I ignored her as I slid my shoes onto my feet. Mena kept the pillow over her head and snuggled up under the thin, white blanket. I folded Janine’s blanket and laid it neatly on top of mine. I walked past Mena to get out of the door. As I walked out, I passed Ms. Mosley. She was coming back into our room to make sure we were up. As I got down to the double doors that led to the main unit, I could hear Ms. Mosley nagging at Mena to get out of the bed. I could picture Mena’s angry face all scrunched up and her evil eyes rolling as she tensed up under Ms. Mosley’s stern morning breath and intimidating motherly scold.
I smiled at the thought.
Geoffrey smiled at me. I realized I was on the unit and unintentionally looking his way. He was checking vital signs on the patients. He must have thought that I was smiling at him. But he didn’t greet me as he normally did. He shooed the other kid who was sitting in the chair away when he was finished, and I took the empty seat. Geoffrey began checking my blood pressure. I stayed silent, but I kept the smile on my face.
When Geoffrey was finished checking my vital signs, I went over and sat down at an empty table. Other patients started filling the room. Mena walked in, sleepy-eyed. She got in line to get her vitals checked.
For some reason I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was something different about her. She didn’t have the same evil look that she seemed to have had permanently engraved on her face. She seemed calm and almost humbled. When she was finished with her vitals, she looked over at me. She started heading my way, as if she was going to sit at the table with me, but Tai cut her off, sitting down at the table with me instead. Mena walked the opposite way and sat down in a chair near the corner of the room by herself.
Tai smiled at me wearily. “Morning, sunshine,” she said in a flat tone.
“Good morning,” I said with just as much excitement.
“Are you ready for another day in hell?”
I shook my head and leaned back in the chair.
“Did you hear about Rocky?” Tai leaned back too. Then she rolled up a piece of paper and stuck it in her mouth. She sucked on it as if it was a cigarette.
I looked at her strangely. “What are you doing?”
“Hey! Give me a break,” she pleaded. “I asked you a question. Did you hear about Rocky?”
I shook my head. My body felt numb all of a sudden. I couldn’t move until she told me and relieved my mind. I was expecting what was coming next, but I was sure I was wrong. I had to be wrong.
“He’s dead,” she assured me. She spit the piece of paper out of her mouth onto the table. Then she lay her head down on her arms as they lay folded across the table.
My head felt stuffy. The numbness seeped in.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“Please,” Tai scoffed. “I hear these people talk in here all the time. The only thing is, Dr. Pelchat doesn’t know. He doesn’t know because no one wants to call him and tell him. They probably won’t tell him until he comes in to work. I wonder if we’ll get another group speech, or if he and Ms. Mosley will get into a real boxing match.” She seemed a little too excited at the thought.
I tried to move my fingers. I tried to move my head. Nothing wanted to work. Nothing felt real on my body. Everyone seemed too normal for this to be true. When Ms. Mosley came in to help me clean up, she seemed like everything was fine. She didn’t behave as though a former patient had just died. Geoffrey was smiling. He seemed all right.
I scanned the room with my eyes. This time I tried to look closer. Geoffrey was smiling, but he wasn’t talking to anyone. Usually he made jokes or tried to make conversation while checking vitals. Ms. Mosley seemed like her usual self, but she wasn’t saying much, either. Except when Ms. Mosley and I had been alone in the bathroom, when I had asked her those questions, she had seemed to be more concerned. She'd pressed me so hard to talk to her and to tell her what was wrong. When I had told her, she'd seemed determined to get me to understand how I needed to be a survivor.
“Oh, that’s cool!” Tai exclaimed. “You got your bandages off! Oh, yeah! You really cut yourself!” She was too amused.
I hid my arms under the table. I ignored her. “Does anyone else know about Rocky besides the counselors?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I overheard Ms. Mosley talking to Geoffrey a few hours ago when I was going to the water fountain to get a drink. They were the only ones I heard talking about it. You’re the only one I’ve told besides Jesse, over there. Jesse told me that he didn’t like Rocky anyway. I didn’t either, but still, he shouldn’t have died. That sucks.”
“Time for Group!” Dr. Finch came through the main unit doors that led to freedom. “Let’s just go ahead and circle up in the living room there. Come on, everyone!” Dr. Finch seemed like his normal self.
As everyone began to gather around the circle, I noticed that there seemed to be more people here than before Daniel had left. I sat down when I got to the circle. When everyone was settled, Dr. Finch began as he normally did in Morning Group. He noticed that there were new faces, and said that we’d introduce ourselves and go over goals. I was hoping he wouldn’t call on me first. I was still trying to figure out if what Tai had said about Rocky was true. It couldn’t have been. My mind was completely consumed with it.
“Kristen?” Dr. Finch called out to me.
I looked up, startled. I shuddered when I saw that all eyes were on me.
“Yes?” I answered, a bit confused.
“It’s your turn,” Tai told me.
I heard a few people laugh at me. I must have been the first person to speak. Dr. Finch always went first, but everyone knew that he didn’t really count.
I took a deep breath and tried to gather my thoughts. Don’t think about Rocky! Don’t think about death! I kept trying to tell myself this.
“I’m Kristen,” I said.
Then I paused. Mena was staring right at me. Her eyes were completely blank. I looked away from her.
“I’m seventeen,” I said. I swallowed. My birthday is in a few weeks, I thought to myself. No. That’s not right, I told myself. Wait. I’m in Group. Think, Kristen, think. But I couldn’t think. “I’m seventeen.”
“Yeah! You already said that,” said another patient whom I had never seen before. Others began to laugh at me. Even Tai laughed.
Dr. Finch put his hand up. “Quiet!” he said.
The room fell to a hush.
“Kristen,” Dr. Finch said. “Are you all right?”
I should have said yes and moved on, but my mind wouldn’t let me. I was feeling too much all at once, and I couldn’t get control. My head felt like it was full of helium and the only things weighing it down were my eyeballs. My eyes felt like they weighed a ton. I shook my head and touched my temples.
“My head is hurting really bad,” I told Dr. Finch.
“Do you need to see the nurse?”
“Yes, I think so,” I told him.
“Go ahead,” he said.
As I walked away from the circle, I watched Tai’s jaw drop. She rolled her eyes coldly at me and looked away. She was upset because I was leaving. Maybe she thought I was faking my headache. Mena’s eyes followed me out of the sitting area. But there was still no real expression on her face. She was just blank.
I exited the sitting area and went over to the nurse’s station that was near the counselor’s desk. I approached the nurse who was busy gathering medication and getting the pills ready for morning medication. I told her I had a bad headache. She looked at my chart to make sure the doctor didn’t order that I not have pain killers. She put my chart down, gathered up two little blue pills, and put them in a cup. Then she brought me a cup of water.
“That’s Aleve,” she said. “That should help your headache.”
I swallowed the Aleve and the water down quickly. When I was finished, she took my garbage and threw it away. I thanked her. As I started to walk away, Geoffrey looked up at me from behind the counselor’s desk. He was on the telephone. He waved to
me to come to him. I walked over.
“Kristen,” he said. “I don’t normally do this, because phone calls are limited to a certain time. But since you are here, I will let you take this call if you want.”
I was frustrated because of my headache. Geoffrey seemed to be talking too loudly. I was confused as to who could be calling me. Then I remembered Mom had said that Lexus had wanted to call me. Geoffrey stretched his arm out to me with the phone in his hand. I took a deep breath as I took the phone from him.
“Keep it short, please,” he said. “Dr. Pelchat will be here soon.”
I had to take the phone call. The phone was already in my hand.
“Hello,” I greeted into the phone.
“Kristen!” a familiar, sweet voice exclaimed.
“Lexus,” I said.
Her voice was completely calm and sweet. It didn’t sound like morning where she was. “How are you?”
I tried to smile, but there was too much going on inside of my head. I coughed a little.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “So, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I just wanted to hear your voice.” Her voice was sincere. Did she miss me? I didn’t want to allow myself to think that. “We miss you,” she continued. “I tried to call you before, but they said that you couldn’t receive calls yet. I guess I called when you were at lunch or something. I want to come see you again, but everything has been so crazy. But I will try to come see you tomorrow. I have some time off.”
I smiled. I said in a low voice, “I miss you.” It was almost a whisper.
I saw Geoffrey look at me. He tapped his index finger on his watch and nodded at the door to remind me of Dr. Pelchat coming in at any moment. I tried to stay focused on Lexus. She loved me. She really did miss me.
“Do you really miss me, Lexus?” I asked her.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I miss you.”
I closed my eyes and let myself feel her words. I kept letting them play in my mind exactly the way she'd said it. My eyes began to water. I heard a voice in the background on Lexus’ end.
Her voice was louder when she said, “We all miss you!” She seemed a little too eager and over-dramatic when she spoke. “Yes, we all miss you over here.” I could just picture her. She was smiling, playing with her hair, and she was doing what she always did when someone else was watching her. She was putting on a show.
I clenched my jaws. My thoughts were ruined. She wasn’t for real. A sharp pain went through my chest.
“Kristen!” Geoffrey frantically called out to me.
I looked over at him.
“Kristen, give me the phone! Now!” He reached out for it.
I looked at the door, and Dr. Pelchat was coming in. He was putting his key in the door.
Lexus continued, “John is here. He wants to...”
I quickly handed Geoffrey the phone. He hung it up just in time. Dr. Pelchat entered and he closed the door behind him. I could already see in his face that he had to know about Rocky. He was the only one in here who looked affected, except for me. I was obviously not okay. His face was red, his shoulders were slumped, and he didn’t smile. He didn’t greet Geoffrey or any of us. Geoffrey tried to approach him, but he just put his hand up. Geoffrey shut his mouth, and then Dr. Pelchat grabbed a chart and walked away.
Geoffrey told me to go back to my group. When I returned, Morning Group was letting out to take morning medication, and then go to breakfast. Tai ran up to me.
She asked, “Do you think they will tell us?”
I didn’t want to disappoint her. I shrugged, unsure. She walked on ahead of me and didn’t say anything more. Mena pushed past me. When she got ahead, she looked back at me. It was a long and hard stare. What did she want to say? I hated her eyes. When she saw that I wasn’t going to say anything to her, she turned away from me and kept walking forward.
I didn’t have anything to say. I felt completely lost at that moment. I looked down at my wrists. If Rocky really was dead, why had he died later on? Could they not have saved him? Had he tried to kill himself again after getting better?
I didn’t really understand what had happened. Dr. Pelchat had every reason to be upset. He probably didn’t want us to know about it, because he thought that we’d get ideas from Rocky’s behavior. Maybe he thought we’d try to get away with it ourselves while we were in Bent Creek, or even when we got out. We were supposed to be protected. He’d told us that suicide was not an option.
Dr. Pelchat hadn’t protected Rocky. Rocky hadn’t wanted to be protected. Maybe he hadn’t thought that he could be protected from what had been going on inside of himself. We didn’t feel protected. I didn’t feel like I could be protected. Not from everything that had happened and what was going to happen. Maybe that’s how Rocky had felt, I thought to myself. Most of us would end up envying Rocky.
As the day went on, everything just seemed too normal. I hadn’t seen Dr. Pelchat yet for my session. I hadn’t seen him since the morning when he had come through the doors to our ward. Knowing what we knew made things seem a little too normal. Tai said that she could tell in our group meetings that the counselors were worried, and were trying to be calm.
Finally, after lunch, Dr. Bent called us into Anger Management. The only people I recognized in my group were Tai and Mena. There were only nine of us. I sat on the end seat, far away from Mena. Dr. Bent let everyone introduce themselves with just first names. We didn’t go through the regular routine of stating our name, age, and reason for being at Bent Creek. Mena still didn’t seem like herself. She was quiet and distant, and she didn’t have any expression on her face.
When it was her turn to speak, she wearily told everyone her name, and it passed on. I was the last one to speak.
Dr. Bent leaned forward in her seat. She began to explain what AngerManagement was about, and what we were going to discuss. Mena unexpectedly raised her hand, as if she had something to say. Dr. Bent looked shocked.
She said, “Yes, Mena? Do you have a question?”
Mena stared down at her fingernails.
“Yes?” Dr. Bent pressed.
Mena raised her eyes with her head still low, giving her an intimidating look. She looked angry. She took a deep breath and looked back down at her fingernails. They looked clean, but she picked at them as if they were dirty. Finally, she opened her mouth to speak.
“Is it true?” Mena asked.
Dr. Bent shook her head. “I’m sorry. Is what true?”
“You know what I’m talking about,” Mena growled.
Now she was looking straight into Dr. Bent’s eyes. Her jaws were tight and her fists were clenched.
“You’ll have to tell me what it is you are talking about,” Dr. Bent told her.
“Fine,” Mena said. “You want to do it this way?” She was getting upset, but she seemed to be trying to stay calm.
“Mena, please calm down,” said Dr. Bent. “Listen to me. Maybe you should wait to talk to your doctor if it’s something that is making you this upset.”
“This is Anger Management, isn’t it?” Mena yelled. I could sense that she was going to lose her temper. “Is Rocky dead?”
Dr. Bent closed her eyes. She nodded her head. “I’m not going to lie to you. He did suffer with some complications, and he passed away yesterday morning.”
Everyone in the room gasped except Tai, Mena, Dr. Bent, and me. We were the only ones in the room who had actually known who Rocky was. Dr. Bent kept on speaking. She went on about sadness, grief, anger. She told us that we needed to learn how to cope with death because it was a part of life. Her words did not seem to be getting through, because Rocky was young like us. He wasn’t supposed to be dead. Not yet.
As Dr. Bent went on, I watched Mena’s face turn red. She bit down on her bottom lip and she shuffled her body around. She looked like she was holding something inside and was trying her best to keep it inside of her. It seemed almost like it was go
ing to burst out of her.
“Today,” Dr. Bent said, “we will talk about how to cope with suicide. When someone you know, like a close friend, commits suicide, we need to know how to cope with it.”
“How?” Mena screamed. “How do you people sit here and say these stupid things? You don’t know us! You don’t even care about us! You think that you know everything! He had a life! A life! And he saw beyond what any of you blind-folded idiots could ever see! It was the truth, and you made him feel like he was crazy! That’s why he did it! That’s why he got away. He’s freer than all of you! And you know it! Tell the truth! I hate you! I hate all of you!”
At that point, it was obvious that Dr. Bent had enough of Mena. She pointed towards the door and said, “Mena, get out.”
“Fine!” Mena said as she stormed towards the door. When she exited, she slammed the door behind her.
Dr. Bent called Geoffrey on the telephone. She told him what had happened and asked him to meet Mena on the unit and to deal with her. I had a feeling it meant that Mena was going to the BCR.
“Are you okay?” Tai asked Dr. Bent.
Dr. Bent nodded. “Yes. Thank you,” she said to Tai.
Dr. Bent looked angry, but she remained calm. She shook herself off calmly and said, “We have something effective to talk about. We are going to talk about this.”
We stayed silent. I was shocked. By the looks of everyone else, it seemed as though they didn’t expect her to want to talk about it, either.
“We have to finish talking about this and how we deal with situations like this,” she said as tears began to fall from her eyes. Her voice remained calm and vigorous. “I hope that you know, without a doubt, that we are here to help you. We will always do our best as long as you are in our care. You have someone to talk to here, and you have people who really do care about you. We will do our best to guide you and show you the right way to cope and contend with life. Everything you go through and everything that you feel affects your life. This is your life! You only have one. No matter what you suffer with, every day that you wake up, and every minute that you are breathing air, is another chance for you to make the choice to do what is right to help yourself. We can only do so much. We can only take you by the hand and show you, but you have to let go and move on your own towards making the right choices.”
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