by Mandy Magro
They stared at each other for a few moments, the intensity between them building, connecting them in a way that went beyond words. Aden was the first to turn away, clearing his throat a little too loudly. He grabbed his hat from the armrest of the chair, flipped it onto his head and then shoved his hands deep into his pockets. ‘Well, I should go, let you get some rest. Can I call in tomorrow to see how you’re going?’
Kirsty turned to face him, the room closing in on her, her body trembling. She couldn’t believe she was about to do this. She inhaled deeply, attempting to calm herself down.
‘Aden, I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other for a little while. Give us both some time to get used to not being together. If you want to stay in the cottage, I might just have to move into the homestead for a while once I’m back home.’ She took another deep breath. ‘And I have something else to tell you. Can you sit down again for a moment?’
Aden eyed her suspiciously, wondering what in the hell could be worse than what she’d just told him, but he followed her instructions and sat back down on the chair beside the bed, his legs jiggling nervously.
Kirsty sat up in the bed, silently praying for strength. Fuck me, I’m about to ruin any chance I’ll ever have with Aden forever.
‘Aden, um, there’s no other way to say this other than straight-out. I was the one driving the car the night of the accident. It was me who killed your sister, not James.’
Aden gasped as he stood up abruptly, sending the chair flying backwards, the confusion and shock on his face clear. He pushed his fingers through his hair as he looked up at the ceiling, his chest heaving. Without thinking, Kirsty reached out and brushed his arm, and he reacted as though burned, leaping back from her touch. His desolate eyes came to rest on hers. She wished he would say something, anything – shout at her for what she’d done, call her every awful name under the sun. But he just stood there, staring at her, devastation contorting his features, his eyes wet with unshed tears. She swallowed down her wretchedness. How did she expect him to act?
Aden squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the ridge of his nose. ‘This sucks, Kirsty. I love you so much, but this is just too much for me to take in right now. I honestly don’t know how I’m meant to respond. First, you tell me that you want to break up with me in case you die, and then in the next breath you tell me you were the driver that night. Fuck!’ He rolled his head back and took a deep breath. ‘I need some time, alone, to think things over. It’s probably best, like you said, that we have some space.’ He spun on his heel and walked forcefully from the room.
Kirsty stayed silent as she watched him disappear, her heart disappearing with him. What had she done? She angrily wiped at her tears. She knew exactly what she’d done: fucked up any chance of them ever having a future. And that was even if she survived her cancer. Would Aden ever speak to her again? Would he ever be able to find forgiveness in his heart for what she’d done? Would he expect her to go to the police? Her admission could send her to jail for drink driving, killing three people and concealing the truth. That awareness had weighed heavily on her for six years. She knew she had a good chance of spending the rest of her life behind bars if she was convicted. She’d spent the last six years trying to come to terms with her role in the accident. Yes, she’d been young and stupid, and if she hadn’t been driving it would have been someone else with a few too many beers under their belt. But it had been her behind the wheel. And she had let everyone believe that it was James who’d been driving. She’d let someone else take the rap, and even though she knew she’d been a terrified young girl, she also knew her own actions had been cowardly in the extreme. Her remorse and guilt had haunted her for six years, causing her suffering every day. But a jury wouldn’t care about remorse. ‘Fuck it all,’ she muttered as she rolled over and buried her face in her pillow, sobbing for all she had lost, including the most amazing man in the world.
The Land Cruiser shook as Aden slid into the driver’s seat and slammed the door shut with an almighty crash. Then, cursing loudly, he pulled his shirt from where it had become trapped in the door, only to rip it as he finally yanked it free. Defeated, he threw the keys on the seat beside him and rested his head on the steering wheel, allowing himself a few moments, taking slow deep breaths to try to steady his racing pulse. His heart was aching and his temper was close to boiling point as the reality of what Kirsty had told him settled in the pit of his stomach. His mind was racing with a million questions. The woman he was madly in love with had been the cause of his beloved sister’s death. Could he ever look at Kirsty in the same way?
Aden lifted his head and stared absent-mindedly out the windscreen, watching as an old couple walked past him, arm in arm, headed for the front doors of the hospital. He wanted a love like that – deep, lifelong love. If you’d asked him a few hours ago what he wanted most in this life, his answer would have been that he wanted Kirsty to be better so he could marry her, have children with her, share her hopes and dreams, and spend his life with her. But now? Would his answer remain the same?
He slammed his fist hard into the dashboard, wincing as droplets of blood appeared on his knuckles. He couldn’t take much more. He needed some space. Yes, he needed space. He gruffly wiped the blood from his fingers onto his jeans, shaking his head. He had to take control of himself, control of his fears and emotions, before they took control of him. Losing it right now was not going to do anyone any good. He just needed some time to get his feelings into perspective, and he didn’t want to see Kirsty until he did. He knew it was going to take some time – months even – to get his head around this. But one thing was certain: he had to find somewhere of his own to live. He couldn’t stay at Flame Tree Hill.
Kirsty sniffed loudly as she stared around the empty hospital room. It was cold and uninviting, nothing like her little cottage back at Flame Tree Hill. Her family and Jo had reluctantly gone home, the doctor telling them there was nothing they could do and sternly reminding them that visiting hours were over. Kirsty had insisted they follow the doctor’s instructions. She needed to be alone.
Blowing her nose once again she scrunched up the tissue and tossed it onto the bedside table, which already overflowed with tear-sodden tissues. Then, groaning, she rolled over to stare out the window. She felt like absolute shit, emotionally and physically, like her life was draining away from her.
Darkness was unfolding outside and she imagined loved ones reuniting in their homes after a hard day at work. And here she was, the normally free-spirited country girl, stuck in a bloody hospital bed, her life hanging by a thread, and the man of her dreams no longer hers. She wished her life would just end right now, so she didn’t have to feel anything any more. Somehow, she felt death would be easier.
Her gaze wandering over the room once again, Kirsty spotted her diary in the half-open bedside drawer. She slowly pushed herself up to sitting, grateful her mum had thought to bring it along with her clothes and toiletries, and pulled it out. She ran her fingertip over the wording that Aden had had engraved on the silver pen attached to the diary: My beautiful Kirsty, I love you, forever and always. Aden. Kirsty kissed the writing, his words that once filled her with hope and happiness now crushing her.
‘I’m so sorry, Aden. I love you too,’ she whispered. She took a deep breath, absently clicking the pen, before letting her emotions spill out onto the page.
Chapter 23
POWDER-BLUE skies stretched as far as the eye could see, punctuated by the peaks of lush green mountain tops. Kirsty felt her heart lighten as the four-wheel drive drew closer to Flame Tree Hill. After just over a month stuck in hospital, anything would have looked good in comparison to the four walls of her hospital room, but the scene was breathtakingly beautiful. It felt good to be coming home.
What felt even better was knowing that she was done with chemotherapy – hopefully for good. She’d had her last session while she was still in hospital.
It seemed a lifetime since that day, almost twenty
-one weeks ago, when she’d received the cancer diagnosis. And here she was, on the other side: considerably thinner, no hair, exhausted and emotionally wrecked. But despite everything, she couldn’t help but feel a little triumphant. She had made it. Even if she now had the next hurdle to cross – the final results – she was a step closer to the end, one way or another.
She gazed dreamily out the window. The entire countryside was awakening, returning to life after the winter months, with pretty blossoms painting the landscape a multitude of colours against a backdrop of vibrant green grass. Her fingers itched to pick up her camera. She might even be able to go for a gentle ride on Cash, now that she was over the flu. It had been way too long. It would be magnificent to feel the sun on her skin once again as Cash clip-clopped beneath her while whinnying in horsy conversation. The freedom to be able to ride her beloved horse whenever she wanted was something she would never take for granted again. And she knew keeping busy would take her mind off Aden, too.
She was both sad and relieved that he wasn’t living at Flame Tree Hill any more; he’d found himself a property fifteen minutes down the road. She knew already that she would miss him around the cottage, just as she’d missed his laughter and his love since that fateful day at the hospital. God, how she missed his love! She hadn’t seen him since that day and she was doing her best to accept the fact he was most probably never going to speak to her again. She tried not to think about it too much – the pain of losing him was just too excruciating.
She glanced over at Robbie and smiled fondly. He looked the epitome of a lovesick teenager. Things were obviously going very well for him and Jo. Jo had told her bits and pieces about their budding romance on her visits to the hospital but had kept the details to a minimum; she insisted she wanted to focus more on Kirsty’s health.
The last five weeks had been harder than anything Kirsty had experienced before. The flu plus the chemo had resulted in unending pain, relieved only by the knowledge that she wouldn’t have to go through the chemo again. She couldn’t shake the feeling that her body had slowly given in to the cancer, and her hopes of ever recovering were fading away. But all was not lost, yet – she still had her final results to come.
Hank sat between her and Robbie, long strands of slobber hanging from his chops as he panted loudly. In an attempt to cool him down, Kirsty turned the air conditioner up full bore, directing the vents so they were blowing right in his face, making his lips wobble. He looked like he was smiling and Kirsty couldn’t help grinning at the sight of him, despite his doggy breath. What he had been eating? She wrinkled her nose as she imagined the endless possibilities. Knowing Hank, he’d probably found a rotting carcass that some fanatical pig hunter had tossed off the back of their ute. Hank would often meander home after rolling in such a ghastly mess, proud of his new doggy cologne. He clearly loved the stench but it resulted in him being briskly washed with the freshest smelling shampoo Kirsty could get her hands on, much to his dismay.
Kirsty gave him a loving scratch on the chin, grateful for his loyal mateship. A huge dollop of slobber fell from Hank’s chops, coating her hand. ‘Just lovely, buddy,’ she muttered as she wiped it onto her shorts. Hank barked his reply and licked her face.
Robbie grinned as he reached over and turned the stereo down, the honky-tonk voice of Alan Jackson fading away as he sat back against the seat and fumbled with the sun visor. ‘So, sis, when will we know the final results?’
‘Not for another month, give or take a few days. My doctor said I have to give my body a few weeks to recover from all the chemo before undergoing more tests. And then it’ll take a week or two for the results to come through.’
Robbie tutted. ‘Shit, they like to make you wait, don’t they? It’ll be hard, not knowing until then.’
‘Yeah. But then again, I’ve been waiting so long to know the outcome, so what’s another month, hey?’
Robbie shook his head gently, a frown creasing his features. ‘Too true. So, what happens once they find out that the lump’s gone?’
Kirsty smiled at his optimism. If ever she needed it, it was now. ‘Well, if the lump’s gone, I’ll have an operation to remove the tissue around where it grew. Just to make sure there’s no possibility of it coming back. Then I have check-ups every six months or so to make sure it hasn’t, you know, come back.’
‘Righto. Does that mean you don’t have to have any more chemotherapy?’
‘Yep, as long as the cancer stays away. For the next month I can get on with my life like a normal person – well, sort of.’ Kirsty patted her bald scalp.
Robbie beamed at her. ‘You’re just as beautiful without hair as you are with it. And that’s brilliant news about the chemo. That means you can come to the Hidden Valley Bush Races with Jo and me next month, to help cheer Aden on. Harry and the race committee have organised a special event in memory of Mary, the Pink Ribbon Race. The riders have to be entirely dressed in pink. And that’s the one Aden signed up for. He’s going to look hilarious!’ Robbie chuckled. ‘Anyway, the deal is that the winner of the race gives their prize money to the National Breast Cancer Foundation.’
Kirsty’s breath caught in her throat at the mention of Aden, but she smiled to cover her anxiety. ‘That’s just like Hidden Valley, to pull together for Harry. What a wonderful idea,’ she said. ‘And sure, count me in for the races. I’ll be there with bells on.’ She didn’t know how she would cope with seeing Aden but she was going to see him sooner or later, no matter what. They were going to have to learn to live around each other – their lives were too closely entwined. She just wished Aden would at least talk to her, tell her how he felt about her, even if it was bad. The not knowing was insufferable. Or perhaps his silence meant the worst. ‘Which horse is Aden racing?’
‘He’s going to borrow my horse. He didn’t think it was right to use Cash considering you two have, well, you know . . . broken up. Aden’s been training with Star the entire time you’ve been in hospital.’ Robbie sighed loudly and paused for a moment, clearly thinking hard about what he was going to say.
‘Aden looks like shit, sis, and I don’t reckon I’ve seen him smile for weeks. I feel really sorry for him. And he asks how you’re doing every day. Why did you two break up? He won’t shed any light on the situation. I know you’re scared of dying and you don’t want him to go through that with you, but doesn’t love conquer all?’
Kirsty felt a stab in her heart and she turned away to look out the window. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it right now.’
Reaching the homestead, Robbie pulled up in the shade of a massive old mango tree and turned off the ignition. Grabbing Kirsty’s hand, he pulled her back in as she went to step out. Hank pushed past her and made his way straight to Joy, who bleated her delight at his return.
‘Kirsty.’ The look on Robbie’s face spoke a thousand words.
Pulling the door shut again, Kirsty sighed, knowing what was about to come. ‘What is it, Robbie?’
‘You know I’m not really one for deep and meaningfuls, but I feel like I have to get something off my chest.’
Kirsty turned to face him, already feeling on guard. ‘Okay then, shoot, and don’t beat around the bush. I’ve got things I’d like to do before it gets dark.’ Her tone came out more snappishly than she’d intended.
‘All right, all right. You and Aden clearly love each other, so ask the guy back, for Christ’s sake. What were you thinking, breaking up with him in the first place?’
‘I can’t ask him back, Robbie! What good am I to him if I’m dead soon anyway? Just stay out of it, okay?’ Kirsty spat, her frustration getting the better of her as warm tears sprang to her eyes. She let them fall. She had cried so much in the last four months she was surprised she had any tears left.
Robbie reached out and touched her arm gently. ‘Please don’t talk like that. I can’t bear to hear you say that you’re going to die. What if you live? Have you stopped to think of what happens then? If you live, you have your whol
e life ahead of you. A life you could be sharing with Aden. So don’t blow it, sis. I’m begging you. Make amends with Aden before it’s too late. I’m sure whatever it is can be repaired.’
Kirsty placed her hands over his and slowly exhaled. ‘I love you, Robbie. You know that. And I know you mean well, but I really need you to stay out of this, please. It’s hard enough as it is. You just have to trust me when I say it’s the right thing to have done.’
Robbie dropped his hands in his lap, clearly defeated. ‘Okay, you’re right – you’re old enough to make your own decisions. I don’t get it, but I promise I’ll stay out of it. Jo warned me not to say anything and I should have listened to her. Sorry, Kirsty. It’s just that I care about you.’
Kirsty gave him a quick peck on the cheek. ‘I know. Thank you. And yes, you should listen to your lady. Jo knows what she’s talking about.’
Robbie smiled shyly, a blush rising on his cheeks. ‘I’ll definitely pay close attention to everything she says from now on.’
Kirsty slapped him lightly on the arm. ‘Look at you! You’re so in love. You’re blushing just at the mention of her name!’
Robbie nodded as he began to gather his things from the dashboard. ‘I am in love . . . and it’s brilliant.’
‘I know how you feel. Love is a wonderful thing. I’ll love Aden until I take my very last breath.’
Robbie stepped out of the driver’s door. ‘Then, if I were you, I’d do something about it. You’re not going to be taking that last breath for years and years, and that’s a long time to be without someone you love. But don’t listen to me – you do what you reckon is best. I promised I’d stay out of it and I will.’ He winked.