by Mandy Magro
‘They’re doing as well as can be expected, Kirsty. They’re trying to be strong for your sake. Your dad has gone terribly quiet and your mum, well, she’s pretty upset. But she’s a strong lady and she will deal with things as they crop up.’
Kirsty blinked back tears. ‘I hope they understand my wishes to keep this to ourselves. The only person outside of here who knows is Jo, and she’s all the way over in the UK. I don’t want to be a hot topic among the Hidden Valley locals – I don’t want people feeling sorry for me.’
Kulsoom squeezed Kirsty’s hand. ‘We all understand that, and we will respect it. I was the same when I found out. You’ll eventually find that you open up to people, whether it’s in a week, a month, or longer, but I think at first, until you get your head around it all, you’re a bit like me and like to keep things close to your chest.’
Kirsty nodded and glanced out over the paddocks, taking a few sips of tea while she watched Cash nibble on some grass. ‘Tell me, what does chemotherapy feel like? I’m expecting to feel really sick, since that’s what the doctors have said. But is it all the time?’
Kulsoom sighed. ‘I’m not going to lie and say that chemo is a walk in the park. Yes, it can make you very sick, and there will be days where you don’t even feel like getting out of bed. But what’s making you sick is killing the cancer in the most effective way we know of. You’re strong-willed, Kirsty, always have been, and I know you will get through this. You come from a strong line of country women, remember. And you have all of us here to support you, to love you, to carry you through this. Please promise me you will accept our love and support along the way.’
Kirsty looked back at Kulsoom, a little taken aback. ‘Of course I will. Why wouldn’t I?’
‘The journey ahead of you is one that will make you question so much about life, about the people you know, about what you’ve done in the past, about all the things you want to achieve and about what’s really important to you in the long run. These thoughts can sometimes make you so angry that you take it out on the people who love you the most. In those times, remind yourself that we love you very much. Can you do that for me?’
Kirsty leant in and hugged Kulsoom. Little did her aunt know just how much she already questioned her past. It was such a heavy burden to carry and with the new stress of breast cancer on top of it, the weight was almost crushing her. ‘Okay, I promise.’
‘Good. I’ll hold you to that,’ Kulsoom replied gently as she patted Kirsty on the knee. ‘Now, tell me, how’s it all going with Aden? How is he managing with all this?’
Kirsty couldn’t help smiling as she thought of Aden. It had been a week now since they’d come clean about their feelings, and despite the cancer diagnosis, Kirsty felt a tingle inside her every time she thought of him. They still hadn’t got past the stage of kissing and cuddling, but she liked it that way for now. Aden wasn’t pushing her for anything more, which she appreciated. Even though she’d dreamt of being with him for so long, she just couldn’t focus on anything other then her cancer right now. She adored him all the more for understanding that.
‘Oh, he’s smothering me with love and affection . . . but I think I can handle it. The timing is incredibly bad, and I think we’re both sad we didn’t open up about our feelings earlier.’ Kirsty sighed. ‘But, Aden being Aden, he’s keeping all that to himself. I’m sure it’s because he doesn’t want to add to my worries. I think he’s a bit upset that I won’t let him take me to my chemotherapy session, but as I explained to him, he has to work – he’s put everything into his business and I don’t want him jeopardising that because he has to take days off to look after me. I would feel guilty if he did.’ Kirsty felt the all too familiar lump in her throat as tears filled her eyes. Aden was being so wonderful to her. Deep inside, the guilt rose and she tried to push it down. She’d missed her opportunity to come clean with him.
She fumbled with the handle on her cup, not wanting to meet Kulsoom’s gentle eyes. There was another matter sitting heavily on her heart too – but at least she could talk to Kulsoom about that one. ‘Do you think I’m selfish asking him to stay with me when I’ve just found out I have cancer, Aunty? It isn’t going to be easy for us to make it work, even if the chemo goes well. I could die.’
Kulsoom gasped. ‘Don’t you ever think like that, my darling girl. You’re not sentenced to death. And in no way are you being selfish staying with him – by golly, you only just got together after all these years. He’s a wonderful man and he doesn’t care a whit about your cancer. You hang on to him, you hear?’
Kirsty pulled a tissue from her pocket and wiped her eyes. Hang on to him? She was trying to do just that. Even though Kulsoom’s words comforted her, she couldn’t shake a feeling of selfishness from her mind. It was so much to ask Aden to commit to her when her future was so uncertain. ‘Thank you, Aunty. Thank you for all your advice. It helps. I’m so happy you’ve cancelled your flight back, otherwise you’d be leaving this weekend. I can’t believe almost five weeks have gone already. It only feels like yesterday that you got here. Uncle Harry has been wonderful, encouraging you to stay for me. Bless him.’
Kulsoom leant over and gave Kirsty a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’m not going anywhere until you’re out of the woods.’ She sat back on the couch and motioned for Hank to jump up. He obliged eagerly, his tail slapping Kulsoom and Kirsty as he got comfortable between them. Kirsty could only laugh; he was a delightful distraction from her turbulent mind.
‘How did Robbie take the news that you and Aden are an item now?’ Kulsoom asked. ‘Aden mentioned something to me about Robbie warning him not to go near you when you were teenagers.’ She smiled. ‘Poor Aden – although I thought it was adorable that Robbie was so protective of you.’
‘He still is!’ said Kirsty. ‘But it all went very well, better than expected. I think my cancer news outweighed any concerns Robbie may have harboured about me and Aden being together.’ She shook her head and pulled at a thread on her robe, her smile fading as she blinked back more tears. ‘I’m worried about Robbie, though – I haven’t seen him smile in a week.’
‘We all love you dearly, Kirsty, and it’s scary to find out a loved one has cancer. Give him time and trust me, he’ll smile again soon. It was great news that the test results came back clear. I was so relieved when you told me the cancer hadn’t spread to your bones. I finally felt like I could breathe again.’
‘Tell me about it! I felt like I had been given some sort of lifeline. Those three days of waiting for results were agonising. I couldn’t believe I needed so many darn tests in the first place. I know the doctors needed to find out exactly what stage my cancer was at so they could treat it appropriately, and also if it had spread anywhere else, but between a nuclear, a CT, various blood tests and an MRI scan, I felt like I had been prodded and poked all day long.’
‘It’s not nice, going through all of them. I had to do all of that too. But you got the best result possible – that the cancer is contained to the breast area.’
Kirsty drank the last of the tea in her pannikin and stood resolutely, holding her hand out to Kulsoom to help her up from the couch. ‘Right, enough talking about my cancer. How would you like to help me clean out my darkroom and dust off all those photographs I have in there? Aden has offered to knock up a few frames for me out of some old timber that’s been stored in the shed for years. He reckons going through my photos will be therapeutic for me, and help inspire me to follow my dream of owning a gallery in town one of these days.’
Kulsoom eased her way out of the couch. ‘I reckon he’s onto something there. I’d love to help. I’ll just go and get changed out of my pyjamas first.’
‘Thanks.’ Kirsty smiled gratefully. ‘I might pop over to the homestead after I have a quick shower, to see if Mum wants to help too. We could make an afternoon of it, us three girls. Mum’s been nagging me to clean the darkroom out for years, and to hang up my work, especially the photos I won awards for, so she’ll be chuffed I�
��ve finally decided to.’
‘Right you are, darling. I’m all yours for the day,’ Kulsoom said.
Kirsty kicked her thongs off at the front door and made her way into the homestead. Everything was silent, other than the ticking of the massive grandfather clock in the corner of the lounge room. The rhythmic noise was echoing around the house eerily. It was so quiet. She looked at her watch and shook her head. The place was usually a hive of activity at smoko time. She wandered down the hall and into the kitchen, half expecting to find her mum in there baking like she normally would be, but it was empty. Where was everyone? Kirsty leant against the kitchen bench and had a peek out the bay window. Her heart clenched in sorrow. Outside, Lynette stood at the clothes line in Ron’s arms, her body trembling as she sobbed on his shoulder. He was stroking her hair and kissing her on the forehead. Kirsty knew it was because of her. Should she go out there? She jumped as Kulsoom walked up behind her.
‘Go on, love, go out there. Your mum has to learn that it’s okay for you to see her cry.’
‘Okay,’ Kirsty replied quietly, opening the screen door and heading into the yard.
Lynette pulled free from Ron’s embrace when she spotted Kirsty, hastily wiping her eyes with a handkerchief and straightening her apron. Ron stood back, sniffing loudly, not able to look in Kirsty’s direction.
‘Morning, dear, how are you feeling today?’ Lynette said, all too cheerily, as she shook out a pillowcase and hung it on the line. Reaching into the clothes basket she began to pull out another, but Kirsty stopped her by placing her hand gently on top of her mother’s.
‘Mum, you don’t have to pretend that you’re all right. It’s okay for me to see you upset.’ She turned to Ron. ‘And that goes for you too, old fella.’
Lynette’s reserve broke and she began to cry as she pulled Kirsty into a tight cuddle. ‘I love you so much. And it hurts like you wouldn’t believe to see your child go through something like this. It’s not like I can put a bandaid on it and make it all better for you, like when you fell out of that tree or stacked your bike. This is so different, and I feel so helpless.’ Lynette’s lips quivered, her eyes meeting Kirsty’s as she pulled back and placed her hands tenderly on Kirsty’s cheeks. ‘It’s bringing back all the fear I experienced the night of the accident, when I thought we’d lost you. You mean everything to me, my darling. I don’t want to see you go through physical and emotional pain like that again. It’s not fair; you’ve had enough trauma in you life. If I could change places with you I would – in a heartbeat.’
Kirsty’s heart ached for her mum and she reached out to brush away Lynette’s tears, her own falling freely, a wave of guilt washing over her for what her parents had gone through on that earth-shattering night six years ago. They’d had to see her hooked up to tubes in the hospital, battered and bruised, unable to breathe on her own, while trying to comfort the parents of her mates who had died in the accident. ‘It’s okay, Mum. It’s not your fault. I love you too.’
Ron wrapped his arms around his wife and daughter and the three of them cried together. At that moment, Kirsty felt more loved than ever, and her will to live, to survive, filled her with a yearning she had never experienced before. A yearning to get married, to have children, to fulfil her dream of owning a gallery, to live to a ripe old age with Aden by her side. And before all that, she yearned for the courage to open up about her past. It wasn’t too much to ask. Was it?
Kirsty placed the last of the photographs she wanted to frame on the spare bed, admiring the beauty of the shots, quietly impressed. She hadn’t looked at these photos in years. Her favourite one was of teenaged Robbie and Aden and two other stockmen riding into camp after a long day out mustering on Flame Tree Hill, their faces dusty and shaded by their hats, the sun setting magnificently in the background. Maybe it was worth giving photography a go again? Not that it mattered now. It might be too late to do anything about it. She might not even live until the end of the year.
She turned as she felt someone’s presence in the room and was met by Aden’s handsome face. He was leaning against the wardrobe, smiling at her, his hands behind his back. ‘Hey, gorgeous, I missed you today. I’m happy to see you’ve sorted through your photographs. It’s time they were on the walls for everyone to admire.’
Kirsty tried to peek behind him, to see what he was hiding. ‘I missed you too. What have you got there?’
Aden walked towards her, his dark eyes almost entrancing her. ‘I’d like a kiss first, and then you’ll get your present.’ His lips met hers, his kiss soft and tender as he gently caressed her tongue with his. Kirsty felt her body respond, a pleasurable tingle travelling through her, leaving her breathless. Aden pulled back, grinning playfully, placing a wrapped gift in her hands. ‘I hope you like it.’
Kirsty gently tore open the gold wrapping paper to reveal a beautifully embellished diary. She ran her fingertips over the cover, which was handcrafted. ‘I love it, Aden. It’s absolutely stunning.’
Aden smiled, a look of relief flitting across his face. ‘I’m glad. It took me over an hour to pick it out. I thought it might be nice for you to write down how you’re feeling . . . You know, express yourself privately. I thought it might help.’
Kirsty felt her heart swell at his kindness. The brochures the cancer clinic had given her had mentioned keeping a diary. Aden must have taken the time to read through them. She wrapped her arms around him. ‘Thank you, thank you so much. It’s such a thoughtful gift.’
Aden kissed her tenderly again. ‘Well, if you reckon that’s thoughtful, come into the kitchen. I have another surprise for you. Close your eyes.’
Kirsty grinned. ‘What next?’ But she closed her eyes obediently as Aden led her by the hand into the kitchen. The familiar scent of Gucci perfume gave the surprise away before she had even opened her eyes.
‘Oh my God! Jo!’ Kirsty screamed as she ran into her best friend’s arms, emotions overwhelming her. ‘What are you doing here? You should be in the UK, enjoying your promotion!’
Jo hugged her back fiercely, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘I’ve packed up and moved back home, mate. I couldn’t leave you to go through all of this without me here to keep you on your toes, now could I?’
Kirsty was overwhelmed, and for a moment she couldn’t speak. ‘Thank you for coming home. It means the world to me that you did,’ she finally managed between sniffles. ‘Not that I would have expected you to.’
Jo grabbed hold of Kirsty’s hands, her wet eyes full of determination. ‘You’re going to get through this. And I’m not taking no for an answer.’
Kirsty nodded and squeezed Jo’s hands tightly. ‘Yes, sir! You’re the most wonderful friend, Jo. I’m so happy you’re here.’ She tried to look strong, positive – determined, even – and for a moment she convinced herself. But uncertainties possessed her, haunted her, like they did every day. She wasn’t sure she was going to make it through this. Even the doctors weren’t sure. But she had to believe in something right now. She just had to believe she was going to live, for it was all she had to hold on to.
Chapter 13
KIRSTY was out of the comfort of her bed and into the saddle before anyone else that morning. But the azure skies were now giving way to threatening black clouds, the air thick with tension. The sunlight began to fade quickly as dark shadows stretched across the paddock. Kirsty glanced skywards as a lightning bolt shot its iridescent veins through the clouds, igniting the skies with an electric-blue flash as it sent its many tentacles down towards the darkening landscape. A rumble of explosive thunder followed in its wake, so powerful Kirsty could feel it shudder through the ground beneath her and Cash. What a perfect photograph it would have made – but Kirsty didn’t have time to stop and admire it. It was dangerous to be out in lightning like this, especially when she and Cash were so exposed. And it looked like this storm was going to be a whopper.
Kirsty gave Cash a firm nudge with her legs and leant forward in the saddle, gripping the reins,
urging him to pick up the pace and head back to the stables. Small droplets of rain began to fall as Cash broke into a gallop. Riding made Kirsty feel free and intensely alive, even if it was just for a few hours. The only noise she could hear over her own breathing was the thumping of Cash’s hoofs on the earth, and that was a soothing sound in itself.
Another loud crack of thunder boomed overhead, reverberating off the distant mountains, and seconds later the skies opened up, the heavy downpour soaking Kirsty through to the skin. Cash whinnied and Kirsty called out to him, calming him with her words. He was none too keen on storms, and she would never have taken him out for a gallop if she had known the weather was going to take a turn for the worse.
It had seemed like a great idea at dawn when she had woken, feeling pent-up and nervous about the day ahead, despite the night spent in Aden’s arms. Today was the day: her first chemo treatment. She had made sure to leave a little note beside the bed for Aden, telling him where she had gone, then she had snuck out of the bedroom, willing the floorboards not to creak too loudly beneath her feet.
It had been a rough night. From the minute they had crawled into bed together Aden had held her close, never complaining about her tossing and turning, quietly soothing her when she had woken in the early hours drenched in sweat after endless nightmares. In one dream, she was about to be buried alive in a coffin, the faceless mourners standing above the grave chanting the word ‘revenge’. It was one of the many dreams that had haunted her after the accident, only now it seemed more menacing, like it had gathered power from her malignant cells. Aden had kissed her tenderly, his fingers gently stroking her hair, his husky whispers in her ear making her body ache with desire. She had almost given in to the moment but Aden had stilled her gently, telling her she needed her rest. She was silently relieved. Her mind was in turmoil and her body ached, and she wanted the first time with Aden to be as special as she’d always imagined.