I was glad to be busy for the next hour. Phone calls and off the cuff supervisions had taken up my time and given me a welcome distraction from worrying about the team meeting that morning. Team meetings always made me edgy. Abi would hide away in the corner at her desk, choosing not to join the circle of chairs in the middle.
When I walked down to the office, her chair was empty. I had to start the team meeting without her, which only made my nerves worse.
‘I have a training opportunity here. It’s an annual conference where there will be different speakers on various topics. Some will be directly work based but there will also be info on the latest research in social work. It’s an overnight stay in Birmingham at a pretty decent hotel and there will also be a few seminars on the fascinating subject of stats led by yours truly.’ The team whistled and laughed, causing me to stroke my forehead nervously. Public speaking was not my idea of a top day out, but I was starting to realise it came with management territory. As the team calmed down, Abi breezed through, apologising to no one in particular for being late as she dropped her bags and took her usual corner spot.
‘Morning, Abi. All OK?’ I asked.
‘Fine.’
One-word responses were better than nothing.
‘I was just talking about an upcoming conference with various speakers on the latest research. It involves an overnight stay.’ She carried on unpacking her bags. ‘If you’re interested, I’ll put your name down.’ She was now reading the note hidden under the stapler. She looked like she had seen the ghost of Elvis Presley riding the back of Bigfoot.
‘Yeah, yeah, that’s fine. Sounds good,’ she said dismissively, wafting her hands in front of her as she continued looking at the note.
‘Is that everyone?’ I asked to a room of quiet social workers. Very unnerving.
I walked over and put the conference booklet on her desk. She picked it up without looking and slipped it into her bag. ‘It has all the details of the hotel and directions, so I wouldn’t lose it if I were you,’ I said, pointing to the canvas bag she’d slipped it into. She looked up and whipped me with her stare.
‘Jamie, can you explain where I’m going?’ Vijay shouted from across the room, forcing me to leave Abi’s desk. I glanced at the clock. Ten to one. I felt Abi brush past me. My eyes followed her down the corridor. I noticed she’d put on her cardigan and her bag was across her shoulder.
After finishing my conversation with Vijay, I headed to the café on the corner to grab a couple of coffees and to give me a few more minutes to rehearse what the fuck I was going to say to Abi.
She was sitting on the swings. I joined her on the next one along, sliding my legs either side so I could face her. She stared out without looking at me, took the coffee, and started to swing. I watched. I waited. She was swinging three minutes later.
‘Abi, stop, please.’ Her heels scraped on the floor bringing the swing to a stop. She mimicked my legs, also positioning them either side, and finally looked at me.
‘There’s not enough brandy in this coffee,’ she said.
‘There is no brandy.’
‘Exactly. Fill her up,’ she replied, handing the coffee back to me.
‘Too early in the day for that. Or too early for a workday,’ I replied, handing the cup back to her.
She smiled slightly. ‘I nearly cried when I saw your note. It took me right back.’
‘I’m not sure whether to say sorry or thanks.’
‘Don’t say either. It’s not necessary.’ She dismissed me with her eyes, looking off into the distance and clipping her hair in her hand to stop it blowing around in the breeze. She looked like a fucking angel.
‘I just want to clear the air a bit,’ she said, picking at the coffee cup like she had suddenly found something amazingly interesting on the packaging. ‘I’ve not really been myself since you left, and I know it’s because I didn’t have any form of closure.’
‘Abi—’
‘No. Let me finish,’ she said, raising her hand. ‘I’m not going to lie. Hearing you say you’re married wasn’t easy. I ate my body weight in cookies over the weekend and the amount of wine I drank could have filled a fucking bath.’ There was my Abi. Funny, straight to the point, and even more beautiful when she smiled. ‘But now I have some closure. That’s it for us. No going back. I’ve lived hoping for any kind of second chance, but now I know that won’t happen, I can move on.’ She shrugged like it meant nothing, but I knew it meant everything.
‘There’s a lot I want to say,’ I mumbled.
‘There’s nothing to say. I don’t want to know the ins and outs.’
‘What if I need you to hear them?’
She shook her head. ‘No. That’s a line I can’t cross.’ She motioned her finger across her throat and smiled. ‘I do want to say thanks, though.’
‘For what?’ I sighed heavily, frowning as she grasped the metal rope of the swing and looked across into the distance.
‘After everything you’ve put me through, you’ve made me strong. I’ve survived this, so I can survive anything.’
I knew it was all lies. She was trying to put us to rest. I should have let her, but I wasn’t sure I could let that happen. Not anymore.
Chapter Forty-One
Abi
Now.
When I’d showed a small flicker of interest in the training event I was now standing in the registration queue for, I didn’t know that Jamie was one of the seminar leaders. Elle and Kate had let me in on this information the night before. After one bottle of wine and initially refusing to attend, I finally agreed to pack my overnight bag.
‘Remind me why I signed up to this again?’ I asked as I dropped my bag on the floor.
‘You didn’t know it wasn’t mandatory,’ Elle replied as she hooked her arm in mine.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I wanted us all to go away. Good food, good wine. It’s a spa, for God’s sake. How much more persuading do you need?’
‘I’m too close to him. I can see myself sitting outside his room just to hear him shower,’ I said as I thought about how I could get out of this.
‘We won’t let that happen,’ Kate smiled.
‘You let me come! Temptation is everywhere and you still let me come. Fucking hells bells, this is a disaster.’
Jamie and I had spent the last couple of weeks ignoring the pull to each other. I knew he felt it too. He had led a review where a foster carer had accused me of being unprofessional by allowing the birth parents to change their daughter’s clothes during contact. I felt they had every right to change their child into clothes they had brought from home. Jamie had agreed, and when I was questioning my decision, he knelt down in front of me and praised me for giving the parents a voice. He’d whispered close into my ear, and I could hear his steady breaths as I took in his voice. His hand kept flicking forward, stopping suddenly when he remembered he couldn’t touch me or stroke my face as an additional comfort.
I cried that night; mainly because of the confusion as to why we were in this situation. I had left him climbing onto the train as the love of my life and welcomed him back into my life as my manager. They were such polar extremes it made my head spin.
I had been looking forward to a night away from it all with the girls, completely unaware that Jamie would be staying in the next room. The hotel sounded amazing. It had its own spa and swimming pool and I’d already booked a treatment with the aim of slipping into pamper heaven to avoid all thoughts of Jamie. No chance of that now.
‘Can I take your booking confirmation?’ A woman wearing too much make up took the sheet of paper out of my hand. ‘Oh, I see you’re with Jamie Dawson. He arrived about half an hour ago. Isn’t he lovely?’ I suddenly had an urge to lick my finger and sweep it across her forehead to get the foundation out of her eyebrows.
‘I’m not with Jamie Dawson. He’s my manager,’ I said with just a tad too much bitch.
She looked at me with a strange mix of fru
stration and jealously. When I looked over at the bar, I understood why. Three-piece-suit Jamie was talking to a group of people who had obviously just checked in. He must have sucked them towards him like a hoover with his good looks, navy suit and tan brogues. If I weren’t still in love with him, I would have vomited on my Converse.
Oh shit, he’s calling us over with his beautiful hand and particularly marvellous example of watch porn.
‘Hey, you OK?’ he asked as he stepped forward and took my bag out of my hands.
‘Yeah, got here in one piece.’
‘This is Abi, Elle and Kate’ he said, introducing us as colleagues.
Cue awkward silence.
‘Nice to meet you.’ I held my hand up in a static wave. ‘I’m going to head to my room, drop off my bags and have a look around. To make it even more of a solid plan, there may also be alcohol involved at some point.’ I was clutching my room key like my life depended on it just to stop myself from rubbing my hand along his well-defined shoulders.
‘See you later then?’ he asked with a curious yet wishful look across his face. I just nodded. As I picked up my bag, I heard a mobile phone ring. Jamie reached into his inside pocket lined in silk and all amazing and paisley and, fuck, now I was lusting after the lining of his suit…
‘Excuse me,’ he said, holding up his finger and stepping aside.
I heard the whole muffled conversation.
‘You know I’m not coming home tonight…I’m at a conference…You did know…Calm down…Take a deep breath…Have you taken your medication today?…I will ring you later, I promise.’
I couldn’t help but watch.
He hung up and pushed the phone back into his pocket. He rolled his shoulders back and straightened the sleeves of his jacket. I knew under the model looks and styled hair that he really wanted to change into his Star Wars t-shirt. He had one hand on his hip while the other stroked the stubble on his chin in thought. He turned and caught me watching him. He didn’t change his stance, make any tiny movement or attempt to shrug off what I’d just heard. He just watched me.
I walked to my room without a second glance.
The rest of the day went by in a blur. Elle and Kate had booked facials, and I was glad to break away late afternoon to head back to my room to collect my kit for a much-needed swim. Mum had always said I was born with swimmers shoulders. I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that, but halter-neck tops looked the fucking bomb on me, so I couldn’t complain.
I pulled the strap up on my black one-piece, leaning forward and jiggling my boobs into it to ensure they were safely contained. They sometimes had a mind of their own. I needed practical today. A suit that would get the job done in super speedy response time.
This pool was totally different to my local swimming baths where you were lucky if the hairdryers worked or the lockers didn’t swallow your twenty pence piece without delivering on its role to safely lock away your belongings. This pool had an inflated ego. It was all glossy tiles, clean floors and wave machines. I felt slightly intimidated by its greatness as I dipped my toe in the water, but I quickly got over my concerns when the warmth took me away. The water was a place for me to think, a place for me to get lost in my thoughts or let my body take over, gliding and working its stretch through the wave. I preferred backstroke; it was smooth and effortless, allowing me to keep surveillance—ever watchful, always on high alert.
I let myself get lost in the stroke and tried not to let my mind wander to Jamie. It was hard. I wondered if he was in the gym working on those delicious arms of his, or maybe he was taking a nap, resting those amazing blue eyes; or perhaps he was getting a bite to eat, gathering his energy for a night of debauchery with the other speakers and staff. Fuck, now I was thinking about him. What a bloody piss take.
I pushed my feet off the side of the pool and let out a long breath as I enjoyed the push of the water against my shoulders—until my eardrum was pierced with a loud, shrill noise.
‘Excuse me, miss. Miss!’ I heard a muffled voice and immediately lifted my ears out of the water and glided back to the side of the pool.
‘What is that?’ I asked, lifting my hands to my ears in a feeble attempt to drown out the shriek.
‘It’s the fire alarm. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’
‘Well, I’m in the pool, so I’m pretty safe from fire,’ I laughed, but the steward failed to take in the joke. On a full frown, he reiterated firmly that I needed to leave. ‘Where do you want me to go?’ I asked, lifting my body out of the water and grabbing the towel I had left on a sun lounger.
‘Fire procedures state you need to move out to the front of the hotel. There is a large lawn area. You’ll find everyone there, miss.’
‘I’m not being funny or difficult or anything, but I’m in a swim costume and I really don’t fancy the idea of standing outside showcasing my thighs.’
I’m sure I raised a small smirk on his lips.
‘I can get you a towelling robe,’ he said, ushering me out urgently when he remembered the hotel might well be burning to the ground as we chatted casually about dressing gowns. He passed a locker on the way through the changing rooms and handed me a robe. I snuggled into it as I walked through reception and out into the last of the early evening light alongside every hotel guest, all fully clothed including male perfection in a denim shirt rolled up to elbows.
Jamie had changed out of his suit and was chatting to Greg, one of the senior social workers. He glanced round and took in my state of undress. My wet hair was slopped into a lopsided bun and the remnants of my mascara ran down my cheek. I only knew this thanks to a stunning blonde dressed in a figure-hugging dress who took great pleasure in telling me this as she fucked Jamie with her eyes.
Jamie dipped into his pocket and pulled out a pack of tissues, offering one to me and pointing to the side of his face with his finger in direction.
‘Thanks. Aren’t you just too perfect with your clothes and handy tissues?’
He laughed and dipped his head. Greg carried on talking like it was completely normal for me to be standing outside a hotel in my borrowed robe.
‘I like the shirt.’
‘Thanks. Had to get the suit off,’ he smiled.
‘You never did like them. You’d have your trousers off as soon as you got home,’ I said, not missing his smirk.
Thirty minutes later, I was sitting with a smiling Elle and Kate on the wet grass with my legs crossed, desperate for a margarita and a warm shower.
‘Only you,’ Elle laughed as she looked down at my bare legs.
‘What makes you think this wasn’t planned? This could all be part of a master plan to seduce the ex.’
‘If it was a master plan, you’d be wearing a bikini,’ Elle replied.
‘True.’
‘I wish they’d hurry up. I said I’d call Steve but I left my phone in all the panic,’ Kate said as she huffed out her cheeks in frustration.
‘Are you two on a schedule or something?’ Elle laughed as Kate looked down at the grass.
‘Maybe his potatoes will miss him because your lack of contact is holding him up,’ I replied.
‘His potatoes will be fine,’ Kate said, trying to hide a smile.
‘He’d make me die of boredom. Honestly, I started to switch off at your birthday party when he started to talk about cabbages. No offense.’
‘Plenty taken. He doesn’t always talk about vegetables.’ Kate started to get defensive and I started to stir.
‘He’s a bore,’ I said, nudging my shoulder into her.
‘He’s nice,’ Kate replied with her usual way of describing him.
‘Do you feel fireworks when you’re with him? Is there hope of a spark?’ I goaded. She sighed heavily as she rested her head in her hands.
‘Fireworks is going a bit far. Maybe a sparkler could describe us better. Or a flame—but a flame from a birthday candle.’
‘Fucking hell,’ I replied as our sorry love
lives started to sink in.
Jamie didn’t join us on the grass, but he didn’t leave my side either. Once I’d had enough of him looming over me in all his denim shirted hotness, I pulled on his leg and patted the space beside me.
‘Are you cold?’ he asked as he sat down on the wet grass beside me.
‘I can’t feel my nips if that’s any indication for you?’
‘That’s a problem. How awful,’ he deadpanned.
Our gazes finally met and, somehow, we made our way to easy again.
‘Cut and glass spring to mind,’ I replied, not giving a fuck that the nips comment was totally inappropriate.
‘Do you still have…’ He pointed to my chest.
‘My piercing? Yes.’
‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.’
‘It’s fine. I raised the subject of nips. My fault.’
‘I should have joined you for a swim,’ he said.
‘I don’t think so, boss man. I can’t be seen to be fraternising with the team manager now, can I?’
‘I’m not that bad.’
‘No, you’ve got them eating out of the palm of your hand. Nothing I say makes them hate you. My next plan is to tell them how bad you are in bed and what a small dick you’ve got.’
‘Well, Abi, that would be lying, and you, my friend, are anything but a liar.’
My friend. I hated that he could refer to me so casually. I never thought that we would ever be tiptoeing around the friend zone. And don’t even get me started on the liar comment. Telling him I’d met someone else when I hadn’t made me a liar. Letting my friends believe he’d left me for a fantastic job opportunity he just couldn’t miss certainly made me a liar. I watched as his hands played with the grass, letting the small green tips slip through his fingers. I decided to ignore his comment.
‘You did really well today. I enjoyed your presentation,’ I said, changing the subject as subtly as a weightlifter picking up the heaviest barbell in the gym.
‘Thanks. I could see you. You helped me keep calm.’
Let Me Be Your Hope (Music and Letters Series Book 2) Page 19