The image of him was perfect, but all wrong. I had seen him at work before in a Star Wars t-shirt, jeans and battered trainers. I knew him as the man who adored people and took great pleasure in helping them, not the behind the desk manager sitting before me in the suit.
‘Sit down,’ he said softly, watching me as I put the case files on the floor and clung on to my notepad with every part of me. ‘How have you been?’ I ignored him. ‘I know this is—’
‘Do you have my case list or do I need to go through it all with you? There must be so much you need to know. I can’t imagine it. I’m glad I’m not in your position. Bloody hell, what a nightmare.’ Verbal rubbish spilled everywhere. I shook my head and dug my fingernails into the cardboard, finally resting my eyes on his socks. Black with red polka dots like a clown’s nose.
‘I have your case list. Colin gave it to me the other day.’
‘That makes it easier then. Good old Colin. He’s a gem. I’m going to miss him. I’m not saying that to be mean to you; I really do mean it. Even if it wasn’t you taking over, I’d still miss him.’ I couldn’t stop my mouth from moving.
Jamie leant forward in his chair, resting his elbow on the desk as he moved his hand across his forehead. ‘Let’s start, shall we? Tell me which case is at the forefront of your mind. I find it easier and more efficient if we start with the more challenging cases first.’
I huffed at his formality, and on that brittle noise, he shot his eyes towards me and hurt flashed across his face. His eyes drew in, causing the crinkles to deepen and stretch. I had kissed those crinkles. I had worshipped them, adored them. Now I was looking at them from afar—so far away from him now that it hurt me low in my hips and across my stomach, a deep ache that I was sure would never lift.
‘Do you have another idea of how we can do this? You must have had a few supervisors now. What’s your preference? How can I structure it to be as much use to you as possible?’
‘Are we ever going to talk about what happened? I asked, blocking his last word, talking over him. I couldn’t stand the formality. He dropped his eyes to the table again and shook his head so lightly I almost missed it.
‘We don’t need to talk about it,’ he uttered under his breath.
I pushed back my shoulders and found the fire, the fire that had been burning for years, all the hurt and the let-down piling on top of it like a log on a bonfire, raising the flames into the sky. ‘No!’ I shouted. ‘Give me my moment. Let me say what I need to say.’
‘Abi, I can’t.’
‘Tough. You’re going to hear it,’ I said firmly. ‘I haven’t had a relationship since you.’ I watched his eyebrows shoot up as a small smile appeared like I’d just told him I was prepared to remain celibate for the rest of my life, that no other man would touch me like he did. If only he knew I gave myself to anyone that would have me in any way they wanted apart from any real emotional connection. ‘I’m cautious and I’m off limits. I can offer my body but nothing more.’ His smile dropped, as did his head, his eyes slowly closing shut. ‘You still have the part of me that was carefree and willing to love. Do you think I could have it back?’
‘No, never.’ He spat the words right out, tightening both of his hands into fists. I watched the skin on his knuckles turn white as I gasped for breath. I was clutching my chest trying to hold myself together. He hadn’t offered any indication that he felt anything good, anything worth holding on to until now.
‘I thought you were going to kill me. Literally. I could see myself going to a doctor and saying I was being slowly split in two and needed something to stop it. It wasn’t when you left, because then there was still hope. It was in the months you didn’t reply to my letters.’
‘And why didn’t I reply? Tell me. You fucking ended it, Abi!’ he shouted. ‘You told me you’d found someone else. Three months! Three months was all it took for you to move on while I was caring for my dying mother!’
‘It wasn’t true! I was desperate. I didn’t know what else to do. I wrote to you after that letter. I explained everything. Why didn’t you reply?’ I cried.
‘I couldn’t.’
There was a knock at the door that caused him to sit up straight and adjust his tie. Matthew from reception was carrying a pile of letters.
‘Colin likes the mail as soon as it arrives, so I thought we’d carry on the tradition. Is that OK?’
‘Yes, thanks, do that,’ he replied with a forced smile as Matthew turned to walk out.
‘Sorry, Abi, didn’t see you there. Rough weekend? You look peaky this morning. Too much drinking, I know,’ he said, tapping his nose like it was some kind of secret between us that from the first weekend Jamie had left, I spent every Saturday night drinking myself into oblivion so that I had the padding and backup to sleep with anyone with a pulse.
‘Shut the door on your way out, Matthew,’ he said with a tone so dark I almost searched for a light switch. He sighed deeply. ‘That letter ripped me to pieces.’
There was so much I wanted to say, but the only words I could gather in my head were monumental and fuck-up. ‘I think we need a bit more time to adjust to what our relationship is going to be now,’ I said, attempting to gather my professionalism together.
‘What is it going to be?’
‘How can I answer that?’ I yelled, totally frustrated. ‘I never thought we’d be in this situation.’
‘Neither did I.’
‘You must have wondered. Surely you knew I’d still be in Nottingham. I would never leave my mum—’
‘I know. I fucking know,’ he said, his jaw ticking and his hand stroking his face.
‘Why didn’t you contact me?’ I asked, setting the question free that had plagued me for the last two years. ‘Or tell me you’d come back and we could start again?’
‘Abi,’ he warned.
‘No. I deserve to know.’
‘I can’t go there.’ I could see the strain across his skin as he set his teeth together.
‘If you want me to be professional, civil even, you need to tell me. Fuck, I can’t even begin to think about getting involved with someone else. I have this loop in my head going round and round. It was me. I wasn’t good enough.’
‘You know it wasn’t you,’ he said. ‘My mum was dying. I had to be there for her. The job was just an opportunity that allowed me to stay and help her. She needed me. Fuck, Abi, I lost her. I needed you so badly. I wanted to tell you she’d gone. I nearly did, but I just couldn’t. There’s a good reason why—’
‘Tell me,’ I demanded.
‘I can’t! Fucking hell, I just can’t.’ He stepped towards me and I pulled the notebook to my chest in protection. That made him stop. When we were together, I had never pushed him away. He had never felt the sting. I had welcomed him, cared for him, placed my loving arms around him and stroked my adoring fingers across his skin. He was in complete shock at the gesture he was so unfamiliar with.
He dropped his head. ‘Just promise me you’ll remember all the good things, the things that were right, not the bad that destroyed us.’
‘We destroyed each other,’ I replied with all of my hurt and every sorrow that had ever swept through me like the breeze before a storm took hold. ‘How can I look back fondly when I have to see you every day? You’re a constant reminder of everything I did wrong.’
His head bowed down as both hands found themselves in his pockets. His eyes that were once so expressive were now tired and full of sorrow. Something had changed within him. He was lost. What had changed him? Was it me? Was that how I’d left my mark, or was it something else?
I quickly collected my files and left the room.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Jamie
Now.
After she left, her words fired off the walls, shaking the metal of the old radiator and pinging off the windows, creating the same shrill sound as a tuning fork.
How the fuck was this going to work? There was too much between us.
Ten minutes later, I was still running through her words in my head when a loud knock tested my nerve. She didn’t even wait for an answer before she let herself in and strode across to my desk.
‘I may be angry as fuck, but I’m not hateful,’ she said as she clasped her hands in front of her. ‘I’ve thought about what you said, and I didn’t acknowledge something that I really should have.’ She dropped her clasped hands and held them behind her back. ‘I’m sorry about your mum. She was really kind to me. I should have said something before but…you know. There were other mountains to climb.’
She smiled and it was genuine. Small, but just enough for me to claim.
‘She talked about you. A lot. Thought I was an idiot. She was always right,’ I said as I nervously played with the mouse, banging it up and down lightly.
‘Yes, she was,’ she replied as she crossed her arms. ‘She was a wonderful lady. Truly, I’m sorry. Life isn’t fair sometimes.’ She turned and walked out the door as quickly as she’d breezed through it.
‘Abi!’
She turned, and the beautiful, sweet, caring girl who I once called mine was still there, but slightly more camouflaged behind the steely look in her eyes.
‘Thank you. That meant a lot.’
And with that, she was gone.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Abi
Now.
Three weeks had passed by. Three weeks of awkward good mornings and strained goodbyes. Three weeks of a continuous cycle of staying out of each other’s wavering eyes and stolen glances.
He slipped into his new role with ease. The team responded well to his natural kindness and genuine concern for every family and member of staff working with the most complex aspects of human nature. He would stroll in casually dressed every Friday carrying a bag full of biscuits and cakes. No ceremony, no desperate attempt to claw attention or to be liked, just a sincere expression of thanks for our hard work and commitment through the week.
Every day that passed, I found myself drowning in memories and re-living conversations, scenes of happier times and stories of the hope that we’d once held in our hands and threaded through our fingers. The more I allowed myself to reminisce, the more my work suffered. I was behind on deadlines, and reports would come back covered in red pen where changes or additions had to be made before he could sign them ready for the next case conference.
One week when I found myself particularly distracted, I decided to work in the quiet of a Saturday morning. The office was quiet and resting; I loved the peace. The phones didn’t ring, case files would be locked away, and computer screens were dark and tranquil.
Until I heard movement in the corridor.
The rattling of his key gave him away, as did the sound of his office door closing. The unexpected ring of my phone a couple of minutes later confirmed I wasn’t alone.
‘I didn’t expect anyone to be here,’ he said without a good morning or even a simple hi.
‘Neither did I,’ I replied, both hands clutching the phone that contained his voice.
‘I’m just getting up to speed with things. I’ll probably be here a few hours.’
‘Me too.’
‘If you need me, I’m here,’ he said after a few seconds of silence.
There was so much I could have said. Instead, I found myself clutching the phone as the noise of the dialling tone sounded mockingly down the line.
His presence that morning had really fucked up my plans to get up to date with my paperwork. I caught a glimpse of him as he went into the photocopying room, then got a proper look when I heard swearing and loud thumps as he banged the machine that was now frantically beeping. As I walked across to offer help, he looked like my Jamie again. He was wearing a grey top, the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and navy chinos rolled up at the ankle. No socks today, just trainers and a cap pulled low on his forehead. He took my breath, or at least half of it as I struggled to think straight so close to him. Closer than we had been in almost two years.
‘It’s temperamental. Colin used to say it must be a woman, and I obviously used to punch him in the arm for his sexist remark.’
Jamie laughed beautifully, a sound so familiar yet completely new in frequency and tone. ‘Of course you did, spitfire.’
Fuck. Spitfire. Heart. Melting. Help.
I smiled at him helplessly.
After sorting out the paper jam, the copier was good to go. ‘Nothing to it once you know how.’
‘Looks like we’re both trying to get some work done without bumping into each other,’ he smiled.
‘I’ve been distracted. I just needed some quiet space without you trying to knock into my brain.’
‘Knock into your brain? Good,’ he said, pulling on his ear before finally crossing his arms.
‘Not good. Your red pen across my reports tells me it’s not good.’
‘I did wonder if you were struggling. I mean, I know from…before…you could write a great report.’ He pushed up his sleeve that was already perfectly in place.
‘I just need to get my head together.’
‘Knowing you’re at the end of the corridor is hugely comforting,’ he said urgently. I smiled and my smile ignited his. ‘What I meant was I like to know you’re there,’ he shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. ‘You’ve never left me, so I don’t know why I’m saying that.’ I shook my head and pulled my lip under my teeth. ‘Mixed messages? Yeah, sorry, I’m a prick,’ he sighed deeply, his hand reaching up to his neck nervously before he walked into his office and shut the door.
I sat down at my desk and hugged myself to stop the shiver that was now blowing its way down my spine. I had never found one man so insanely arousing. His words, his looks, everything about him could make my bones feel light and my skin two sizes too small. It was dangerous ground to think of him in any way, but to think of him under my fingers was perilous and critically discombobulating.
I decided the only way forward was to start some reports on the computer. I always worked better with music. It was never a distraction but always a way to keep focused. One Adele album and two Beyoncé songs later, I still hadn’t made a dent in the report, choosing to pass the time going through emails and sorting my diary. Classic distraction techniques when avoiding a bigger task. During a break between songs, I heard Jamie call my name, but I pretended I hadn’t heard him and continued typing.
‘Can you hear me?’ he asked softly. ‘How about I drop another twenty-five cases on you?’ I tried to hold in a smile as I realised he was testing the volume by trying to get a response. He didn’t talk for another few seconds, but when he did, I felt alive again. ‘I’ve missed you so much. I don’t know how to tell you that without raising any hopes, so I keep my distance, but you’ve got to know it’s killing me,’ he sighed. ‘I don’t think I can do this. There’s still such a pull. I can’t ignore it, but I have to.’ I could hear the shake in his breathing. ‘Abi,’ he said, ‘I should have kept a tight hold on what we had.’
I wanted to reach out and touch his voice. There was only one word to describe it. Calming. It made me feel like I was home. I couldn’t remember a time when I last felt that way.
I made sure I pulled the earphones out when I heard him call my name much louder than before. I looked up to see that the man I thought I knew so well had turned into someone I barely knew anymore.
‘It’s almost three and the caretaker wants to lock the place up,’ he said.
‘Oh, sorry, I had music on.’ I held up my earbuds. ‘Everything OK? You look miles away,’ I said, wondering how the fuck I was going to stand up on wobbly legs.
‘I’m OK.’
‘Just give me five minutes to pack my stuff,’ I said.
Delay standing up. Try to distribute your weight evenly through your legs to prevent a collapse situation.
‘Do you still do the soundtrack of your life?’ It was like his voice had taken over his brain, which had given no thought to his words before saying them out loud.
‘Unfortunately, yes. Still haven’t grown up.’
‘And?’ he asked.
‘Oh, to describe now?’ I turned off the computer, completely ignoring that I was still staring at blank pages, unsent emails and empty Word documents after six hours of overtime.
I slung my bag over my shoulder, walked past him and said, ‘“Someone Like You” by Adele.’
Chapter Thirty-Six
Jamie
Now.
Fish and chips were not going to cut it tonight. I’d practically forced down every bite, opening my mouth with my fingers and prizing it in. I was running out of options for how to delay going home. I thought I would remember Nottingham well, but during my absence, an apocalypse must have happened and I was returning just as they were rebuilding it, brick by brick, replacing homely pubs with major restaurant chains and cut price clothing stores.
Delaying tactic number 1: Stop off for food
Delaying tactic number 2: Join a gym so that it can be delaying tactic number 3
Delaying tactic number 4: Read a case conference report that isn’t due until the end of the week
Delaying tactic number 5: Think of Abi whilst reading the case conference report
Delaying tactic number 6: See above but add remember the good times
Delaying tactic number 7: Pine for Abi.
Delaying tactic number 8: Write this list of delaying tactics
Returning home at 7 p.m. was a piss-take when I had been out all day. I had told her that I would only be gone for a couple of hours. Fish and chips didn’t take four hours to eat.
I’d avoided my phone all night and now a bite from text messages threatened to rest on my last nerve.
Let Me Be Your Hope (Music and Letters Series Book 2) Page 16