Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  “What?” she asked as I leaned down, placing a kiss on her left temple.

  “I’ve loved you way before now. Four months ago, actually. I fell for you, and not in a way that’s simple and ordinary, but in a unique way—a way that I know I’ll never forget because falling for you was risky. It was a test that we both aced, Rose. And I love this feeling… how I feel with you. I love it. I was just waiting on you to feel the same way. I was scared to tell you, thinking you might not feel what I’m feeling.”

  Her face was blank and emotionless. The empty look in her eyes worried me, and I was about to speak up until she cracked a smile and tears dampened her eyes. “Roy, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  Grinning, I continued what I started, what I really came to the Tavern for. To please her. To make love to her. After eight long fucking months, it was time to release all this pent up within me. I’d never gone so long without having sex, but with Rose, sex was just a word I was able to overlook. It wasn’t all about fucking her like I thought it would be. What I wanted most was to get to know her. There was a connection that I enjoyed, and I didn’t want to mess it up. But now felt right. I thought it was going to be the best thing to ever happen to me.

  Several hours later, my phone buzzed. My eyelids were heavy, but I managed to open them. Taking a look at my surroundings, I sighed and reached on the ground for my phone. Rose was lying on top of me, sound asleep.

  Seeing her half-naked on my chest made me smile, but seeing Corey’s name on my screen wiped it all away. “Hello?” I answered. I tried to keep my voice light.

  “I need you to come here in the next thirty and help Cheek deliver some things.”

  I rolled my eyes. At least he was giving me a decent amount of time to arrive. “I’ll be there.”

  I hung up and looked down at Rose who was stirring out of her sleep. She rubbed her eyes, and then they popped open. She smiled up at me as I reached down to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “I have to go.”

  She pursed her lips. “Where?”

  “It was Corey,” I muttered.

  “Oh.” She remained still for a moment. She looked at me again and released a heavy sigh before sitting up and climbing off my lap. She went for her clothes lying on the bed and started getting dressed. She looked good as hell naked, and seeing her put those clothes back on made my dick harder than a rock again. She glanced over her shoulder, smirked, and tugged her shirt down, covering her C-cup breasts.

  “If you were to stay a little longer, maybe you could get another taste,” she teased, turning and sinking into my arms. She craned her arms around my neck, looking up at me with smiling eyes.

  “You know I’d do anything to stay right now, but Corey is starting to back off, and I don’t need him getting all suspicious again.”

  She pouted a little. “I know.” She pulled away, trotting toward the bed to slide into her jeans. I followed suit and put my jeans on as well. As I stood up straight, Rose was staring at my chest, slowly allowing her gaze to drift down to my abdominals. “Roy, I really want you to get out of that business with Corey. It’s not safe. You know one of his men got killed by my uncle last week?”

  “I know,” I said, zipping and then buttoning my jeans. “I heard they aren’t on good terms with Red Round right now.”

  She nodded. “But do you know why?”

  I shook my head and shrugged. “No. I didn’t care much to ask. That’s their problem.”

  “No, it’s not just theirs. They know I’m seeing someone who works for Corey.” Her face was serious, her eyes hard on mine. My eyes were wider than disks. “Roy, I don’t want them to find out it’s you. We’ve been lucky the past few months, but… if they find out, I know Daddy will tell them not to cut any slack. Rocky told them it was someone who worked for Corey, but he didn’t say who. He’s messing around, and I can’t stand it. He’s going to get a lot of people killed in this stupid fucking game of his. I don’t know what Rocky’s planning, but it’s something big. I can sense it. I know it. Whenever he’s around me now, he just… smiles. Like he’s up to no good.”

  “Rose, they won’t find out,” I said, starting a walk toward her. “I don’t even hang around Corey or the people who work for him.” Before I could get too close, she held up her hand and shook her head. I stopped in my tracks, confused.

  “Roy… we have to lay low for a while. I was really meeting you today to tell you that they’re getting too close to knowing. What happened here just kind of… happened.” I couldn’t lie. That felt like a bullet to the heart. “Daddy hasn’t sent anyone to follow me because he just found out,” she continued, “but he will soon, and when he does, I don’t want you to be around whenever one of his men shows up. Chances are, the person he sends to follow me will be showing up to kill you.”

  In that instant, I was lost. My head was spinning way too quickly. “Why can’t you just tell them you’re with me? That you’re happy with me? Wouldn’t they understand? Wouldn’t they cut some slack?”

  “It doesn’t matter if you’re with me. And, sometimes, it doesn’t matter whether I’m happy or not. Daddy is selfish and is mainly about business. The fact that you work for Corey is reason enough to kill you. He no longer trusts Corey after hearing one of his men is messing with me. Corey has also been giving him crap drugs to sell, and Daddy’s not looking over it anymore. I know it was Rocky who spread the word around. I just know it. He’s the only one who knows. He’s trying to get me to stop seeing you, or you to stop seeing me. He’s trying to scare you.” She shook her head repeatedly, as if scolding herself.

  I blew out a defeated sigh. “What if I stop working for Corey? Then can I be seen with you?” That was a dumb question. Was I really willing to give up my only form of income just to be with her? Apparently so. That’s how much she meant to me.

  Rose chewed on her lip, a little too hesitant about her response. “Roy… right now isn’t a good time for us to be out and about like nothing is going on. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me, Rose,” I said, inching forward, but she inched further away.

  “I’m telling you everything, Roy. This is the truth. I know my Daddy. I know my brother. I know Red Round. Even if you do stop working for Corey, they’ll know you worked for him before. They can always find out. They won’t trust you.”

  This was really making my skin crawl. “How the fuck did Rocky find out I was working for Corey anyway?” I demanded.

  “I think he’s been watching you,” she whispered.

  “Watching me? Why?”

  “He doesn’t trust you, Roy. They all have trust issues.”

  “Well how about, instead of snooping, they just get to know me? I’m not a bad guy.”

  “Not now,” she murmured, grabbing her hoodie. “It’ll have to be later. You have to be patient.”

  I thought about saying something else, but instead, I kept my lips sealed. Rose pulled her hoodie over her head and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ears. I couldn’t figure out what she was hiding, and I hated that I didn’t have time to sit her down and get it out of her. Frustrated, I pulled my T-shirt over my head, slid my feet into my boots, and turned for the door. I guess my time with her at the Tavern was a waste. She didn’t come to enjoy our first time. She came to call us off—to take a break.

  Rose followed after me, calling my name along the way. I didn’t answer her, even as I exited the Tavern, and I guess this pissed her off because, in an instant, she grabbed my arm and spun me around, glaring up at me.

  “I know you’re upset, Roy, but you have to understand,” she said quickly.

  “No, I can’t understand right now, Rose. You’re asking me to take a break from seeing you just because your Dad has trust issues. Your dad is not my fucking problem. Your brother isn’t my problem. The only person I’ll concern myself about is you, and that’s ‘c
ause I love you, but telling me to stay away… I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that.”

  “But you have to, Roy. Just for a few days… a week or so. Let me clear things up before—”

  “A week?!”

  “Yes!” she shouted. “Yes, Roy, a week! He’s been constantly asking me to give a name, but I refuse. He swears he isn’t going to hurt you, but he will. I know it. I know my dad. I was upset at the park earlier because he told me to leave. We argued, and he told me that since I wouldn’t tell him who you were, he would find out for himself.” Shaking her head, she blew out a rough breath. “Don’t you see? I don’t want that for you. Just… give me some time to tell him to call this search for you off. If I beg him to drop it long enough, maybe he will… for me. Daddy has bigger shit to handle.”

  Something just didn’t seem right. It wasn’t sitting well with me. I didn’t give a damn if her dad wanted to kill me. If I had to talk to him to earn his trust and let him know I had respect and a huge amount of love for his daughter, I would. I didn’t care if I was risking my life. I wanted her to be my life. I was tired of the hiding and sneaking around. We weren’t making progress with her savage of a family now trying to watch her every move. I was honestly surprised they hadn’t found out who she was with by now.

  I looked up, staring at the inky night sky, wanting to count the hardly visible stars like I always did whenever I felt like too much was going on in my life. I started counting in my head, but Rose placed a hand on my cheek and put gentle force into getting my gaze back on hers. “Just give me time to talk to him, Roy. It’ll happen. He’ll drop it. Daddy is protective, yeah, but he also knows when he’s crossed the line with us. Sometimes seeing his kids unhappy hurts him. So give me time. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  Sighing, I looked away, and somehow, I ended up nodding. I didn’t like it, but I guess it was my only option. And if he still wouldn’t stop looking for the man messing around with his daughter, then I was just going to have to speak with him myself, no matter how much I were to end up shitting in my pants. This was the girl I loved. This was my life, and I was tired of having people ruin it. I was tired of having it demolished by people who didn’t want to see us happy together.

  “A week, Rose. If it takes longer than that, I’m coming to the mansion to compromise with your dad.” I grabbed her chin, forcing her to look into my eyes. “And I mean it. I have too much love for you to hide it.” Giving her a hard kiss on the lips, I pulled away and started toward the streets. She followed after me, quieter than before. As we met the sidewalk, I gave her a sweet kiss on the cheek, the forehead, and then the lips. I savored the kiss on her full lips. I wanted to drown in the taste of her. I wanted to kiss her forever, run back to the Tavern, and stroke my way inside her once again, but I had to break it before my thirty minutes ran out. “I can’t walk you, but I’ll call and check on you later.”

  “Kay,” she whispered as I pulled away and started walking backward.

  “I’ll see you in a week… maybe less?” It didn’t hurt to hope.

  “Yeah. I’ll call you sometime this weekend.” Her voice was weak, and she was no longer looking at me. I wanted to stay and hold her. I wanted to talk this shit out, but I didn’t have time. I had to get to Corey’s as soon as possible.

  “I love you, Rose!” I yelled as she turned.

  She glanced over her shoulder and gave me a forced smile. It wasn’t until I’d turned around and jogged halfway to Corey’s house that I realized she didn’t say it back. After making love in the Tavern and telling her over and over again how much she meant to me, how deeply in love I was with her, and how I never wanted to let this go, she didn’t say it back this time, the time when I really needed to hear it. It was as if the love between us shifted—that fast. Mine was still the same, only I was kind of confused. I was still glad about the big leap we took at the Tavern, but her… I just couldn’t pinpoint it. There was something she wasn’t telling me, and after I was done helping Cheek deliver, my plan was to call her first thing and figure out exactly what it was.

  I didn’t hear from Rose for three days, even when I told her I’d call. She didn’t answer the night after we left the Tavern, and it worried me, but I figured she was dealing with her dad because I overheard Corey talking to Cheek when I stopped by his place. He was telling his men to ease up now that Red Round had stopped their snooping.

  I got a call from Corey on the second day I was impatiently waiting for Rose to contact me. He told me Red Round had an order, and they wanted it on time. I had my suspicions about it since they were just hunting each of Corey’s men down, but figured they must’ve gotten on better terms. This was my chance to see Rose. I wasn’t about to pass that up. I missed her like hell.

  After picking up the crate of brown paper bags and dumping them in a backpack of mine, I hopped on the bus and made my way to Red’s mansion. I wasn’t as nervous as I was when I first went there. I had Rose on my mind, her flawless appeal, her smile, her grace… her love. I found myself smiling, and I shook my head. I couldn’t believe myself. I was a fool in love, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I had it all open and available for her. She could have my heart and me at any time. Any place. Anywhere.

  An old man sitting across from me with a worn-out white fedora, and an all grey suit smiled at me, shaking his head.

  “What?” I asked, laughing a little.

  The man chucked a laugh, gripping the silver pole in front of him tighter. “I know that look.”

  “What look?”

  “That look… like you’re in love.”

  I tilted my head, observing the man. He had a ring on his ring finger, a hint of friendliness in his eyes. He seemed like the gentlemen type, but I could tell he’d recently lost someone close and dear to him. He had a smidge of sadness in his dark eyes.

  “How do you know?” I asked after a few seconds of silence.

  “I see it. Smiling for no reason. No worries or cares in the world. Not worried about what’s going on around you, only about what you feel inside. Yeah,” he said, lifting a finger as if scolding me. “I’ve seen it on many young men your age. It makes me happy to know boys these days can still feel that way. This world is so corrupt now. All everyone ever worries about nowadays is whether he or she is better than the next person. And sometimes, the nicest people are damaged the most. They’re hurting the most. They get punished for being good… and I don’t get it. What happened to the good people winning? What happened to everyone taking each day, one day at a time? What happened to all of that?” The old man had gone completely off topic. He continued his rambling, and although he was switching from conversation to conversation, I couldn’t help dwelling on what he’d said. Why was it always the good people who had to be damaged the most? Why was it always the good people who had to struggle and hurt?

  My mind circled back to Mom. How much she was hurting and suffering. How she felt like she deserved the disease she had just because she was trying to keep a roof over her child’s head, just because my deadbeat father walked out of our lives. I still didn’t know where that motherfucker was. She blamed herself when he left. She didn’t feel like she was good enough. He cheated on her many times. He used her. Took the hard earned money she made when she actually had a job and spent it on liquor or at strip clubs. I used to watch it all, and whenever I would stand up to him, he would knock me right back down. He would knock us both down. Hit us with no mercy. He’d get drunker than a twenty-one year old in Vegas. He just didn’t care. Which made me wonder why I cared so much? Why I stepped up and decided to sacrifice my childhood and teenage years to make everyone happy?

  I didn’t know. I really had no fucking clue. I guess that was just me. I was never going to change that for as long as I lived. I cared way too much. Mom says it’s a good thing, but with the lifestyle I lived, it wasn’t. It was awful to have the trait of caring too much.

  A bell chimed, the bus came to a stop, and I realized I had reached my destinat
ion. To my surprise, the old man sitting across from me stood up and stepped off the bus behind me. “I bet you’re going to see her now, huh?” he mused.

  I fought a smile. “I’m hoping to.”

  The man nodded. “Cherish it. Love doesn’t last always.”

  I turned, and for some reason, his words got to me a little. As I reached the front gates of the mansion, though, his words meant nothing. All I could hear was my heart slamming against my ribcage as I looked at the wide, brick, two-story home. There weren’t any cars parked up front, which was a good thing. It meant not many men were around, but as I got closer, I spotted a pearly Mercedes Benz parked beneath a tall apple tree. The sun hovered above it, causing the rims to sparkle and the metal to shine. The car was sleek and spotless, sort of intimidating to look at considering I had no car whatsoever.

  Reaching the front door, I knocked three times and then took a step back. Footsteps started, and someone yelled, “I got it!” moments before the locks clinked and the door was yanked open.

  I was shocked to see Rocky answer the door this time instead of Rose. “Well, well, well,” he said, leaning against the doorframe. “Look who it is. One of Rose’s lovers.”

  I frowned. “I’m her only lover.”

  Rocky knocked his head back and laughed. “You think so?”

  Narrowing my eyes, I replied, “I know so.”

  Rocky laughed once more and licked his dry lips. “Come on in. I’ll go grab your money.”

  He stepped back and turned around, and I hesitated, taking a look inside before walking in and shutting the door behind me. The mansion was what I expected: decorative couches, high ceilings, painted walls, paintings of men (most likely Red Round’s previous bosses), and grey marble floors.

  “Roy, right?” Rocky glanced over his shoulder, meeting the entrance of what I assumed was the kitchen.

  “Yeah.” Two men were sitting in the living room, glaring at me as I walked by. I walked past them quickly.