He was making me nervous. Looking at Lexus was wonderful, but when he looked at me, I was sure he wasn’t seeing anything special. I put my hand over the right side of my face so that I could cover up and hide from him. Not realizing that I was actually making it worse, I kept my hand up, and he was able to get a good look at the scars on my wrists. When I heard him deeply sigh, I realized I had made a mistake.
He said, “How have you been?”
I nodded.
“What does that mean?” he sincerely asked.
“It means... It means I’m better,” I told him. His concern for me made my heart flutter.
It seemed as if he believed me. He let out a sigh of relief before he curled his lips into a satisfied smile.
It was apparent that he was not going to leave me alone, so before he could ask me any more questions, I turned to face him and I said, “So, who are all of those people in there, anyway?”
John laughed. He said, “Honestly, I don’t even know half of them. I bet they’re all my parents' and Lexus’ friends.” His smile was terribly adorable.
“Congratulations, John. You and Lexus are going to be great together. I’m really happy for you guys,” I said.
John stared into my eyes for a quick moment. In that moment, I felt my knees grow weak. Before I could fall, John grabbed me and embraced me with both of his arms wrapped around me. I hugged him tight. I squeezed him, and I didn’t want to let him go.
He slowly started to pull away after that quick embrace that we shared. The moment seemed to go by too fast.
His convincing and handsome smile that I loved so much was present on his face. His enthralling lips curled up perfectly and created a flawless smile that I could never deny.
John said, “Thank you. You know, it really means a lot to hear you say that.”
“I’m sure you both have already heard that from everyone here,” I said.
“But it means a little more, coming from you, Kristen.” He sounded too much like Lexus talking.
I smiled, holding back my tears.
“I have to get back,” John said. He looked back inside at the hall. “Have a good night, and remember to take it easy on that stuff.” He pointed to my empty cup.
I laughed and said, “I will. You have a great night.”
After that, he left me alone, outside on the terrace. I would remember John that way for the rest of my life. He was beautiful, kind, and happy.
That night Lexus insisted that I come to her apartment after the party. She suggested that we have a sleepover, and it would just be the two of us. She said it would be like old times. I said good night to Nick and Alison, and told my mother where I would be. She didn’t have too much to say to me, so I left the party with Lexus.
John walked with us out to Lexus’ car. I turned away from them as they kissed each other and said good night. My stomach turned at the sounds they were making with their mouths and tongues. Finally, Lexus was able to break free of John’s embrace, and we got into the car.
As Lexus pulled out of the parking space, John waved to us and shouted, “I love you,” to Lexus. She smiled and drove off. I watched John in the rearview mirror. He grew smaller in the distance until Lexus turned the corner and he was out of sight.
“It wouldn’t kill you to smile,” Lexus started.
“Yes, it would. It would kill me,” I joked.
“Ha, ha, very funny,” Lexus said.
CHAPTER 58
Spending the night over at Lexus’ house was just like old times. Lexus let me borrow one of her nightgowns, and we both settled down in front of her television once we were out of our formal clothes. We sat on the floor on top of a blanket Lexus had spread out, and we ate frozen yogurt while a late night comedy show played on the television.
“So, was it too much?” Lexus asked.
“I liked your party. It was like a dream,” I said.
“That was my mother’s idea of what an engagement party is supposed to be like. She wanted something out of a fairy tale. Oh, wait until you see the ideas she gave the planner for my wedding. I think I’m going to feel like Cinderella.”
“You’re far from being Cinderella,” I told her.
“You know what I mean. Not the evil step-mother part. You know, the princess part. When she meets her Prince Charming and everything is so enchanting.”
“Oh,” I said as I scraped up the last of my frozen yogurt out of the bowl.
“You don’t think so?”
“Yes, it’s great. It’s going to be amazing,” I humored her.
Lexus laughed. She was truly happy. I listened as Lexus continued to talk about her wedding plans. She went on about herself, John, and their plans for the future. I could only smile to make myself feel happiness to cover up the sadness that seemed to want to weigh heavily in my heart. Some of the things she shared with me were intimate. There were things she said that I didn’t really care to know, but I let her go on and tell me because she was on a blissful high. I didn’t think it would be fair for me to break her from it.
“I want to tell you something, but it may be TMI,” Lexus said with a blush.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I told myself I’d wait until I was married to have sex. I wanted it to be something special for our wedding night. I don’t know what happened, Kristen,” she said with a smile. “It just felt like the night was too perfect. We did it. But it was only one time. We said that we’d wait until after the wedding to do it again.”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You probably don’t want to hear all of this.”
“It’s okay,” I told her.
Lexus quieted herself and stared at the television. She laughed at the red-haired man who was cracking jokes on the late night comedy show. He made one last joke and then directed the cameras to his band that played a short intermission to the commercial break.
“That guy is so funny,” she said with a laugh.
“Yeah, when I was in the hospital, the only time we got to watch television was during prime time when detective shows and teenage soap operas were on. The TV never stayed on long enough, and we weren’t allowed to be up late enough to watch the late night comedy.”
“Well,” Lexus responded. “You are out of there now. You’re home free! And you can watch as much late night TV as you want.”
We laughed together. After the laughter, we stared at each other in silence. Looking at Lexus’ beautiful face was not a difficult thing to do. It was when I grew self-conscious of what she was seeing when she looked at me, which made it difficult to keep eye contact. I turned my head back to face the television. The commercials were still playing.
Lexus suddenly snapped her fingers, startling me.
“I know it!” she exclaimed when she snapped her fingers.
“Know what?”
“What’s different,” she said.
“What’s different?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. She smiled wide and scooted herself closer to me, forcing me to have to face her now. She was very happy about her sudden epiphany. “You’re different.” She went on. “You seem happier. I mean, more positive about things. You don’t seem so...”
“Negative?” I completed her sentence.
“No. Uh. I mean, yeah. I’m not saying that you were a negative person. You made a change, because now you’re just so different, but in a good way.”
“I know what you mean. It’s okay. Thank you, Lexus,” I said.
“You’re welcome,” she said with a sweet smile.
I hoped that she would leave the subject alone, and not keep going on about it. The comedic late night talk show host saved me. The red-haired, hyperactive, funny man welcomed his next guest to the set. A popular young male actor with a godlike bone structure and suave swagger joined the host on stage. Lexus’ attention was now tuned to him.
As she watched television, I watched her. I noticed the sweet beauty mole that rested on her neck, just b
elow her jawline near her left earlobe. I slid closer to her, quietly, not to disturb her. I put my hand on her shoulder and watched her smile. Then, I gently pressed my lips on that mole and kissed it. I held my lips there to make sure she felt my touch. She didn’t flinch or pull away from me.
I pulled myself away. When I looked at her, I was surprised to see that her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful and calm. She was breathing slowly.
As I took in that moment between Lexus and me, things became clear. Lexus really was a good friend. She was there for me as a true friend should be, the best way that she knew how. She did not want to hurt me, or use me to make herself feel good because she was not a bad person. She truly cared about me as her friend.
Lexus and I lived on the same planet, but we were from different worlds. Hers was a world that I did not understand. Lexus’ world was full of romance, love, family, John, wedding dresses, and engagement parties. Her story would have been written in an entirely different tone and genre if she had written her story.
My world consisted of trying to heal what had been broken on the inside and outside of me. Even though we came from different worlds and she couldn’t fully understand what I was going through, and vice versa, we remained best friends. We loved, supported, and accepted each other.
“Good night, beautiful,” I said to her as I pulled a pillow close and then lay down.
I closed my eyes and didn’t look back at her again that night. I was sure to pull the blanket over my face so that she couldn’t see me crying. I held my breath so that I wouldn’t make a sound. I didn’t know what she was doing or thinking after that, but I heard a sniffle and a soft sob.
Her warm hand touched my back, and it stayed there for a short forty seconds. She whispered good night just before she removed her hand. The television was turned off. The lamp was turned out. Then I heard her bedroom door shut.
CHAPTER 59
On my birthday, I woke up to Nick, Alison, and Mom singing to me. They serenaded me with the traditional birthday melody, but Nick and Alison topped it off with the best, most annoying soprano notes I had ever heard.
Mom fussed, “It was supposed to be nice. You both killed it.”
“She loved it,” Nick said as he dashed onto my bed and pulled the covers up from over me.
Alison added as she sat down on the other side of me, “We made it unique. I wanted to hit all of the high notes.”
I kissed the both of them on their cheeks. “I did love it,” I said.
Mom gave me a blueberry muffin with a lit candle sticking out of it.
“Make a big wish!” Alison said.
I closed my eyes, made a secret wish, and then opened my eyes again. I took a deep breath and was ready to blow, but Nick stopped me.
“Wait,” he said. “What did you wish for?”
“I’ll never tell,” I told him. Then I blew out my candle.
Nick and Alison applauded.
“Okay, kiddies,” Mom said. “Go get dressed so that I can drop you off at the Recreation Center.”
“Mom!” Alison exclaimed.
“I thought we were going to hang out with Kristen today, since it’s her birthday,” Nick said.
“Kristen has to see the doctor today,” Mom said. “You guys will see her later, after camp.”
I couldn’t deny the looks on their faces. I told Mom, “I’ll pick them up after I see Dr. Pelchat today, if you leave me the car.”
“Yeah!” Nick exclaimed.
“Mommy, please,” Alison pleaded.
Mom smiled at me. She said, “Okay. That’ll be fine. Just be sure you are at the Rec Center by 3:00pm.”
Nick and Alison cheered as they ran out of my bedroom and back up the stairs. When Mom was sure that they were in their rooms, she closed my bedroom door. She came over to me.
I sat up in bed, and she sat down next to me. I could tell this was about to be a serious conversation. A sharp pain shot through my chest. I stayed silent, anticipating what was coming.
She reached into her bathrobe pocket and pulled out an envelope. She took a deep breath and carefully said, “This came in the mail for you this morning.” She held the envelope out to me.
I took the envelope from her hand. It was addressed to me, and it was from...
“It’s from Jack,” Mom said.
The metal ball in my chest started to slowly turn, but with the turns came a burning sensation that hurt me more than it had ever hurt before. My heart pounded as if it wanted to escape my chest.
“I don’t want this,” I said to Mom.
“Open it,” she demanded. “At least open it and see what he has to say.”
I opened the envelope and pulled out the birthday card that was inside. On the front of the card was an illustration of a brown bear that was dressed up in a business suit and a tie. Beside the bear was a baby brown bear that had a pink bow on top of its head. The baby bear was wearing a pink dress to match the bow. Both of the bears were smiling at each other, and they were inside of a house that I guess they both lived in, since they were supposed to be family. The top of the card read: OH HOW MY BABY GROWS
The card had three inserts inside. The first insert showed the baby brown bear with her papa bear again. This time the baby brown bear looked a little older. The papa bear was tying the baby bear’s shoe laces. The second insert showed the papa bear and the baby brown bear. She wasn’t a baby anymore. She had grown a little bigger. They both were smiling as she and the papa bear flew a kite together. The final insert showed the papa bear waving goodbye to his grown-up baby brown bear with tears in his eyes. She was leaving the house dressed in a graduation cap and gown.
I didn’t want to read the words that were written by Jack at the bottom of the last insert. It was about three paragraphs of his sorry apologies and sad regrets. The damage was already done. I did not intend to forgive him.
I closed the card. As I was putting the card back in the envelope, I noticed something inside. I pulled it out. It was a twenty-dollar bill. Wrapped around the twenty was a thin strip of paper. In Jack’s handwriting it said, “I wish I could have sent you more. Happy birthday, sweetheart.”
I put the twenty-dollar bill and the card back inside the envelope. Mom watched me. There was more to it, and I knew it. Otherwise, she would have already left me alone. Mom sighed and leaned over towards me. I waited for what was coming.
“Kristen, we got off on the wrong foot when you first came home,” she admitted. “We had that argument. You said a lot of things that really made me feel a certain way. And I think we need to talk about this before you go to see Dr. Pelchat.”
“Mom,” I said, “I’m really sorry.”
“No,” she stopped me. “Just listen to me. When you said what you said, it really did hurt me. But believe it or not, it did make me think. First off, you should know that you make your own choices. I shouldn’t be blamed for your own mistakes. You chose to pick up that knife, and you chose to hurt yourself. You need to take responsibility for that.”
“Mom, I do,” I said. “I’m sorry for all of that.”
“I’m not finished,” she said as she put her hand up to stop me from speaking. “I know that you are eighteen now. You are considered a grown-up, but I do still consider you my child. When our family broke apart, I know that it was not only hard for Nick, but I know it was hard for you, too. I did push you hard, and that was only because I didn’t want you to turn out to be depressed, and I didn’t want you to get like this, the way you are now. I thought that I was helping you. I guess all of that pushing turned out to be something else. It turned into a lot of guilt and hardship on you. It was guilt that I had inside of me pushed on to you. It was guilt, which has been there ever since you were born.”
I looked at her, afraid of what she might say next.
“You never knew this, but eighteen years ago, when I first found out I was pregnant with you, I almost let your father talk me into having an abortion. It seemed like the only solution
at the time to get rid of this problem that we thought we had. We were both young, and we had no idea what was going to happen. But when I got to the clinic, I couldn’t do it. Your father didn’t want to have a relationship with me anymore, after I told him I had decided to keep you. I felt like I had to really make keeping you worth the sacrifice of losing your father.”
I sat silently with my eyes turned away from her.
She continued, “I feel guilty because I feel like I failed you. Ever since you were born, I’ve felt that I should have waited to have you. I should have waited until I was ready. I was growing up and raising you by myself all at the same time. It was hard on the both of us. When Jack came into my life and showed me what a real family could be like, I thought that I was doing right by you and the twins when I decided to marry him and move here. I wanted to hold onto that and keep that. Even when I saw that what we had was fading, I thought that one day it might change. I wasn’t naive. I was just being stupid. And I’m sorry that I failed you as your mother.”
I took a deep breath, leaned over, and I hugged her. She hugged me tight.
“I love you, Mom,” I told her.
“I love you, Kristen. I’m so sorry, baby,” she said as she pulled away.
“I’m sorry too, Mom,” I apologized again.
“I forgive you,” Mom said as she pulled away.
“Really?”
“Yes. I forgive you for what you did,” she said. She gestured to my wrists.
I stayed silent and looked away from her, feeling ashamed.
“And,” Mom said. “You should forgive yourself.”
I looked at her. Silently I contemplated what I should say in response, but nothing that I could think of seemed right.
“You’ve said that you’re sorry enough for now,” she said.
Still speechless, I only nodded.
She noticed that I was dumbfounded and changed the subject, I guess in a way to give me something to think about.
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