Blind Squirrels

by Jennifer Davis

  That was the end of blind dates and barroom meetings for Olivia and me. We both continued to date off and on, but neither of us was ever able to get serious about any of the men we dated. The majority of them had limited interest in us, and that interest centered on the bedroom. The few that were true gentlemen wanted deeper relationships than we could give them. I had sworn off marriage, and Olivia was waiting until after she got her career in order. Ten years quickly sneaked past us, and I feared that true love was going to elude both of us.

  Chapter 15

  “Olivia never knew the true reason that kept me unattached,” I said to Max as I finished my story. “I couldn’t tell her that I still longed for you. I couldn’t make her understand that Max Savage was the only man I would ever truly love.”

  I couldn’t believe I had told Max this. The words just tumbled out of my mouth before I realized it. I half expected him to jump up and walk – no, run – out of my apartment and never look back. How stupid could one woman be to tell a married man – one who has just confessed his undying love for his wife – that she loves him?

  Max was speechless. He just sat there on the sofa staring at me – realizing for the first time the true depth of my feelings for him. I wanted to take those words back, but it was too late. I feared that we had now lost the rapport we had established earlier. Max might never speak to me again.

  The phone rang. I almost didn’t answer it because I thought Max might disappear while I was talking. Then I realized that he could leave whenever he wanted – with or without a word to me. So I answered the phone. It was Bridgett.

  “Kat? Where are you?” What a dumb question. She was calling my home number and I was answering. I must be at home.

  “I’m at home. What’s wrong? You sound upset.” She didn’t, but I needed something to say.

  “Why are you still at home? Did you forget about Ginger’s birthday party?”

  I had forgotten. Even before I ran into Max, I hadn’t thought about Ginger. After I ran into Max, I hadn’t thought about anything. “What time is it?” I asked, trying to pretend that I’d lost track of time.

  “The party is about to start. Ginger is counting on you being here. Grammy didn’t feel like coming, and it will really upset her if you don’t show up either.”

  I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be with Bridgett and the kids, but Max was sitting right here in my living room – something that would probably never happen again. “Hold on a minute,” I told Bridgett.

  I looked over at Max. He was still trying to recover from my earlier declaration. “Max,” I called out. He turned towards me and I continued. “My niece is having a party for her little girl. The children expect me to come. Would you like to go?” I knew his answer, but I asked anyway. What the heck? I’d already said more than enough. I had nothing to lose.

  “A party?” He seemed to be recovering from his stupor. “A birthday party?”

  “Yeah. I guess you wouldn’t want to go to a kid’s birthday party. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “I think I would like to go. I need a distraction right about now. A kid’s party should be a great diversion.”

  Now it was my turn to be dismayed. Max really wanted to go to my niece’s party. Bridgett’s yelling reminded me that I still had the phone on my ear. “Kat! Are you coming or what?”

  “Sure, Bridgett. I’m coming. I’m bringing a friend. Is that okay?”

  “I don’t care who you bring. Just hurry. The other guests are already starting to arrive.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Max seemed to enjoy Ginger’s party. He helped Ginger pin the tail on the donkey, and he helped her clean her new doll after it fell in the dirt. He also gave some of the kids long piggyback rides, and he joined their games of hide-and-seek and dodge ball. By the end of the party, Ginger was in love with Max, and Bridgett was grateful that I had brought him along. Of course, she didn’t remember that he was her old “boyfriend” from long ago.

  “He’s great with kids,” Bridgett said when Max took the kids to eat birthday cake. “Kip is no good at this kind of thing. I’m almost certain that he worked today so he wouldn’t have to be here.”

  Kip was a great guy and father; he just didn’t know how to act around a bunch of kids. “I’m sure that’s not true. Kip loves his children.”

  Well, Max is good with Ginger, and he even took a turn holding Brucie. By the way,” she teased, “is this Max my future uncle? Or is he just another pal of yours?”

  “Max is the one I would marry,” I said wistfully. “Unfortunately, he already has a wife.”

  “He told me that his wife left him,” she said. “He’s fair game. Go for it.”

  “He still loves her. I’m going to help him get her back.” I didn’t know where that came from, but it was true. I had decided to help Max win Julie back; it was the only thing I could do.

  “Are you crazy? The guy must like you to be spending time at your niece’s kiddy party. Give him time to get over her. After that you can move in for the kill. Anyone can see that you’re in love with him.” Bridgett’s advice was tempting, but I didn’t want Max on the rebound. If he was ever to be mine, it had to be completely. There could be no question of his love for me. I wanted all of him or none of him. I didn’t want Julie haunting our lives forever. Better to give him back to her than to live in her shadow.

  “I do love him. I’ve loved him for twenty-five years. And because I love him, I want him to be happy.”

  “Come on, Kat. This martyr side of you is sickening. If you love the man, tell him. He just might surprise you.” Bridgett thought that she and I were identical – cut from the same cloth. If I started sacrificing my happiness in favor of someone else’s, she might be expected to do the same.

  “Don’t worry, Bridgett. If Julie doesn’t want him back, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.”

  “Oh, I get it. His wife left him – chances are she won’t want him back. But you tried to get them back together, so you look even better to him – like an angel or something. He won’t be able to resist you. You are so smart, Kat! I should never try to second guess you. I learn all the good stuff from you. I hope it all works out.” I wasn’t trying to look like an angel or impress Max, but Bridgett could think whatever she wanted. At least she was off my back.

  After the party, Max and I drove back to my apartment. He seemed pensive for several minutes. Then he said, “You have a wonderful family, Kat. Is Bridgett the little girl that called me her boyfriend? Years ago – when we were still in school.”

  “Yep, that’s her. Your little Birdie.”

  “Oh, yes. Birdie. Now I remember. She was a cutie pie. She wanted to be just like her Aunt Kat.” Max had a big smile; he could see little Birdie in his memory.

  “She was cute back then. I loved that little girl so much. I still do, but I can’t pick her up and love on her anymore. She’d deck me.”

  “Well, I guess she did grow up to be just like her Aunt Kat,” Max laughed.

  We pulled into the parking lot. Max’s car was waiting for him. I knew he was going to leave. I couldn’t let him go. Not yet. As he opened the door and started sliding out, I grabbed hold of his arm. He moved back into his seat and looked expectantly at me.

  “I want to help you, Max. With Julie. I want to help the two of you get back together.”

  “That’s not necessary, Kat. I wouldn’t want to put you through it. Besides, I think Julie has made up her mind.” At least he was trying to protect me. He must care a little bit.

  “I insist on helping. And let me assure you, I’m not doing this to be a hero or to make myself indispensable. I’m doing it because I love you and because I believe that you love Julie. You deserve a chance to make your marriage work – a chance to be happy again.” All this was hard for me to say. And offering to hand Max over to another woman was the hardest thing of all.

  “I don’t know what to say when you tell me you love me. I know you wish I could return
those feelings, but it’s just not possible. I think you’re a great person and I’ve always thought of you as my friend. But I can’t...”

  “I know. Don’t say it. Besides, it doesn’t matter. I still want to help you. I’m not going to pretend that this doesn’t hurt, but remember that I will be spending time with you. At the very least, we’ll become great friends. We might even salvage your marriage. Just know that I’m not imagining that you are going to fall madly in love with me. It’s been twenty-five years and it hasn’t happened. I think that pretty much says it all.”

  “Well… If you are sure... I just don’t want you getting hurt. I won’t refuse your help because I will do anything to win Julie back. She’s my one and only true love.”

  We both stepped out of the car. “We’ll convince her, Max,” I told him. “Try not to worry.”

  He smiled at me. “Thank you, Kat. I’ll never forget what you’re doing. No matter how things turn out. I guess I’d better go home. It’s been a long day. Call me – I’m in the book – and we’ll come up with a plan. Bye.” No worries. I memorized his number years ago.

  After Max drove away, I suddenly felt relieved. I no longer felt pressured to impress Max or win him over. I was – in some small way – getting my lifelong dream. Max and I were going to be friends. He would always be a part of my life.

  In that moment, I finally realized the truth. I wasn’t meant for Max. No combination of wishing, hoping, praying, and begging was ever going to make Max love me. And maybe that was why I loved him. He was my elusive butterfly, my one-armed man. He was always hanging there – just out of reach – giving me a goal to shoot for – not to mention a good reason to avoid commitment. I still knew that Max would always be in my heart and I would always love him. But it was time to move on – time to let that pony run.

  I didn’t call Max on Sunday. I wanted to give him time to think, and I didn’t want to seem too anxious. I did try to call Olivia, but she failed to answer her phone.

  Monday morning, I told Brad all about my weekend with Max. He listened intently, but later he told me to be careful. Just like Max, Brad feared that I was heading for heartache. I assured Brad that I could hold onto my heart. I even told him about my new revelations about Max. They were interesting, he admitted, but he wondered if I was deceiving myself. I promised him that I would be cautious.

  I had a message from Olivia on my voice mail. “If you can find time in your busy schedule, call me.”

  She was still steaming from my selfish behavior on Saturday, but she was recovering. Otherwise, she would have never called me. I made sure Nancy was not around before dialing Olivia’s work number.

  “Olivia McLain.”

  “Hi, Olivia. It’s Kat.”

  “Yes, Ms. Bellanova?” Olivia sounded hostile. “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know. You called me.”

  “I called so you could apologize to me, beg me to meet you for lunch, and grovel at my feet once we get there. Where do you want to grovel? Salvatore’s?” I could almost hear the laughter in her voice.

  “Sure. I might as well grovel in a friendly atmosphere.”

  “I’ll see you around noon.”

  Salvatore’s was always slow on Mondays. I slid into the seat across from Olivia and recognized her hurt and angry expression. It was an expression I knew very well. “Hi, Olivia. How’s it going?”

  “I lost that bet.” She said this with a nod towards the kitchen.

  “Which bet is that?” I asked.

  “Giovanni and I made a small wager. I bet him that you wouldn’t show up. He said you would never miss an opportunity to eat his lasagna. I guess he was right. You sure wouldn’t come just to see me.”

  It was time for my groveling to begin. “I’m sorry about Saturday, Olivia.”

  “It’s okay. You had something more important to do.”

  “No...I should have met you. I had promised. I’ve already waited twenty-five years to have Max alone with me inside my house. I could have waited a while longer. I shouldn’t have broken my appointment with you.”

  “Did you say Max was inside your house?” Olivia’s eyes were wide with amazement.

  “That’s not the issue. I hurt your feelings, and I need to properly atone.”

  “You’ve groveled enough. Now tell me about Max before I choke every breath of life out of you.” Olivia always had a way with words.

  I quickly told Olivia all about Max, Julie, the twin's party, and me. “You – Katrina Marina Kipling Bellanova – gave up the chance to have Max – if only for a moment – to help him win his wife back? I don’t believe you. You tied him to your bed, right? He’s lying there now – just waiting for you to return and abuse him some more. Right? I know you did not let Max leave your apartment without at least one fling in the bedroom. Even if you had to get him drunk. Tell the truth!”

  “I am. Max might have peeked into my bedroom, but that was the extent of his presence in that area of my apartment. I’m above that sort of behavior.”

  Olivia almost choked on her food. “I hope you aren’t buying in to that hogwash. If you didn’t ravish Max, it’s because he wouldn’t let you. I know you too well to believe otherwise. You aren’t really planning to help him get his wife back, are you?”

  “I have to. This is the thing that will get me completely over Max.”

  “If I recall correctly, you once made a similar statement about Elton John. You said that when he presented his male lover and proved that he was gay, you’d get over him completely. It’s been several years since he did that, Kat, and you still want to believe that he’s just confused about his sexuality.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point is that you never completely get over anyone. Of course, you never listen to my advice either. So what’s your plan?”

  “I don’t really have one. Any suggestions?” Olivia would help me; I was sure of it. We would get Max and Julie back together. We spent the rest of our lunch hour making plans.

  “Are you sure you want to go through with this, Kat?” Olivia asked as we left Salvatore’s together.

  “I have to, Olivia. There’s no other way,” I said.

  “Okay. We’ll do it Saturday. Agreed?”

  “Agreed.”

  Julie’s sister, Evelyn, lived in a small, wood-framed house in the Argosy Cape subdivision. The house was white with navy blue trim and a brown shingled roof. Tall crepe myrtle trees grew along the front. A man in cut-off jeans pushed a mower mechanically back and forth across the green, plush lawn. Two chaise lounge chairs sat under a spreading oak. A fiftyish woman wearing a colorful plaid jumper was lying across one of the chairs. She was sipping something from a plastic cup. The other chair was empty.

  As Olivia and I cruised by for the fourth time, we saw a younger woman – holding a pitcher and wearing a yellow halter top and khaki shorts – bound out of the house. The woman had mahogany colored hair, and large freckles peppered her pale body. I knew immediately that she was Julie. She joined the woman and sat on the other chaise. Then she placed the pitcher on a patio table that was beside her.

  Argosy Cape – the same subdivision Olivia had grown up in – was a small apex of land that the bay bordered on three sides. Just across the street from Evelyn’s house was a narrow stretch of grass and sand that edged into the bay. The street was wide, and a car could park on the side near the water, allowing the passengers to walk down to the water’s edge. I slowly pulled over, and Olivia and I got out of my car.

  In a booming voice, Olivia announced, “This looks like a good place.” Then she added in a subdued whisper, “So that’s the woman Max is in love with? She’s not what I expected.”

  “What did you expect?” I asked her quietly.

  “I keep remembering that girl he dated in high school. She was...I don’t know...more glamorous.” It surprised me that Olivia remembered anything about Max.

  “I guess guys don’t marry the glamorous ones. They are just for sho
w.”

  Olivia gave me a pointed look. “That’s funny. I thought guys didn’t marry girls like us. Except those of us who marry anyone just to say they are married.”

  “Is that supposed to hurt?” I asked. “It certainly isn’t funny.”

  We removed two lawn chairs from the trunk of my car. Olivia positioned them so we could sit and watch Julie while we appeared to be enjoying the cool gentle breeze and the lapping waves. I fished a red-checkered table cloth and a rather large picnic basket out of the car. These completed our disguise. We hoped we looked like two vacationers enjoying a waterside picnic instead of two snoops trying to spy on someone.

  “This is very pleasant,” I said loudly. Olivia and I sat on our lawn chairs. Julie and the other woman seemed to be in an animated conversation.

  “What did you do all week?” Olivia wanted to know.

  “Monday night, I went over to Max’s house. We ordered a pizza, and we were planning to talk about Julie. He went to get some of their wedding pictures, but he found an old yearbook instead. We ended up talking about old times all night. Then I fell asleep on his couch. He covered me up with a quilt. When I woke up, he was sleeping in the recliner across from me. He looks so sweet when he’s sleeping.”

  “Don’t make me gag. Were you late for work? Nancy probably loved that.”

  “I wasn’t late. I woke up around five, rushed home, took a quick shower, and arrived at work right at eight. I worked late Tuesday night on the year 2000 project. Brad took me out for dinner. He’s acting very strange lately.

  “Wednesday, Max and I went to Seville Quarter. We danced, and I had a few too many drinks. I woke up on his couch again. I called into work and told Nancy I was sick. Brad called my house seven times trying to find out how I was. I stayed at Max’s and spruced up his house while he was at work. Then I cooked him pork chops for dinner. I managed to get home around ten.