Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  “Oh?” My tone was sarcastic. “You in his arms, him swinging you around, kissing you, telling you he loves you. You not calling me or seeing me for fucking DAYS!” I was furious now. I had all of these emotions bottled up within me and was letting it all out on her. She brought this upon herself. A few bystanders hurried away, but not without looking back to see what else I had to say. “You going out with him for pizza?” I continued. “God knows what else you did with him, Rose. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a fucking act.” I stormed past her, my footsteps pounding on the asphalt. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I refused to cry. I refused to give in. I was tired of crying over her. I fucking hated crying. Never in a million years did I think I’d be crying over a female. Never.

  “Roy, please!” she yelled. “I—I swear, Tommy and I aren’t what you think. Not anymore. I told him to leave. I told him I couldn’t do it with him anymore because I love you. I didn’t know how to tell him at first. It took me a while—and he was always over my shoulder, so I never had time to call or text you. He was always around. Yesterday, he got me so upset, and I just… I told him. I told him there was someone else who treated me way better than he ever did. He left this morning without a word. I told you to give me a few days because I didn’t want you getting hurt by him.”

  For some reason, I stopped walking. I didn’t know if she was lying or telling the truth. I couldn’t tell anymore. If she really loved Tommy, she wouldn’t have shown up to talk to me and tell me she chose me over him, right? I was being dumb, I know. But I was also confused. A confused fool in love.

  “Just hear me out, please,” she begged, tears skidding down her cheeks. She stepped toward me, and I kept my head up, feeling my bottom lip tremble. I had to fight the tremble. The tears. The pain. The hurt. “Roy, for the past eight months, I knew you were the one. I just knew. Before Tommy came back, I was ready to introduce you to Daddy. Now, I can’t—at least not yet— ‘cause he got in the way, and Daddy thinks we’re still together. I’ll have to talk to Daddy about that.” She sniffled, smiling a bit. “I thought about a future with you, and it was so, so bright. I can imagine so much more with you than I can, him.” She was only a step away from me. One more step and her chest would be pressing on mine. “Tommy is an asshole. Always has been, always will be. He came back because he heard from Rocky that I was seeing someone else. He didn’t want to believe it at first, but I finally admitted it. He was trying to win me back by coming here—”

  “Looks like he already did, Rose,” I muttered. A tear fell down my cheek, splattering on the pavement. “You were... happy with him.”

  “No!” She grabbed hold of my face, cupping it with both hands. “No, Roy. I don’t want him. I want you. I… I want you.”

  My vision was clouded with tears now. I shook and lowered my head, pulling away from her and walking toward the nearest bench of the bus stop. Dropping my face in my hands, I smeared the tears away and ran my fingers through my hair, tugging on the roots and growling through my teeth. “Let me ask you something, Rose,” I said, forcing myself to keep calm.

  “Anything, Roy,” she whispered, walking near me. She bent down between my legs and grabbed my hands, smiling a little.

  My face was stern. “Where is Tommy now?”

  Swallowing, she tore her gaze away and stared at our hands. “I don’t know. He left.”

  “Where?” I demanded.

  “I don’t know!”

  “How do you not know?”

  “I—because I don’t!”

  “Oh, you know.” I pulled away from her. I stood up, glaring down at her. “You know. Where the fuck were you two months ago? When you said you were doing ballet?”

  She was hesitant again. Not even looking at me anymore. “I went to Philadelphia to see him, Roy.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. I tried laughing, but it hurt my chest. I tried seeing through my tears, but I couldn’t. All the shit she was saying hurt so fucking much. “So you lied to me.”

  “No! I really went up there for ballet, but I also went to speak to Tommy. I told him we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I guess he got pissed and planned an early trip back here to see me and figure out what was up. But I know Rocky told him way before he came down here. He’s good friends with Tommy. He looks up to him a little, and Daddy thinks fondly of Tommy. He’s the accountant for Red Round.”

  “Does it look like I give a shit about any of that? Rocky’s the one who told me you talk to him behind my back. How you wish he were with you, but he can’t be. Since he’s gone, you probably want someone to lean on. To care for you like he can. I can’t be that guy, Rose. I thought what we had was real.” I shook my head, fisting my hair again. “Why’d you lead me on like that? I don’t think any guy—not even Tommy—can love you the way I do… the way I did.”

  “Did?” she repeated, gasping. Her tears were streaming, too. I wanted to comfort her. I still loved her—had love for her. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her to never to lie to me again, but it wasn’t that easy. I no longer trusted Rosemarie Beretta. I didn’t know the truth from the lies. I wanted to believe her. I wanted her more than anything else, but how could I want her when she’d been lying to me for months? I felt like I knew nothing about this girl now.

  “I have to go,” I muttered, turning around. I was going to catch a bus, but I couldn’t stand there anymore. I had to walk. I had to clear my head. I had to get away from her before I ended up falling for her deception again. I had to get away before I ended up doing something stupid.

  “Roy… you did? So you’re telling me, after spending that much time with me, you don’t love me anymore?” she asked, chasing after me. Why the fuck couldn’t she just leave me alone? I was giving her the opportunity to be with Tommy. It was obvious he was the one she wanted; she just couldn’t get on good terms with him like she could with me. I was easy to be with, and he was difficult. I could never figure out why girls loved being involved in difficult situations.

  “Rose.” Her name was all I could manage. I couldn’t think of much to tell her, but I went with my gut. “Rose, I will always love you, but right now, I just need time to think. I need to figure out if I can even trust you again. I love you, and I never wanted to lose you but… just give me some time. Right now, I really don’t know what to believe when it comes to you.”

  “Rocky lied.” Her voice was soft… weak.

  I shrugged. “How do I know that, Rose? What I saw in your backyard looked too real. Realer and better than anything we ever had together. It was like watching a fucking fairytale movie.”

  “He set you up, Roy. He wanted you to see me with Tommy. He doesn’t want you with me. He wants me with Tommy. Rocky is a selfish little shit.”

  “Funny, he said the same thing about you.” We stared at one another, the intensity growing by the second. “How can I compete with that?” I asked. “With someone with money? With power? With respect? With someone you’re in love with.”

  “There’s no need to compete when I want you. You’re the one I really want—the one I really fell for. The one I need.” She was choking up, hiccupping and weeping through her sentences.

  Pressing my lips, I tightened my grip around the strap of my guitar and shook my head. “Prove it then, Rose.” I turned and started walking again, and this time, I was glad she didn’t chase after me.

  Two days later and the boys and I were meeting up with Ben at a Hibachi buffet restaurant. Deed, Gage, and Montana stacked their plates high with all types of lo Mein, shrimp fried rice, dumplings, fried chicken, and some other stuff I didn’t really know the name of. I decided to pass. One: I didn’t have money to waste on eating out. Two: We were here for business. The restaurant was just for show, to have somewhere to be and to make us feel sort of important.

  “You’re not hungry?” Ben asked as the boys slid their plates to the side and went back for seconds.

  I shook my head.

  “You don’t talk much, huh?”


  “I talk enough.”

  “I see,” he sighed out. “I have a few bucks to spare if you’re really hungry. I can pay for you, but don’t think you’ll owe me anything in return.” He smiled. I shook my head. It was generous of him, but I didn’t want him paying for me. I was a man. Ben shrugged and sat back, his gesture saying, “Suit yourself.” The boys returned a few minutes later with even more food.

  “It’d be nice to get started now.” I stretched my eyes at them, creasing my brows.

  “Chill out.” Montana waved his hand in the air dismissively. “We have plenty of time to talk. Take the stick outta your boney ass.”

  Rolling my eyes, I leaned against my seat, staring at Ben. He nodded, folding his fingers on top of the table after taking a sip of his sweet tea. “So, I have a list of names,” he said, digging into the pocket of his dark skinny jeans. He placed a sheet of paper on top of the table, and the boys looked down at it, waiting on him to continue. “Okay, how about Nine Rounds?”

  Gage and Montana grimaced at each other. I laughed. “Hell no. What are we? Boxers? What else?” Montana urged, waving his fork with a mouth full of white rice.

  “Okay, let’s see… what about Nine Deep?”

  That one wasn’t bad, but the more I repeated it in my head, the more it made me want to vomit. “Fuck no!” Gage, Montana and Deed said, frowning.

  “I’ve been thinking about some too, though,” Deed said, dropping his fork to pick up his soda.

  “And…?” Ben urged, relief washing over his face.

  “Alright… don’t laugh,” Deed said, laughing at himself.

  “Spit it the fuck out.” Montana scowled, and Deed scowled back before looking down at his plate.

  “What do you all think of FireNine?”

  There was a brief silence around our table. Deed looked at each of us, nearly sinking into his shirt. His eyes widened, and finally, Montana broke the silence by clapping him on the shoulder. “Dude! That’s the realest shit I’ve ever heard!”

  “I agree,” I said.

  “Dude, Deed, I never thought you’d be the one with bright ideas, but that just might work. It’s catchy. FireNine,” Gage said, rolling it off his tongue. “Fire-fucking-Nine.”

  Laughing, Ben sat up straight and looked us all over. “Trust me when I say this,” he said, folding his fingers and leaning on the table. “FireNine will be one of the hottest bands of this generation. I know how it feels to want something so bad—to crave it. I’m on the same boat as you all. I have things I want back, people I want to leave behind, and people I want to bring up with me. I won’t let you boys down. That’s a guarantee. I’ll do all I can to get you what you deserve.”

  “That’s what I’m talking about!” Montana boomed. A few girls looked our way, giggling and batting their eyelashes at him. He winked and blew a tiny air kiss their way. More giggling. “Someone who’s down for us,” he said, returning his attention to Ben.

  “As long as you’re loyal to me, I’ll be loyal to you. I know a few men who can give us some cheap studio time just to start. We’ll work on a few hit songs, and I’ll try getting at least two of them on the local radio station as soon as possible. We’ll try and get a single going for you. This is the part where you boys figure out exactly what songs will make the charts. We need songs people will love… songs people will have stuck in their heads constantly.”

  “We can do that,” I said.

  Ben looked at me. “Good. Give me about a week to get in touch with a few people who can help get us started. I should have a gig for you within the next two weeks. While I’m doing that, make sure you all practice your asses off. No slacking off. I’ll be sure to stop by each and every day to make sure you sound better than the day before. We have to constantly make progress. No backtracking. In fact, put your numbers in my phone.” He slid his flip phone across the table. “If you want to be heard and respected, you can’t have any visible flaws. You have to maintain a professional image, one people won’t doubt.” He blew out a breath, smiling as Deed plugged his number in and gave the phone back. “Anyway… Excited?”

  “As hell,” Gage said, stuffing his mouth with a roll of bread. “We’re gonna make this happen. All of our dreams.”

  “And I don’t doubt a single word you say,” Ben said.

  And as he looked at all of us with hope-filled eyes, I realized this was it. This was going to be our chance. No days off for us from now. We were going to have to work hard. We were going to have to be the best we could be. I was excited, and although I had the weight of Rose on my mind, I knew with this happening for us I was going to be able to get rid of every thought of her…

  At least, that’s what I assumed.

  It didn’t help when Rose kept calling and leaving voicemails. She also texted me, begging me to talk to her. After a week or so, I knew she wasn’t going to leave me alone and the only way to get her to stop bothering me was to talk to her, let her know how I felt.

  But how did I feel exactly? I wasn’t quite sure. I still loved her. Shit, I loved her like I couldn’t love anyone else besides my family and friends. I thought about her day and night. Not a moment went by that she wasn’t heavy on my mind. Late at night, when Mom would be sleeping, I’d masturbate to the thought of her. Her long, creamy legs that were once bound around me, her full, pink lips that I could never get enough of. Her slender body that molded perfectly with mine. There was a point when I thought we were made for each other. We shared the same jokes, talked to one another about everything… but seeing her with Tommy made it seem like our relationship was amateur.

  I guess I should’ve taken it as a sign that she was still hurting when she said all the guys she dated were jackasses, including Tommy. But what did she expect when she dated the accountant of Red Round? He probably had plenty of other girls on his arms when he traveled. Rose was likely the least of his worries, which was why he never brought her along. It wasn’t about his job. It was about his life… his freedom. I knew. I knew exactly how it felt to want freedom, to do whatever the hell I wanted. It felt good, but when you have somebody better than all the girls you’ve slept with, you keep that. You hang onto it. Cherish it.

  And tonight, I knew I couldn’t hold off on her anymore. I did love her, after all. I was in love with her. I wanted every piece of her to belong to me. I was just fighting my feelings. I wanted to start over, make her mine and only mine all over again. I wanted to make it right. If we had to, we’d rebuild our trust. I’d get her to tell me everything. I wasn’t a loser. I could work this out. We could work this out. With all the calling and texting, maybe she was serious. I guess it was time for me to find out.

  Grabbing my phone, I scrolled down to Rose’s number and my thumb hovered over her name. If I were to call that meant it was time to make sacrifices. It was time to tell her everything. I could do that for her. For our love.

  The phone rang four times before Rose answered, sounding groggy. “Roy?” she croaked.

  “Yeah…” I whispered.

  “Roy, what time is it? What happened?”

  “Nothing happened,” I assured her, smiling a little. She still cared. Check. “I just wanted to talk… you know… about the other night?”

  She sighed, and there was rustling on her end. “What about it? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”

  “Oh, come on, Rose. Just… let’s drop it, okay? You know damn well I want everything to do with you… if that makes sense.”

  She laughed a little and then silence crept on the line. “Roy, I’m really sorry,” she finally said.

  “I know. I can tell by the dozens of voicemails and text messages.”

  Laughing, she said, “Just thought I’d make it clear for you. I do still care. I am sorry for what you saw and for not telling you the truth. I do love you and want you.” Still wants me? Check. Still loves me? Check.

  I couldn’t fight my smile. “I love you, too, Rose.”

  “Good. What do you say we meet up tomorrow
morning for some mochas?”

  “That sounds good. Coffee shop downtown?”

  “Yeah, and this time, I can pick you up. Daddy’s out of town again. No men watching,” she gloated.

  “Alright, but Rose,” I said, a draft of seriousness washing through me.

  “Yes?”

  “When we meet, I want you to tell me everything. No more lies. No more games. No more bullshit. You tell me everything I should know, and I’ll do the same. I also have some good news… well, sorta. But I’ll save that for last.”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  “Goodnight, Rose.”

  “Goodnight, Roy.”

  I hung up, my heart beating a mile a minute, a goofy smile plastered on my face. I couldn’t believe I did it… just like that. I thought there would be an argument of some sort, but she didn’t argue. When I told her she was going to have to tell me everything, I thought for sure she’d disagree, but she didn’t, which made it that much better. It meant she was serious about this. About us. Maybe Rocky did set me up.

  That night, I slept like a baby. No nightmares. No calls from my annoying as fuck boss or his sidekick. No cries or moans from Mom as she slept on the beat up sofa bed I got from Gage. Nothing. It was a peaceful night, and I enjoyed every second of it.

  Some minor chitchat, the hum of voices outside the window, and glasses clinking filled my eardrums as I waited for Rose. I checked my phone for the time. She wanted to meet at 10 A.M. It was 10:08, and she still wasn’t here. Maybe I was overreacting. I don’t know. I just knew showing up late wasn’t a great way to start our new terms. Instead of having her pick me up, I told her I would meet her since I had to pick up Mom’s prescription downtown at 8:30 anyway. Rose offered to take me, but I didn’t want her to rush. She wasn’t even dressed. Plus, I needed the walk. It felt nice to clear my head.

  Drumming my fingers on the table, I took another look out the window, hoping to see her silver BMW roll past and pull into the parking lot. To pass up time, I snatched one of the napkins out of the napkin holder, whipped out a pen, and started writing a list of the band’s songs that could be hits for the radio. There was one song in particular that was catchy yet packed with so much emotion. Gage wrote it, and I helped fill in the minor details, but I thought it was perfect. It described each of us to a T.