupped her breasts. I began to thrust against her, building a friction to which I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist. I was straining against my jeans, wanting to burst free and plunge deep. Things were going slower than I’d ever taken them before, but I was enjoying it. Slow with Rose seemed… better.
Fuck. How is she doing this to me?
“I want you, Roy,” she whispered.
Pausing, I lifted my head and stared into her eyes. They glistened from the flashlight beside her head. Her lips were parted, her chest bobbing up and down at a fast pace. The look in her eyes proved she wanted all of me, but it’d only been a week. Sure, I wanted to fuck her senseless and feel her come all over my cock, but if I were to rush this and she had a change of heart within the next few days, I would feel like shit because I didn’t control myself. Because I rushed things.
I noticed, about Rose, that whenever she got in the heat of the moment, she always wanted me to take her. She didn’t care about the consequences, which would’ve been good if all I wanted was her panties, but I wanted much more. Maybe if I was still the guy who didn’t give a damn about sleeping with random girls, I wouldn’t have felt so bad. But things were different now. How would she react to seeing me later on? Would she still want me like she wanted me before? I didn’t want to rush this. I couldn’t. I wanted so much more with her. I wanted us to go far.
With all this shit running through my head, I didn’t even realize I’d stopped touching and kissing her, she’d pulled her legs from beneath me, and was now standing beside the bed.
“What are you doing?” I asked, staring up at her.
She stared down at me, her eyes filled with unhappiness. “I… I just don’t understand what’s so bad about me,” she said, blinking her tears away.
I rushed to my feet. “Rose, there’s nothing bad about you.”
“Then why can’t you just give me what I want?” she whined. “Why can’t you just… take me?”
“Because, I—I can’t. I don’t want you to regret it later on.”
She frowned. “Why would I regret it?”
Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair, my eyes drifting from hers to the floor. She was waiting for an answer, and I was going to give her an honest one.
“Rose, we hardly know each other. Okay? And I don’t want that. When it does happen between us—and trust me, I can’t fucking wait—I want to be able to look you in the eye and see what you see. I wanna be able to hold you like you want to be held. Touch you like how you want to be touched. Kiss you like how you want to be kissed. I want to adapt to your body. I want you to adapt to mine. I want you to know more about me eventually, so you’ll know if you really want this with me—if this’ll be worth it.”
“But, Roy, I feel like I know you enough…”
“No.” I shook my head, stopping her midsentence. “No, Rose, you don’t. You don’t even know the half.” I tried laughing to make the situation lighter, but it came out forced and unnatural.
“Well… let us get to know one another, then. Right now. We have all night.” She sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled up at me as she patted the spot beside her. I couldn’t fight my smile or the dumb insects fluttering in my stomach as I sat down. I stared into her eyes for a brief moment and then sighed, shaking my head as I looked down again. “What?” she whispered.
Looking up, I tilted her chin with my forefinger and locked eyes with her. Her icy blue was matching my dark-brown. I didn’t expect her to gently push my hair away from my forehead. She tucked a lock behind my ear, and I looked down at my lap, drawing in another breath. “Rose, I’m not sure what has you so eager to give yourself up to me, but I don’t want it to happen this way. I don’t want you to force it. I want you to want it. Crave it.”
She slowly lowered her hand from my hair, giving me a hard stare. I admit, it was kind of intimidating. I could tell, by that stare alone, she hung around with plenty of men in the mafia. It was a what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say kind of stare, but behind it, I could feel her sincerity burning.
“We could have all night to get to know one another, or we could have all the time in the world—month after month, year after year—to get to know one another. One night?” I said, raising one hand in the air. “Or year after year?” I said, raising the other. “I don’t know about you,” I laughed, “but I’d much rather have year after year with you than one night. One night would never be enough time to get to know someone, especially someone like me… someone like you. I wanna know every single detail about you, Rose. I wanna know everything because when that day comes that we actually do make it happen, I’ll be sure you don’t regret it—that you’ll think about it every single day.”
For a moment her face was stale. Blank. But in no time, a full-blown grin smothered the lower half of her face, and she tackled me with a hug, causing me to land on my back. She crushed my lips with hers and threaded her tiny fingers through my hair for just a few minutes, and then, she said, “Roy, we’ll have all the time in the world. Getting to know you will be worth it.”
I’m not sure why I fell for that line so hard. I’m not sure why, after she said that, I wanted to make her my world. My universe. My all. When she told me that, I knew I was going to love this girl for the rest of my life. I knew I was going to end up marrying her. We’d just met, but with each passing day throughout the rest of that month, our bond grew. It wasn’t love, per se, but it was extremely close. And I wasn’t denying it. My time spent with her went from being two to three times a week to two to three times a day.
Things with us were going smoothly. Things were… perfect. The band and I got better, and more people starting coming to Steele’s to watch us, but around Rose and I’s eight month mark, the tables turned upside down. Shit flipped, and not for the better. It was worse than anything I’d ever been through. Worse than delivering drugs, getting pushed around by Corey, sneaking around with Rose, and even the haunting of beating the man on the stoop to a bloody pool.
The thing that happened, that no person—whether in love or just starting to fall in love—ever wants to go through, was what nearly demolished me.
Heartbreak.
Eight months into our relationship, Rose and I were doing better than ever before. I spent more time with her than I did with my own band. Although the boys didn’t say much about it to me, I knew they were starting to get annoyed by me not showing up for practices. I was usually the one who badgered them about being on time or playing correctly. I was the one who made sure everyone was going to show up, and if they didn’t they better have had a damned good excuse as to why not. I had high hopes and dreams for my band, but the less time I spent with them, the more I realized I was distancing myself from music.
It was a pretty warm day in March. I was in the kitchen making Mom a strawberry-banana smoothie. She wasn’t doing well, and I noticed it more and more each day. I spent just as much time with her as I did with Rose. I could never part myself from this woman, the woman who birthed me, gave me life. The woman who raised me into who I was. Who I am. She was a good woman, and although she made a few mistakes, she was the best person on the planet to be around, even more than Rose… which was shocking. It was almost a tie between the two, but Mom would always be my number one lady.
“Here you go,” I said, handing her the smoothie. She smiled faintly, reaching for the glass and lifting it to her dry lips. She was at a stage now where she didn’t want to eat anything. It freaked me out a little because she’d go for days without food, but I had to switch things up. I figured making her smoothies and turning her foods into liquids was the best way to go. It was something to fill her stomach.
&
nbsp; “Roy,” she said, placing her glass on the coffee table. “Come sit, baby,” she said, patting the spot beside her with her hand.
Sighing, I sat beside her, smiling as her lips spread.
“Listen… I’ve been thinking long and hard, and don’t get me wrong when I say any of this,” she said, staring into my eyes. Her smile had disappeared, her lips pressed thin.
“Okay…”
She blew out a breath and squeezed my hand. “You know I love all you do for me, baby. All the time you sacrifice for me, all the work you put into taking care of me, and even watching over me at my worst.” A smile appeared on her lips again, causing me to smile a little, too.
“Mom, I told you I have no problem taking care of you. You took care of me. I’m just returning the favor… because I love you,” I said, squeezing her hand.
“I know, baby. I know,” she murmured. “But… I know you have Rosemarie… and I know you have your band. And I know you love spending time with them. I know you’d much rather hang with them than this old, sick woman in front of you,” she teased.
“No… it’s fine, Mom. You know I don’t mind being with you.”
“I know you don’t mind,” she stated, now staring into my eyes, “but I mind. I don’t wanna strip your life away from you. I don’t want you worrying about me every second of the day. I want you to live.”
“But… I need to. You’re my mother. You’re sick. Who else is gonna do it?”
“You’re my son,” she said, placing her free hand on my cheek and cupping it. “A mother would never want their child to regret not living their life the way they wanted to, especially if she’s the reason for it. I want you to live, Roy. I want you to go out as much as you want and stay out as late as you want. I want you to start worrying about yourself just as much as you worry about me—or any other person in your life that you love. I don’t like to see you stress over my health. I’m fine, baby, and I’ll be even better knowing you’re living your life the way you want to. You can still help me, but I don’t want you to think you have to spend all your time with me just to make me feel better. I deserve this, okay? And if I have to suffer, that’s fine, but I won’t let you suffer along with me. Not my baby boy.” Tears built in her eyes, but she was smiling. I was shocked to hear all of this coming out of her mouth, but I knew how she felt. I would do anything for her; however, I must admit, it kind of sucked when it came down to events I had to pass on because I was taking care of her. I didn’t mind taking care of her, yet, at some point, I remember wishing I could’ve done some of the things I wanted without having to rush back home just to make sure she was okay.
And then, a thought struck me. I wasn’t making much money, but I had enough in my savings. “I’ll get you a nurse,” I said.
“What?” She frowned. “No. Not happening. We can hardly even pay the hospital bills, Roy.”
“I’ve been saving money for another guitar, but this is more important. If you want me out more, so be it, but I want to at least know you’re okay—that you’re well taken care of. I have enough in my savings to last a few months, and each time I get paid, I’ll keep saving. We’ll keep paying the nurse.”
The built up tears in her eyes fell, her bottom lip trembling. “Roy, you don’t have to—”
“I will, Ma. Don’t worry, okay? Somebody’s gotta take care of you. I have to know you’re okay… at all times.”
Leaning in, I kissed her on the cheek and forehead then smiled. She pulled me in for a tight hug, sniffling over my shoulder. “Go have some fun, Roy. I heard your phone go off about ten times in the kitchen. Who was it?” she asked, sitting back to meet my eyes.
I fought a smile, just at the thought of her name. “Rose.”
“Aw, baby. Look at you. Blushing!” She pinched my cheeks playfully. “Go ahead. I should be okay for the rest of the night.”
“Alright.” I was a bit hesitant as I backed away from the sofa. “Are you sure? I can always cancel and meet her tomorrow…”
“Roy. Get outta here!”
Laughing, I snatched up my jacket from the coat rack, grabbed my house keys, and pulled the door open. “I’ll see you when I get home. Call me if you need anything. Anything, Ma.”
She blew an air kiss, and with that, I was on my way to meet Rose.
Our meeting spot was in the park, on the same bench where I first met her. She was sitting in a pair of skinny jeans, jewel-encrusted sandals, and a pink hoodie. Her hair was down, the hood pulled over her head. Her gaze was pointed at the ground, and as I got closer, something seemed sort of… off. She heard my footsteps and looked up, forcing a smile across her lips. It was unusual to see her look away as I met up and sat beside her.
“Hey,” I whispered, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I’m fine. Just thinking.”
Swallowing, I removed my arm and turned toward her, providing all my attention. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“Yeah… I know.”
“So… tell me.”
She twisted her head to look up at me. Slowly reaching her hand up, she pushed the wisps of hair hanging in my eyes away. She then smiled, tilting her head and taking in each and every one of my features. Unease consumed me, so I looked away, down at the ground. Shit. How could she still do that to me?
“It’s not really a problem,” she said, her voice soft and relaxed. I jerked my head up, staring into her eyes. I wasn’t sure what to say, and I was glad she went on. “It’s more like something I found out…” She grabbed my hand and linked fingers with me. Then she moved closer, still staring at me. The same stare that always made me feel nervous. “I realized, just hours ago, that I… love you, Roy. I’ve been trying to figure out why I haven’t told you this before—why I’ve been holding it back from you…”
I halted on my next breath, and this time, as she stared at me I didn’t bother looking away. Her eyes were glistening, full of hope and passion. Hearing those words was what I’d been waiting on for months because not only had I fallen completely in love with her four months ago, but I also had this doubt buried within me that she’d never love me the same way. So, after hearing that she did love me—that she most likely cared for me just as much as I did, her—I was relieved. I was the happiest motherfucker on the planet. Happiness was what I felt, and it felt odd because this happiness overwhelmed me. It consumed me, and soon, that happiness turned into nothing but pure joy.
“Say something,” she begged in a whisper. Her smile had transformed into a concerned glare.
Blinking rapidly, I said, “Come with me.” Before she could respond, I was grabbing her hand and rushing away from the park.
“Where are we going?” she asked behind me.
I think she knew exactly where we were going because she laughed moments later. I had been waiting for this moment—for her to tell me she loved me. I knew I wasn’t a fool. I knew all of this shit would be worth it. All of the sneaking around, hiding, pretending we didn’t know one another when I delivered to Red Round’s mansion. All of the risks, consequences, and interrogations led up to this. It was all leading up to that exact moment, the moment I seemed to have been waiting on for what felt like an eternity.
As the old wooden building appeared, Rose gasped, tightening her grip around my hand. A smile tingled at my lips as we got closer. I didn’t dare stop running. Something within me was telling me to take her here. I knew it wasn’t the best place to bring someone like her, but she seemed to enjoy being in the Tavern whenever we showed up.
Releasing her hand and tugging on the heavy door, we entered the familiar atmosphere in no time. I grabbed her hand and hurried to the bed in the corner. “Roy, why’d you drag me here?” she asked, laughing a little.
I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t, really. I didn’t want to speak, not until the time was right. Right now, I was all action—this boiled up pot of emotion was soon going to bubble over if I didn’t proceed with wha
t I really wanted to do.
Rose took notice of my silence, and her smile disappeared. The window to my left revealed the sunset, and a few rays splashed on her face. I admired her plush lips and bright, gorgeous blue eyes.
“Roy…” she whispered, her voice a trembling mess. I was making her nervous now, but she was also getting turned on. I could tell by the way her teeth sank into her bottom lip. My hair was in my eyes yet again, my gaze hard and penetrating beneath. Taking slow steps toward her, I cocked my head, looking her over from head to toe until, finally, I was right in front of her, inhaling her sweet scent, wanting to bask in the beauty of her soul.
Placing my hand on her chin, I released her bottom lip from the trap of her teeth, and within no time, I had her in my arms, her legs locked around me, and her moans filled the Tavern.
“You’ve. Held. Off for. So long. Roy,” she said between kisses. I smiled behind my next kiss, spinning around and placing her back on the bed.
“But does now feel right?” I asked. My voice was huskier than normal. “Does it feel better than when you first asked me?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“And why’s that?”
“Because… I… love you. And you love me. We… each other.” It was hard for her to speak clearly with my lips crushing hers.
A smile graced my lips as I lifted her up to remove her hoodie. She tossed it aside and hurriedly unbuttoned her jeans while kicking off her sandals. I followed suit and tugged my shirt over my head. I unbuckled my belt, standing to my feet to allow my pants to fall to the ground. Rose stared up at me, admiring each tattoo. Her gaze was heavy. I could feel it running over every part of me, making that nervousness appear again. The insecurities were accompanied by a bulge in my underwear, growing harder and harder by the second.
“You wanna know something?” I asked, breaking her trance.
Who I Am (FireNine) Page 7