by P. S. Turner
Clifton looked down at two pigs swimming towards the middle of the lake trying to get away from the loud, metallic bird. He laughed. Where in the hell do you think you’re going? Pigs were so stupid. Almost as stupid as animal rights activists. Whoever thought animals have rights deserve to be swimming next to them down there. Those cock suckers were always picketing his concerts. Posting shit on his Twitter page. Sending him death threats.
The pigs were fast swimmers and were already past the center of the lake. He picked off the last one. Direct hit. He sunk under the water like a big, useless rock. The second one turned left, trying to get away. Silly piggy. Tall splashes erupted around the pig as Clifton toyed with him. “How about one in the ass?” He yelled out. Billy, Ray and Fred all cheered.
He flicked the switch to single shot with his thumb and aimed the rifle at the pig’s ass. He pulled the trigger and a splash of water shot up three feet behind the pig. “God dammit keep the helicopter straight,” he yelled.
“Come on Fred,” Ray yelled smacking the back of his son’s helmet. “Keep it level.”
Fred looked back confused. The helicopter was completely level.
Clifton aimed again and pulled the trigger. The pig thrashed in the water, splashing around violently.
Everyone cheered. Clifton smiled and gave a round of high fives. He was glad he made the trip out here from Colorado. He wasn’t going to come. Ray always got on his nerves and he didn’t want to be around the guy but when Ray said that he had four hundred hogs to kill and a helicopter to do it from, Clifton couldn’t resist.
“You going to finish him off?” Billy asked, looking at the hog struggling to keep his snout above water.
“Fuck him. Let’s go,” Clifton responded. “I see some running up that hill.”
Fred hit the throttle and the helicopter sped forward.
“I need a beer,” Clifton said, stretching his legs. As fun as that was it was nice to be on solid ground again. Fred had just landed the helicopter close to Ray’s house. His wife and daughter ran out to greet them.
“Stacy get some beers from the kitchen,” Ray yelled at his daughter. Her shoulders slumped and she turned to the house. “And some whiskey for Cliff. The Japanese one.”
“Did you have fun sweetie?” Ray’s wife asked kissing his cheek and taking his gun from him. Clifton usually didn’t like his women to be past thirty but he didn’t mind her at all. She was looking good in those shorts. He rubbed his chin and watched as she bent over, helping her husband out of his camouflage hunting suit. Maybe after dinner he’ll hit the whiskey with Ray and then go visit her in her room. Ray was a light weight with whiskey and it never took him much to pass out. His wife would be thrilled to be with a real man for a change.
Ray’s daughter Stacy came out a few minutes later with a box of beer and a bottle of Suntory Yamazaki 12 Year Old Single Malt Whiskey under her arm. The neck of the bottle was rubbing against her ample, bouncing breast. Her face was atrocious. Unfortunately she got her father’s looks but her body came straight from her mother. Maybe he’d visit her room after. Maybe he’d get them both at the same time.
He grabbed the bottle from under her arm grazing her breast with the back of his hand. She flinched back, her face turning red as blood. She dropped the beer by her dad’s feet and hurried back into the house.
Ray pretended not to notice what just happened and grabbed a beer from the box. He opened it and raised it up to Clifton while nodding his head.
Clifton ignored the man and popped the cork off the bottle. He held the neck up to his nose and smelled it. The smell of whiskey mixed with sixteen year old stung his nose. He took a gulp straight from the bottle, keeping one eye on Stacey’s ass as she hurried back to the house.
Ray had one more treat in store for Clifton before he left tomorrow morning back to Colorado. Ray refused to let him in on what it was, which was making Clifton angry. He had been stuck in the back seat of a jeep with Ray for over an hour as he pestered him with questions.
“Did you ever fuck Scarlet Harris?” he asked.
“Fuck her? I was her first,” Clifton lied.
“Wow,” Ray said staring at him like a love stricken girl. “I wish we were friends back then. It would have been amazing.”
Thirty years ago Clifton was the singer of ArcRiot, one of the top rock bands in the country, until the idiot members kicked him out for taking too many drugs. Morons. They went downhill after he left. He was the only talented member of the band.
Clifton still did some private shows once in a while just for old time’s sake and because his ex-wife stole all of his money. Ray had been a huge fan as a dorky, pimple faced teenager. When that same teenager grew up he started an IT consulting company that exploded. He was now richer than Clifton could ever dream of being. Ray had hired Clifton to play for his fortieth birthday and they had known each other ever since. Ray was great to borrow money from whenever Clifton needed it. He had borrowed over fifty thousand dollars over the past four years and Ray had never even asked for a penny of it back. But Ray was always trying to hang out with him. Trying to be his friend. But Clifton was smart. He saw through Ray to the loser teenager that he still was, trying to gain acceptance from the cool kids, and he used that every chance he got. Over the past five years Ray had paid for their hunting parties to Kenya, Zimbabwe. Ray had even brought Clifton along to Somalia to watch as he shot an endangered white rhino. He paid three hundred thousand dollars on the black market to illegally shoot the beast. Ray didn’t even complain when Clifton took the shot himself and killed the rhino.
Clifton smacked Billy in the back of the head, waking him up. “What’s up boss?” he asked. Billy was an idiot too but Clifton always made sure that he came on these hunting trips. He was the closest thing to a friend that he had, even if he did hate his guts most of the time.
“You’re snoring. It’s annoying.” He turned to Ray. “Are we almost there?”
“It’s just up this road,” Ray said laughing with a snort. Clifton restrained himself from hitting him. He hated that laugh.
They got out of the truck and there was a man waiting for them on the large porch of his house. Clifton counted three chins on the tub of lard. His belly extended out like he was pregnant with twins. Twin hippos.
Ray walked up the man’s lawn, his feet disappearing in the long grass, and shook his hand. They talked for a while before Ray handed him a bulging envelope. The man struggled to get up out of the porch swing. He slumped back down, giving up, and pointed to the back.
“What is this place?” Clifton asked Fred.
“You’ll see,” Fred responded grinning like a kid in a shooting range.
Ray came back smiling. “It’s all set.”
“What?” Clifton asked annoyed. All of this secrecy was starting to piss him off.
“I’ll show you,” he said and headed to the back of the house.
“God damn it,” Clifton muttered, following him. “Slobs,” he said as he stepped over a child’s broken riding horse. The wooden head was missing. He kicked an empty can of beer out of the dirt path and followed Ray and Fred through the back gate. Billy followed behind him.
A large cage about a quarter the size of a football field loomed in the distance. Clifton’s scowl turned into a smile when he saw four tigers lying on the cement floor.
“Oh yeah,” Billy yelled when he saw the tigers. He squeezed his big arms around Ray and picked him up in a bear hug. “I could kiss you.” He laid a fat kiss on Ray’s cheek.
Normally Clifton would’ve told him to knock it off. He hated that fag stuff. But he was too excited and couldn’t stop smiling. He had no idea that they were going tiger hunting today.
One of the tigers stood up and circled in the cage, eying them. He walked with a limp. His fur was dirty and he was so thin that Clifton could count each one of his ribs. Not much of a trophy but he had never killed a tiger before and wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity, no matter how pathetic it looked. The
other three didn’t even have the energy to get up. When was the last time that fat fuck fed them?
“Are we taking them out to your ranch?” Clifton asked.
“I wish but we can’t transport them. We have to do it here,” Ray answered.
“In the cage? Get someone to bring them to your ranch. We’ll shoot them from the helicopter.”
Ray laughed and Clifton held back the urge to slap him. “It’s too dangerous. These guys can jump over my fence.”
Clifton looked at the tigers doubtful that they could stand up, let alone jump over a fence.
“We have to do it here,” Ray said.
They got their guns from the trunk and walked up to the cage. Clifton held his shirt to his nose. The smell of feces was rampant. The cage and four tigers were covered in it. Three of the tigers were on their feet now and one was still lying on the ground breathing heavy. He hadn’t even raised his head to look at them. If they would’ve arrived twenty minutes later that one might already have been dead.
“Billy you get the one lying down, Ray the one with the limp, Fred the one with his head down and I’ll take the big one,” Clifton said.
He raised his rifle and his phone rang. “God damn it. Who in the hell is this?” He lowered his rifle and answered his phone. “What?”
He listened, his face slowly changing from annoyance to a smile. “Well alright. I’ll stop by the studio tomorrow then.” He put his phone back in his pocket. The three of them were all staring at him expectantly. “They bought the pilot,” he announced. “I’m gonna be a TV star!”
They all cheered and gave their congratulations. So far it had been a great day. Ray’s wife and daughter flashed into his mind. It might even be a better night. What a way to celebrate this moment by tagging his first tiger.
“Let’s do this,” he yelled, suddenly pumped.
They all raised their rifles. The metal fence clinked as Clifton placed his barrel through the hole. His heart started pounding as he aimed it at the large male. The stupid tiger didn’t even move. He just lowered his head as if accepting his fate.
“Billy count it down,” he said.
“Three.”
Clifton straightened his back.
“Two.”
He held his breath.
“One.”
He pulled the trigger smiling. Boom. Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.
Tyler
“Can you live any farther from civilization?” Kayley asked, getting out of her car. “Do you have any neighbors?”
“Just a couple of grizzly bears,” Tyler responded. He closed the front door and walked to her car, squinting from the bright morning sun. “They’re not much conversationalists but they love to party.”
She opened her trunk and struggled to pull out a large suitcase. Tyler smiled while watching her. His eyes kept drifting to her long legs showing from her hiking shorts.
“Are you bringing that on the trip?” he laughed. “You can’t even lift it out of the trunk. How are you going to carry it through the woods?”
“I’m not.” She dropped it on the ground. It made a thud as if it was full of bricks. “You are.”
She left it for him and walked around the car looking at the house. “Nice place.”
He looked back at his little cabin. It was a nice place. Tyler had found the abandoned cabin in the woods while hiking twenty years ago. He knew immediately that he wanted to live there. Somewhere far from everyone where he could be at peace in nature and live off the land. He rebuilt and restored the cabin himself over the years and now it was just perfect.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” she said.
He pointed at a tree. “That’s the outhouse.”
“Seriously?” she said.
“Kidding. On the right of the kitchen.”
She stepped towards the door and paused. “Is there going to be animal heads all over the walls?” She crinkled her nose up, which made Tyler smile. Maybe this weekend wouldn’t be so bad after all.
“No just a life-sized, stuffed elephant in the living room.”
Her lips parted as her jaw sagged down.
“Kidding,” he said. “You’ll be fine.”
He looked up at the sky while waiting for her outside. The sun was shinning and there weren’t any clouds in sight. Going to be a nice weekend for hunting.
He glanced in the window and saw her studying the pictures on the fireplace mantel. His favorite was with him and his uncle Harry at a baseball game when Tyler was a kid. The rest were with him and some favorite animals at his conservation center.
Tyler studied her as she picked up the picture of him hugging William. William was a billy goat that was confiscated from a factory farm. He was left in a small cage with three other goats, twenty four hours a day and barely fed. When Tyler and his team went through the farm he found William lying beside the other two goats in bad shape. He couldn’t stand up, his legs too weak from lack of exercise, and he had a serious infection from a bad cut on the side of his head. Tyler had taken him back to his newly opened animal sanctuary and tended to his wounds. William had been a staple at the conservation center and even appeared on the center’s logo. Today he was happy and healthy living in the center with three other goats. Tyler felt a tightness in his stomach. What would happen to William if he had to close Harry’s Homes?
“Are those pictures of animals that you’ve hunted?” she asked, when she came back outside.
“Not exactly.” He didn’t feel like he had to explain to her so he changed the subject. “You’re not bringing that bag.” He pointed to the suitcase lying in the dirt. “All you need is one change of clothes and a toothbrush. I have all the rest.” He pointed towards the large hiking pack propped up against the side of the house.
She went to her car and got a plastic bag off of the passenger’s seat. “Add this to your bag,” she said, handing it to him.
He took it and looked inside. Almond butter, nature grain granola bars, maca powder, hemp protein, cashews, chick peas and trail mix along with many other items. “What’s all this?”
“Food,” she said. “Real food. Not animal flesh.”
Is this girl insane? “I brought cans of beans for you.”
“Great. You can bring this too.”
He rolled his eyes and added it to his pack. No sense in arguing. “Let’s just get going.”
They were hiking for three hours and Tyler was impressed that Kayley was actually keeping his pace. He was looking forward to pushing a fast pace and making it a bit miserable for her but she actually seemed to be enjoying it. He noticed her looking around taking in nature. Her face would light up when she saw the colorful birds in the trees and she clapped her hands in delight when a rabbit crossed their path a few yards up. They hadn’t talked much but Tyler was enjoying having her there. She had a pleasant presence that was a nice change from being alone.
They were hiking to the National Park near his cabin. It was known for its great elk hunting and beautiful scenery. Lazy, snow capped mountains and majestic, hundred year old trees marked the landscape. It was about an eight hour hike. He was hoping to arrive in the park before dark, camp the night and start the hunt in the morning.
A fast moving river, snaked through three pine trees that were rocketing into the sky. It would make a nice backdrop. Tyler knew that some of his viewers watched Bow Hunter for the scenery alone so he always tried to get them some nice shots.
He slowed down and dropped his bag. “We have to do an intro.” He pulled a camera from his bag and set it up on a tripod.
He turned to Kayley. “I’m going to talk a bit. Just act natural.” She nodded. He turned the camera on and stood beside her.
So we’re here just outside Colorado’s Roosevelt National Forest for an elk hunt. I’m here with a special guest-”
“Against her will,” Kayley interrupted.
Tyler sighed.
“Can we try that again? Just let me finish the intro and then you can say wha
tever you want.”
She crossed her arms like a pouting teenager.
“Today is a special episode of Bow Hunter,” he said into the camera. “I’m hunting with a special guest Kayley Brooks.” Kayley glared at the camera with her arms crossed. “Kayley is the host of Eating Vegan. A vegan cooking show. I’m going to show her how we do a clean, ethical hunt.”
She laughed letting out a snort. “An ethical hunt? Are you kidding me? That’s a contradiction if I’ve ever heard one.”
“She’s going to see the benefits of bow hunting over rifle hunting and the positives of acquiring your meat through hunting rather that through factory farming.”
“Benefits to you or to the animal?”
“To both,” he replied. “The meat is cleaner, not filled with hormones and antibiotics, and the animal gets to live an ideal life in the wild.”
“Before you put an arrow in its face,” she pointed out.
“As ethical hunters we always make sure that we have a direct shot behind the front shoulder. It is the fastest way to kill. Even faster than a rifle.”
“Stop saying that,” she said, her voice short.
He looked at her confused.
“Ethical hunter. Stop. Saying. That.” She turned directly facing him. “Look if you want to murder animals than fine. But don’t go around pretending that you’re ethical and doing the animals a favor. Because you’re not.”
He turned and faced her taking her straight on. “What would you rather that animals are tortured in factory farms or live here in the wild?”
“I’d rather people leave them alone. What right do you have to bother them? They don’t do anything to you.” She stuck her finger in his face.
Tyler felt his heart speeding up. He was sick of city girls like her passing judgment on people like him who lived their entire lives in nature and knew more about it than they could ever dream of. “Come live out here and see if they don’t do anything to you. You’ll be eaten by wolves in the first day. Nature is violent and cruel. It’s a struggle. It always has been. Animals kill each other every day.”