by Shawn Sarles
He was going to go crazy. His eyes were going to pop out of his skull and roll across his desk like squishy marbles. They’d fall unseen to the floor, where someone would unknowingly crush them underfoot.
And wouldn’t that be a relief? A release from this torture?
The pressure in his head built, a volcano primed to erupt, and Calvin couldn’t take it anymore. His eyes shut and the images rushed in at him.
Flashes of disaster. Of car wrecks and runaway trains. Of roller coaster crashes. Of drownings and house fires and tornadoes. Of an E. coli outbreak. Of hospital wards filled to capacity, patients young and old hooked up to oxygen tubes. Of screaming matches and divorced parents. Of being cold and hungry and all alone. Of fear.
It flooded through Calvin, each vision taking a piece of him with it, hollowing him out until he had nothing left. Nothing except the pain.
His eyes flew open then, a cold sweat dousing his forehead. He watched as a stray droplet slid down the lens of his glasses. He blinked and looked up at the board, but it didn’t seem like anyone had noticed.
Had he fallen asleep?
He squinted at the clock, but only a few minutes had passed.
He’d never blacked out like that. What had just happened?
A grogginess clogged Calvin’s thoughts. The sharp ache burrowing through his skull had disappeared, but he didn’t exactly feel better. Something else had taken its place—an emptiness, cold and clinging. It weighed him down, his arms and legs and head almost too heavy to lift.
A knock came at the classroom door and Calvin’s teacher paused the lesson. As he capped his dry-erase marker to check on the interruption, Calvin flexed his fingers out of habit. But something wasn’t right. He let his gaze dip to the desk, to the pen sitting firmly between his fingers.
His hand shook and the pen came loose. He didn’t recall picking it up, or opening his notebook, for that matter. But looking at the flurry of fresh pages in front of him, he knew that he must have.
Only—the pages were still blank. Or mostly blank. They were empty except for the upper-right-hand corner. Calvin slid his fingers under the open sheet of paper and lifted it closer so he could inspect the drawing.
It was the demon. His demon. The thing that had haunted him for the past five years. Dark lips and bloody tears dotting its cheeks. He flipped the page and realized that he’d drawn another one, identical to the first. And another underneath that. And again underneath that.
Calvin paged back and the drawings kept coming. But now he noticed that the demon was changing in tiny ways. Its hair and nose. The blood on its face. He suddenly understood what he’d done.
He turned back to the first picture, took the corners of the pages in his hand, and flipped through them quickly, watching as the demon transformed in front of his eyes. It lost its cruel edge, growing softer and prettier as it became a completely different person.
“Everyone.” Calvin’s teacher’s voice carried through the room, and Calvin reluctantly pulled his eyes away from his notebook. “We have a new student joining us today.”
And as Calvin’s eyes swept over the girl standing in the front of the room, his breath seized in his chest. His fingers curled around the edge of his desk, the only things keeping him from falling out of his seat. He gawked at the new girl, his thoughts suddenly blank. Because it didn’t make sense. It was impossible.
His eyes flicked from her face to his drawing. He flipped through the pages of his notebook again and again and again, watching the demon morph. Watching its hair grow shorter, its face smooth out, its eyes twinkle brighter. Watching the pencil stub appear behind its right ear. Watching as the demon became the very person standing in front of him now. This flesh-and-blood girl.
“Our fearless co-captain has finally arrived,” Elena announced as Steph followed her into the living room where the rest of the team had set up for the night.
Steph swallowed her grimace. She didn’t point out that Elena had purposely sent her the wrong time for the sleepover. That she’d had her show up two hours late as some sort of prank. Was she trying to humiliate her? Or make her look like an idiot? Did Elena really think that something so stupid would make Steph quit the team?
Steph wouldn’t be broken so easily.
“I hope you all saved a face mask for me,” she replied, pasting on her best smile, her hands clenched around her gym bag like they were wrapped around Elena’s throat. But she had to be on her best behavior tonight. She had to win these girls over. So she ignored Elena’s fake cheer and waded in.
It was like a bomb had exploded in there—a pink, glitter-filled, sugary-sweet, nail-polish-and-hair-curler kind of weapon. Colorful beads and ribbons and thread were piled on the coffee table, and there were bowls of popcorn and candy scattered throughout the room. There was even a platter of cupcakes, which it looked like the girls had iced earlier in the night.
And the girls—her teammates—she’d never seen them so animated, so at ease. They looked like sisters. Like they’d known one another for years, chattering away, laughing their heads off, wearing pajamas and looking completely comfortable as they gave one another manicures and made friendship bracelets and fought over the last kernels of popcorn.
Was this what sleepovers were supposed to be like? Spending the night at her aunt Ellen’s house with her younger brother hadn’t exactly prepared her.
“You’re here.” Kayleigh, their middle hitter, leapt to her feet and wrapped Steph in an instant hug. “I was worried you were sick or something.”
“Just running a little late,” Steph assured her and the rest of the girls, trying not to appear uncomfortable with all those eyes suddenly turned on her.
“Come and help me finish my hair.”
And Steph followed, watching the back of Kayleigh’s head, marveling at the half of her hair that was already twisted into an intricate design that ran behind her ear and down her neck.
“I don’t know how to do that,” Steph admitted as she dropped her bag and sat down on the floor.
“It’s easy,” Julia, their libero, said as she leaned over, her long red hair already swept into a plaited crown that ringed the top of her head. Her fingers moved slowly as she showed Steph the pattern, finishing the braid and then undoing her hard work.
“Now, you try.”
“I don’t know,” Steph began nervously.
“If you mess up, I can always fix it.”
Steph couldn’t argue with that, so she picked up Kayleigh’s hair and did her best.
“Not bad,” Julia said, examining Steph’s work. And it actually wasn’t terrible. But it wasn’t great either, a feeling Julia confirmed as her fingers moved lightning quick and rewove Kayleigh’s hair into a perfectly tight plait.
“You’ll have it down in no time,” Kayleigh assured Steph as she inspected her hair with the camera on her phone. “Here, get in the pic.”
And Kayleigh’s arm reached out and pulled Steph over, squashing their heads together as she grinned at the camera.
“So cute,” Kayleigh exclaimed as she showed Steph and then started typing, reading her caption out loud. “Team bonding has never looked this good #volleyballislife.”
Steph blushed as a strange feeling swirled in her stomach. She’d never had girlfriends. Not like this. But maybe the team could be like a second family. She’d always wondered what it’d be like to have sisters.
“Oh my god, Kayleigh,” Elena gushed suddenly from across the room. “James is not going to be able to resist you. It’s so fab.”
“Speaking of boys,” Julia drawled out. “Whatever happened with you and Henry?”
Elena’s smile faded, but she rebounded a millisecond later.
“We decided to go our separate ways,” Elena replied, picking through a box of nail polish as if her breakup were no big deal. “I mean, we’re in high school now. Time to grow up. We both thought it’d be good to try seeing other people.”
Steph swallowed down the words that had lea
pt into her throat. She’d seen Elena and Henry’s breakup—as had half of the freshman class—and there was nothing mutual about it. But she didn’t want to blow up Elena’s spot. It wouldn’t get Steph or the team anywhere. They still needed to come together.
“How about you, Steph?” Elena asked, her tone sweet and innocent. “Got your eyes on anyone?”
“No,” Steph sputtered, her face flushing an embarrassing red.
“What about Coach Lee’s son?” Kayleigh asked.
“Oh, Calvin’s cute,” Julia piped up encouragingly.
“I mean …” Elena drew the words out, making sure everyone was listening. “He wouldn’t be my first choice. But you do you, Steph.”
“No, I don’t—” Steph struggled to get the words out. “I don’t have a thing for Calvin.”
“He is a bit of a weirdo.” Elena spoke like she was agreeing with something Steph had said. “Really quiet. And what is he always drawing in that notebook? Very creepy.”
“I didn’t say—” Steph tried to clarify. Because she did like Calvin. He’d always been nice to her during their carpool days, at least. She just didn’t like him in that way.
You don’t like any boys in that way.
Steph yelped as the thought popped into her head. Her eyes shot up and darted around the room, afraid someone else might have heard.
“It’s okay if you like Calvin,” Elena teased, drawing Steph’s attention again as she chose a color and started working on her nails. “We won’t judge you. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a crush on one of us. Now that’d be weird.”
And if Steph hadn’t been watching Elena’s lips moving when the words had come out, she might have imagined it was all in her head.
Because it was her absolute nightmare. And the reason she couldn’t be—wasn’t gay. The girls would never trust her. They’d act weird around her, afraid she might be checking them out. It’d only give them another reason to shun her.
Luckily, Steph was saved as the doorbell rang and Elena’s mom came into the room to announce that pizza had arrived. The girls all clambered to their feet and hustled for the kitchen, Elena’s comment forgotten by everyone.
But not by Steph.
Better not let them see who you really are.
And she wouldn’t. Her gaze darted to Elena and then back down. She’d hold on to her secret for as long as she could. Even if that meant she had to take a back seat to Elena. At least for tonight.
“Steph.” Elena had found her again, calling over the kitchen island. “You’re not even in your pajamas yet.”
Steph glanced down at her sweatpants and T-shirt. She hadn’t even noticed all the other girls were in tank tops and brightly colored pajama pants.
“You brought some, didn’t you?”
Steph didn’t know what to say.
“You can borrow a pair of mine,” Elena insisted. “You’ll be way comfier.”
And though Steph was perfectly happy in the clothes she had on, she knew she couldn’t refuse the offer. But she’d keep her eyes open. She wouldn’t let Elena trick her again.
“Here, I’ll grab them from my room. And I can show you where you’re sleeping while we’re upstairs.”
Steph nodded again, swallowing her last bite of pizza, and followed Elena out of the kitchen.
“It’s really going well, don’t you think?” Elena chattered innocently enough. “Everyone’s bonding and getting along. Starting to trust each other.”
“Yeah. The sleepover was a great idea. Thanks for organizing and hosting it and all.”
Steph held back as Elena dug through her drawers. “Don’t mention it. It’s nothing a good captain wouldn’t do.”
And Steph had to make a conscious effort not to throw the co- in Elena’s face. And not to toss back the pair of hot-pink pajama pants Elena handed her.
“You’re gonna be sleeping down the hall,” Elena explained, pushing Steph out of her doorway. “Unfortunately, my room’s all full.”
If Elena had expected Steph to be upset by this announcement, she would be disappointed. Steph was perfectly happy to sleep in a different room from her conniving co-captain. That way she wouldn’t wake up with peanut butter on her face or her clothes frozen into a solid block of ice.
“No worries. I know there are a lot of us.”
“You’ll be in here.”
Elena had stopped at the end of the hall. And Steph remembered the bedroom the second she stepped foot inside. She recognized the furniture and bedspread. The keepsakes sitting on top of the dresser. She’d been here before. Five years ago.
“Wasn’t this your grandmother’s room?”
Elena gave her a puzzled look, but then seemed to remember. “That’s right. I’d forgotten we used to carpool.”
An awkward beat passed between them.
“Well, just be careful. And try not to break anything.”
Steph noticed Elena glancing nervously at the shrouded mirror as she said this.
“You can get changed and then meet us back downstairs. I think it’s time for a round of Truth or Dare.”
Steph nodded and tried to look excited, even though the game could only get her in trouble. Then with a flounce, Elena disappeared.
Alone finally, Steph let herself exhale. She stretched her neck to both sides and winced as her bones cracked. She hadn’t realized how tense she’d been. How wound up she got around Elena, worried about every word out of her mouth and what it might reveal. It was so much easier on the court. Her play could do the talking.
She moved over to the bed and set her bag down. But glancing around the room, she noticed that hers was the only duffel there. Elena wouldn’t have stuck her in here by herself, would she? Steph weighed the hot-pink pajama pants as she thought.
Actually, it sounded like exactly the kind of thing Elena would do. Isolate the competition.
She let the pajamas slip through her fingers and fall onto the bed. She needed a minute. Or maybe five. She pushed her hands back through her hair and pulled the strands into a ponytail. Her legs hummed and she started pacing around the small room, feeling suddenly restless.
Did Elena know? Did she suspect? Was that why she’d thrown her in this room all by herself?
Steph’s doubts hurtled by, moving faster than she could walk. Faster than she could think.
Was that Elena’s plan to get the captain spot all to herself?
Steph froze as the thought hit her.
Then the closet door groaned, and Steph caught the glimpse of a shadow dancing across the wall. She jumped, her heart in her throat, and turned, expecting to find one of the other girls there, her roommate for the night. But she was alone.
She knew she’d heard something, though. She wasn’t imagining it. She took a few steps toward the closet and squinted as she peered into its dark belly, her scalp prickling, waiting for something to jump out at her.
When nothing did, she pulled back, pushing the closet door the rest of the way shut. She glanced back at the wall, tracing the shadow’s path, remembering how it had dipped low before disappearing. Before it had hidden away.
She took a few cautious steps and found herself standing in front of the shrouded mirror. The one that they’d played their game in all those years ago.
It had seemed childish back then. But now—now Steph had seen that girl in the halls at school. Did that mean that it was real? Was she Steph’s soulmate?
Steph hadn’t worked up the courage to talk to her. She was too afraid, terrified that it’d confirm the truth. That Steph liked girls. That she was gay.
But that hadn’t stopped her from looking for the girl, marveling over the way her stomach fluttered and her heart thumped faster every time she caught glimpses of her in the halls.
Admit it. You’re in love.
Steph startled and she realized she’d moved closer to the mirror. What would happen if she took another peek? Would she see the girl again? It couldn’t hurt, could it?
Her hand hove
red in front of her, reaching for the sheet, ready to pull it aside.
“Boo!”
Steph screamed as the shadow reappeared suddenly, lunging at her from behind the mirror, its sharp fingers set to rake her open, to spill blood all over the floor. She shot backward, her legs knocking into the edge of the bed. Her arms windmilled in giant circles as she tried to catch her balance, but she couldn’t hold on and flopped unceremoniously onto her back, the mattress groaning underneath her sudden weight.
It was then that Steph heard a familiar cackle at the bedroom door. She turned and saw Elena smiling wickedly down at her, the girl’s phone out and recording. Over by the mirror, Kayleigh moved into view, laughing her head off, too. And Steph, her face reddening with embarrassment, realized that Elena had set up this whole embarrassing episode.
“You should have seen your face,” Elena said around her smirk. “Oh wait, you can.”
And she flipped her phone around so Steph could watch the whole thing. Kayleigh leaping out from behind the mirror to scare her. Steph’s tall frame falling back onto the bed like a clumsy, oversized oaf. Like the giant crashing down from its beanstalk.
“Timber.”
Then right there in front of Steph’s eyes, Elena attached the video to a text message and sent it out to their entire team.
She was enjoying this too much, rewatching the clip over and over again as Kayleigh joined her at the bedroom door.
“See you downstairs,” Elena quipped, and then the girls disappeared, their laughter echoing down the hallway, ringing in Steph’s ears as she wallowed in her embarrassment.
She wanted to curl up in the comforter and not show her face for the rest of the night. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to crack Elena’s head open, watch it deflate like a punctured volleyball.
Steph jolted up off the bed, fear coursing through her. Where had that rage come from? It scared her that she could think such terrible thoughts. That she could imagine her fist smashing right through Elena’s skull.