They had arrived on Tor with only enough to provide for those onboard for two years--rationed--which would give them a fighting chance to establish a productive colony. If they’d immediately begun reproducing, every addition to the colony would have narrowed their margin of safety in that regard. She didn’t even know if she could produce a healthy child under ideal conditions. Cross breeding, if it was possible, might actually produce a stronger, healthier child than one that was ‘pure’ human, since humans had over bred to the point that they were passing on more undesirable attributes than desirable ones, but that was assuming it would work at all.
Elise’s mental debate came to a screeching halt there as it suddenly dawned on her to wonder why she was worried about that at all. She didn’t actually want things to work out, did she? She was only going along with all this because she didn’t have a choice, wasn’t she?
Why should she be worried about whether Ja-rael was proud, or ashamed, of her? Whether she could give him the family he wanted or not? She was just going to stay as long as she had to and go back to her own people, wasn’t she?
Agitated by her thoughts, she got up and left the cabin, but she discovered that it was easier to leave the room than to leave the worrisome thoughts behind.
Ja-rael glanced at her, but immediately returned his attention to the view from the forward viewing screen. After standing uncomfortably for several moments, Elise looked around for a place to sit. There wasn’t one, of course, except the seat she’d vacated shortly before at the table.
After staring at the back of his head for a good ten minutes, Elise finally nerved herself to offer an olive branch. “I should … uh … I would like to learn to speak in your tongue.”
Ja-rael turned to study her speculatively for several moments and she almost felt as if she could read what was going through his mind, but perhaps that was just her guilty conscience? He had every reason to be suspicious of her motives. Finally, he nodded, after studying it over frowningly for several moments, he got up and began to search the ship for something, finally unearthing a rectangular object. Tucking it under his arm, he looked around for a spot to settle and finally gestured toward the cabin.
Curious, Elise followed him, settling a little uneasily beside him on the bunk. She saw then that the object was some sort of electronic writing tablet.
“You will need to know how to read and write the language as well as speak it,” he said without glancing at her.
Elise studied the strange symbols uneasily. She’d been thinking more along the lines of learning a few phrases, or a fairly large vocabulary that she could throw out in combination with hand gestures. She relaxed slightly, however, when she discovered that the language of the Meeri, like the romance languages of Old Earth, was based on the same root language as the one spoken by the Torrines. Most of the words were only pronounced a little differently and she’d already learned a fair grasp of that, although she certainly hadn’t learned to read or write the language.
Settling more comfortably on the side of the bunk, she worked on memorizing the way each letter and word looked and sounding them out. In the process, her discomfort vanished and she began to interact more freely with Ja-rael.
“Good,” he said after a while, tapping her cheek affectionately. “You learn quickly.”
Pleased with the praise, Elise smiled at him. “I can teach you my language, too,” she offered.
He smiled back, but wryly. “I grasp much,” he responded in English. “When you are angry, I am asshole. Same thing your people, because not come to look for you.”
Elise felt her jaw go slack with surprise. “You understand ….”
“Much. I see your face, I understand what you feel. Help to understand what you say.” He got up. “Study. I do not want my people to think you are a savage,” he said in Torrine.
When he’d gone, Elise collapsed back against the mattress and covered her face in embarrassment, frantically trying to figure out everything that had been said around him that he might, or might not, have understood.
Her tirade earlier?
Probably the gist of it anyway, maybe more than just a general idea.
The remark about the ‘savage’ certainly seemed to indicate that he’d understood a good bit of the conversation in the habitat. How? Had he absorbed it?
How the hell was she supposed to know he would pick up her language with such ease?
Maybe she should have reserved judgment until she’d gotten to know him a little better?
So, she wasn’t as guilty of snobbery as the others, but she had a feeling she’d been just a little condescending because he’d made a mistake she thought he could’ve figured out if he’d been more intelligent. But people tended to see what they expected to see, or interpret what they saw by what was known to them, so it was no wonder he’d mistaken her for his kind. He obviously hadn’t been expecting to run into aliens. She, on the other hand, had known she was living among aliens.
So, maybe, they’d both made an honest mistake and neither of them should be so quick to judge?
Regardless of her own sense of guilt, it took Elise the better part of two days to get over the bulk of her anger over being tricked and shanghaied. It might have taken longer except for the fact that it was slowly born in upon her that Ja-rael wasn’t any happier about the fact that she wasn’t what he’d thought than she had been at the prospect of being wooed by an alien. She began to get a bad feeling she’d fallen right off the pedestal he’d put her on into a hell of a gully. That upset her far more than it should have considering her own feelings on the matter. Even worse to her way of thinking, she came to realize that she hadn’t felt his desire once since they’d taken off, not even distant vibes. It was disturbing how distressing that was.
It was even more disturbing to realize she’d not only accused him of using it against her, she’d excused herself by blaming him--because she was pretty sure he’d understood and maybe that was why she wasn’t feeling that magical glow.
Of course, it hadn’t even been twenty four hours since they’d had sex--and it had been a marathon--so maybe he just wasn’t in the mood because he was sated for the time being?
She didn’t feel particularly needy.
She just wanted a little reassurance.
She didn’t get it. Two more days passed and he didn’t even show a flicker of interest and she was beginning to feel a little needy.
The cruiser didn’t just look old, it acted antiquated--slow. When she finally asked how long the trip would take she was dismayed when he told her--almost two weeks Old Earth time--she still calculated everything in Old Earth time. She didn’t know why she persisted in clinging to it, but no other measurements seemed ‘right’.
As tiny as the cruiser was, it was impossible to put any sort of distance between them, physically or emotionally. She spent most of her time in the cabin, because it was the only area that actually had enough room to move around without bumping into anything. Ja-rael spent as little time there as possible, making it a point to rest when she was up and moving around.
Elise was finally forced to conclude that he’d not only gotten a firm grasp of her tirade, the remarks so closely mirrored his own concerns that he was trying to avoid thinking about them by avoiding her--which was no easy task on such a small vessel.
It probably hadn’t helped that she’d said she was afraid of him.
She wasn’t, not really. She’d laid into him pretty hard several times in their short acquaintance and hardly even managed to arouse a spark of anger. He was so ‘laid back’ if not for the aggressive way he’d behaved at the habitat she would’ve been more inclined to think he was incapable of being aroused to real anger, much less violence and she simply couldn’t imagine him being any sort of threat to her under the circumstances. More accurately, she was just plain afraid of the ‘unknown’ that awaited her.
Ja-rael had said that he would protect her. She didn’t doubt his willingness, or even his ability to k
eep her safe from most any harm that might befall, but there were just some things one couldn’t be protected from.
What if she made a complete fool out of herself because she didn’t know or understand some really important custom? What if she unwittingly broke some law? Insulted someone important?
What if she didn’t have to actually do anything wrong? What if she was just ostracized because she wasn’t like everyone else?
Some of her fears might sound just plain silly voiced aloud, but they weren’t ‘nothing’. They weren’t groundless, or unimportant. Life as a pariah could be pure hell, even if hell only lasted one year.
And how long was one year on Meeri?
Chapter Twelve
Five days into the trip from Tor to Meeri Elise had reached a point of distress that made one ‘truth’ impossible to ignore or give the lie to. She was addicted to the chemical reaction Ja-rael’s pheromones created when they bombarded her body. She did her best to control it, ignore it, beat the craving into submission, but from the time she woke until the time she finally managed to fall asleep during the rest periods she had a hard time thinking about anything else. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Ja-rael had seemed to be suffering equally from an addiction to her. She could have at least consoled herself with the thought that he really wanted her, even though he was too hurt, angry, or maybe disgusted about the situation to try to bed her. She wasn’t even certain of that much, however.
He was polite. She supposed one could even say friendly, in a standoffish sort of way. He would sit companionably with her for hours, teaching her about Meeri, the language, customs, history--He was even willing to share an occasional anecdote about himself, but she almost felt as if he’d erected an invisible wall between them. Occasionally, she would feel a faint wave of interest, but she’d hardly registered it before it disappeared and left her wondering whether she’d actually felt it or if she just wanted to feel it so much that she was beginning to imagine it.
When she managed to convince herself she hadn’t imagined the sensation, she was irritated. She saw no reason not to enjoy themselves. Assuming the prolonged hyber-sleep hadn’t affected it--which it shouldn’t have--by her calculations, her birth control devise had a good five years life left to it. Unless she deliberately disabled it, the chances of finding out whether they were, or were not, compatible breeders wasn’t an issue, but, somehow, she had a feeling that Ja-rael wouldn’t particularly welcome that news, particularly since the realization that there might be a problem seemed to have completely turned him off to the idea of having sex with her at all.
* * * *
There was nothing to see beyond the forward viewing port that had not been there every day since they’d taken off. Regardless, Ja-rael focused upon it almost with a sense of desperation, and still he was aware of every move Elise made in the cramped confines of his ship.
Under the circumstances, it should not have been difficult for him to control his desires. It should not have been difficult under any circumstances. He had had a lifetime of learning self control in an environment where it was extremely hazardous to one’s health to lust for a female that belonged to another male and even more dangerous to lust for an unmated female. Why was he having such a hard time controlling his hunger for a female that was not even his kind?
The sense of betrayal he felt was almost equal to his embarrassment for making such a horrendous mistake.
Why had it not occurred to him, even once, that she might be a member of the alien race that he had heard had settled on Tor? It wasn’t as if his desire had so consumed him that he hadn’t noticed there were differences between them.
And yet he had put it all down to some absurd legend that he had never even truly believed--before he’d set eyes on Elise. He hadn’t thought that he had placed any credence in the stories he’d heard in his childhood. Perhaps he had though? Maybe, deep down, even though he’d thought education and maturity had eradicated childish fantasies, maybe they never truly were. Perhaps they always remained, only awaiting a spark to come to life again?
Or, perhaps, it was just Elise?
Why? He supposed that question bothered him the most. Why had he been so consumed by his desire for her the moment he saw her that he had acted only upon his instincts as if his brain had completely shut down and ceased to function at all?
By all that he knew about his physiology, he should not have even felt any attraction at all if they were so completely different. Hostility would have been a more natural reaction. At the very least, he should have felt some sense of ‘wrongness’. She was an intelligent being, so his feelings could not be considered unnatural in the sense that he was desirous of mating with a lower order of animal, but even so he found it confusing and disturbing.
Her people had looked upon him as if he were a dumb beast. He had sensed their belief in their superiority even before he had begun to understand their words.
Elise also felt that her race was far superior to his own.
He had sensed that almost from the beginning in the way she had behaved toward him afterward. He had not been insulted then. He had felt that he was a humble supplicant to a far superior being--for the legends of the maned lions equated them almost with gods. When he had finally been forced to accept that he had behaved like a complete fool anger had supplanted his sense of humility. He was not inferior. His people were not inferior to these strange folk from a distant star.
The problem was worsened by the fact that he had committed himself in those moments of insanity. Whatever his misunderstanding of the situation, he was bound now by his own laws, traditions, and even more insurmountable, his psyche. He could not unbind himself. He could have left her. He had wanted to. He had wanted to flee from his humiliation and hide it both from himself and his peers, but his desires had been at war the moment the thought had occurred to him. He didn’t know if he could live without the female he had chosen for his mate, but he knew he didn’t want to try. He could not face the emptiness he knew would hound him forever. He would not be able to take another mate to ease his suffering. He would be alone. Forever.
Taking her with him was almost worse. His hunger for her was beginning to erode every attempt at reason and control. Despite her body’s reaction to him, on an intellectual level she was repulsed by him, seemed to find most everything about him repugnant, most notably his body’s tendency to seal his seed inside her once they’d mated--which was obviously something totally alien to her. That knowledge made self control a little easier, but only a little. He was rapidly reaching the point where he was beyond caring how she felt about it afterwards.
What bothered him most about the entire situation beyond his immediate needs was the realization that his line would end with him because of the lack of reason he had shown in choosing his mate. He knew it was likely that she was right and their races were probably incompatible for reproduction. It was almost as horrifying to think they might succeed and produce something pathetically defective as it was frustrating to realize the family he had envisioned for himself was unlikely to materialize.
It was all the more disheartening because he had been thinking, when he was able to think rationally about Elise at all, that she was a creature of such perfection that they could not help but produce physically and mentally superior offspring that would have been a source of both pride and joy to him. With that thought, he glanced toward Elise. He was almost immediately sorry he had.
She was cleaning the cooking area. The movement of her body as she wiped the table with a damp cloth caused her breasts to sway in a motion that was instantly mesmerizing. His gaze zeroed in on the undulating motion of the soft globes and his mind followed. They were soft, white and the tips puckered and erect as if a lover had caressed them. Heat immediately followed that thought and before he realized it his body responded with the blinding swiftness of arousal of more than a week of deprivation of the honeyed ecstasy he had become addicted to from the first moment of mating.
* * * *
Elise put the first flash of heat down to her labors. Boredom had driven her to find some outlet for her frustration even though the galley was hardly in need of cleaning. The warmth was followed almost immediately by the internal chemical scent she recognized and directly behind that a wave of weakness and dizziness. She didn’t dare look up for fear it would break whatever spell had captured Ja-rael’s interest and allow him to withdraw again, but she wasn’t sure of what she’d done to entice him in the first place. She hadn’t taken any particular pains with her appearance. She was wearing what she had since they’d left Tor, yet another of his robes which were virtually identical in every way.
Was it the domesticity of the situation, then?
Ignoring the growing debilitation of the drug her body produced in response to his desire, she continued what she was doing and finally nerved herself to take a quick peek at him. His eyes were glazed and focused on her breasts.
A shiver of responding desire went through her, but also a touch of surprise and behind that pleasure and a touch of amusement.
He was as fascinated by the female breasts as the vast majority of Earth males.
Her heart kicked into high gear, pumping the drug of desire through her more rapidly, sending waves of heat crashing through her that made her flesh prickle with anticipated sensations.
He shot to his feet abruptly and Elise paused in her task to look up at him quickly.
Her heart failed her when she saw the struggle he was waging with himself. She knew the very moment he shifted from intent to escape. The realization prompted her own war. She never consciously made a decision. She simply stepped back to block his path as he moved to stalk past her. They collided none too gently and he grabbed her instinctively to keep her from falling. His touch seared her, burning away the dregs of reason that remained to her.
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