“Don’t you worry,” Dr. Mitsen said. “They will scar over and heal in due time.”
I knew he was right, but the way they would scar over would be thick and too obvious. I’ll have to wear long sleeves forever, I thought.
After the doctor’s appointment, Mom and I were back in the car together. She drove as I sat on the passenger side, trying not to look at her. I wished Alison and Nick were in the car with us. They were having fun at the local recreation center, doing summer camp activities. At least they were enjoying their youth. I was struggling through mine.
Mom sensed something through my silence. I could tell she was frustrated. She could tell there was something bothering me. She started sweet, like she used to do. Then it would turn into her yelling and end with me feeling like a troublesome burden.
“It’s really nice to have a day off,” she said.
I didn’t respond.
“Did you know, while you were in the hospital, I was working almost seventy hours a week? You plan on going back to work soon?”
I nodded.
“When?” she asked.
“I talked to my boss yesterday. She said I can come back to work on Monday,” I responded.
“That’s nice,” Mom said. “At least they don’t know why you were in the hospital. She probably would have fired you.”
I looked down at my arms. I tried not to let her get to me, but the scars on my arms and wrists only made me feel worse.
“What’s wrong with you now?”
“Nothing,” I lied.
“Kristen, don’t start. Remember, this is how it started last time. We were in the car coming home, and I asked you what was wrong, and you told me that it was nothing. I didn’t say anything and I let you get away with it. When we got home, you went down to your room and shut your door. Then the next thing I know, your little brother finds you in your bed with your wrists cut up.”
“Thanks for the replay, Mom,” I said.
She pulled into our driveway. When she put the car in park, she reached her arm over and slapped me across my face. She slapped me so hard that I thought I saw stars.
I rubbed my cheek, as it stung in pain.
“Don’t dare act like you are the only one in pain! Do you know what that did to us, Kristen? Do you even know what you did to us?”
“Yes! I know! I’m sorry! Okay? I’m sorry! I know that I did something terrible, Mom. I admit that, and I don’t want to do that to you again. I can’t take it back, but I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” she said with tears in her eyes.
“The letter.”
Mom got out of the car as soon as she heard my answer.
I quickly followed behind her.
She opened the front door, and we both entered the house. Mom threw herself down on the couch and I sat down next to her.
“Mom, are you going to the hearing?”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now, Kristen.”
“When are we going to talk about it? It’s getting close. You have to tell me, because I can’t sit here and live in this fear that you’re going to give in and go and possibly...” my voice trailed off as I could only think of what I was afraid of instead of put them into words.
“What is it?” Mom asked. “You think I’m going to try to help get Jack out of prison? You think I’m so lonely and desperate that I would want that man who hurt my own child to come back into our lives? Is that what you think of me, Kristen?”
“I don’t know what to think,” I told her.
Mom took a deep breath and wiped the heavy tears that were falling from her eyes. They were real tears this time. I couldn’t figure out why she was crying. But she was crying so hard that, each time she wiped tears away, more would fall. Did I hurt her?
I pleaded, “Mom. I’m sorry. I’ve messed up so much. It’s this Borderline Personality Disorder, and it’s -”
Mom looked at me with those angry tears. She said, “Don’t do that. You’ve been in that place all this time. And you’ve had those people to talk to you and counsel you and show you how to deal. But I haven’t had that. I haven’t had the privilege of having someone to listen to me and take into consideration how I feel about things. I have to take care of your brother and sister. I can’t even give any attention to me and my needs. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t take it anymore. No, it’s most of the time that I feel this way. So, don’t sit there and act like you’re the one with all of the problems, Kristen.”
“But I do!” I yelled. “I do have problems! Mom! You can’t put me on the back burner because I’m almost eighteen! When I turn eighteen, I will still be your child! You can’t just expect me to go away and be able to deal with this on my own. I can’t. I’m not strong enough to do that. I’m trying to survive, but I can’t do it on my own. Don’t just ignore it, Mom.”
“Shut up!”
“Shut up?”
“Yes, shut up! I can’t take this right now. I have to get away from you.”
She got up off the couch and headed towards her bedroom. I got up and followed her.
“Shut up,” I repeated back to her. “That’s all you have ever wanted me to do. You wanted me to shut up when Jack was put away and people asked questions. Even when Jack was hurting Nick and I knew and tried to tell you, you told me to shut up.”
“Shut up, Kristen,” she said.
Tears poured out of her eyes. Her face was red and she pulled at her hair. We were in her bedroom and I stood by the door. There was nowhere else for her to go.
“I swear, Kristen. If you don’t get out of my face...”
“You wanted me to shut up because...” I hesitated, but I got out the last words I had said to her that night.
“You knew, Mom,” I told her. “You knew everything! You wanted me to shut up because you can’t admit to yourself that Nick continued to get hurt because you didn’t do anything about it. You wanted to live in your perfect, little, naive world. That’s why you wanted me to shut up. And now you want me to shut up because you can’t take it. You can’t take the fact that I could have died last month, and it would have been your fault!”
That was the last straw. Mom gasped. Her eyes grew big in shock. I choked back more words that I could have shot at her, but I kept quiet. She came towards me and grabbed my arm so tight that it felt like I was losing circulation.
“Why don’t you just go down to your room and cut your wrists again!” she yelled at me. “If I’m such a terrible mother, why don’t you just go do it and make sure you do it right? Or just get out of my house!”
She wasn’t crying anymore. Her eyes were red and puffy. She was certainly angry and she was not holding back. She pushed me out of her bedroom with full force. I didn’t fight back. I knew what I’d said, and I expected it to make her angry.
“I’m the bad mother because you tried to kill yourself and because of everything that happened years ago. I can’t fix it. What’s done is done. So, your poor, little, victimized, weak and jaded, teenage self who can’t make it on her own will have to settle for a kitchen knife. If you want to kill yourself, you’ll have to use that because I sold all of those fancy little knives you wasted your money on. Just do me one favor, Kristen. Don’t use my good cleaver knife.” She gave me one last push to make sure I was out of her way, and then she thrashed shut her bedroom door.
I went down to my bedroom and I sat on the bed, not sure what to feel. It felt good to get out what I had been holding in all those years, but I had never imagined she would be so angry to the point of actually telling me to die. I didn’t think she was wrong for feeling the way she did about me, because I was a problem for her, and I had only made things worse. What I'd said to her was true, she knew, and she needed to know that I was aware of it, even if it did kill one of us in the end.
CHAPTER 55
I didn’t kill myself by cutting my wrists. In fact, I didn’t even call out to Mr. Sharp that night. Mom and I didn’t say much to each other over the
next few days. I was glad when Monday came around because I was going back to work. Mom was glad too, because she didn’t have to work as many hours at her job as she had been working when I had been in Bent Creek.
My boss was glad to have me back at work. I made sure to wear long sleeves. It wasn’t too bad, because summer was nearing its end, and the chill of fall was starting to rise into the air. When I entered work, my boss gave me a warm hug. After I settled in, she showed me the new product and had me begin inventory and stocking the shelves with new merchandise. She didn’t waste any time on getting me back to laboring.
The morning was slow with customers in the store. There were mostly homemakers coming in, shopping for new clothes and shoes for their children. I was ringing up the last customer in the store for the morning when my stomach growled. It was nearly afternoon, which meant I had a lunch break coming soon.
The customer was leaving the store with her new merchandise and pushing a baby stroller, and as she walked out of the door, I noticed Lexus holding the door open. The woman passed by Lexus and thanked her as she exited the store. I had to blink twice to make sure I was really seeing Lexus. Sure enough, it was Lexus. She was dressed in a blue and white, satin camisole and a pair of low-riding blue jeans. Lexus walked into the store looking beautiful and glowing with happiness. She approached me at the counter with an Abercrombie and Fitch bag in her hand.
She smiled a warm smile and asked me, “Are you hungry?”
I looked over at the clock on the wall, trying not to let her smile get to me. It was too late. I was hungry and I missed her a lot. I felt guilty because I hadn’t bothered to call her to tell her that I was home from Bent Creek, even though I knew that she would find out from her parents. And, worst of all, I hadn’t bothered to try to reach out to her and apologize for the way I had behaved the last time we had seen each other.
“Give me a minute?” I asked.
“Sure,” she said.
Lexus kept that smile on her face that made me feel guilty.
I walked to the back room and opened the door labeled: EMPLOYEES ONLY. Beyond that door was a storage room that connected to the manager’s office. There was a cozy couch and a nineteen-inch, flat-screen television. The television sat on top of an orange milk crate near the manager’s office.
My boss looked up at me as she lay on the couch. She was watching a talk show on the television.
She said, “What’s going on? Did it get busy out there?”
The audience from the daytime talk show cheered as an angry woman pummeled a man on the stage. The studio audience seemed to be extraordinarily excited over this woman’s apparent rage from whatever injuries this man had caused her.
I looked away from the television and frowned at my boss.
“No,” I told her. “It’s time for me to take my lunch break.”
“Oh, Kristen,” she whined. “Can’t you go on your break in fifteen minutes? At least let me watch the rest of this part. I have to see if he fails the lie detector test, and I need to know if he is father of her baby, or if it's his younger brother.”
“No,” I denied her. “I have to go. I’m starving.”
Before she could get out another plea, I went over to the time clock and punched in the time on my card.
“I’m clocked out.” I told her, “I’ll be back in an hour.”
I walked back into the front of the store and my boss dragged herself behind. She had a childish scowl on her face. She couldn’t keep me from going to lunch just because she wanted to finish watching some sleazy talk show.
As Lexus and I walked to the food court, she kept looking over at me as if she was waiting for me to say something to her. I knew what she wanted to hear. I just wasn’t too sure if it was the right time to say it.
When I didn’t say anything, she decided to begin with, “Are we okay, Kristen?”
I nodded. “I think so.”
She clasped her hands together with a big smile on her face.
“Good,” she said. “There’s just so much to tell you.”
Of course we were okay again. Lexus didn’t hold grudges, and she didn’t keep anger built up inside of her. I had always known Lexus to be confident and a sincerely admirable person. Those were just a few of the qualities that I envied about her. She had other friends, too. Friends that were genuinely happy, and they were like her, including John. I was the only negative person in her life whom she considered a best friend. I had always wondered why this girl was my friend, because I was nothing like her.
CHAPTER 56
Lexus and I sat at a small, square table in the food court of the mall. We both decided to settle for sushi from the Japanese restaurant. They were handing out samples of California Rolls and had a special on the Yum Yum rolls. We couldn’t resist.
Lexus did most of the talking. I didn’t mind, because I didn’t want to talk about Bent Creek or anything that was really going on with me. It would have been too much, and it probably would have ruined her good mood. Lexus liked to be happy and she liked to hear good things. I wanted her to be that way. I didn’t want to be the cause of distress once again.
Lexus talked about her family and everyone’s involvement in her wedding. She insisted on paying for her own wedding dress because she felt bad that her father was paying for everything else, including the engagement party that was coming up.
“It is my wedding dress,” she said. “I can’t believe how much it cost! Can you believe it was almost three thousand dollars?”
I nodded.
“Well,” Lexus said with a sigh, “let’s not talk about the cost. That doesn’t matter. I guess what really matters is that it is finally going to happen.”
She was glowing with happiness, and I secretly envied her. I tried to push that unloved feeling away. I wanted to listen to her, and keep the focus and attention on her. This was my best friend. This was Lexus. She deserved to be this happy.
“John proposed to me at a party my parents were having. When he and Dad stepped away to talk, I kind of had a feeling that he was going to ask my Dad if he could propose, but, then again, I had my doubts.”
“Why did you doubt?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “That night was-”
Her voice trailed off as if she had to think about what she was going to say next. I looked at her silently as I waited. She looked away from me and shook her head.
“It’s okay,” I said, “I know that was the night when I messed up. I know that’s why you didn’t answer your phone. It was a perfect night, just like you said.”
I smiled at her. She had to know that I was not angry at her for being happy.
She wiped a single tear that rolled out the corner of her eye. She sucked back more tears in a deep breath. She cut her eyes back at me for a second, most likely expecting me to be looking sad. When she saw that I was smiling, she looked back at me. She let out a sigh and then began to chuckle.
“Why am I crying?” She continued laughing.
“I don’t know.” I let out a laugh.
“Kristen,” she called out to me. “I am really sorry.”
“No,” I told her. “You did the right thing. I’m glad you didn’t answer your phone that night, because then things would not have gone as they should have for you. Now, everything is as it should be.”
Lexus’ smile disappeared when I finished speaking. A look came over her. I had never seen the look from her before. It was a look of wonder and amazement. Her eyes narrowed and the color seemed to warm her face. Her cheeks relaxed as her mouth slightly opened. She cocked her head slightly to the left side while staring at me.
“There’s something different,” Lexus realized aloud.
“What?” The new expression that graced her caught me by surprise.
“I don’t know.”
As she spoke, her eyes warmed me ever more.
“I’m looking at you,” she said, “and I’m listening to you, and you...you’re...”
When
her voice trailed off again so that she could think about what she wanted to say, I took the opportunity to cut the topic short. I wasn’t ready for what Lexus might have said to me. In fact, it scared me to think of what may have been coming next.
She opened her mouth to let out the words that had come to her when I reached across the table and grabbed her left hand. This made her quickly close her mouth.
“Can I see?” I asked her.
“Yes,” she said. “It just worked out perfectly. Look at it!”
Lexus stretched out the fingers on her left hand and dazzled her gorgeous, teardrop, white diamond.
I couldn’t help but touch it. It was beautiful. I told her that I was very happy for her and that she deserved it more than anyone did.
Lexus smiled and said, “Thank you so much. That means the world to hear you say that.”
“I’m sure everyone’s told you that,” I told her.
“Yes,” she said. “But I appreciate it so much more from you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re my best friend. And I want you to be one of my bridesmaids.”
I unintentionally rolled my eyes.
Lexus caught me.
She explained, “I want to share this happiness with you. You are the reason I know John. We all grew up together. So you, more than any of my other friends, know how special this is. I need you to help me set things up and get ready for my big day. It wouldn’t be right without you there beside us.”
The sparkle and gleam in her eyes made me say yes.
She reached across the table, and her long arms grabbed me. We both stood up and we hugged each other. I quickly wiped away the painful tear that shot out of my right eye before we pulled away so that she wouldn’t see me crying.
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