He was pushing and he had to stop. He didn't want to scare her away. Not when he'd earned her trust.
"You don't even know me, Jameson. What you feel- we've been through quite a bit together. It doesn't mean it's more than that. I'm not saying I don't like you or enjoy your company, because I do. But I think you're confusing what you feel."
That hurt. Why would she say that? At one time in the back of his mind, he'd thought it, but that feeling had since dissipated as time went on. Melody had no idea what he felt, so how dare she try to pinpoint what she felt was the right answer! That wasn't fair, nor was it right!
A surge of anger ran through his veins. He'd been feeling those surges lately after not feeling them for so long. They were like a fire ready to spiral out of control, and to be honest, that scared him. Some people held their emotions in. When they came out, it was like a huge floodgate that opened and spilled everything out at once.
If that were the case with the bursts of anger, he really had to watch it.
"Then why don't you tell me about yourself? Let me in." Pushing the frustration aside, Jameson tried to be reasonable and calm. "I want to know everything there is to know about you, Melody."
"What good will it do? So it can be harder on both of us when the time comes?" She choked up, on the verge of tears. Now that wasn't what he'd meant to do. The night was supposed to be relaxing, fun, and about them. Why did he have to open his mouth and ruin it?
"How come you get to call the shots? You won't even let me in. If you're going to leave, why did we make love this morning? Are you going to tell me you don't feel the same connection as I do? Damn it, Melody. Don't keep me at arms length. I know you feel something. Unless you're a really good actress. I-"
"Don't start analyzing me! You don't know a thing. What I see from here is a man who's confused. You're not even over Avery. Don't think I don't see things from here, because I do. How could you want to start anything with me, considering that? Is that fair to me? I can't play second best to someone that you can't have. Especially if you want me to stay here. I don't have a place here."
What? Okay, now this was getting way out of hand.
"I am over Avery!" he bellowed, curling his fists at his sides. "It took some time, but I've finally been able to let go. It wasn't going to happen overnight." Why was he defending himself to her like this? He didn't have to. But then again, he'd started this. That anger surged again, swimming through his veins. Blood roared in his ears. Okay, time to calm down.
"How can you say that?" His voice came out strangled.
"I-" she shook her head. "I don't know, Jameson. I don't know where that came from. Maybe part of me wonders if I'm a replacement. The songwriting, the playing music together, it-"
"Now look who isn't being fair?" Jameson snapped. "How dare you say that without knowing? So what, we found a way to bond over music. Yes, Avery and I had that too, but again, so what? How does that make you a replacement? You don't get to analyze me either. Yes, I have had some confusion, but never has it been about my feelings toward you. I know exactly how I feel, and I like you. I care about you and I'd love to know where things would go. I'm not having rebound feelings, Melody. And I'm sure as hell not trying to replace Avery. That hurts like hell to be accused of that."
They'd been having such a nice time. How did things deteriorate so fast? All he'd wanted to do was understand. Instead, things blew up out of proportion.
"I'm sorry. We shouldn't be doing this." Before he could stop her, Melody scrambled away from him. She disappeared down the ladder and a minute later, he heard the door slam. Jameson cradled his head in his hands, wondering how things turned out like this. All he wanted to do was spend a little time with her and get to know the real Melody. Instead, he scared her off. Whatever was up with the words she said, he didn't know. How could she think he was trying to use her as a replacement? The thought never, ever crossed his mind. That accusation was one he never saw coming.
Maybe it was better this way. He couldn't keep opening his heart to someone that didn't want to stick around. Not that it did any good, because he'd already begun to care for her. Jameson sucked in a ragged breath, attempting to calm his rattled nerves. Might as well start putting everything away and going inside. The longer he stayed up here by himself, the more it reminded him how much he'd made a mess of things. He should have just let it be. Let her come to him on her own terms.
Damn it, her accusations echoed in his mind.
He packed all the food back in the bag, folded up the blankets and tossed them down. They fell on top of the other, the last one unfolding and drifted down to the wood. It took two trips, but he got everything down. The wind picked up, ushering a chill in the air that matched his mood.
Back inside, he hoped Melody would be waiting, maybe wanting to talk. No dice. Her door was closed. He tossed the blankets on the dining room chair and looked out the back window to see if Blaine's car was parked in the drive. It wasn't. Where did she run off to? Ever since the night everyone came over, Blaine had been spending a lot of time talking to Randy.
Oh well. Whatever. He opened the fridge and stuffed the food inside. After a short shower, he settled on the couch to attempt to get some sleep.
His thoughts were on Melody and the events of the night as he drifted off.
*****
Sleep eluded Melody. She hadn't even slept a half hour before jolting awake. She peeled the blankets back and hurried to the bathroom.
Why had she gone and said those things to Jameson? All he wanted to do was make her feel good and she had to ruin it. Before the words about Avery's replacement slipped from her mouth, she had honestly never thought about it. Had that been one of those subconscious thoughts that had a way of sneaking up on a person? Whatever it was, she couldn't get the wounded look on Jameson's face out of her mind.
She'd made it to the front of her door when she heard Jameson's voice. She gasped, startled, and realized that he was on the couch. She left the bathroom light on for a moment, wondering what he was still doing awake. But then he said things that didn't make sense. Talking in his sleep maybe?
Concern kept her feet planted right where they were. She couldn't get herself to move, no matter how hard she tried. She hated this unresolved fight between them, but she wasn't about to wake him up now and try to talk to him.
"No, please! I'm sorry!" Jameson cried out. He sounded terrified, his voice filled with something that resembled agony.
He must have been having a nightmare of some sort. Then came a loud thud, and another cry.
That did it. Melody hurried to his side. Jameson had fallen on the floor, but that hadn't woken him up. Damn, he must be a pretty deep sleeper! Wrapped up in a sheet, only a part of his chest was revealed, his face buried in the carpet. Melody hesitated for a second until he cried out again, this time with more urgency.
She shook his arm, crouching beside him. "Jameson, wake up! You're having a nightmare." She kept one hand on his shoulder, trying to coax him awake gently, and the other hand she combed her fingers through his blond curls. "Hey, come on."
After a few minutes he lifted his head. He blinked, turning his head to look around. "What happened?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep.
"You were having a nightmare of some sort, and then you fell. I came to check on you because I heard you, and it scared me."
He sat up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
"You don't have to be sorry. I couldn't sleep. I keep thinking about earlier, and I hate what I said to you." She took his hand and wrapped hers around it. "I'm really sorry I freaked out on you like I did."
"I don't want to be upset with you, Melody. I don't want to fight. I'm sorry I yelled and got mad."
"Jameson, this is going to sound odd, but I'm glad you were angry. Ever since I met you, it seemed like you couldn't get angry at anyone. While anger is not always good, it seemed like you held things in, and that comes with consequence. I'm noticing you're not doing that as m
uch anymore. Even though that anger was directed at me, I'm glad you aren't holding it in so much."
"It scares me a little bit," he admitted, squeezing her hand. "It hasn't been there in so long. I'm afraid the built up frustration is going to explode, and that really bothers me. There's a lot of things I feel that suddenly have an edge to them."
"Maybe that's a step in the right direction. Were you able to get angry before your dad died and you didn't resolve the issue between the two of you?" Would he even answer her questions?
He was quiet a moment before nodding. "That was the trigger. I really did fear being angry after that. I just never realized it. I took on everything with Mom by myself, even though I was hurting too. The only one I was angry at was myself. I took the blame for things with my dad, and I blamed myself for that night with Lea..." His voice trailed off. "I was surprised that night that you asked me about it, because no one had caught on to that before you. Or if they did, they just never said a thing to me." He covered her hand with his other one. "I'm still sorry for the way things turned out earlier. I didn't mean to push. I like having you in my life, and I had just wanted to know how to keep you there a little longer. Call it selfish, but I like the side of me you bring out." His lips curved into a small smile, but it faded fast. "I shouldn't have pushed. You have your reasons, and I should respect them." He trailed a finger down her cheek. The gesture sent chills down her spine.
"I still shouldn't have said what I did. To be honest, I have no idea where the hell that thought came from. I like you, Jameson. I know you are going through a lot, and it was unfair for me to throw things up in your face like that." He'd already apologized, seemed to forgive her, but the words she'd lashed out still haunted her mind. Another knot formed in the pit of her belly.
"I like you, too." Jameson covered his mouth when a yawn escaped. "Sorry."
Melody laughed. "Sleep does sound like a good idea." She stood, and held a hand out to him. He looked up at her from his place on the floor. "Come on. You need a better place to sleep than this couch." He finally took her hand and she helped him to his feet. Then he pulled her into his arms, held her tight and ran a hand up and down her back.
"I'm glad we talked just now. I hated going to bed without talking about it. I-"
Melody tilted her head to look at him. "I know, Jameson. I shouldn't have run off the way I did, especially knowing how that makes you feel. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to you, but I can't get you out of my mind. It scares me how attached to you I am, and as much as I try and push away and get that distance, it only hurts worse." She took his hand and led him to the room. Jameson flicked off the bathroom light, surrounding them in darkness.
What was she doing? Once again, going against her better judgment and keeping him close.
I am really losing it!
In more ways than one.
"Melody, I-" Jameson tried again. She cut him off with a gentle push of a finger on his lips. Her heart took over, instead of listening to the warnings her mind screamed out.
She had to be even more confused than she accused Jameson of being, and she didn't know how to handle it.
"I just want to hold you. I want to be near you," she whispered. "I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and you are the one that keeps me together. I don't know why, or how, but that's just what it is. And I can't get earlier out of my mind. I feel so terrible. Don't leave me alone, please." Which was the truth. The words she said couldn't be taken back, no matter the amount of wishing. It wasn't going to happen. They were there.
"I won't leave you alone." Jameson held her. "Melody, I don't know what's going on with us, but I can tell you I care about you. I don't know what I did for you to trust me and then say the things you did, but I'd like to figure this out. I want to know you."
She wanted to know Jameson. And wanted him to know her.
What was she going to do now?
"I can keep apologizing over what I said, but it doesn't take the words back. I hate that, I do. I don't know where I'd be without your help and support. You took a chance on me when I didn't deserve it and I'll never forget that."
"You sound as if you're already planning on leaving now." The hurt in his tone tore her up.
Melody shook her head. "I'm not. I have to find a way to contact the person I was supposed to meet. Everything got off track that night." Part of me is glad. I'm here with you, and though that scares me, I want to be here.
Jameson climbed into bed beside her, holding his arms open for her to get closer. "Let me in, Melody," were his last words of the night. "Just let me keep you safe."
Chapter Sixteen
Nothing had been the same since that night. The gaping distance between Jameson and Melody bothered him, and there wasn't anything he could do about it. Two days had passed since that argument, and even though they both put their anger to bed, things had changed. They could joke and laugh, sit down together, but it was like they both ignored burning questions he knew they had. Today wasn't any different. They ate breakfast together, but he could tell the conversation was forced.
"Jameson, I want to give you some money. For room and board."
Caught off guard, Jameson put down the forkful of food he had been about to put into his mouth. "You don't need to do that." That conversation had never come up about her having to pay anything. He'd never put any thought into the idea.
She set her jaw and her stare was firm. "I know that, but I'd like to help. You've been driving me around and letting me stay here. The least I can do is give something back. I don't like having to rely on anyone, and I feel I've been doing that heavily."
He could argue the point, but he'd learned that Melody had a stubborn streak just as bad as his own. "Okay." He lifted his shoulders.
There went the silence again. Argh! When would things get back to normal, if ever?
After breakfast, he muddled through the tension and busied himself with the dishes when his phone rang. At the same time, Blaine entered the kitchen, her hair a mess and half awake. She nodded a hello at him. Focusing on the phone, Jameson answered. "Hello?"
"What do you say we get your truck fixed today?" Lucas asked.
"I'd say I think that's a good idea."
"Good. Sorry to have taken so long. Everything has been a little crazy, and it only gets worse."
Jameson had no idea what he meant by that. Was everything okay? Realization hit him that he hadn't heard much from Lucas or Avery in a few days. But then, his mind had been preoccupied with other things. Melody. His mom and her on going rehab progress. Tomorrow, he had to go down to the facility with Blaine for family counseling. Apparently, it was part of the process. That would be interesting. If it helped out, he wasn't going to decline.
"Do you want me to head over there in awhile then, and we go figure it out?" Jameson asked, finishing the last of the dishes.
"Works for me."
"Is that Avery?" Blaine asked, reaching for the phone. "I wanna talk to her."
"No, it's Lucas," Jameson said, rolling his eyes as he backed away from his sister's outstretched hand. Wasn't that a little like old times? When they were younger, Blaine would jump on the phone and hog the conversations with Avery. He chuckled at the thought.
"I can get Avery on the phone if your sister wants to talk to her," Lucas offered.
"Yeah, that's fine." Jameson covered the mouthpiece. "Luke's going to get Avery for you, phone hog," he teased.
Blaine swatted his arm and laughed. "Thanks."
"Blaine? What's up?" Avery's soft voice came over the line.
"Not Blaine yet, Baby Stetson. It's still me."
"Hi Me. I thought I was me, and you were you."
"Anybody ever tell you that you're weird?" Jameson shot back playfully.
A slight pause. "Hmm. No. I don't think so. Put your sister on the phone, brat," she commanded with a laugh.
"Well fine, I didn't feel like talking to you either," Jameson shot back and handed the phone to Blaine. "Li
ke old times." He smiled when she took the phone and started blabbing to Avery. Jameson headed down the hall to throw on a shirt. He bumped into Melody as she was coming out of the room. "Whoa. Sorry."
"That's all right," she said softly, meeting his eyes. He had to keep himself from brushing his hand across her skin and planting a kiss on her cheek.
"What are your plans for the day? Are you working?"
She shook her head. "I'm off again. I've got to find a way to do some shopping."
Damn. Off on the same day. Too bad he had so many things to do. It would have been nice to sit down and spend more time with her, maybe try and sort some of the tension out. Maybe later. Somehow, he had to find a way to get her to let him back in. He missed the laughter, the music, the bonding.
"You can go with me and Avery," Blaine said, coming up behind them. "I don't mean to barge in on your conversation. I need a little girl time, so that's why I figured I'd see what Avery was up to. I'm sure she won't mind if you came along, and shopping? Well, that's one of my favorite things to do, and I haven't gone shopping with friends in awhile. Can I steal her away from you, Jameson?"
Melody's cheeks turned red and she looked away from him. "Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure. You can ride with me. We'll go pick up Avery and have some fun. What do you say?" Blaine sounded excited.
"Why not go in one vehicle then?" Jameson texted Lucas to see if he wanted to drive the car or the truck. Lucas responded quickly and told him to ride with the women, and the two of them could take the truck.
Twenty minutes later, they were parked in front of Avery and Lucas's house. The two of them were sitting on the porch. Jameson climbed out of the car to met Lucas. "See you two later." He waved back at his sister and Melody. Avery eased up off the swing. Jameson reached for a hug. "Hey, you." He smiled. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I'm being stepped on in certain areas." She grumbled with a laugh. "Oh, wait. Maybe it's because I am. I'll see you later."
"Be careful, Avery," Lucas warned, coming up behind her.
"I will. You too." They shared a look before Avery turned to go to the car.
The Melody In My Head (Love and Music in Texas Book 2) Page 18