by Nhys Glover
His body still shook with the uncontrollable passion he’d felt when he kissed Brennwen. It had been like a fire that exploded into life, flames shooting into the sky, raging and burning everything in its path. Never in all his nearly thirty years had he felt anything like it.
And the fact that he hadn’t felt that way about Calidia, his dear, sweet Calidia, the woman who had given her life to provide his dearest wish, had been what drove him from the pale woman’s arms. He shouldn’t feel that way about a girl he’d only known a few days. He shouldn’t feel out of his mind with desire for her when his son was in the hands of his enemies, suffering who-knew-what as he waited for his father to find him.
Instead of spending every moment of his waking day thinking about how to save his son, Gaius’ mind had become preoccupied with every gesture and expression that crossed Brennwen’s face. His eyes returned to her over and over again as if they couldn’t get enough of the sight of her.
Why he felt this way, he had no idea. It wasn’t as if she was beautiful in the way his sweet Calidia had been beautiful. Many people might even call her ugly because of that deathly white skin and hair. Even her brows and eyelashes were white. When she blushed, as she had earlier, she had become red and blotchy. No, not beautiful at all.
And yet her serious, sensitive, overly-expressive face held an appeal he couldn’t deny. She was an exotic, winter creature, pristine and silent as newly fallen snow on an empty moor. But when she smiled, as she did at rare, wonderful moments, it was like the sun broke through the clouds and set the snow to sparkling. She became luminescent.
It was wrong. It went against every instinct within him. Yet the feelings she drew from him were potent and barely controllable.
Feelings that were a betrayal of all he held dear.
They had to stop. He had to remain focused. She was a damaged creature far beneath him. Her only purpose was to find his son. Once that was done, she would go away, go back to her old life.
Even as he thought that, he knew there was no life for her to go back to. Her druid was dead. There was a master who still owned her somewhere in the South. But that man had raped the child she had been and then set his friends onto her to hide his infidelity from his wife. That was all she had to go back to when all this was over. When he had Cal back.
Unless…
But he was getting ahead of himself. The passing thought that she could be Cal’s nurse had been impetuous and unrealistic, especially now that he lusted after her. He could never install her in his home as his son’s nurse while he made a bedslave of her at night. What would happen when he remarried, as he would have to do one day? He would be forced to do as his father had done – leave her bed and watch her form an attachment with someone else on his estate. That thought drove him to distraction.
No. Thinking of any of that was wrong. Her future, his future, none of that mattered right now. Only one thing mattered. Calidius. His little Cal. The child he had kept at arm’s reach in the last few weeks because of the melancholy eating away at his soul.
His child had needed him and he had put a door between them. Cal had wanted to show him Jax’s puppies. He had been too busy. Too busy doing work for the governor that was not even his to do. He had Cal’s estate to manage. His paterfamilias to oversee. Instead, he built himself up by being indispensable to a provincial governor, in the hope…
In the hope of what? Being someone? Having recognition? Not glory. He would never have glory. That was reserved for warriors, not scribes and administrators.
Honour? Did he hope for honour? An honourable man cared for his family and his slaves. An honourable man knew where his first loyalties lay. Not chasing prestige. Not leaving it to slaves to care for his son, to protect his son… Slaves, who ultimately died doing his job for him.
Gaius realised with the rational part of his mind that Cal’s abduction wouldn’t have been hindered if he’d been more present in his son’s life in the last few weeks. The men who’d taken him would have been watching him and his child closely, deciding when the best time might be to make their move. If he’d been with Cal more often he would have made their job a little harder, but not impossible.
So, he couldn’t have stopped Cal’s abduction by being there more often, but he could have made sure his son knew he was the most important thing in his father’s life.
If he knew that, Cal might handle his abduction more easily. Instead, he must doubt his father was even looking for him. After all, he was a busy man. The proconsul depended on him. His pater couldn’t even spare him a few precious moments to look at puppies. Why would his child think Gaius would take time out of his busy schedule to go looking for him?
Look at him! Instead of spending every waking moment focused on his son, he’d lain on a horse blanket in the spring sunshine kissing a woman who drove all other thoughts from his mind. A woman who, even now, drew his gaze to her and made him wonder what she was thinking, what she was feeling about those moments on the blanket. Did she wonder what tonight might hold for them? Did she hope he would kiss her like that again when they curled up together beside a fire in the forest?
Maybe they should take shelter in one of the small hamlets they passed. That way he could sleep alone. Maybe he’d actually sleep. But even as he considered such a possibility, another part of him wanted to be alone with Brennwen, without prying eyes, without society providing a bulwark to his desires.
When the horses began to pant from the pace he set, he pulled them up, looking for a likely place to spend the fast-approaching night. Tired horses miss-stepped. He couldn’t afford injures. Pushing forward when his son couldn’t possibly have got this far north so quickly was irrational and counterproductive.
He threw himself from his horse, tied it to a nearby bush, and began removing the gear from its back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Brennwen trying to do the same. It was harder for her. She was so tiny compared to the cavalry mount she rode, but she struggled to carry out her tasks without complaint.
While he watered the horses in the nearby river, gathered firewood, and started a blaze, Brennwen arranged their possessions for the night and brought out the remnants of the food provided for them that morning at the fort.
They hadn’t spoken a word since midday, and the silence was becoming painfully uncomfortable. No matter how often he tried to drive the thoughts away, he circled back to considering how they would sleep tonight. He now knew how she felt pressed to his side, standing, sitting and reclining. Her small body had become almost a part of his in the long days since he met her. When she wasn’t next to him, he felt as if something was missing.
It was insanity to feel that way.
‘I’ll sleep on one side of the fire and you can have the other,’ he said as he noticed she’d put their bedding together.
‘We can’t stay warm that way. The fire won’t last the night.’ Her words were stiff and she didn’t look up at him as she cleared away their meagre meal.
‘I’ll keep the fire burning warmly. Someone needs to stand guard.’
This time she did look up, and her eyes shot daggers at him. ‘You haven’t slept in two nights. What good will you be to us without sleep? This is not the wilds of the moors. There are no wolves to worry about here. But a fire will attract the attention of two-legged dangers, so it’s better doused. We both need to sleep and keep warm, and that we can only do together. I don’t know why you have suddenly decided to reject me but – ’
‘Why must this always be about you?’ he cut in furiously. ‘Why must you see it as rejection because I want to focus on my son’s abduction? Because I don’t want to tarry in the sunshine, sharing kisses with you when my child’s life is in danger?’
He wished he could call back the words as soon as they left his mouth. Hitting her would have caused her less pain. Brennwen’s bottom lip trembled until she bit down on it viciously with her white teeth. Her silver eyes pooled with unshed tears.
‘Sleep is what your son needs
from you now. And you won’t sleep if you’re cold. The fire needs to be doused and we need to keep warm,’ she repeated softly, her voice devoid of emotion.
Gaius knew she was right. Hadn’t he spent nights on the road before, kept from sleep by the cold? But having her so close would only keep sleep away for other reasons. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.
‘Very well, but there will be no gratitude shown tonight. I need to sleep, as you so accurately observed.’
Oddly, as soon as they were cocooned together under their shared bedding, warm and comfortable, for all the hard ground, he felt himself relax. Before he realised it, he was fast asleep.
Brennwen lay enveloped by her eagle, listening to his heavy, slow breaths. It wasn’t quite snoring, that sound close to her ear, and wasn’t what kept her awake. In fact, she found the sound strangely soothing. It reminded her that she wasn’t alone, that there was another being close by who protected her, even in sleep. And for all their discord, she knew that he would protect her with his life.
No, what kept her from her sleep was Gaius’ angry words. When he accused her of seeing his rejection as a self-centred thing, it had cut her to the quick. Because that was exactly what it had been – self-centred. Throughout the afternoon, her thoughts had circled around and around those kisses by the river and the reason for their sudden end. It was as if she’d forgotten about Cal entirely, while she focused on her confusion and hurt feelings. For the first time in her life, she wanted a man, and that wanting had driven all else from her head. Even her son.
She deserved Gaius’ scathing dressing-down. She deserved his rejection. She had no right to want anything from this man. To him, she was nobody, a pale slave who served his purpose. That was all. There could never be anything more than that between them, even if Cal was safely returned to him.
Though her heart hurt, she faced the reality of their situation in the way she’d always face the unpalatable realities of life – full on and untarnished by false hope. The reality was, she couldn’t have this nobleman, even for one night. He was so far out of her reach it was ludicrous to even daydream about such a possibility.
Heart-ache. That was all he could give her. And she had more than enough of that in her life already. The sooner she accepted the situation, the sooner she could focus on what was important. The only thing that was important: Cal.
With a soul-deep sigh, she forced her lids closed and began to relax her breathing. Over many years of sleeplessness, fearing her dreams, she had learned to draw sleep to her by focusing on her breaths. Tonight, she needed that process more than usual. Tonight, she needed to sleep deeply so she could seek out Cal in that other world and ensure herself of his continued well-being.
Because Cal was all that mattered.
Cal was sleeping more than he was awake. He was tired all the time. He managed to swallow down a little of the food his captors gave him, but not enough to silence his rumbling stomach. At least he’d learned to keep food down.
After that first night, things had seemed easier to bear. In his dream, his mother had come to him, telling him that she and Pater were coming for him. That had made the endless, uncomfortable days wedged between the stinking warrior and his horse’s sweating neck a little less traumatic. It kept at bay the worries that he was becoming more and more lost, never to be found.
Being brave for someone else was a lot better than trying to be brave just for himself. Mater had told him to be brave, and so he would be, for her. Until she came for him. Until his father was there, pulling him into his arms for a bear hug.
Last night, his dreams had been filled with fear. He ran and ran from his abductors, but could never get away. No one had come to save him. No one. But tonight he hoped he’d see his mother again. He needed to see her. How could he stay brave, as she asked of him, if she didn’t see him doing it?
As his eyelids drooped and he fell once more into an uneasy sleep, his prayers were answered. The soft white hand stroked the side of his face; the colourless, loving eyes stared down at him as if he was the most beautiful thing in the world. When her pale lips curved up at their edges into a caring smile, he felt his heart leap. She was still here… still watching over him. He wasn’t so lost that she couldn’t find him.
‘We’re ahead of you now, my darling boy,’ she told him in that whispery voice he now recognised so well. ‘We’ve reached the place they’re taking you. Once you’re here, we’ll come for you. Be strong and brave. Don’t give up hope. Your father is desperate to find you. He’ll do anything to get you back. Help him by being brave and strong. Will you do that?’
He nodded, enjoying the feel of her soft skin against his face. She smelled of lavender and herbs. That was something he’d never noticed before at the temple. There, incense had always covered all other smells. But out here, with the musty scent of forest mulch all around him, her scent was clear and obvious.
‘Not long now… Hold on a little longer. Not long now…’
Brennwen jerked awake to find the first rays of sunlight tingeing the moors. At her side, Gaius also jerked awake, his arm tightening around her.
‘What?’ His voice was croaky with sleep.
‘A dream. Only a dream. He’s well. Cal is well. He knows we’re coming.’ He loosened his grip and brushed a kiss against her mussed hair. ‘Good, that’s good.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
14 April 86 CE
It was easier between them that day. The dream had comforted them both enough to put aside their issues. By mid-afternoon, Brennwen recognised her surroundings and realised they’d finally reached her old home.
Her little village seemed smaller and cruder than she remembered. The cluster of round houses was now surrounded by a dilapidated wooden wall that couldn’t have kept a rabbit out, no less an enemy. The thatch on the roofs was old, mouldy and long overdue for replacement. A few skinny children dressed in rags played half-heartedly in the dirt outside the hovels.
‘This is where you come from?’ Gaius asked, his voice revealing his shock.
‘Yes. See there,’ she pointed to the last dwelling on the edge of the cluster. ‘That was my home. If you stay here with the horses, out of the way, I’ll go and find my mother. I’m sure she’ll help us.’
Gaius nodded, unconvinced. But when she slid from the back of her horse and headed into the village, he made no move to stop her.
From somewhere came the sound of chopping wood, but all else was silent. It was as if the village was the domain of ghosts. If not for the curious glances the children threw her way, she would have feared to enter the place.
At her old home, she called out. The flap that covered the door was immediately lifted and a scrawny woman in her early twenties peered out at her.
‘I am looking for Gludwen,’ Brennwen said more loudly than she’d meant.
‘Dead. Who’re you?’
‘Dead? How? When?’ Shock made her voice wobble.
‘’Usband did it, didn’ ‘e. Got drunk an’ did ‘er in two summers gone. I know you. Yer that bad luck girl of ‘ers. What yer doin’ back ‘ere? Ain’t yer brung enuff ‘arm on us, o’ready?’
Brennwen tried to find words to answer the woman, but no thoughts formed in her head. All she saw was the image of her mother, beaten once too often, sprawled on the hard-packed earth of this hovel. Her heart cried out in shock and pain, and she desperately turned to where Gaius stood, some thirty paces away, seeking solace from the sight of him.
At that moment, a commotion started up a few huts further into the village. A familiar, massive figure appeared on the street, lurching toward her, tall and still commanding, even when he was clearly under the influence of strong ale.
Her father. Her mother’s murderer. Her murderer, had she not been sold. Never had she been as grateful for the fates that had taken her away from this place as she was now.
Even though she sent a message to her feet to move, to back away from the approaching monster, back to the safety
of Gaius’ presence, her feet refused to budge. Instead, she stood her ground, watching with bemused interest as the man she had feared every day of her childhood came closer and closer.
‘It is yer. I didn’t believe it when Kruen said who wuz back. What yer doin’ ‘ere girl? Bringin’ more trouble wi’ yer?’ His voice was rougher than she remembered, more guttural, and his thick lips were swollen, as if bitten by a swarm of bees. His puffy eyes were bloodshot and wild like a crazed bull’s.
Fear streaked through her like lightning.
When his hand shot out to grab her hair, she didn’t even whimper. In that moment, she was a child again, awaiting the punishment this huge man would mete out to her for some infraction she’d committed. Had she drawn too much attention to herself in the village? Had people blamed her for the death of a lamb or the bad crop yield? It didn’t matter what it was, the result was always the same.
The sharp yank to her scalp made her bite her lip, holding back the pain. She would allow herself no opportunity to voice her agony, not now, not ever.
‘Ho, you! Let go of the girl,’ Gaius yelled, the sound of his fast approaching footsteps crunching on the gravelled dirt left her light-headed with relief. She wasn’t a little girl, alone and unprotected, anymore.
‘Wots it to yer, Roman? Get outta ‘ere ‘for I lose ma temper an’ throw yer out.’
Trying to move her head to see her companion was impossible. The cruel grip on her hair kept her neck arched back at an awkward angle. All she could see was the underside of the bloated face covered with a scraggy, greying beard.
She heard steel sliding from its sheath and felt her father stiffen. But his hold on her didn’t loosen. If it was possible, it seemed to increase.