Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  As if I’m not already bothered, Monica (who’s now my boss) walks into my office, smiling broadly. “Tell me you finished that project,” she says, clomping toward me in white stilettos. Monica looks much more professional ever since she got the job as manager of Organizer of Arts.

  “I did. I wrapped it all up last night,” I say, handing her the red folder.

  “Good. Frank has been on my ass about it.”

  “Tell him not to worry. We always finish on time.” I sit back in my chair.

  “I know. But… I have one more favor to ask you,” she says, wincing a bit.

  I press my lips and blink, giving her a sarcastic look. “Yes?”

  “I have one last project that has to be completed… but you actually have to pick up the products. The band has some world tour coming up soon, and Frank wants all the logos, banners, bus and jet designs, and the merchandise completed by next week.

  “Okay,” I breathe out. “I need to get out and clear my head a little anyway. Where exactly am I picking this stuff up at?”

  “It’s an office on Broadway called Linking’s. There’s a guy named Bill who will give you what you need. Just tell him you’re there for me and the final FireNine products.”

  “Got it.” I pick up my purse and sling it across my shoulders.

  “Thanks, Kelsey. You’re a lifesaver. You just don’t know it yet—oh, by the way, I read Roy’s article… can you say WOW and WHAT THE LIVING FUCK?”

  “I know, right? He shocked me a little. I haven’t read it yet, but it seems everyone else has.”

  “Well, yeah. Who wouldn’t want to know about him? He never speaks… and, no offence, but that shit really creeps me out. A hot guy that never talks… weird.”

  “He has his reasons,” I say, heading for the door.

  “Yeah.” Monica follows me out. “It was really cute… what he said about finding you and believing in love again.” She smiles, capping my shoulders. “He seems like a keeper. I hope he doesn’t try and pull some crazy shit, though.”

  “God, I hope not,” I say nervously, tucking my hair behind my ears. “I’ll see you when I get back. Want anything while I’m out?”

  “Uh… yeah, get me some coffee or an energy drink or something. I’ll take anything with a boost right now.”

  Nodding, I turn around and hurry to the elevator. I feel a heavy gaze sweeping my backside, and I frown, glancing over my shoulder. Jace is standing in front of the break room, a coffeecake in hand. Taking a bite, he watches me like a hawk ready to capture its prey.

  I snatch my gaze away and hurry for the elevator. Ugh. When will he get the point?

  After picking up the products and supplies from Linking’s and stuffing them in the backseat of my car, I head to the coffee shop. I need it after the weekend I’ve had. If I want to stay focused and energized throughout the rest of my day, it’s a must to devour coffee. While searching the fridge in the coffee shop, I take out two energy drinks. As I place them on the counter, the cashier narrows his eyes at me, and I shrug, pulling out my wallet. I order coffees for Monica and me, and after paying, I scoop up my items and hurry out the door.

  I rush across the street in the high heels I love to hate. Dressing up was never my thing before, and now, I remember why. Yes, it feels nice to look good and feel confident, but it doesn’t feel nice rushing across the street in pointy stilettos while cars beep constantly for you to get the hell out of their way. You can only run so fast in heels. Actually, I should master that one.

  Flustered, I hurry down the sidewalk, ready to bask in the heat of my car. Tightening my grip around the collar of my grey pea coat, I make the turn for the next block and whip out my keys. As I look up, though, I begin to slow down.

  A smile smothers my lips as I spot Roy standing in front of some fancy restaurant. He’s dressed in all black (as usual), but his hair is wavy, proving he most likely took a shower before reaching his destination. He’s looking around, and there are moments when he checks his phone.

  My smile continues as I start to walk toward him, but in no time, my smile evaporates. A girl rushes up to him, and I stop in my tracks, staring like a deer stuck in headlights. I’m… confused.

  The girl stands on her toes and wraps her arms around his neck, and somehow, a part of me shrivels away. I swallow to block the dryness in my throat. I can feel my bottom lip trembling… my palms getting sweaty. I don’t even realize I’ve dropped the bag in my hand or the cup holder containing the coffee until I’m storming towards him.

  My eyebrows are furrowed, fists clenched tight around my keys. The sharp metal of my keys is digging into my hand, but I don’t even realize it. I can’t seem to focus on anything but my boyfriend walking into some restaurant with this blonde beauty.

  But then I understand something…

  I’m not the type of girl to just burst through doors and blast anyone. I find shit out, and I deal with it by moving on… at least that’s how I used to be. Love can make you do some crazy shit, and being in love makes the crazy shit worse.

  Panting, I look down at my coffee stained shoes and tights. I then look up, blinking rapidly… confused all over again. I look past the pedestrians and through the window. He’s sitting right across from her. She’s laughing, smiling… he’s… smiling, too. And it’s not his normal lazy smile… it’s bashful, like he’s been looking forward to smiling like that all day.

  “No,” I whisper. “God, no. Not you, too, Roy.”

  I squeeze my hands tight, debating on what to do. I realize I can’t let my emotions get the best of me, so I hurry away from the restaurant and dash around Linking’s building to get to my car. I hop in and slam the door behind me. Clutching the wheel, I shut my eyes, resting my forehead on the back of my hands.

  He can’t be serious. They can’t be serious. After all he told me—how he loved me and couldn’t believe anyone had ever left me behind—he was doing the same. He’s treating me just like Rick… like I don’t have feelings. Like I don’t exist.

  I swallow the brick in my throat and fight the emotion. Hot tears start to blind me, but I shake my head and close my eyelids. “No,” I whisper. This has to be a misunderstanding. Maybe he’s working with her on something. Maybe she’s some singer who wants to collaborate with him. But if that’s the case, why didn’t he tell me anything about her? Why didn’t he tell me he was meeting this girl? I want to believe Roy would never do this to me… not after all we’ve been through. Not after a year of sharing secrets with one another, caring for one another, and hanging out almost every day. We can’t be over yet.

  I think back to what Jace said in the elevator, and I hate him for it. I hate him because he was right about Roy. Telling his story was only the beginning. Once he realized he could do that, maybe he realized he could do anything. Maybe he realized he could open himself up and be what he used to be… carefree. Lively.

  What sucks is the old Roy Sykes has nothing to do with me. Nothing.

  And it hurts to know. Bad.

  Roy

  I’d made it up in my mind over the weekend that I would play nice with Rose. I was the bigger person. I always would be when it came down to her and me. I had to remember that. I wasn’t even sure what made me even consider being kind. I should want her to know that I really don’t want to be here, right? What sucks even more is, for some reason, I’ve been looking forward to seeing her ever since Friday.

  And I hate that I have.

  A part of me knows it’s because I never officially got over her, or maybe it’s because I have a lot to say to her that I didn’t get to say seven years ago. I’m still upset with her, yes, but does my heart still care for her...?

  Sadly, yes.

  As soon as our food arrives, Rose digs right in. I can’t help but watch her. Something about her has changed, and I’d honestly like to know what it is. “You seem a lot… happier,” I say.

  She looks up, taking the next bite of her creamy mushroom slowly. After chewing and swallowing,
she picks up a napkin to wipe her mouth. “To be honest, I am,” she says.

  “Why?”

  “Well, for starters, I’m done with Red Round. I’m no longer associated with them or any of the ruckuses they cause. Also, I was officially divorced from Tommy last week. Coming to New York was for celebration. My cousin, Annabelle—the girl who’s party your band performed for last weekend—invited me to her birthday bash since I was going to be in town. I’m actually staying with her and her mom at the moment—until I get settled with an apartment or something. I was a little iffy about attending since it was going to be a bunch of mindless girls and boys looking for a good time, but when I heard her say FireNine was performing and there’d be drinks, I kind of… got excited.” She smiles coyly.

  “Excited?” I scoff. “About what?”

  “About seeing you… being reunited. Getting to talk to you again and getting to see you in person,” she says, her face getting more serious by the second. “Roy, you have no idea how awful I feel about how things left off with us. No idea. While I was with Tommy, I spent every day wondering if I made the right choice. As you can see, though, I didn’t because we’re now divorced, and I want nothing to do with him.”

  I keep my mouth shut and look away. I want to know why it didn’t work out with Tommy and why she isn’t dealing with Red Round anymore, but I keep silent.

  “Look, I understand why you’re mad. I get it. I betrayed you. I should’ve been there for you to come back to, but I wasn’t. I blew it by being with someone who didn’t even appreciate me. But I was so young… so… out of it. I wasn’t sure what I wanted other than Tommy because I loved him. He was my first love, and he convinced me that he was the only one who could really love me and understand me since we grew up together.”

  I shrug. “I just got the feeling you never loved me after seeing you with him that night,” I mutter.

  “No, Roy, I did love you. A lot.”

  “But… you weren’t in love with me like you were with Tommy.”

  She sucks in her lower lip, her gaze drifting. “Well, no… but I thought I was at a certain point of our relationship... when I first met you and you spent nearly every day with me.”

  “Yeah. Whatever.” I roll my eyes and pick up a breadstick. “I’m sorry to tell you, Rose, but you wasted your time meeting me. Nothing is going to change. Whether you apologize or not, I’m still going to feel the same way about you. It’s kinda too late to be apologizing anyway, don’t you think? Seven years… what the hell?” I grumble the last part, more to myself than to her.

  “No, I don’t think that. I treated you wrong, and I deserve punishment for that, but I know you, Roy. You can’t possibly hate me, no matter how you felt about me lying to you. To hate isn’t within you, not unless someone does something as awful as Corey did to you.”

  I narrow my eyes. “Don’t even bring him up.”

  “It’s actually best to. See, I promised Rocky I would tell you what he did with Corey.”

  Blinking quickly, I sit up and lean over the table. “I don’t wanna know. I don’t give a fuck about Corey. That’s the past.”

  “He got rid of Corey and Cheek for you,” she continues, staring at my lips.

  I snatch my gaze away and stare down at my spaghetti. I was always curious about what Rocky did to them. They just sort of… disappeared after the night they forced me into sniffing coke and during the process of me trying to recoup from it. Fuck, those were hard times.

  Meeting Rose’s eyes again, I sigh and lean against my seat. “What… exactly did he do?” I’m hesitant. Do I really, really want to know?

  Fuck yes.

  “It’s not as bad as you think,” she says, as if enthusiastic about it. “He told a few men of Red Round that were still in town to raid Corey’s house the next day. They told all of Corey’s men and workers to leave and to never come back, but they took Corey and Cheek with them.”

  “Where?” I demanded.

  Rose grins, but I frown. “The Tavern.”

  “What?” I hiss. I start to stand, but she grabs my hand and shakes her head.

  “They took Corey and Cheek there. Rocky asked me, and I didn’t know where else he could take them besides our house. I didn’t want them at our place, and I damn sure didn’t want Rocky getting caught, so I told him about the Tavern. I knew you and your band weren’t going to go there anymore after meeting your manager, and I knew no one would come looking at an abandoned warehouse. Besides, they cleaned up after themselves. The place is clean of blood, hair… everything. I know. I went back and dared myself to check the place out.” She sighs, tightening her grip around my hand.

  “Rocky gave them a chance to live. He wanted them to promise to never fuck with you again, and if they agreed, they could keep their money and their lives. All they had to do was keep paying you the money you needed to make a living without you working for them anymore. They refused to comply. They told Rocky and the men who helped him to go to hell and to fuck themselves. Rocky got pissed and was tired of wasting time on them, so he had them both shot in the head.”

  “What? And that’s not that bad?” I ask. I’m surprised… I’m shocked. It’s not like I didn’t see that one coming, though.

  “Not at all. Compared to the shit my dad does to men who fuck him over, Rocky was letting them off easy. He didn’t torture them or anything. He was giving them a chance to get back on their feet again. My dad would’ve beat the living shit out of them, tied them to cars and drug their bodies along rocky roads, or maybe get two cars and tell the drivers to drive in opposite directions to rip their bodies in half.”

  “Shit.” I grimace. I can’t help but stare at her, as if she was the one who came up with the ideas of how to torture and kill people. “Why did Rocky want me to know what happened to them?”

  “Because he wants you to know that he tried to get them to respect you again. He knew you wouldn’t have liked for them to just… die because of you, so he gave them a chance… for you. To be honest, Rocky actually ended up liking you as a person… a little. He didn’t know much about you, but he could tell you didn’t deserve any of the shit Corey or Cheek did to you. Anyone on this God green earth can tell you have a heart made of gold.”

  “Yeah… before I got my heart shattered and lost my mom,” I mumbled.

  “Doesn’t matter,” she says, smiling. “I know you have a good heart, Roy.”

  Pressing my lips, I look up at her. Her eyes are watery, her pink lips spread into a broad smile. Things are starting to get warmer, and the longer I stay here, the more I’ll probably be falling into this little hole she’s dug for me. “I should get outta here. I was supposed to be practicing today, not meeting you.”

  As I start to stand, Rose stands with me and captures my arm before I can toss on my leather jacket. “Roy, wait…” She releases my arm and steps back. “My aunt is cooking tonight… and Annabelle wanted me to invite you over for dinner. I told her I was meeting you today.”

  “Well, you have to tell them I can’t make it. I’m sorry.”

  “Roy, please,” she begs. “I don’t want Anna to think I’m a liar. She’s a really big fan of you and your band. I think she deserves to get to know at least one of the boys personally since the band didn’t have time to stick around after they finished performing at her party. She was bummed about that, by the way, but I told her you’re my favorite and I would try to get you to come over... for her.” She forces a smile with hopeful, pleading eyes.

  Sighing, I slide my arms into my jacket, taking my eyes off of hers. I know I shouldn’t, but what harm could it be? Kelsey is working late tonight anyway. “I’m only staying for dinner, Rose. No dessert. No wine. No movie watching. Nothing. Just dinner… and for my little fan Annabelle. This has nothing to do with you.”

  “Yes, of course!” she says, ecstatic. “Just for Anna.”

  I pick up a napkin and hand it to her. “You have a pen?”

  “Yeah.” She digs through her purse u
ntil she finally pulls out a pink pen.

  “Write the address. I’ll meet you at your aunt’s place.

  Great,” she says while writing the address on the napkin. “Dinner should be ready by seven. I’ll see you then?”

  I stuff the napkin in my pocket and take out my keys. “Sure, Rose. See you then.” I leave before she can say anything else. The longer I’m around her, the more I start to remember why she was so addicting… why I loved her fragrance, her smile. I can’t hate her. She was right about that. It just isn’t in my blood. Even though my dad was a deadbeat who abused my mom and me, I still didn’t hate him. Why? Because it isn’t within me. Mom didn’t raise me to be a hater. He was still my father, and I remember the good in him more than the bad.

  As I walk away from the restaurant and around the building, I have this guilty, annoying feeling within me. I know this is wrong. I know what Rose is trying to pull. She’s trying to get on my good side again. She’s trying to get me to remember what we had, and the truth is… I don’t know whether it’s working or not.

  And that’s bad. Not only for me, but for the sake of my relationship with Kelsey. I know I should tell her what’s happening with me and who I’m with. She’ll be pissed, but I have to. She’s my number one lady now, and I refuse to disappoint her. It’s just… all of these memories are coming back to me. All of the good times I used to have.

  Damn it.

  I hop into the car, whipping out my phone. I dial Kells’s number, and it rings, but I’m sent to voicemail. I call again… and again… and one last time. Still no answer. I know she’s at work, but there isn’t a time she doesn’t answer my calls, unless she’s in a meeting. Maybe that’s what keeping her from picking up. A meeting.