She looked in her backpack in case the ring had fallen out in there, but it was nowhere.
She remembered that Mummy had seen her diary. Maybe she’d taken the earring back. Except that Mummy never wore earrings, and the earring didn’t match anything Ruby had seen in the rumpled bag of jewellery in the back of the wardrobe.
Ruby checked the newspaper photo again. She couldn’t be sure without actually having the earring in her hand, but it looked like the one she’d found.
She went very still. If it was Frannie Hatton’s nose ring, why was it in Daddy’s car? Why had he lied to the policeman the night Steffi was killed? Why had he kept the gun a secret from her? And what other secrets did Daddy have?
Ruby had all questions and no answers.
And one was bigger and more painful than them all.
Why doesn’t Daddy love me any more?
Tears scorched her eyes.
Then Ruby got up, took her diary from her pony backpack and hid it under her mattress.
She wasn’t even sure why.
41
CALVIN BRIDGE BROKE up with Shirley.
He couldn’t believe he had the guts to do it, and – from the look on her face – she couldn’t believe it either.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, I don’t want us to be together any more.’
‘But we’re getting married!’
‘I’m not.’
‘What do you mean, I’m not?’
‘I mean I’m not getting married. Sorry. I should have told you sooner, but, y’know …’
‘But why?’
‘Because—’ he started, and then wondered whether he should tell her the truth or not. He had no desire to hurt Shirley any more than he already was. But he couldn’t think quickly enough to come up with a plausible lie, so the truth it had to be.
‘Because I’m just not that . . . enthusiastic about it.’
‘About the wedding?’ said Shirley, in a voice that let him know that although she was trying to be understanding, she had no inkling of how anyone could not be enthusiastic about a wedding.
‘About any of it really,’ he confessed. ‘I’m not enthusiastic about the wedding. Or the children or the corduroy sofa or the idea of being together for the next sixty years when I haven’t even done anything with my life yet. I mean, I’m only twenty-four.’
‘What do you mean, you haven’t done anything with your life?’ snapped Shirley. ‘This is what we’re doing with our lives! We’ve been together for years and we love each other and we want to share our lives and now we’re getting married and that’s what people do, Calvin! People get married and then they have children and they work together to bring them up. That is life! That’s what life is!’
‘Yeah,’ said Calvin doubtfully. ‘But I’m not crazy about it, that’s all. I mean, it’s not really what I want for my life. Not right now, anyway.’
‘If it’s not what you want, Calvin, then why did you ask me to marry you?’
‘I didn’t. You asked me.’
‘Then why did you say yes, you idiot?’
Calvin paused and then figured In for a penny, in for a pound and said, ‘Because if I’d said no you’d have been all upset, and the Italian Grand Prix had just started.’
Shirley slammed the book of swatches shut so hard and so close to his face that she nearly pressed Calvin’s nose like a Victorian flower.
‘You bastard!’ she shouted. ‘Get out!’
‘But it’s—’
‘GET OUT!’ she shrieked, and heaved the book at his head. It landed splayed open on the floor behind him.
‘But it’s my flat,’ Calvin pointed out cautiously.
That’s when Shirley started screaming. Everything up until then had been mild by comparison. All Calvin could do was stand there and wait for it to end, while Shirley gathered up random wedding things in her arms, weeping and yelling and red in the face.
The fact that he could muster only mild concern for her heartbreak was all the proof Calvin needed that he really didn’t love her after all.
At least he’d learned that.
It didn’t stop the break-up being bloody awful, but when it was all over and Shirley and all the wedding things had left his flat for good, Calvin Bridge felt a lovely sense of calm.
For a few minutes he stood in the middle of his living room, just looking around him at the sheer absence of Shirley, while his banished existence crept slowly back towards him from every corner of the flat.
Then he turned on the second half of England versus San Marino and settled down on his leather sofa to live the rest of his life.
42
AFTER MUMMY WENT to work the next night, Daddy came into Ruby’s bedroom.
‘Panda’s looking tired, Rubes.’
Ruby didn’t even look up from TeenBeatz.
‘No,’ she replied. ‘He’s fine.’
‘What?’ said Daddy, cocking his head as if he’d heard her wrong.
‘Panda’s fine. I’m not going on the posse.’
‘But you’re my deputy,’ said Daddy, then did his cowboy voice. ‘Cain’t go on no posse without my deputy.’
Ruby didn’t smile. She shrugged. ‘I’m not a deputy. I don’t even have a badge.’
‘I told you. I talked to the others about that. They said you can have a badge. But they take a while because they come from America. Because they’re like real deputy badges, not toy ones.’
‘You didn’t tell me.’ She shrugged again. ‘But I don’t care.’
Daddy leaned against the door-frame and looked at his fingernails. ‘You feeling sick, Rubes?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I just don’t want to go.’ She pretended to keep reading. How to get a date with the cutest guy in school. There were no cute guys in her school, but still.
‘There must be a reason,’ said Daddy. ‘You scared?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m just not going any more.’
She turned on her side and curled her back towards the door. She waited for the creak of Daddy walking away, but it didn’t come.
It was completely silent.
Completely still.
Suddenly Ruby missed the whine of the bathroom window. It masked so much bad stuff, she realized now. She wished she’d never fixed it. Daddy hadn’t even noticed, and Mummy had just told her off about the glue on the bathroom carpet.
‘You know,’ Daddy said slowly, ‘Whippy was talking about Tonto.’
Ruby said nothing, but her ears pricked.
‘He told me he’s getting too old to ride any more. He said he might be looking for a new home for Tonto.’
Ruby’s tummy fluttered the way it used to when she approached the paddock. Maybe. Maybe . . . She pushed it down. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Daddy detached himself from the door-frame and wandered towards her. ‘I told him I knew an empty paddock where Tonto might be able to live. And a little girl who would be happy to look after him and ride him every day.’
Daddy stopped at the side of the bed – looming over her. ‘What do you think of that?’
Ruby felt tears stinging her eyes and it took all her strength not to crack and throw herself into his arms and smother him with kisses. Daddy had hurt her and now she had to hurt him back, otherwise what was the point?
‘I don’t care,’ she said flatly. ‘I don’t even like horses any more.’
There was a long, awful silence, and then Daddy snorted bitterly. ‘I’m disappointed in you.’
Ruby’s heart broke.
Never in a million zillion years had Ruby Trick ever thought she’d hear her Daddy say those words. After everything she’d done for him.
Her lips went all funny. ‘I’m disappointed in you!’ she shouted, and started to sob.
‘That’s right,’ he said. ‘Cry like a girl.’
‘I’m not!’ she cried like a girl.
‘Yes, you are. A stupid little girl. Look at this bollocks you’re r
eading.’ He picked TeenBeatz off her bed and shook it. ‘Stupid slutty shite. I thought you were my little cowboy. But you’re turning into a fucking slut, just like your mother.’
‘Shut up!’
‘You shut up!’
Daddy had never smacked her, but Ruby flinched as he leaned down suddenly – his face only inches from hers. She could smell the cider on his breath and see the smooth puckers of the scars around his eye, gone white in his red face.
‘Now,’ said Daddy, low and tight, ‘put your fucking Panda to bed.’
He walked out of the room and down the stairs.
Ruby sat up, her whole world shaking around her.
She wished Mummy was here.
She wished Daddy wasn’t.
But she was too scared not to do as he said.
Ruby didn’t talk to Daddy. Not from the minute she sat down in the front seat and he said, ‘Where’s your cushion, Deputy?’
He was trying to make things normal. She wasn’t going to let him. She said nothing and didn’t even look at him, and he said, ‘Be like that,’ and then reversed off the wet cobbles and drove up the long dark hill out of Limeburn.
Ruby didn’t look out of the window for the killer and Daddy didn’t remind her to.
She hated him.
More than she’d ever hated Mummy. More than she’d ever hated Em or Essie Littlejohn – that’s how much she hated Daddy.
Tears fizzed up her nose again and she wiped her eyes hard. Daddy didn’t care that she was crying. He didn’t even look at her. He didn’t love her.
They were on their second circuit when Daddy indicated and pulled over to pick up the first woman.
The window grunted down beside Ruby and the rain came in.
‘Hi,’ said Daddy. ‘Can we give you a ride?’
The woman looked at Ruby. Ruby was used to that now. They all did that. Ruby didn’t smile.
‘Umm,’ said the woman, and gave a little laugh and looked up and down the road. They all did that, too. Ruby wondered what they were all looking for. A better offer?
‘OK, thanks.’ The woman smiled. She was about Mummy’s age and was wearing jeans and an anorak. She wore glasses that went up in the corners like a cat’s eyes.
‘I live in Torrington,’ she said. ‘Are you sure that’s OK?’
Torrington was nine miles away through a winding road overhung with trees.
‘Yeah, fine,’ said Daddy. ‘You don’t want to be waiting for a bus in this rain. Jump in the back, Rubes.’
Ruby was so used to jumping in the back now that her arms and legs almost moved by themselves – and when she stopped them, they tingled, as if surprised.
‘In the back, Ruby. Chop-chop. The lady’s getting wet.’
Ruby stayed exactly where she was.
Fuck him. That’s what she thought, even though she was a little bit ashamed of using the F word, even in her head.
Fuck him.
Daddy took hold of her arm and gave it a tug to get her moving, but Ruby pulled away from his hand.
The woman’s smile faltered. ‘Are you OK, sweetheart?’ she said to Ruby.
‘She’s fine,’ said Daddy. ‘Jump in.’
‘Oh, that’s OK,’ the woman said, straightening up. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘No, it’s fine,’ said Daddy. ‘Ruby! Get in the back!’
She didn’t budge.
‘Don’t worry,’ said the woman. ‘Really. The bus will be along soon.’ She started to walk away from the car.
‘She’ll move,’ said Daddy. ‘She’s just being a brat!’ He grabbed at Ruby again, but she leaned against the door and folded her arms tight across her aching chest.
But the woman wasn’t coming back. She walked away and crossed the road, glancing back frequently over her shoulder.
Ruby put the window up. It took ages to squeal and judder its way to the top.
She and Daddy sat there together while the engine idled and the rain drummed on the roof.
Ruby was glad she hadn’t moved. It served Daddy right. The woman had been nice and maybe she was safer on the bus.
Daddy leaned in so close to her face that when she turned her head away she could feel his breath on her ear.
‘You’ll be sorry.’
Ruby trembled, but she didn’t turn round, and eventually Daddy’s breath drew off, leaving her ear damp and cold.
He drove fast towards home. So fast that Ruby clutched the sides of the seat.
A few miles from Limeburn, he jammed on the brakes next to a little wooden bus shelter, and then swung the car down a steep, narrow lane between high hedges.
At the foot of the hill was the hotel where Mummy worked.
Daddy drove slowly past the entrance, then turned around and parked close to the hedge, in the piles of wet brown leaves that had drifted there.
Ruby didn’t know what they were doing and she wouldn’t ask.
They were there for ages. Half an hour, at least, and Ruby’s teeth were chattering by the time they saw the yellow slit of a door opening and Mummy came out.
There was a man inside, saying goodbye to her.
He was an older man, with greying hair and a beard. His ears stuck out, just like Essie Littlejohn’s, so Ruby guessed that it was her father.
Mr Littlejohn raised a hand in goodbye and Mummy opened her umbrella and started walking away from the car – up the hill towards the main road and the bus stop.
Daddy started the car and they drove slowly up the lane behind her.
Mummy heard them coming and stepped close to the hedge so they could pass in the narrow lane. She didn’t know it was them, of course, because they were in darkness, but she was illuminated so brightly by the headlights that Ruby felt as though she were seeing her mother for the first time – as if she were a complete stranger.
She was thin, and her skin looked very white. Her old brown coat was belted tightly around her waist, and already her jeans were wet up to the shins from walking in the wet lane. Her umbrella had one broken strut so that it dropped and flapped on one side.
Daddy didn’t slow down to pick Mummy up. Instead he went faster – the car skidding in sudden protest as he changed down a gear and forced it to pick up speed up the hill.
Mummy turned and squinted.
Ruby squealed and covered her eyes.
There was no bump, no thud. No screech of brakes.
Ruby opened her eyes and twisted in her seat. By the red glow of the tail lights, she could see Mummy. Still upright and pressed against the hedge. And then she was lost on a bend in the road.
Ruby looked at Daddy, but Daddy didn’t look at her.
Ruby slept badly.
She got up in the dark to go to the toilet. She didn’t need the light because she knew the house so well she could do this in her sleep.
As she padded back across the dark room to her bed, she stepped on something hard and sharp that made her hop about and bite her lip.
When the pain had subsided, she turned on the lamp.
Lucky’s sled was on the floor, the plastic shafts snapped off.
Under the bed she found the little donkey, all squashed and bent.
‘Oh no,’ she whispered.
She picked up Lucky and tried to bend him back into shape. She got the dent out of his belly, and three of his legs reasonably straight, but his dear little head was still squashed, and the fourth leg had been twisted so badly that when she tried to make it right, it broke off in her hand.
Ruby bit her lip to keep from letting out a sob.
The potato was still on her bedside table, letting her know that this was no accident.
43
MUMMY OPENED THE curtains before the alarm went off, and Ruby woke with a hard rock of anxiety in her belly.
The bed went all wonky as Mummy sat down on the edge of it. She didn’t say anything for a minute, then she picked the potato off the chest of drawers.
‘Where’s your little donkey?’
�
�I don’t know,’ said Ruby quickly. Lucky was in the bottom drawer. She didn’t know what to do with him. She didn’t want Mummy to see what had happened to him; didn’t want her to start asking questions. Ruby didn’t have answers – not ones she understood.
But Mummy only stroked the potato with her thumb. There was a little bit of white root crawling out at one end, seeking the light like a worm.
‘Ruby, do you know what a whore is?’
Ruby picked at the bed cover.
‘Ruby?’
‘What?’
‘Do you know what—’
‘No,’ said Ruby rudely.
Mummy nodded. ‘You use some bad words in your diary, Rubes.’
Ruby didn’t look at Mummy, but she felt her ears going red. When had Mummy read her diary? Had she taken the nose ring?
‘I don’t know if you understand them, but they’re all bad words about women.’
‘I know,’ said Ruby, although she didn’t. Why couldn’t Mummy just leave it? It wasn’t even her fault. It was Daddy’s fault for using bad words.
‘It’s OK if you don’t know, Rubes. Life’s all about learning. I just don’t want you learning the wrong things, you see, because then you might end up doing the wrong things. Do you understand?’
‘Yes.’
Go away, thought Ruby. Go away.
Mummy nodded and sighed and put the potato back, and Ruby thought she was going to go, but she didn’t.
‘How’s your chest, Rubes?’
She shrugged.
‘You know when it hurts sometimes?’
Ruby nodded cautiously.
‘Well,’ said Mummy slowly, ‘there’s nothing wrong with you, sweetheart, it’s because you’re starting to develop.’
‘What’s develop?’
‘It just means you’re getting little boobies.’
Ruby sat upright in shock. ‘No, I’m not!’
‘It’s nothing to worry about. It’s natural.’
The Facts of Life and Death Page 22