Judy spaced the sausage rolls on the baking tray, slipped it into the oven, and set the timer. Then, out of the blue, a memory, long forgotten, came back to her, and with it, a sense of unease.
It had been the weekend after their engagement, when she took Callum to meet the family. It was a fairly large gathering: her parents, grandparents, her brother, his wife, and their three children. And suddenly, amid all the laughing and talking, she’d realized Callum wasn’t in the room – that, in fact, it had been some time since she’d seen him.
Alarmed that he might have been taken ill, she’d gone in search of him, finally running him to ground in the den, engrossed in a video game with her thirteen-year-old nephew.
He’d been teased mercilessly at the time – preferring the company of a young boy to his new fiancée, and so on, and though Judy had joined in the general laughter, she’d been hurt. Odd, she thought now, that Giles had been exactly the same age then as Josh was now. Did Callum secretly long for a son? He’d shown no sign of it when the children were younger, professing himself delighted with his ‘two princesses’. Perhaps it was only when a boy was old enough to share his interests that the lack had been felt.
She shook herself free of her musings, glancing at the clock on the wall. The children would be home soon – it was Elaine’s turn to do the school run – and she’d not completed as much as she’d hoped. Now, her preparations would be slowed down still further, with Flora insisting on measuring, stirring and tasting. It was part of the build-up to the party, Judy thought with a fond smile, but Callum would have to settle for a takeaway tonight.
‘I had lunch with Callum,’ Bob Nelson said, pouring out a measure of whisky. He gave a brief laugh. ‘Would you believe, he actually offered to take the kids to the cinema tomorrow, so we could, as he put it, “do our own thing”.’
‘What did you say?’ Elaine asked.
‘That he’d be drummed out of hearth and home if he didn’t attend his daughter’s birthday party.’
‘Quite right, too. Anyway, it’s not that often our two have the benefit of your company.’
She looked up from the potatoes she was peeling. ‘Sometimes,’ she said reflectively, ‘I almost get the impression he’d like to adopt Josh. He certainly puts you to shame, the amount of time he spends with him.’
‘Well, good luck to him,’ Bob said good-naturedly. ‘I did enough maths in my youth to last me for life, and as you know, football’s never been my thing.’
‘Fair enough, but surely you could find something you both enjoy. Josh is growing up, Bob; he needs your input. Judy said Callum thinks of him as a surrogate son; if you’re not careful, Josh will think of him as a surrogate father, and when you are ready to spend more time with him, it might be too late.’
‘Hey!’ Bob protested, hitching himself on to a corner of the table. ‘I’m not an absentee parent. I’m here, aren’t I? Josh knows if he has any problems, he can always come to me.’
‘My point,’ said Elaine, ‘is that you should sometimes go to him.’
Callum, driving slowly home in rush-hour traffic, contemplated the weekend ahead with little enthusiasm. To be honest, he’d have much preferred to see the latest Harry Potter with Josh and the others, than face a horde of excited little girls who needed entertaining every minute of the two hours they’d spend at the house.
Judy had shown him the list of games she’d drawn up the previous evening. He’d be called into service to halt the music for Pass the Parcel, adjudicate the winner of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and help distribute the food at teatime, no doubt mopping up spilt apple juice as he did so.
He frowned, his thoughts returning to Josh. Something was worrying the boy, he felt sure. The last couple of weeks he’d seemed abstracted, though he insisted nothing was wrong. Callum had considered mentioning it to Bob over lunch, but decided against it. He was chary of suggesting he knew more about the boy than his own father – even though that might be true.
All the same, he felt uneasy. Thirteen was a critical age; what happened at that stage of a boy’s development could have a lasting effect on his life, as he knew only too well. It was essential to keep the lines of communication open, try to protect Josh from himself, steer him in the right direction, but to his frustration, Bob didn’t seem to realize this. Thank God he had daughters! he thought wryly, as he turned into his gateway.
Josh Nelson sat at the desk in his room, staring down at his maths homework. He wished passionately that this was one of his coaching evenings, not only so that Callum could suggest methods of working out the sums, but so that he’d have to concentrate on what he was doing, and his mind wouldn’t keep going back to the incident at the school gates.
He’d been flattered at first when Dave Harris, a prefect, had complimented him after he and some other sixth-formers had stopped to watch his football training after school. Dave was a hero to the younger kids, excelling as he did at all sports, and according to Susie Tennant, who sat next to Josh in class, he was good-looking as well, with his mop of fair hair and easy grin.
But over the last week or two, Dave’s attentions had become an embarrassment, and Josh wished he’d just leave him alone. Several times he’d watched from the sidelines when Josh was playing and come up to him afterwards. Then today, as he was leaving school, he’d been waiting for him, and asked if he’d like to go for a coke.
Luckily, it was just as Mum drove up and he had the perfect excuse, hurrying, scarlet-faced, to the car with Phoebe and the others. Next week was half-term so he had a break, but he wasn’t looking forward to going back to school. He wondered how Dave would react when he ran out of excuses.
Once a month, the Firbanks and the Nelsons went out for dinner to a Cambridge restaurant, taking a taxi both ways so they could all enjoy wine with their meal.
That February evening, in the middle of half-term, Callum was still undecided about whether to mention his worries about Josh. The more he considered it, the more intrusive it seemed, and he’d spent the day trying to balance Bob and Elaine’s probable annoyance against his concern for the boy’s welfare.
But soon after they’d placed their order, Bob made a comment that banished Josh from his mind.
‘Someone was asking about you today, Callum,’ he remarked, holding up his wine glass to check the colour.
‘Oh? Who was that?’ No alarm bells so far.
‘Didn’t catch his name – approached me as I was leaving the hospital. Said he’d been trying to trace you, and someone had told him we were neighbours.’
‘He could have found me in the phone book, if he knew my name.’
‘Actually, he didn’t – or at least, not all of it. He asked me your surname, and whether you’d ever lived up north.’
Callum went still, his heart setting up a heavy thumping in his chest.
Judy glanced at him, surprised by his silence. ‘Well,’ she said lightly, ‘the answer to that is no. You were brought up in Surrey, weren’t you, darling?’
Callum nodded, moistening his lips. ‘What else did he say?’ His voice sounded strained to his ears, but the others didn’t seem to notice.
‘Nothing, really. I was in a hurry, so I didn’t prolong the conversation.’
Callum made a supreme effort to appear casual. ‘What did he look like, this chap?’
‘Pretty unremarkable. Medium height, sandy hair, about our age. Ring any bells?’
‘No. You didn’t give him my address?’
Bob shook his head. ‘He didn’t ask for it, but I wouldn’t have anyway. It’s not something I hand out to passing strangers.’
The waiter materialized with their first course, and they sat in silence as he placed the dishes in front of them. Callum was desperately trying to think how he could learn more about this stranger without appearing overcurious, but as the waiter moved away, Elaine said, ‘I meant to tell you, Jude, I saw Miranda yesterday, and she’s all right for Tuesday.’
And, as the conversation switched,
his chance was lost. He stared down at the whitebait in front of him, wondering now he could force it past his closed throat. God, this couldn’t really be happening, could it? Not after all this time?
‘Remember that chap I told Callum about?’ Bob said, coming into the kitchen a couple of days later. ‘The one who was asking after him?’
Elaine paused in her ironing. ‘Can’t say I do.’
‘He asked if I knew him, and what his surname was. Actually –’ he frowned – ‘when I told him, he said, “So that’s what he’s calling himself now.” Odd, don’t you think? I forgot to mention that.’
Elaine picked up her daughter’s skirt and shook out the pleats. ‘So – what about him?’
‘Well, I thought I caught sight of him just now, in the park across the road. When I drove past, he ducked behind the gate, as if he didn’t want me to see him. Ironically, that’s what drew my attention.’ Bob paused. ‘Do you think I should mention it?’
‘It’s not important, surely? If it is the same man, he’s probably waiting for Callum, and if it isn’t, you’d have alerted him unnecessarily. Either way, it could look like interfering.’
Bob shrugged. ‘I suppose you’re right,’ he said, ‘though I still can’t fathom how he knew I was a friend of his.’
As the days passed, Callum’s panic began to recede. After bracing himself to be approached by every stranger he saw, and jumping each time the phone rang, he gradually regained a semblance of calm. He’d overreacted. Guilty conscience, he thought grimly. The stranger could be any number of past acquaintances – someone they’d met on holiday, a fellow attendee on a business course. It was only the query about the north that couldn’t easily be dismissed, and he convinced himself there’d be an explanation for that, too.
Judy, however, had noticed his jumpiness, and it worried her. He was a complex man, her husband, and over the years of their marriage there had, on occasion, been things that puzzled her, in particular his evasiveness when she asked about his childhood.
Then there was the way he’d reacted when she’d had a bump in the car. She’d broken the news over supper, nervous that he would blame her for the damage caused. What she’d been unprepared for was for him to lose colour, jump up from his chair and pull her feverishly into his arms, holding her so tightly she could scarcely breathe. It had taken her the rest of the evening to calm him down.
Sometimes, uncomfortably, she wondered if he loved her too much, wearying as she did of being asked repeatedly if she still cared for him. Continual reassurances were even required of the children. ‘Do you love Daddy?’ he’d say. ‘How much?’
And, laughing, they’d hold their little arms wide apart to show how much. Even now, with what she was beginning to think of as his obsession with Josh, that bedtime testimony was asked for, and willingly given. His childhood must have been very unhappy, she thought sadly, to leave him so insecure.
Yet, oddly, this apparent vulnerability was confined to his personal life; where business was concerned, he was confident, successful and well respected, attributes that, reflected in his generous salary, allowed them to live in one of Cambridge’s most affluent suburbs, enjoying an extremely comfortable lifestyle. If the past held demons for him, Judy reflected, they must have been of a very specific nature.
It was the first Saturday in March, and Callum had still not managed to fathom what was bothering Josh. They were leaving the football ground, his hand casually on the boy’s shoulder to pilot him through the crowds, when a voice made them turn.
‘Enjoy the game, Firbank?’
It was one of his business rivals, a man he privately disliked.
‘I’d have enjoyed it more if we’d won,’ he answered levelly.
Benson’s eyes went to the boy at Callum’s side. ‘I didn’t realize you had a son.’
‘He’s not mine,’ Callum replied, his hand dropping from Josh’s shoulder. ‘His parents are friends of ours.’
‘Really?’ There was a wealth of innuendo in Benson’s voice, and to his fury, Callum felt himself flush.
‘Yes, really,’ he answered shortly. ‘Come on, Josh, they’ll be expecting us.’ And he steered the boy swiftly away. Filthy-minded bastard, he raged to himself; if Josh hadn’t been present, he’d not have got away with it. But if Josh hadn’t been there, the question wouldn’t have arisen. It was a sad world if you couldn’t take a friend’s child out without being suspected of perversion.
He was still bruised by the encounter that evening, which accounted for his sharp response when Judy broached the subject.
‘Darling, don’t take this the wrong way,’ she began, ‘but I think it would be wise if you cut down on your time with Josh.’
‘Why?’ he snapped. ‘Are people talking?’
Her train of thought disrupted, she stared at him blankly. ‘I don’t follow you.’
He bit his lip, not looking at her. ‘We bumped into Benson as we were leaving the stadium, and he insinuated I had designs on Josh.’
‘Oh, Callum, surely not!’ There was horror on her face.
‘Well, that was the way I took it. Just because I had my hand on the lad’s shoulder.’
The lad, her brain repeated, before she could stop it. A northern turn of phrase, surely, yet one he frequently used. It hadn’t registered before.
She said quickly. ‘I’m sure he meant no such thing.’
‘I think he did, but I shouldn’t have let him rile me.’
‘Josh didn’t – notice, did he?’
‘No, I’m sure not. It would never have occurred to him.’
She nodded, partly mollified. ‘But to come back to what I was saying, the way things are, you’re in danger of usurping Bob’s place.’
Callum lifted his shoulders. ‘He seems happy enough to let me.’
‘That’s not the point. He’s Josh’s father, after all, and you’re showing him up.’ She smiled wryly. ‘Elaine described us as “paragons” – I, apparently, because I make my own cakes, you in what you do for Josh.’
‘There’s nothing noble about it,’ Callum said slowly. ‘I enjoy taking him to football, pointing out the finer parts of the game. And as to the coaching, he’s a quick learner, and it’s rewarding to see him begin to grasp the principles. Numbers have always intrigued me, and if I can pass that interest on, it’ll stand him in good stead.’
‘But it’s not up to you to do it,’ Judy said gently. ‘Can’t you turn your attention to your daughters, who love you and who at the moment are being sidelined?’
She saw that had gone home. ‘You don’t really think that?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Her fists clenched. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t provide you with a son, but—’
‘Judy!’ It was a cry of pain. He crossed to her quickly and seized her hands. ‘Don’t ever, ever think that! You know my three girls mean more to me than anything, and I wouldn’t change them for the world.’
She smiled shakily, trying to lessen the tension. ‘Then just ease off, will you? Obviously, I’m not saying you should stop seeing Josh – it wouldn’t be possible anyway – just tone things down a bit.’
‘But – how do I go about it?’
Judy shrugged. ‘Simple enough. Tell Bob you’ve been happy to coach during the winter, but the guest room’s still waiting to be decorated and with spring round the corner, there’s a list of other things that need doing. He’ll understand, and I’m sure Josh will. It was never supposed to be a permanent arrangement.’
Callum nodded. ‘All right, but I’m committed for next Saturday; I promised to take him to the motorbike rally in Fenby.’
Judy looked surprised. ‘I didn’t know Fenby went in for that kind of thing.’
‘They’re trying to widen the appeal of their Spring Fair, offering a programme of stunts, followed by five-minute pillion rides. There’ll be the usual things as well – refreshments, side-shows, dodgems – you name it. It’ll be packed and very noisy, but Josh is keen to go, and Bob’s on call next weekend. As i
t turns out, it’ll make a grand finale, and then we can reinstate family days. Don’t know quite how they fell by the board.’
‘That’ll be lovely,’ Judy said contentedly.
She was weeding one of the borders the next morning, when Elaine put her head over the fence.
‘We’re having an impromptu barbecue, and yes, we’re quite mad! We’ll be eating inside, obviously, but the kids have been asking for ages, and we thought, well, why not? It’ll taste the same, but we can sit in comfort round the kitchen table. Bob will do the necessary, of course, and I’m sure he’d welcome Callum’s help, if you’d like to join us?’
Judy sat back on her heels. ‘Our two will jump at it. I was about to put the meat in the oven, but it’ll keep. Thanks, Elaine. Anything I can bring?’
‘You could do the baked potatoes, if you wouldn’t mind. And some of your special dressing. As you know, mine comes out of a bottle!’
Judy laughed. ‘I’ll bring it on condition you don’t refer to me as a paragon!’
‘Done! See you about twelve, then.’
When they walked round, Josh was in the back garden with his father, and Callum and the girls went straight out to join them.
Bob turned from lighting the barbecue and ruffled Luisa’s hair. ‘Hi there, Luisa-without-an-o,’ he said. That had been her standard answer when asked her name as a small child, and it was how he’d always greeted her. She supposed resignedly that he always would, at least until she was old – eighteen, or something. ‘Phoebe’s in her room, and she’s got something to show you both.’
The girls ran back into the house.
‘Don’t forget to wipe your feet!’ Callum called after them.
Bob passed Callum an apron. ‘Josh here tells me you’ve offered to take him to the rally next weekend?’
‘That’s right. He assures me he has your permission to ride pillion.’
Bob nodded. ‘Obviously they’ll have helmets and all the necessary safety gear. It’s very good of you to take him.’
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