“Why must you seek what can be yours for the taking? Any nobleman of the land would give his life to capture your eye and heart.”
“What if my eye and heart are set on a warrior whose land and ways I do not know?” Alysa replied unthinkingly. She laughed as if she were joking, unaware of the gleam that brightened her blue eyes.
Thisbe was delighted and intrigued by her mistress’s mood, a rare one for the beautiful princess. She knew that Alysa was aware of her beauty, for men frequently pointed it out to her with their looks, remarks, and pursuits. Yet the gentle princess had never been known to use it unfairly. “Where did you meet this irresistible stranger?” Thisbe inquired.
“What stranger?” Alysa asked. She was almost afraid to talk about Gavin, as if doing so would make him become a dream instead of a reality.
Thisbe was not fooled. “The lucky man who causes your cheeks to burn and your eyes to glow,” she pressed. “I have not seen such a look upon you before. Who is he?”
Alysa sighed deeply. She had never been able to conceal anything from her astute servant, and in fact, she wanted to share her thoughts about Gavin. “I do not know, dear Thisbe. I met him while riding one day, but no one has seen him save me. Perhaps he is only in my dreams, for he fills them each hour. He stirs me so strangely, Thisbe, yet I know little about him.”
“When you met, did he not speak his name and land?”
“His name is Gavin and he said his home was in the kingdom of Strathclyde in the north. He is a man such as I have never known before, a warrior who hires out as a paid fighter to any ruler who needs him. He only seeks adventures and glory and money in our land. He told me that word of our troubles had lured him here to help us, if Father will hire him and his band.”
“You do not sound as if you believe his claims.”
“I am unsure, Thisbe. There is a mystery around him. He comes and goes like the mist, and never leaves a trace. If the words he shared with me were true, why has he not visited the castle to speak with Father, or even Isobail?” Then Alysa unexpectedly asked, “What is it like to love and desire a man?” When Thisbe recovered from her surprise, Alysa laughed softly. “Do not tease me, little Thisbe, or I shall punish you.”
The handmaiden laughed at the playful threat. “Love is when thoughts of but one man fill your heart, when he means more than life to you, when you know you would do anything for him and shall die if he is taken from you. Desire is when you ache to see him and touch him, when he causes your body to burn and tremble. Desire does not demand love before it can ensnare you, but desire with love creates a powerful bond.”
As Alysa mused on those words, Thisbe asked, “Do you love him and desire him? Do you wish him at your side and in your bed forever?”
Alysa swallowed the lump in her throat. “Even though he is a stranger, the bond you speak of exists for me. Each hour it grows stronger and tighter, and that troubles me. When he is near, I feel as a shared rabbit, yet I have no wish or the strength to escape him. Gavin has stolen my heart and wits. I hunger to learn all about him. When I think of him, I yearn to be in his arms. When I am with him, my mind flees and he controls my will. Pain fills me to know it cannot be. I am not as you, dear Thisbe. I am a princess, a future ruler; I cannot marry whom I choose, unless his rank and ways match mine. Nothing can change who and what I am and must be.”
“Does the Crown mean more to you than he does?” Thisbe asked gravely. “More than love and happiness? Can a circle of gold warm your heart and soul? Can it stir your body to blazing life? Do not choose the Crown over love until you are certain you can live without him. If it is so hard to say ‘it cannot be,’ think how much harder it will be to endure his loss forever.”
Alysa winced at her words. “You are wise and clever, Thisbe, but how can I learn such things? Life has been different for you. I have not been free to explore these matters.”
“Test your feelings for this Gavin as men test their mettle in the games and upon the battlefield. Be brave and cunning. Find your path to victory. Do you wish to marry a man not of your choosing? What if you cannot love him or desire him? Can you lie in his bed and allow his will with your body, as is his right? Can you bear his children?”
“How do I test my feelings for Gavin? What if his are not the same?”
“Spend time with him. Your heart and head will give you the answers you need.”
“But I know nothing of him. Is it not wrong for me to chase a man like him?”
“Why must a man always be the hunter and a woman the prey? I desired Teague, so I made certain he knew of my feelings and I worked hard to make his match mine. You must seek him out and cease this battle within you. He cannot read what is inside your heart; you must reveal your feelings to him. Only then can you discover if his feelings match yours.”
Alysa trusted Thisbe, as they had been close friends since childhood and had shared many secrets over the years. She believed nothing and no one could persuade Thisbe to betray her, no matter the price involved, just as Alysa knew she would do the same for Thisbe. Now, she related how she had met the stranger and what had taken place between them.
“From your words, he is also drawn to you,” Thisbe said afterwards. “Even if you choose the Crown over him, he will live in your heart forever, and his loss will cause you misery. Your father did not love and marry a woman of his lands and rank. Why must it be different for you?”
“You know how terribly my father and mother suffered for their choice, for I have told you of such unhappy times,” Alysa replied. “I do not wish such pain to fill my life. Besides, there is so much evil threatening my land that I have no right to think of myself first. My father is gravely ill. If he died, my duty should come before my wishes.”
“Does that not tell you that you need a strong arm and love at your side? Perhaps he will prove himself more than worthy to have you.”
“We talk and I worry over a day that might never come. What if he is one of the raiders? What if he is deceiving me? What if he only desires me but does not love me? Or seeks the Crown through me? How can I trust a stranger?”
“You are a good judge of people, mistress. He would not stir you so if he were wicked. Perhaps he fears a princess cannot be won by a common warrior. Will you reject him when he comes to visit you?”
Alysa’s eyes widened as she recalled Gavin’s words near the village, and she realized he knew nothing about her. “He cannot. He does’ not know where to find me. I have not told him my name or rank. Each time we met, I was dressed as a peasant.”
Thisbe smiled victoriously. “Then he desires you for yourself and does not know he reaches for one far above him. Do not reveal yourself until his testing is done.”
“But that is dishonest. What is your meaning?”
“In your position, dear mistress, it is the only way to learn the truth. If he is wicked, he will reveal secrets to a peasant girl before doing so to the Princess of Damnonia. Be as mysterious as he is. You say he is a warrior who craves adventures. Intrigue him, and entice him to desire you beyond reason. Seek to know him fully. Afterwards, perhaps he will lose his great appeal. A man often dons a pretty face and charming manner to snare a tempting woman. But if his words are false, his allure fades with time, and you are left wiser about men and life than before. What harm and danger can there be in such learning?”
“I will think on your words. For now, I must speak with Isobail and demand to see my father. I must make him hear me. Father does not realize how grave matters are. I think Isobail keeps the truth from him, just as she keeps us apart.”
It did not take Alysa long to discover that during her bath Isobail had taken her retinue and left the castle for ten days. Ecstatic, she rushed to see her father, but the guard still refused to allow her to enter. This time he told her it was under both Alric’s and Isobail’s orders, and nothing convinced the man to obey her instead.
To avoid everyone until her temper cooled, Alysa went to the Great Hall, which was empty thi
s time of day, and paced its length. Her soft leather steps were muted on the stone floors’, and the immense room appeared to swallow her. She trembled from a damp chill which was unusual for this time of year. Without a cheery fire in the oversized hearths, and servants busying themselves with their tasks, the Great Hall was gloomy and forbidding.
Only two windows had been opened to allow sunshine and fresh air to enter, while all others remained covered by heavy tapestries which could be pulled up by cords to bare them. No candle was lit, and no hound was there to follow her or to beg a morsel from her hand. She glanced at the minstrel’s gallery around three sides of the hall, and realized how much lovely music enlivened the huge room which was deathly silent at this moment.
At one end of the Great Hall, on a raised dais, were located two ornately carved throne chairs for Prince Alric and Princess Isobail. They were situated well above floor level to emphasize the rulers’ rank over their subjects. The construction was Isobail’s idea after her marriage to Prince Alric. No items of beauty decorated the dark tables and chests surrounding the royal chairs, as if Isobail thought barrenness would intimidate nervous guests, as it did.
Alysa could imagine Isobail binding her enemies to the towering pillars that supported the roof and torturing them, for she had witnessed the woman punishing unlucky servants in such a manner. Alysa wondered why they did not all hate her, but knew they could not try to run away, which would have been their most pronounced expression of hatred. Servants and peasants were not free to leave any place without permission, and could not find work in other territories. Even if a servant or peasant did not worry about punishment falling on the heads of his family—as a man’s kin was as liable for his deeds as he was, each servant knew that his lot in life would be worse if he left home without his ruler’s approval. The few who had tried in recent years were captured and flogged, and sometimes lost an ear or a tongue or a hand, which put an end to the attempts to escape. Alysa recalled that her mother had always been kind to the servants, and that they had loved Catriona. She suspected, from the not entirely hidden expressions in the castle, that it was not so with Isobail. When her father got well, she thought, surely he would not permit Isobail’s ill treatment of his servants to continue.
Alysa’s gaze drifted around the hall, and she was repulsed by the numerous heads of animals mounted all around her, more and more of them each year. What was Isobail’s obvious fascination and love for death? she wondered. Yes, the Great Hall was no longer warm and inviting and lovely as it had been long ago.
Alysa-leaned against one of the pillars and nibbled on her lower lip. She had to figure out a way to get to her father and to reason with him. Somehow, life in Malvern Castle and in Damnonia had—
“Do not fret so, Alysa, the raiders cannot attack here,” Kyra teased as she entered the enormous hall. “No doubt they are reckless Jutes who are ruled by a blood lust. Soon Mother’s forces will have them fleeing to safety in Logris. You look so unhappy. Did the attack on the village frighten you?” Kyra wished she had been there. Surely it was exciting to see a bloody life-and-death struggle. She could imagine how blood-stirring such actions must have been.
Alysa’s gaze slipped over the blue-eyed blonde who was grinning mischievously at her. At twenty-one Kyra Ahern was an exceptional beauty, something the vain girl knew too well. Alysa looked forward to her stepsister’s marriage and departure from the castle, when and if the girl ever decided to marry. So far the older girl had eluded marriage.
The two girls had never gotten along, so Alysa had stopped trying to make peace a long time ago. She felt that Kyra was too much like her mother: untrustworthy, mean, greedy, and selfish. “Your mother refuses to allow me to visit my father. Why does she do such a vicious thing?” Alysa demanded of her stepsister, wishing it was the offensive Isobail who stood before her.
“You are a stupid girl, Alysa,” Kyra scoffed, provoked by Alysa’s tone.
“When I am your ruler, Kyra, perhaps you will not speak so boldly to me,” Alysa stated in warning, weary of Kyra’s antagonism. Today in particular she was in no mood to verbally battle her.
Tired and edgy from her long vigil last night, Kyra had not meant to remind Alysa of their hostility by speaking so hatefully to her. Presently it was Kyra’s intent to mislead Alysa with friendship, something she kept forgetting these days since it was annoying to play this part. How else could she protect herself if, or when, her mother’s black deeds were unmasked? Someone as reckless as her mother always made a slip and was exposed, she thought, as with Isobail’s careless love affair with Guinn. Besides, the sickly prince could die, and Alysa could become her ruler any day now. If she wanted to remain in the castle and retain her current rank, she had better be careful of her attitude toward Alysa. “I beg your pardon, dear sister. I fear I did not sleep well last night, and I am moody this morning. I meant to say, you are foolish for not guessing the truth.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you know nothing of a man’s pride? Your father ordered my mother to keep you and everyone from him. He does not wish anyone to see how ill he is. Perhaps he will be well soon, for he has agreed to follow the advice of the healers. Do not worry.”
“I cannot help but worry when he is so ill and our land is so overrun with trouble. It distresses me to do nothing to help.”
“Mother is taking care of everything for Prince Alric until he is well. Has she done something to displease you?”
“What could possibly displease me about her actions?” Alysa asked slyly.
“Sometimes Mother can be too stern and demanding. She forgets others have feelings, and she tramples them. She feels that if she does not gain the people’s loyalty, all could be lost while your father ails. Each day she carries out your father’s commands until the Prince is strong enough to give them himself. Even now, at his request, she rides to study the people’s problems for him. Surely you do not wish to take her place and rule for your father? It is a great responsibility. Why do you not spend time at her side to learn all you can before your day comes to rule? How could she object? You are Alric’s daughter, heir to the Crown. I admit that she does have strange ways at times, but you can learn much from her. Surely you can see how very smart she is.”
“Why do you speak such words this morning?” Alysa asked. Her senses were on full alert to uncover Kyra’s motive.
“We have fought too long because I was jealous of your rank. I feared you would never accept me as your sister. When we were children, Alysa, it was natural for us to quarrel. I was angry when you played with Thisbe instead of me. You two were always together, laughing and having fun, always leaving me alone. You made it appear as if a vassal’s daughter was more important and better than Lord Caedmon’s daughter. None of the other children would play with me if they could play with you. You do not realize how difficult it has been for me to live in the shadow of one as beautiful and highly prized as you are. Many times I vexed you just for spite or to make you notice me and include me. I realize how badly I behaved over the years because of my hurt feelings and injured pride. Now we are women, and it is wrong to continue our childish rivalry, which makes us appear foolish to others. I have recognized and confessed my guilt and meanness; surely that is enough to earn your forgiveness. Even if we cannot become friends, must we remain enemies? Please do not say yes,” Kyra urged.
Alysa did not believe Kyra was being sincere, but she was intrigued by her words. “I have never wished to be your enemy, Kyra. A woman as beautiful and highborn as you has no reason to be jealous of another. I wanted us to live and behave as sisters, but you refused to allow us to get close. I have, always believed you resented me and did not wish to be my sister or friend. Ever since Father called Sir Piaras here to be his trainer of knights after Mother’s death, Thisbe has been my closest friend. You were away with Father and Isobail, and I was all alone. But even though Thisbe and I got along so well, I never thought she was better than you, or you better than her. Rank
should never choose one’s friends or sway one’s feelings toward others. I did not know such things troubled and confused you.” Alysa hoped she did not look as insincere as she felt by speaking such words. “There is much I did not understand, Kyra,” she continued. “If I did things to hurt you, I did not mean to do so, and I ask your forgiveness. I desire peace as much as you do. Can it be that way for us?”
“If we work hard, it can,” Kyra vowed.
Not taken in by her stepsister’s obvious deceit, Alysa smiled and said, “Yes, we will both work hard on our friendship. I am sure peace between us will make our parents happy.” An idea came to mind, one that might lure Gavin to the castle. “Perhaps when Isobail returns, she will allow us to have a large feast and invite all of our friends. We will show them we are good sisters, and all will be happy for us.”
“It is a wonderful plan, Alysa. I will speak to her the moment she returns. Sir Calum is escorting me for a ride. Do you wish to join me? Mother asked me to check on the villagers once more.”
Another of Isobail’s tricks to ingratiate herself with my people, Alysa thought. There was no guessing what that woman was up to with her unexpected journey, but she would seek the reason. “I will go tomorrow if I am feeling better. I pray I am not coming down with the same gripans as Father, but my stomach rebels against me today.”
“Go to bed and let Thisbe tend you closely, little sister. If you are better by morning, we will ride together then.” Oddly, Kyra smiled brilliantly, embraced her, and left the castle.
Alysa dismissed the two crafty women from mind and headed for the kitchen to locate Leitis, to implore the head servant’s secret help with her father. If there was a devious reason why her father was ill, she must discover it, and she realized that the trusted servant might be the one to help her.
She found Leitis giving orders to the other maids and servants. As she waited for the woman to finish so they could speak privately, Alysa noticed how the head servant’s auburn hair was changing gradually to gray. At forty-eight, Leitis was tall and stout, and possessed hazel eyes that sparkled with life. Sparkled more and more each day, Alysa mused, since Leitis and Piaras were drawing closer and closer. She could not help but wonder if those two subjects would marry soon. Both had been widowed for too many years, and both deserved love and happiness.
Wild Is My Love Page 9