Finding You

by Danielle Ryan

  Reassured, my father goes home, while Valentina and I decide to take a walk. We will catch a cab back home later.

  Abruptly I ask her. “Will it pass?”

  “It passes each time.”

  I don’t need to explain to her. She immediately understands I am talking about the same nightmare she has. Fear of experiencing again, without warning, that extreme sense of terror and loss of control. “Fear of feeling that fear again.” This is the way she describes it.

  “If you learn how to deal with it, how to overcome it, you will feel stronger, and it will happen less and less. And you, James Spencer, are strong.”

  “Did you call me Jamie before or am I mistaken?” She bites her lip.

  “I like it.” She smiles slightly. “Pronounced by you, it has a really nice sound.”

  I move her hair behind her ears. “I love you. Sorry if I have realized this so late.”

  “I love you too, Jamie. But there is a difference. I immediately realized it.” She smiles. “You must accept this: we, women, are always a step ahead of men.” Having said that, she precedes me on our walk. I burst into laughter.

  *

  The family doctor suggested I rest for a week. I assume my father told him about my extreme reaction to the sound of a wine glass breaking at dinner.

  Harrison goes to the office in the morning, but in the afternoon she is completely devoted to me. She has deprived Nancy of her power in the kitchen. In the evening I find myself watching her preparing dinner and telling me about her day. These are small things which represent love. She helped me understand that. I smile, remembering that everything started with half a packet of sugar in my espresso.

  On Sunday, after a long stroll through Central Park, I decide I can go back to work. Tina is on the couch answering emails on her lap top.

  “Jamie?” I love it when she calls me this. In fact I asked her to do it more often. “Do you have a USB drive? I need to transfer some of my files onto Natalie’s computer.”

  I look in every drawer, but no trace of any USB drive.

  “No, unfortunately they are all at the office. Sometimes I scatter them around. Check the bag I had in Boston.”

  She stands up and disappears. After fifteen minutes she’s back.

  “Did you find it?” I ask.

  “More or less. I didn’t find one in your bag, but I remembered that when I was packing to come to New York, this dropped out of a pocket. It was the jacket I was wearing when I met you for the first time.” She’s showing me a USB drive shaped like Sylvester the Cat.

  Suddenly, a few minutes later I begin to hear panting, cursing and screams of pleasure. I start to laugh. “So, you are pretending to work while watching a porno movie! Without me?”

  But my smile disappears, when I see her astonished face. I stand up and look at the screen. Holy Christ! I can clearly see Calligaris’s face while he is banging a woman on a desk. The woman’s face is covered by his body and is not visible.

  “It’s Susan’s office!” Valentina exclaims. “Calligaris and Susan. Of course! Now I understand the condoms I found in her drawer. I didn’t know they were having an affair.”

  I take her laptop and begin to look at all those files.

  “Shit! Here is the archive of emails between Calligaris and a so-called Sue. There are also Excel sheets with money amounts and share percentages. Tina, how the hell did you find this USB drive?”

  “It was mine. Someone gave it to me a long time ago. I thought I had lost it until I cleaned up Susan’s office before you arrived. I found it in a drawer and remembered I had lent it to her a while ago. I thought she simply forgot to give it back to me. I took the USB drive home and completely forgot about it until it dropped out of that pocket.”

  “Did you find anything else in Susan’s drawer?”

  “Yes. This small key was attached to the USB drive. It was similar to the other file cabinet keys at your office, but this didn’t fit any of the locks.”

  I look closely at the small key and notice something. I bring it under the lamp and I see an irregular ‘C’.

  “It seems like someone tried to carve a ‘C’ on it with a knife, perhaps to differentiate it from the other keys.”

  “Do you think it’s the key to Calligaris’s file cabinet? Oh my god, James… Does it mean Claudio and Susan are accomplices?”

  “I don’t know. I think we should send everything to Vic. He will sort all this out and will teach that bastard a lesson!” I check my watch. In Italy it is the middle of the night. “I will call him tomorrow. I will back-up all of the data and will keep the original USB drive.” I look at her and add. “Hey, Tina! You didn’t know, or even imagine what this drive contained, so don’t feel guilty, please.”

  *

  The following morning I wake up early and immediately start to read the emails between Calligaris and the mysterious Sue. In some of them they talk about a so-called J.S. Here I am! They already knew about my arrival and in one of his emails Calligaris states, I was stealing the position intended for him. Their first email was dated the twentieth of September. The bastards were organizing everything for months. I wonder why Susan kept all these records. Naïve? No, on the contrary I think she was showing foresight. She probably suspected that Calligaris might double-cross her. Of course! This is the reason they ransacked our offices creating that unbelievable mess. They were looking for these files. The question is: was Susan trying to blackmail Calligaris or was he trying to eliminate every trace of evidence?

  I call Vic and, while on the phone with him, I forward all the files to his private email address. As I begin to tell him what I discovered, he seems not to believe my story. Then, when he receives the evidence, he starts to yell so loud that the earth trembles. We agree that he should discreetly investigate and update me by the end of this week. I can hear the deep disappointment in his voice. He had great expectations for his lawyer, Calligaris.

  *

  I’m back at work. It feels good after Boston. Returning to my office gives me a sense of normality. My colleagues are all very kind. Perhaps they have always been this way. The office is the same, the people are the same, I am the one who has a different perception of everything. I feel different.

  The project is moving ahead, though some revisions have been requested by the government to the initial proposal. My father’s assistants are helping Global Media, so we are working in a very efficient way.

  On Wednesday Matt announces that he wants to celebrate his thirty-fourth birthday at Fire. I haven’t been back there since that unpleasant meeting with Eva. Thank god Matt has realized a relationship with Eva won’t work. Now Natalie is in his radar! She decided to woo him and eventually Matt became interested in her. Honestly, I am not sure who is the lesser evil, Eva or Natalie. After my recent episodes, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to spend time in a crowded and loud place like Fire. Yet Valentina asks me, “Do you want to go?” Instinctively my answer would be no, but I don’t want my experience in Boston to paralyze my life.

  So, Friday evening I am ready, wearing jeans and a striped shirt waiting for Valentina who is still locked in the bathroom. Finally she appears in a smashing electric blue dress. It’s a strapless bustier with a short wavy skirt. “Is it too short?” She asks.

  “You are beautiful! I need to get used to the length of your dress. Well, it would distract me from my panic attacks—” I laugh.

  We get out of the taxi and enter Fire, crowded as usual. I see Matt in the distance surrounded by the usual suspects. I hold Harrison’s hand. I am a little annoyed when I realize how many men are looking at her. Instinctively I hold her close in my arms. I don’t think anybody has ever seen me here before with this attitude towards a woman. I don’t care. I just feel comfortable with her. Immersed in my thoughts, suddenly I feel her body tighten. She saw Eva, wrapped in a short golden dress. I whisper in her ear does she want to dance. I lead her to the dance floor. I see only her, her eyes and her body. She moves sensu
ally with the rhythm of the music. I want to kiss her. I pull her closer to me because I want to feel her body next to mine. I am still in a state of wonder, when I realize that one and the same woman, can excite me in different ways every time. I move away just enough for her to read my lips when I mouth “I love you.” She smiles and buries her face on my shoulder. When we are ready for another drink we join Matthew and his group. Eva is with them now. When I turn, Tina has disappeared.

  Eva is staring at me: “Hi James, how are you?”

  “Fine, and you?” I answer, looking around for Harrison.

  There are so many people. Too crowded. I don’t see Tina. Eva is saying something which I can’t hear. The music seems much louder now. I keep looking for her, but it’s too dark. If something happened in this place, it would be chaos. I must find Harrison. But Eva grabs my arm and stops me. I catch my breath. Then someone takes my hand. Here she is. I feel her warm touch.

  “Sorry. I had to go to the bathroom!” She screams to be heard above the loud music.

  I can breathe again. It’s passing. Tina looks at me and understands. She squeezes my hand.

  Eva is still there, in front of us. “Eva, I’m not sure I introduced you to my fiancée.” She frowns and doesn’t move. “Valentina, this is Eva. I think you met at my father’s dinner.”

  Valentina extends her hand. “Yes, nobody introduced us. We exchanged a few words in the ladies room, I think… Nice to meet you, Eva.”

  Eva quickly shakes her hand and leaves. She literally flees.

  Tina is looking at me. “Fiancée? Isn’t that a bit of an exaggeration? Was that the final blow?”

  I think and re-think what she said… Then I kiss her forehead.

  Chapter 33

  Valentina

  It’s Sunday at the end of April and I remember it’s Emma’s birthday. I decide to call her.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Emma. This is Tina, how are you?”

  “Oh, hi! What’s going on? Why did you call me?”

  “Silly question, Emma! I called to wish you a happy birthday!”

  “Thank you! Very kind of you… How things are going in New York?”

  “Well. Very well. I am learning a lot. It’s a different reality here.” I don’t want to tell her about James, so I remain vague. “And what about the agency? Any news?” I would like to know without asking, if La Blanche already threw Calligaris out.

  “No, everything is the same. No news.” She answers.

  What? Didn’t they fire that traitor yet? “And Calligaris?” I ask.

  “Tina, why do you ask? You are in New York with Spencer, why do you care about Cla… Calligaris?” She seems irritated.

  “Nothing… It was just to talk.”

  “Umm… Anyway, I don’t see him much. I am working with La Blanche’s secretarial team now.”

  Oh boy! One has to be very competent to work directly for the CEO and honestly Emma is not. “Congratulations, Emma! Now I must go. Again a million best wishes for your birthday!”

  “Thanks.” She replies. Just thanks? She sounds really weird.

  When I tell James about my conversation with Emma, he reassures me saying that tomorrow he will speak to La Blanche.

  Today we are going to his father’s house for lunch. He lives outside New York among beautiful trees in a villa that looks to me like Tara from Gone with the Wind. It is an old mansion, perfectly preserved and with period antique furniture. I feel ill at ease before all this. The wide staircase is all marble and Mark Spencer is waiting for us at the top, smiling. He embraces me warmly. Since that dinner together, he treats me like a member of his family.

  After lunch, driving home I express my worries to James about his father.

  “I noticed that at some point, while we were just talking, he suddenly became sad. He seemed to struggle to have a conversation after that… Did you notice it?”

  “I don’t know. Perhaps he thought of something—” He’s avoiding my eyes. “Maybe you reminded him of my mother. The first night you wished me good night in Italy I dreamed of my mother. Only later I understood why. You have the same Italian-English accent and the same tone of voice.”

  My tender Jamie. I lean my head on his shoulder.

  *

  Monday morning, as soon as he arrives at Global Media, James calls La Blanche. He tries several times, on his cell phone and on the office number and nobody seems to know where Vic is. Finally he calls him at home and after several rings he answers. James begins to lose his temper. The telephone call becomes a series of curses and yelling. James is deeply upset. He hangs up.

  “Fuck! Vic is in trouble. He didn’t want to explain the details to me, but I think he had a confrontation with Calligaris. That bastard called someone, I’m not sure who, and so the agency’s board of directors suspended Vic from his CEO position. Next Monday both of them will have to explain the facts and clarify their positions to the internal commission.”

  “But has La Blanche at least denounced Calligaris as Susan’s accomplice?” I ask.

  “He wasn’t clear. He has an appointment with his lawyer. We agreed we will talk later.” He looks at me but immediately lowers his eyes. “I wonder if he avoided the details because my name also appears in some of those files. However, it is certain that Victor’s email account has been observed for a long time. Probably his personal account too.”

  “Can we do something to help him? Why don’t we send those files and the video to Vic’s lawyer?”

  James shakes his head. “No, Tina. I think it’s better to wait until Vic calls. After he explains to us more clearly what’s going on, we’ll decide what to do next. At the moment I really don’t understand what’s happened. I will try to call my father to see if he has some more information.”

  I go back to work, while James tries to reach Mark. Eventually he finds him and tells me his father is waiting for him at his office. He puts on his coat and rushes out.

  A few hours later, when he returns, his face is a mask of anger.

  “Did you learn something?” I ask, following him to his office. He stares out of the window with his back to me.

  “My father spoke to Victor. He has been suspended because he physically attacked Calligaris.”

  “Oh Jesus! Perhaps La Blanche’s reaction has been extreme, yet it’s very understandable. After all he always trusted Claudio. Calligaris owes his successful career to Victor. I’m sure La Blanche felt betrayed.”

  “That’s not all—” Finally he turns and I can’t define his expression. “Calligaris, that bastard, said the woman in the video is you!”

  “What?” I scream.

  “He also added that those emails, addressed to Sue, actually were for you and that, as Susan’s assistant, you had complete access to all her email accounts.”

  “That son of—” I stop because a sudden thought has come to my mind. “I trust you don’t believe any of these lies!”

  “Of course, not! But—” He looks down.

  “But?” I whisper.

  “Well, you remember that I too at the beginning thought there was something between you and Calligaris… until you clarified it with me.” He’s now looking at me.

  “Are you telling me that even for a second you thought that woman in the video could be me?”

  He moves towards me and I walk backwards. “No! I mean, I watched that video again and the woman is not visible… She could be any—”

  “I can’t believe this. Fuck you, James!”

  This is really too much. I rush out of the office. I hear him calling me back, but I am already in the elevator.

  When I enter the apartment I explode with rage and resentment. I run into my bedroom and start to throw clothes in my bag. I just want to get as far away as possible from him. After all we have lived through together, after what we have shared, words and intimacy…I can’t believe this is really happening! I don’t recognize him. It seems we are back to the time in Milan, when I met that egocentric, arroga
nt stranger.

  I hear the door slam and someone yelling my name.

  “Harrison, I swear, if you run out like this again, I don’t know what I might do. Do you understand?”

  He rushes towards me and reaches me in two strides. I step back into the wall and lean against it. He brings his arms up over my head, palms on the wall, trapping me. I am too furious to look at him, so I refuse to meet his gaze while he speaks.

  “Just the thought that you could have been with him drives me crazy!”

  Staring into his eyes, I say: “And the thought that you can believe his lies drives me crazy!”

  Feeling stronger with rage, I try to push him away. But he’s stronger. Keeping me still, he softens his voice.

  “Just your touch made my anger and fear vanish. I was convinced that love didn’t exist and you have shown me I was wrong. I didn’t love you at first sight, but I knew I needed you, right away. I love you now and don’t want to live without you. Forgive me.”

  Those words melt me. I reach up to caress his hair, but he stops me by taking my hands and pressing them against the wall. He stares at me while brushing his lips over my mouth. He crosses my wrists over my head and holds them firmly with one hand, and with the other he strokes my neck, moving down to my breasts. I am shaking, as his hand continues down to my waist, unbuttoning my skirt. It falls softly to the ground. He touches my thighs, while his tongue is playing with my neck and ear. His hand slides under my leg and pulls it up. I’m excited and feel his excitement, but I can’t move. I want him so much. He lifts the edge of my panties and his fingers slip inside me. Gently, but firmly. He moves out to caress my thighs and his fingers return searching around and inside me. I can’t stay still any more. I try to move my arms and free my wrists, but at each attempt, he holds me more tightly. His fingers continue this yearning torture. I hear the sound of his zipper. I know he can’t wait any longer. I lift my other leg around his waist. He frees my hands and bringing his fingers out, he penetrates me. I have my hands on his shoulders and he’s holding my hips moving them up and down. The rhythm becomes faster and our breathing is quick and heavy. I feel my heart beating throughout my body. He leans in closer and places his forehead on mine. Breathless he whispers, “I adore you.” One last thrust and we are lost in our ecstasy.