It didn’t take her too long to begin to fuss. Libby encouraged me to try and nurse her. For being so small, she took to it like a champ. She had no issues latching on and sucking. I was relieved as I just stared down at her in amazement. She was simply perfection, and I was completely smitten. While I nursed her, Michael called his parents and talked to our kids. We told them they could come as soon as I was moved to a regular room, but first I had to do fun things like prove I could walk and use the restroom on my own. Gratefully, as she was such an easy delivery, those proved easy and we got the go ahead to be moved to a private room on the floor one up from where we were.
As soon as we were left alone, I let Michael get acquainted with our now-sleeping angel while I showered and changed into my own clothing. I was so done with the barely there blue gown that left nothing to the imagination. Michael told me to leave the door open just in case I needed him. He had always worried after I delivered. He didn’t realize how great it felt not to be pregnant, but I was cautious; I learned the hard way not to overdo it after Ashton was born.
I came back out to find Michael laid out on the sofa with Dani on his chest. They looked very comfortable together. It almost made my heart break because, just for a second, all seemed right in the world, but I knew it wasn’t. I sat down on the bed and watched them.
He looked over to me. “Did my mom know you were going to name her Dani?”
“No. I wanted to surprise her. Your parents have been my life savers these past months. And your dad had told me she was hurt when we named Mia after my mom.”
Michael carefully sat up without disturbing Dani. He held on to her like the precious vessel she was. I wanted to hold her myself, but he seemed to need it more than me.
“I’m happy you and my mom get along now.”
“It was one of the good things to come out of all of this,” I responded.
He looked down at our sleeping baby. “I’m so sorry, Carly. I can’t believe I almost missed this.” He kissed her head. She looked so tiny against her daddy. “I suppose you want to hold her.”
I sat back on the bed and eagerly held out my arms. Michael gently laid her in my arms and kissed my forehead. He sat next to us and kept his hand on my leg. We just stayed like that for a time. It wasn’t too long before our rug rats showed up with their grandparents. They were bursting with energy and anxious to meet their sister. Michael jumped up and scooped them both up before they pounced on me. “You need to be gentle around your mommy and your sister,” he kindly said to our overly excited children. He placed them on the bed next to me, and I held out the baby for everyone to see. She was still sound asleep. Danielle and Jack congratulated us both while the kids looked on.
Mia wanted to immediately hold her, and Ashton was as cautious as ever. “You can touch her,” I told him. He did so, ever so lightly. Mia would have manhandled her if we would have let her, but Michael set her in the chair, took the baby from me, and helped Mia hold her briefly. Danielle was chomping at the bit to get her hands on her namesake.
During the commotion, Jack came and kissed my forehead. “You did good, my dear,” he said.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“You know,” Danielle said as she gazed on her granddaughter. “Now that we have two Danielle’s in the family, I think you should call me Mom.”
I looked to her across the room, but I was speechless. Several months ago she could barely look at me without disdain. Michael and Jack were both looking back and forth between the two of us.
I smiled through some tears. “Mom. I like the sound of that.”
“Me too,” she replied. Then she went right on cooing at Dani like nothing momentous had just happened. That was her way, and I loved her.
Everyone had their turn holding the baby and by that time, she was awake and crying. She definitely had no issues letting us know she was unhappy. Mia and Ashton were unhappy too. They didn’t want to leave, so we had three crying children, and the fun began. It really made me worry about being a single parent. Three against one weren’t good odds. Thankfully, tonight it was three against four, but even that proved difficult as all three seemed to want my attention. It took several minutes of coaxing and explaining, but we got Ashton and Mia to settle down and leave with Mimi and Papa. Then we got Dani changed, and I started nursing her again.
“I’m sure you’re tired. You should probably head back to your apartment,” I said to Michael.
He looked stunned at the suggestion. “I’m staying here with you like I always have.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t thought of that as a possibility.
“And don’t worry about me. You have to be exhausted. As soon as you’re done feeding Dani, I’ll take her so you can rest.”
Now I was stunned. “Ok. Thanks.”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m the dad and the husband. Remember?”
“Vaguely.”
He sat next to me and put his arm around me as I nursed our little one. Without thinking about it, I leaned into him.
“I love you, Carly, and I love our children. It is I who should be thanking you.”
I didn’t say anything. I just closed my eyes and tried to remember what is was like to have a husband around. I liked having one around a lot, but I wasn’t sure I should keep this one. Sure, he was here now and acting the part beautifully, but for how long? I just didn’t know if I could get over the pain he caused me and the distrust that I felt. And how would it look to my children? Would they grow up and think I was weak for letting their dad treat me like he had and then just let him walk right back into our lives? All I knew at the moment was I was tired, physically and emotionally. I gratefully handed Dani over to Michael when she was done nursing.
She was still awake, which didn’t surprise me. This was her time of day. She wasn’t fussy, so that was a plus, but I had a feeling I would be up a lot the next several nights of my life, and I would be alone. It wasn’t a pleasant thought to drift off to sleep with, but it was my reality and I was exhausted. Michael left me alone on the bed and turned down the lights. He took the couch with Dani. He looked enamored with her. I quickly drifted off to sleep, watching them together.
I’m not sure how long I slept, but it wasn’t nearly long enough. I woke up to Michael pacing the floor with our baby. She wasn’t crying, but she was making little grunting noises. And she wasn’t the only one making noise. Michael was softly talking to her. I decided to lay still and listen before I got up to use the restroom. He was telling her how we met. I almost said, “She’s heard all of those stories from me,” but I wanted to hear his perspective.
“The first time I met your mother it was in the middle of night just like now. She kept me up, just like you are now too. It was the best night I had ever had at that point in my life. But your dad was an idiot then, just like he is now. I almost missed it, Dani. I almost missed you too. What’s wrong with me?” he choked out. “What am I going to do, Dani? I don’t want to lose your mom, but I’ve really screwed up. Do you have any advice for your dad?” he asked her.
“Nothing kid?
“I know. It’s pretty hopeless, but I promise you, I’m going to try and fix it. Maybe you could put in a good word with your mom for me.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Not at particularly what he said, but that this poor child was like our therapist. How many nights had I spent talking to her about our problems and about her idiot dad?
He turned toward me. “How much did you hear?”
“Enough.”
I sat up carefully and moved toward the edge of the bed. I could use some more pain meds. He sat next to me with our baby. I reached out and touched her sweet head.
“Carly, do you still love me?”
I sighed. “Not to quote Tina Turner, but what’s love got to do with it?”
“Aren’t you the one that said love is the most powerful force on earth?”
“I did, but for months, Michael, I told you and tried to show you
how much I loved you and you acted as if that meant nothing to you. In fact, it seemed to push you further away. So what if I still love you? I mean, how long is this going to last? How long are you even going to be around?”
“Carly, my behavior was completely inexcusable, but don’t think for a second your love was lost on me. I know it didn’t seem like it, but you don’t know how hard it was to stay away from you. I’m done fighting it. I don’t want to fight it. I emailed Joe tonight and told him I’m not coming back even if that means I lose the opportunity.”
“No. You can’t do that. You’ll just resent me and the kids for coming between you and your dream.”
He handed me Dani gently before he took my face in his hands and stared hard into my eyes. Even in the dark I could see his eyes smoldering. “Carly Bishop, what is a dream when you have nothing lasting and genuine to wake up to in the morning? I love being a writer, but it means nothing to me without you, and quite frankly without you by my side, I’m terrible at it. I would give it all up without a second thought and never look back if it means I get to keep you. And the only person to resent in this situation is me.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and held my baby close. I was more confused than ever.
Chapter 22
Well, Michael was in earnest. He didn’t go back on the road with Joseph Xavier and he didn’t lose his opportunity. Now he was using the technology he had stayed away from for so long. Skyping and FaceTiming became a daily routine for him as he interviewed those in Joseph’s world. On several occasions, when he communicated with Joseph that way, I had the opportunity to speak to him and to show off Dani. We all had to adjust to adding Michael back into our routine. I didn’t let him move back home, even though he really wanted to; I was far from being sold on this new and improved Michael. In some regards, he as good as lived with us: he was there from the crack of dawn helping get kids ready for school, he let me shower without a baby in the bathroom with me, and he didn’t leave until Ashton and Mia were put to bed. He even worked there. His excuse was the internet was much faster and more reliable at the house, but I knew it was just because he was hopped up on baby love like the rest of us.
Dani was addictive, and we were all hooked. Even though she frequently kept me up and I was emotional from hormones and my husband, I was completely in love with her. There were even some moments in the quiet of the night when I was nursing her that I just would stare at her in amazement. She was perfection wrapped in a pink blanket.
Her daddy was behaving like perfection as well. He had never been so attentive to my every need. In a way, it was annoying. I just didn’t know what to do, and suddenly he was so sure about us. He did tread lightly with me, but he was looking for any cue that I was ready to take him back. Dani and I had lots of talks about him in the wee morning hours. Sometimes she would even smile. One thing was for sure, she loved her daddy. As soon as he appeared every morning, he would take her and she would fall right asleep in his arms. That was really annoying, especially when I had been rocking her for over an hour trying to accomplish the same thing.
Ashton also seemed confused. He was happy his dad was around more, but he, like me, was uneasy and reluctant to get comfortable. He still turned to his Papa frequently. It was interesting to watch: Ashton still wanted Papa to take him to soccer practice, but Michael wanted to be the one, so it ended up with Jack driving and Michael tagging along. I knew it pained Michael, but he understood and knew it was going to take some time and patience to undo the mess he created with his son.
Mia, on the other hand, was ready to welcome him home with open arms at any time. She loved having daddy at her disposal for tea parties with Jilly or just to snuggle. Several times I would catch her on his lap up in the loft while he typed away, and not a day went by that she didn’t ask me if daddy could come home for real. It broke my heart when I told her no and to see her countenance drop. Sometimes there were tears. But what could I do?
I decided I needed to talk to someone, so while Jack and Michael took the kids Trick-or-Treating, I had some one-on-one time with Danielle. While she loved on our Dani, I told her all of my concerns, from just plain not trusting him to setting a bad example to my children if I took him back. And embarrassedly, I told her I was afraid to open myself up to him physically because I knew it would cloud my judgment. I obviously wasn’t talking about sex, since that couldn’t even be on the table until I had my six-week well visit in four weeks, but Michael definitely wanted to be physically affectionate, more than just the kiss hello and goodbye.
I knew I was making my mother–in-law uncomfortable, but who else could I talk to about it? Dani was a great listener, as was God, but neither were answering at the time.
Danielle just listened and took it all in. She thought about it while I got up and handed out candy.
When I returned, she was still looking adoringly at her granddaughter. “Trust will not come overnight, Carly, but you will just have to take a leap of faith if you decide it’s worth it, and only you can determine that.” She averted her gaze momentarily from the tiny bundle of joy in her arms to look up at me. “I will say it again, you are the best wife and mother I’ve ever known and you have been an example of dignity and strength through all of this. If you decide to take Michael back, you will show your children what it means to forgive and they will never see that as weak.” She looked back down at Dani. “As far as your sex life goes, you’re on your own there. I still pretend Michael’s a virgin.”
We both laughed. And boy, did I need a good laugh.
That night I contemplated what she said while I nursed Dani. I was in that stage where I felt like I would be living in the rocking chair in my room for the rest of my life. I tried to remind myself to enjoy it as this was the last time I would ever do this, but when the clock reads one a.m., it’s a little difficult to be rational. I thought about taking leaps of faith and what that would require. I thought even more about forgiveness. I knew, regardless of my decision, I would have to forgive Michael, but that was easier said than done.
Thankfully, Dani went right back to sleep, but I was thirsty, so I headed toward the kitchen after I laid her back down in her cradle next to my bed. On my way there, I noticed there was a faint glow of light coming from the loft. I thought that was odd, so I went upstairs to investigate. There I found Michael asleep on the couch with his laptop resting on his legs. I just shook my head and approached him. I removed his laptop and sat on the edge of the couch. He looked so peaceful. I hesitantly reached out and brushed his hair with my hand.
He immediately woke up and grabbed my hand. “Hi, gorgeous.” He smiled.
“I thought you went home.”
He grinned. “I am home.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I honestly didn’t mean to fall asleep here. I was working on organizing my notes and … well anyway.”
“It’s ok. You might as well stay now.” I smiled.
He sat up and he reached out for me and pulled me onto his lap and wrapped me up.
“What are you doing?”
“Why do you keep asking me that?” He quietly laughed against my ear. “But if you must know, I’m holding my wife. If memory serves me correctly, you used to like this.”
I didn’t answer. I was conflicted again because I did like it, a lot. I liked it even more when he began kissing my neck.
“Michael…”
“Do you want to know what I’m doing?”
“Believe me, I know … Maybe you should stop.”
“Why would I want to do that?” he asked between kisses.
“I should probably get back down to the baby,” I responded.
He groaned. “If you must, but before you go, I want to ask you something.”
I yawned. “Ok.”
“How would you like to go to the beach this weekend?”
I shook my head in confusion. “Um … I just had a baby and it’s a little cold outside.”
“Unf
ortunately for me, this beach trip will not require you to be in a swimsuit,” he whispered against me.
I just shook my head again. No one wanted to see me in a swimsuit right now.
“Joe wants us all to come to his Myrtle Beach compound and stay with him and his family through election night.”
“Michael, I just had a baby and the kids are in school and we … and we … well I just don’t know what we are.”
He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my arms. “Honey, I know, but how often do you get invited to be a part of history? We could very well be sitting in the same room with the newly-elected President of United States on election night.”
That did sound inviting. As I mulled it over, Michael reminded me it was only a six hour drive and there would be other kids Ashton and Mia’s age there. “We’ll have our own room and I’ll even sleep on the floor,” he promised.
“I’ll think about it,” was all I could promise
He turned me toward him and kissed me tenderly. “I’ll make this as easy on you as possible. But if you don’t go, I’m not going either.”
Way to make me feel guilty. I knew he wasn’t trying to. I knew he was trying to prove his loyalty and dedication to us, but I knew how important it was for him to be there. Win or lose the election, having an up-close and personal view of it would be important to that biography. I also worried that if we did end up staying together, this could be a sticky point later on. I had always wanted to support him in pursuit of his dreams, I just didn’t ever want to be the second act again.
I texted Emma first thing in the morning and got her take on me traveling just three weeks after delivering a baby.
“You wouldn’t be the first, and as long as your bleeding is under control and you feel up to it, I don’t see it being an issue,” she texted back almost immediately.
After Michael took the kids to school, we both sat on the living room couch, he on his laptop and me on mine, with the baby lying between us sleeping.
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