His lungs shuddered. “I know. I know. But I—”
Her forehead met his, holding it up, holding him up. “No. No buts. That’s all you have to think about.”
See? her tone whispered. Easy.
With three deep breaths, Carter’s pulse slowed. Focusing on her fingers drawing circles on his skin, he managed to sit up a little straighter. He had to get a grip. He couldn’t allow his fear to be the first thing Kat’s grandmother would see. No way.
He moved forward, capturing Kat’s lips. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Are you okay now?”
He dropped his gaze to the floor of the car. “Just don’t leave me, okay?”
“I won’t,” Kat said fervently, dismissing his neediness as quickly as he offered it. “Come on.”
Before Carter could stop her, she was getting out of the car and bouncing excitedly around the hood.
“Here goes fuckin’ nothing.” Carter opened the car door and got out.
He shut the car door and pushed his hands into his pockets against the cold air and the sudden, colder memories of his own mother’s house, the foreboding that settled in his bones every time he was dropped off at the front door and the look on her face when she opened it, regretful and inconvenienced. Christ, he’d just been a kid, scared shitless and alone. He swallowed and fought the memories back. They were soon forgotten when the front door opened and a huge black-and-white dog came bounding out, tongue flopping and tail wagging.
· · ·
“Reggie!” Kat squealed and crouched down to him. He whined and barked in happiness.
She rubbed the mutt’s belly until his back legs were scratching and kicking up like a lunatic. “I missed you, too,” she cooed.
“Kat!”
She looked up to see Nana Boo, dressed in a huge parka and mittens, hurrying from the door, looking as wonderful as she always did. Trevor, her help, followed with a warm smile.
“Nana,” Kat breathed, instantly at peace. She stood and allowed her grandmother to envelop her in one of her hugs.
“Angel.” Nana Boo smiled into Kat’s hair. “It’s so wonderful to see you.”
“You too.”
Kat kissed her cheek before she pulled back. She glanced toward Carter shifting on his feet and rounding his shoulders in defense. She immediately grabbed his hand and pulled him with her. His grip on her hand was painful, but she would have taken all he had to ensure he was protected and comfortable.
“Nana,” Kat said with a dip of her chin, “this is Carter. He’s my . . . Wes.”
Carter’s head almost toppled off his neck he looked at her so quickly. His eyes were wide with surprise, but the smile threatening the corners of his perfect mouth told Kat her words were the right ones.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Carter,” Nana Boo offered with an outstretched hand and an ecstatic smile that creased her face in a thousand different ways.
Carter cleared his throat. “Nice to finally meet you, too,” he said as their hands met.
Nana Boo’s eager arms encircled Carter around his waist. She pressed her cheek against him and squeezed.
“Um, hi,” Carter mumbled, while staring at Kat over the top of the aged woman’s woolen hat. Kat smiled.
“I’ve been so excited to meet the man who’s captured my Kat’s heart,” Nana Boo whispered.
She stepped back and wiped a finger under her shimmering eyes. “Oh my.” She chuckled, observing the tears on her skin. “Silly old woman.”
“Not at all,” Carter said with a half smile.
Nana Boo cupped his cheek and tapped it tenderly. “And, darling, you’re just as gorgeous as she described.” She laughed at the speechless expression on Carter’s handsome face, and snaked her arm through the crook of his elbow. “Let’s get you inside. It’s too damn cold out here. Kat, give Trevor the keys. He’ll collect the bags.”
Carter pulled Kat with him, gripping her hand as if his life depended on it. She rubbed her palm up and down his forearm in placation. God, he’d been truly terrified when they’d been in the car. The distress was almost visible around him, evil and unrelenting. She knew where it came from; he carried it around with him like a lead weight.
Kat bit the inside of her mouth. The hate she harbored for his family made her teeth snap. They’d treated him so appallingly, never loving, caring, or nurturing him as he grew, and he now considered himself unworthy, with no comprehension of just how incredible a man he had become. It was painfully tragic.
“Was the drive good? The car was all right?” Nana Boo asked. She shut the front door behind them and pulled off her hat.
“Yeah.” Kat took a step closer to Carter’s side, knowing his need for contact. “He didn’t complain about my driving once.” She smiled when she saw him roll his eyes, his finger twirling a piece of her hair on her shoulder. “You may have even turned him into a Jaguar fan.”
Nana Boo’s eyes lit up. “You like cars?”
Carter scratched his neck. “Yeah, I, um, I dabble.”
“Carter likes motorcycles, too,” Kat interjected, ignoring the pointed look he shot her.
Nana Boo gasped. “A real-life Steve McQueen! Oh, be still, my beating heart.”
Kat giggled into Carter’s shoulder and closed her eyes when she heard him burst with laughter.
“I wouldn’t say that,” he murmured. “But I like them.”
“Well, I’ll show you the Triumph I have in my garage later.” Nana Boo winked. “You kids need a warm drink.”
Carter stared after the little woman as she scurried past them to the kitchen.
“She has a Triumph?” His blue eyes twinkled.
Kat laughed. “And an antique Aston. Come on, Steve,” she teased. “She makes a killer hot chocolate.”
Seated around Nana Boo’s huge wooden table, Kat allowed the warmth of her grandmother’s house, love, and acceptance seep into her, filling up the gaps of shame and uncertainty that had opened over the past few months. Carter, with his free hand always touching her, sat and listened while, before, during, and after their dinner of enchiladas and Oreo cheesecake, Nana Boo told him story after story of Kat and her childhood escapades. Stories detailing Kat falling off horses, climbing trees, and smashing baseballs through windows kept Carter enraptured.
Seeing him so relaxed, hearing him laugh, and having him slowly realize there was nothing to be afraid of was more than Kat could have dreamed. All she wanted from their weekend with Nana Boo was for him to see he fit into her life. She wanted him to see there were people who didn’t care about his past and the mistakes he’d made. It was important for Carter to understand not everybody would hold them against him. They didn’t define him.
She listened when Nana Boo asked him questions about his hobbies, smiling when Carter became shy and modest about his musicality and his love of all things fast and metal. He explained about Kala, and his desire to buy another motorcycle, which led to Nana Boo telling stories about Kat and her father riding up and down the beach for hours, simply to have the sound of the engine in their ears and the wind on their faces.
“She’s not changed,” Carter mused, smiling at Kat, making her cheeks flush.
Nana Boo was amazing, laughing and joking and never asking questions that made Carter uncomfortable. She listened with absolute attentiveness. Gradually, Carter’s shoulders lost their hard edge and his smile began to appear a little more easily. Even his grip on Kat’s hand loosened.
Although he had yet to resolve one particular issue, and she knew it was driving him beyond distraction.
Kat smiled knowingly when she saw him squirm for the thousandth time. “You can have a cigarette, you know.”
Carter glanced apologetically at Nana Boo. “I’m fine.”
“Trevor smokes out on the back porch, dear,” Nana Boo said dismissively while placing a bowl of Doritos and a sour cream dip onto the table. “Please feel free. You’re on your vacation.”
Carter eyes sea
rched Kat’s for permission. “It’s fine,” she assured him, finding his timidity endearing as hell.
“Okay,” he conceded. He tapped his long fingers against the edge of the table, hesitating. “I need to call Max, too. I’ll—I won’t be long.”
He stood up from his seat and strode toward the back door. Reggie, with claws scratching eagerly across the wooden floor, got up from his place under Nana Boo’s seat and followed him. Carter looked at the dog by his side, cocking an eyebrow in question. Reggie sat down and thumped his tail excitedly.
“He’ll follow you,” Nana Boo explained. “He likes you.”
“Okay,” Carter mumbled, keeping his suspicious eyes on the dog before he opened the door and they both stepped out into the cold Chicago night. Kat stared at the door once it closed.
“He’s wonderful.” Nana Boo sipped her red wine. “He adores you, darling.”
“I adore him,” Kat confessed. She allowed her finger to trace the stem of her wineglass. “He was so nervous, Nana. He wanted to make a good impression so badly. I just wish he knew he didn’t have to worry. He doesn’t see himself clearly at all.”
“He will in time, Kat. If he hears it enough, he’ll see it.” Nana Boo smiled to herself. “He reminds me so much of . . .” She shook her head.
Kat rested her chin in her palm. “Who?”
“Your father,” Nana Boo replied. “He’s just like Danny was when your mother first brought him into the house, all jittery and aching for a cigarette.”
“Dad smoked?” Kat coughed into her wineglass.
“He quit when your mother became pregnant with you.”
Kat looked at the table, smiling. “I never knew that.”
“There’s a lot I could tell you about your father.”
“Please,” Kat encouraged.
“Your grandfather never approved of your mother’s choice of husband.” Nana Boo smiled reminiscently. “No one was ever good enough for his Eva.”
Kat exhaled a gust of sardonic breath. “Yeah, it must be a family thing.”
This made Nana Boo chuckle. “Yes, your mother is very much like her father.”
Kat thought for a moment, considering all the ways in which her mother had made her feel so entirely disgraceful for choosing Carter, for choosing Arthur Kill.
“She’s protective because she loves you, Angel,” Nana Boo murmured, seemingly reading Kat’s thoughts. “She’s terrified of losing you.”
“She already has.”
“You don’t mean that, Kat,” Nana Boo chided, making Kat feel instantly remorseful. She swirled the wine in her glass. “So, you have an interview for a new job,” Nana Boo stated, seamlessly changing the subject.
“For a juvenile detention facility in Brooklyn,” Kat confirmed. “It’s to start in the new year.”
The job had been one of the first that she’d come across in Beth’s folder and, although Kat hated to admit it, the job sounded perfect. They’d accepted her application immediately. Despite the parts of her that were sad about leaving Kill, Kat was excited.
“And this is what you want?” Nana Boo asked.
“I want Carter.”
Nana Boo’s eyes sparkled with the romance of it all. “As long as you’re happy. That’s all that I care about. Your mother’ll come around.” There was so much conviction in Nana Boo’s voice, Kat almost believed it.
Despite her hurtful words, and the animosity still between them, Kat would have given anything for her mother to be sitting at the table, having a glass of wine, being understanding and happy. Weeks had passed and still the two of them were at loggerheads. For Kat anger had given way to sadness and acceptance. Things between them would never be the same.
She dipped a Dorito into the sour cream with a weary hand, needing a distraction. “So, tell me more about why Grandpa didn’t like Dad.”
Nana Boo chuckled. “Danny had a few skeletons in his closet, just like your Carter.” She eyed Kat carefully. “He’d done things before he met your mom that he wasn’t exactly proud of, and your grandfather always had a bee in his bonnet about it. I have some things upstairs you can look at. I think it would be easier to explain that way.”
“It’s nothing bad, is it?”
“No. It’s nothing bad.” Nana Boo hesitated. “Unlike your mother, who thinks it unnecessary, I believe it’s time you learned more about what they went through to be together.” She placed her hand on top of Kat’s. “I assure you it’s nothing scary, and it’ll make sense when you see what I have.” She glanced toward the back door. “Just know that Carter and your father are very alike in many ways.”
Before Kat could ask any more, the back door reopened and Carter hurried back in with lumps of snow covering his dark hair, followed by a very cold-looking Reggie.
“Jesus Christ, it’s fucking freezing out there,” Carter grumbled. He rubbed at his scalp, splattering water onto the floor. “I can’t feel my damned fingers!” He stopped abruptly, clearly realizing what he’d said and in whose company. “Shit.” He blinked. “Dammit, I mean, sorry.”
Nana Boo snorted loudly and cupped her hands to her mouth to stifle her giggles. “It’s quite all right,” she managed through her fingers. “I’ve heard a lot worse. I was married to Kat’s grandfather for nearly forty years.”
Kat’s shoulders shook from holding in her own giggles. Carter exhaled and shuffled back to his seat, where he took an enormous gulp from his bottle of beer.
“Don’t you worry any.” Nana Boo snickered, patting his knee. “You just be yourself. You’re perfect as you are.”
· · ·
“Are you sure it’s okay?” Carter watched Kat roll her small weekend suitcase into their room, the room they were sharing under her grandmother’s roof, with her grandmother down the hall.
“You know,” Kat singsonged from her spot across the room, “for a convicted felon, you sure have prudish ideas about our relationship.”
He rolled his eyes. She skipped into the en suite, pulling her sweater off. Prudish? Sure, that’s why he had a semi on just from seeing her naked back.
“I’m not being a prude,” he griped. “I— It’s Nana Boo’s house.” He dropped his ass down onto the edge of the huge bed, ripping off his boots and socks.
He was rubbing the tiredness from his face when Kat reemerged from the bathroom, leaning against the doorjamb with a peculiar expression on her face.
“You called her Nana Boo,” Kat whispered, fingering the hem of the Harley T-shirt she’d changed into. His T-shirt. The edge of it skimmed her creamy thighs, while the V-neck dipped between her breasts.
“Yeah,” Carter replied. His eyes devoured her.
Kat walked toward him. She nudged his knees apart with her own, and placed her hands on his shoulders while he placed his on her hips.
She bent down and rubbed her nose against the side of his. “I love that you call her that.”
Carter hummed when their lips met, gentle and warm.
“Are you feeling better?” She placed a knee on either side of his thighs on the bed.
Carter smiled against her throat. “I do feel better.” He sat back a little, focusing on the way Kat’s hair curled at the tips. “I feel good.” He tilted his chin toward the door. “She’s amazing.” He shook his head in wonder. “She’s just so— I mean, the woman made me an Oreo cheesecake! How cool is that?” He kissed her jaw.
Carter trailed his hands down her sides and tickled the back of her thighs. “For the first time, in a long time,” he murmured, “I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.” He placed his lips at the side of her mouth. “I feel like I belong.”
“You do belong,” Kat soothed. “You belong with me.”
Her words made Carter’s body soft and malleable. He held Kat nearer and kissed her. He jumped back, however, as though caught doing something unforgivable when there was a light knock on the door. Kat crawled off him after kissing the tip of his nose, and walked to open it.
�
��I’m sorry to disturb you, dear,” Nana Boo said from the other side. “But I wanted to give you this before you went to sleep. It’s the details about your father.”
Carter craned his neck to see around Kat, but could only make out a large, brown, crumpled envelope clasped in Kat’s hand.
“Thanks, Nana,” Kat said before kissing her grandmother’s cheek.
“Good night, Angel,” she hummed. “Good night, Carter,” she called, with a smile lacing her words.
“G’night,” he called back. She reminded him so much of his own grandmother it was, at times, a little overwhelming. Even her smell made him feel nostalgic, all sweet and floral, with large green eyes he saw every time he looked at his Peaches.
He whipped his sweater over his head and pushed his jeans down. Kat closed the door and tapped the envelope against her knuckles.
“What’s up?” He pushed the covers of the bed back and slipped in between them.
“Nothing.” She lifted the envelope. “It’s just some stuff about my dad. Nana Boo wanted me to look at it.”
“What stuff?”
“I don’t know.” She held it in both hands.
Carter sat forward and lowered his voice. “You, um, you want to look at it together?”
A look of intense love and gratitude lightened her face.
Carter pushed the duvet aside, patting the mattress. “Get over here.”
Kat skipped over to the bed and got in next to him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, kissed her hair, and watched her open the envelope. He rubbed the top of her arm, watching her pull out a shitload of newspaper clippings and lay them carefully across her lap. She fanned them out, stopping at a few that detailed her father’s death, his funeral, and the subsequent memorials and remembrance events that had taken place.
Carter squeezed Kat to his side when he saw a picture of her, taken the night of the murder. She was wide-eyed, clearly terrified, wrapped in a police-issue blanket that drowned her tiny frame.
“You were so damned small,” he whispered, trailing his finger over her black-and-white face. He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “But so strong.”
They spent a few minutes looking over the clippings before Kat suddenly gasped and cursed.
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