She didn’t come to her senses until his tongue traced her breast mounds, peeking above the low dress bodice. Even then, her cautionary words raced right out her mind when he slipped a hand inside her bodice and swept her right breast free to his wet caresses.
He was the one who finally called a halt, because he could have swept her out of the buggy and under the tree with no resistance on her part. Breathing harsh and heavy in the evening air and abandoning her breast to cool while the nipple puckered even tighter with longing, he released her. Laying his head back against the buggy seat, his eyes closed and chest rising and falling, he moaned a sound that made her want to fling herself back into his arms.
“My God,” he said after a moment, eyes glittering with passion when he turned his head to face her. “I nearly ravaged you right here on the buggy seat.”
She smiled cockily. “Ravage means with force, doesn’t it? I wasn’t giving you any reason to believe I wasn’t fully cooperating, was I?”
His eyes swept down her face, over her bodice and centered on the breast she hadn’t been aware still perked from her dress. The indiscretion heated her cheeks in embarrassment, something his caresses hadn’t been able to effect. But when she reached for her breast, Shane grabbed her hands.
Gently, he laid her hands in her lap and took the breast himself. Gently, he bent and kissed it, then tucked it back into place, covering it with the silk material of her bodice. He looked at the mound with regret, traced a finger along the top of it, then laid his head against the seat back again.
“We’ll go in a minute,” he said with another groan.
That was fine with Ellie. Right now she felt on the very edge of exploding with the passion Shane stirred in her, and the motion of the buggy might just send her over that mountain. She laid her head back, also, but her breathing brushed her breast tips against the silk, and she finally sat up straight. Hadn’t Darlene said something about putting a lady’s fan in her reticule?
She found the reticule on the floorboard and opened it. Yes, there was a fan. Pulling it out, she spread it and waved it back and forth in front of her face.
“Got another one of those?” Shane asked.
Ellie laughed delightedly and fanned his face a few times. Shaking his head at her, Shane picked up the reins.
“I don’t supposed you would consider staying in town with me tonight,” Shane said as they drove into town a few minutes later.
“I would not,” Ellie replied in mock haughtiness. “Why, whatever would people think?”
He laughed, drove on and halted the buggy in front of the hotel a few minutes later. The hotel doorman hurried out and tied the horse to a hitching rail, but when he reached to help Ellie from the buggy, Shane waved him off. He climbed down and turned back, lifting her easily when she trustingly placed her hands on his shoulders.
Shane dug a coin from his pocket and gave it to the doorman, then led Ellie up the hotel steps. Inside, a prim and proper waiter met then, greeting Shane and leading the way through the restaurant, toward the back. The waiter opened a door to a private dining room, which contained a table already set with sparkling china and lighted candles. A single, gorgeous red rose lay across one of the plates.
“It’s beautiful,” she said.
Shane waved the waiter off, closing the door on him and seating her himself, at the place setting where the rose lay. Silver platters and covered dishes over low flames sat on the sideboard, along with a wine bottle in ice and sparkling glasses. Shane ignored all that for the moment.
“There’s a way you could spend the night with me, Ellie,” he said as though picking up the previous conversation.
He knelt on one knee beside her, and Ellie’s hand flew to her throat. Without taking his eyes off her, Shane picked up her other hand in his left and removed a small velvet box from his suit jacket pocket with his right.
“I love you, Ellie,” he said. “I need you in my life. Without you, there’s an unbearable, empty hole. With you, I feel complete.”
He turned her hand over and kissed her palm, then flicked the velvet box open with his thumb. Holding out the beautiful diamond and sapphire ring to her, he said, “Marry me, Ellie. Be my wife.”
Her breath, which she hadn’t even realized she was holding, rushed out, destroying the dam against her turbulent thoughts at the same time. The ring shone in the candlelight, beckoned her with everything she had thought she wanted so many nights after a hard-working, emotionally-draining day on the ranch. A life of ease and freedom to work when she wished, play when it suited her. Most of all, a life with a man by her side who loved her above all others. Who would walk with her into the sunset years of her life, never leaving her lonely again.
So why did the ring glow mockingly rather than enticingly?
Because she wasn’t ready to make that final commitment until she sorted through all the things that had happened the last couple weeks. Because she wanted to be sure which woman accepted Shane’s proposal—Ellie Parker or Cynthia Spencer. Or the third woman perhaps waiting inside her for acknowledgement.
With an enormous effort from the bottom of her soul, she made the only decision possible for herself at the moment.
Ever so slowly, so very, very slowly, Ellie shook her head, watching Shane’s face crumble as she did so.
“I...didn’t expect this,” she managed to say, at the same time knowing it wasn’t a complete surprise. “We...we were going to talk.”
Closing the ring box and flinging it onto the table, Shane rose to his feet. He jammed his hands into his trouser pockets and walked over in front of the window curtains, closed to give the room privacy.
Swinging around, he said, “Then talk.”
Chapter 26
Rising to her feet, Ellie clutched the locket around her neck as though seeking courage. She might need it. The man in the room with her was twice her weight, probably ten times her strength.
Then one of the candles on the sideboard flared, lighting up Shane’s face. The ravaged, in-pain look in his eyes filled Ellie with remorse at what she had done. She needn’t fear this man physically, she reminded herself. What she needed to remember was how easily she could hurt him.
Which she had obviously done quite effectively.
She took a step toward him. “Shane, I thought I explained to you yesterday that I needed some time. I do love you—”
“No,” he interrupted. “Not really,” he qualified at her puzzled look. “Love includes trust and complete acceptance.”
She bit her lip, unable to dispute that.
“I don’t blame you,” he continued in a musing voice. “In fact, I understand completely. Had I known the woman I would find when I came here—were I able to go back and change things, I would. But it’s not possible. I’ve done what I’ve done, and if forgiveness is beyond you, it’s for the best. I want completeness with you or nothing.”
He returned to the table and held the back of her chair, standing as far away from her as he possibly could. “We can at least eat before I take you back to the ranch.”
She shook her head. “I’ve lost my appetite. I thought you wanted to talk.”
“There’s nothing more to say, Ellie. You say you need time, and if that is all it takes, you know how to contact me if you decide a life with me is what you want. If I happen to end up a part of your final decision.”
“Oh, Shane—”
He continued as though she hadn’t tried to interrupt. “But I don’t think time’s going to heal the deception I so stupidly played out. If you’re ready, I’ll take you home now.”
She bit her lip, trying to decide how to make him talk to her. He avoided her gaze and silently waited for her answer, as he had so many previous times. After a moment, his silence flicked her anger into rearing its ugly peak, and she straightened her shoulders. With a frosty toss of her head, she walked out of the room, Shane following.
The waiter in the hallway looked askance at both of them, but quickly masked his f
ace. Hurrying ahead, he glanced back once to confirm they were indeed leaving the hotel. He snapped his fingers at the doorman, who covered up his own surprise and hastily retrieved the buggy he had moved on down the street.
They rode back to the ranch in silence, with Ellie utterly furious at Shane’s refusal to re-open their conversation. Damn him, it was a good thing she wasn’t going to marry him. She would never survive the rest of her life having to suffer these silences that were such a huge part of him.
She might not survive without him at all, either.
He kept the horse at a trot, and they reached the ranch fairly quickly. Climbing out of the buggy on her side as soon as it stopped, she walked onto the porch without waiting for Shane. He caught her at the door, stared at her for a lingering moment as he handed her the rose from her plate, then turned and went back to the buggy.
Silent again.
She held the rose to her nose as he left, only realizing she was crying when the tears clouded her eyes so densely she couldn’t see the buggy. Backhanding them away, she watched until the buggy disappeared in the distance, and even the dust settled.
Shane never looked back. And she didn’t even realize that was what she was waiting for until he was gone from sight.
* * * *
After turning the buggy over to the doorman again, Shane shoved his fists into his pockets and strode down the street. He would never be able to sleep yet—maybe not at all tonight. And if his mother heard him back in his room, she would be over there in a flash, demanding to know how his evening with Ellie had gone.
I asked her to marry me and she turned me down flat, Mother.
Shane could see the dismayed look on his mother’s face in his mind, a look not even close to matching the bitter pain in his heart.
“How many times are you going to open your heart and let some woman cut pieces out of it, Morgan?” he murmured as he walked down two steps leading to an alley bisecting the tall building. A sound in the darkness drew his attention, and he halted, peering toward it. A rangy hound raised its head from a pile or garbage, but the street light showed a collar on the animal’s neck and well fed ribs on its body. Someone’s pet who preferred rummaging in rubbish to his dish of dog food, he guessed.
The animal snarled at him, obviously preferring his meal of rubbish well enough to defend it.
“Shit,” Shane grumbled as he strode on across the alley. “Even the animals hate me tonight.”
Spying a crowd ahead of him, an unforeseen experience this time of evening, he decided to investigate. It would give him something to do instead of fighting to ignore his aching heart and loneliness as he strolled alone through the night.
Give him something to think about instead of whether Ellie were truly trying to decide if she could forgive his deceit—or decide if she could overlook the marred body she would have to sleep beside the rest of her life if she changed her mind and allowed him back into her life. Overlook the fact that she might prefer to make love with the lights off from now on.
He snorted in disgust. He had already come to terms with the truth that Ellie didn’t mind his scars. He was only trying to justify his misery.
A pity party wasn’t his usual bag after a disappointment in his life. But then, he had never had such a devastating disappointment as this one. Looking back, losing Anastasia wasn’t even remotely this hard to endure emotionally.
And if he were honest with himself, some tiny little flame of hope still flickered far down in his belly—in his heart—when he remembered the night he and Ellie had made love in his room at the ranch. Maybe, just maybe—God, he hoped she might decide to forgive him. She didn’t have to accept his proposal right away. She only had to give him another chance. He would spend however long it took to prove he would never lie to her again—at his own instigation or another’s.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The old adage rang in Shane’s mind, and the flame of hope flickered a bit higher. But then it died into darkness.
Hope had been crushed one too many times at Ellie’s small feet.
To forestall the sad, empty hole in his feelings, Shane concentrated on the activity down the street. A steam engine sat on the tracks near the crowd, puffs of idle smoke spurting now and then as the boilers maintained departure readiness. The puffs of noise accompanying the smoke were strangely comforting in the still air.
However, as Shane passed the depot building, he saw that most of the activity centered further back on the baggage and flat cars, where men unloaded crates and some sort of machinery. As he drew closer, he saw animal cages and at one car, men leading horses down a ramp.
Another circus. He shook his head. Full circle here in this town.
Someone tugged on his leg. Shane looked down into the excited eyes of a boy around ten.
“Ain’t it wonderful, Mister?” the boy said. “Someday I’m gonna join the circus!”
“What’s your name, son?” Shane asked.
“Lucky, sir,” he said.
“I bet you’ve enjoyed yourself recently, then, Lucky,” Shane told him tolerantly. “Two circuses the past couple weeks.”
“Yeah, but this ‘uns the big circus. T’other one, it was just sort of a tease for this ‘un, my grampa said. This ‘un’s got trapeze artists and a bunch a elef...elef...them animals with them long, snaky noses.”
“Elephants.”
“Yeah. T’other circus, it only had a couple of them. This ‘un’s got...” He lowered his voice in awe. “This ‘un’s got six of ‘em.”
Another boxcar door opened, and the Lucky’s eyes rounded. Shane followed his gaze and saw an elephant stroll ponderously down the wooden ramp, followed by another one with the first one’s tail in its trunk. Then another. The boy forgot all about Shane and raced through the crowd to get a better look.
Without Lucky’s lively, excited presence, the sad hole in Shane’s mind expanded. Glancing at the idle engine again, he made up that mind. He turned into the depot where, given the arrival of this late train, the station master would still be working.
“Can I help you, sir?” the man behind the ticket counter asked when Shane approached. He wore a badge with the name Cletus on it, and Shane nodded at him.
“Hope so, Cletus. When does your next train leave?”
“Not till day after tomorrow.”
Shane frowned. “What about this train here?”
“This one here ain’t scheduled to go on tonight. It’ll just move to a side track and wait for its next load. If it don’t get one in the next two days, the circus will load back on and go to its next stop.”
Shane studied the schedule behind the ticket counter. Now that he had made up his mind, he didn’t feel like waiting.
“You wanting to leave tonight, sir?” Cletus asked.
“If I could. I’m trying to get back to New York City. I—something has come up that needs my immediate attention back there.”
Cletus picked up a piece of paper from the counter in front of him. “You can get there from over in Dallas early tomorrow morning,” he said, handing Shane a train schedule. “But that train leaves at six, and the engineer on it don’t wait for no one.”
“How long a ride over to Dallas is it?”
Cletus glanced at the clock, which indicated ten thirty. “You could be there around one a.m., you have a fast horse. Even a slower one oughta take you there in plenty of time for the train.”
“What about lodging over there?”
“There’s a nice hotel a couple blocks from the train station. It’s never full this time of year.”
“I imagine everyone who can afford it leaves town and goes somewhere north in this heat,” Shane mused.
“Yes sir.”
Shane shoved the schedule in his pocket. “Thanks, Cletus.”
Cletus bobbed his head, and Shane left the depot building.
On his way back to the hotel, he paused at one point, realizing the heat really hadn’t bothered him that much t
he last few days. In fact, he had found himself strangely drawn to the wild, dusty and unending land around him.
His own ancestors had been among the original settlers in the New World, yet they had never spread beyond New York. Still, some of their adventurous genes may have been lying in wait in Shane, raising their lusty little adventurous heads when they found themselves in Texas.
Funny, he could even say the name of the state now in his mind with liking rather than revulsion.
He wondered how much of this new feeling was the result of actually coming to enjoy the land and how much of it was a direct result of the wonderful woman he had found here. The woman who would be forever beyond his reach because of his own self-centered erroneous decision on how to investigate the matter his mother begged him to handle.
Shrugging, he crossed the alley, spying the dog still at its odorous meal as he hurried to the hotel. Pulling a large bill from his pocket, he handed it to the doorman along with his room key, and gave him instructions. Then he went on to the stables, returning on Blackjack a while later to pick up the bag the doorman handed him and give the man a note to put in the message box for his mother’s room.
Settling himself deep in the saddle for the long ride, he nudged Blackjack into a smooth canter toward Dallas.
Chapter 27
The instant she woke the next morning, Ellie knew she had made a huge mistake. Eyes swollen from sobbing nearly all night, she turned her head and saw the crushed and mangled rose on the pillow beside her. With a gasp of dismay, she reached out and smoothed the petals.
“Ellie, are you all right?”
Through puffy eyes, Ellie made out Fatima sitting in the windowseat.
“No,” Ellie admitted. “I’ve made a huge mistake. I turned down Shane’s proposal.”
Fatima’s jaw clenched, and Ellie prepared for another round of nearly inedible meals. She scooted up in bed and leaned against the headboard. Picking up the rose, she sniffed it, the scent revitalizing the tears in her eyes, although she couldn’t understand where they found the necessary moisture in her arid body. She had cried all night, both consciously and unconsciously, waking with a wet face even after the few dregs of restless sleep she managed.
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