'Til I Kissed You

by Pam Howes

  ‘What kind of weird feelings? You’re all flushed. Come on, tell me.’

  He looked up at the ceiling for a long moment and sniffed. ‘Well - they’re very un-brotherly feelings. I shouldn’t be getting them and I’m embarrassed that I am.’

  Jess looked away and sucked in her cheeks.

  ‘Say something to me, Jess, for God’s sake. Tell me to stop being stupid.’ She remained silent. Jon wished he’d kept his mouth shut. Then she spoke quietly, not quite looking him in the eye.

  ‘I have very un-sisterly feelings towards you, too,’ she mumbled.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  She blushed. ‘After that time in France when you said you wished you were Nick, I’ve often wondered what you’re like naked and how it would feel to kiss you properly on the lips.’

  Jon blew out his cheeks and nodded. ‘Maybe we’re attracted to one another because we’re half-siblings and not fully blood related.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Jess shrugged. ‘It’s very wrong to feel like this. Maybe it’s because I’m missing Nick or something. But even when I was with Nick, it never stopped me feeling jealous when you were with one or other of your girlfriends, especially Helen. I used to think hey, that’s my big brother you’re snogging. I always wondered what she was feeling while you were kissing her.

  ‘I was irrationally jealous of Nick,’ Jon confessed. ‘When he told me you’d first slept together I wanted to thump him and wipe the smile from his face, even though he was my best mate. I couldn’t bear the thought of him touching you like that. I had a job keeping my feelings under control that day.’

  ‘I saw it in your face,’ she said. ‘He was always jealous of our closeness. Poor Nick, I think maybe he was a little insecure with me, which is probably the reason he wanted us to marry quickly.’ She reached out and stroked his cheek with her plastered hand.

  He took hold of it. ‘This is coming off tomorrow.’

  ‘It is, thank God.’

  He uncurled her fingers. ‘I bet it will feel really strange for a while.’

  She nodded.

  He wrapped a tendril of her hair around his finger. ‘I want to kiss you,’ he said softly.

  Jess closed her eyes and sighed. ‘Jon, we can’t, can we?’

  ‘We shouldn’t, but we can.’

  ‘And if we do, then what?’

  ‘We might not like it,’ he teased.

  ‘That’s true.’

  ‘Well, then?’

  ‘Well …then.’ She looked at him.

  He took her in his arms and kissed her very gently on the lips. She responded, kissing him back.

  ‘Well?’ He smiled, pulling away.

  ‘Well!’ she replied, nodding.

  He kissed her again and held her close, feeling the warmth of her body through her nightdress.

  ‘Oh, Jess,’ he sighed into her hair.

  She ran her good hand through his curls and smiled. ‘That was wonderful. I had good reason to be jealous of Helen, didn’t I?’

  ‘Did you?’ He lowered her back against the pillows and lay beside her, kissing her again. He undid the buttons down the front of her nightdress and slid his hand inside, touching her breasts. She gasped and kissed him harder, moving her body closer as his tongue probed hers.

  ‘Jess,’ he sighed, holding her close.

  ‘We’d better stop, before we go too far,’ she said as his hand brushed down across her stomach towards her thighs.

  ‘I know. I don’t want to though, it feels so right.’

  ‘It does, but it scares me. We shouldn’t feel this way. It’s incestuous and against the law.’

  He nodded. ‘Not only that, Dad would kill me. I’d better sit away from you, you’re making me horny.’

  ‘Tell me about Angie’s family; that will take your mind off

  things.’

  ‘You reckon?’ He lifted her into a sitting position and re-buttoned her nightdress.

  ‘I bet you’ve never done that before, buttoned anyone up.’

  ‘Just the opposite,’ he said, grinning. He told her about his visit to Aunt Sally’s. ‘So, do you fancy coming to Hastings with me for a few days?’ he finished.

  ‘I’d love to. My ankle plaster comes off next week and I start physiotherapy. So what about going at the end of November? My ankle should be strong enough to hobble around on properly by then.’

  ‘That sounds fine. I can let Sean know a week or two before we go. I need to take the time off before Livvy finishes for her leave.’

  ‘Is she going on holiday?’

  ‘Oh shit! I forgot, you don’t know.’

  ‘Don’t know what?’ Jess frowned.

  ‘She’s pregnant. She’s going on maternity leave soon.’

  ‘No. Bloody hell! She hasn’t wasted much time finding someone else, has she?’

  ‘Jess, the baby’s Roy’s.’

  Jess’s jaw dropped. ‘Fuck! Sammy will kill him when she finds out.’

  ‘She knows. Roy’s visiting Livvy tonight to discuss what she wants to do.’

  ‘I can’t believe it. How does Roy feel? He’s forty-two. He’s far too old to be bringing kids into the world.’

  ‘Well obviously he’s not. It would appear that he’s still in very good working order.’

  ‘Nick would have had something to say about this. Does Jason know?’

  ‘I don’t know. I haven’t seen much of Jason recently; he’s always with that Jules guy.’

  ‘I just can’t believe it,’ Jess said, shaking her head.

  ‘I’m going to bed now, Jess. I’ll see you in the morning before I go to work.’ Jon leant over and kissed her gently on the lips again, but she pulled him close and kissed him back, running her fingers through his curls.

  ‘I wish you could stay with me and hold me all night. I haven’t been held all night since the accident,’ she said, a catch in her voice.

  ‘I wouldn’t be able to trust myself,’ Jon responded truthfully. ‘I’d want to shag you and then we’d be really breaking the law.’

  ‘But we’re not doing any real harm just kissing and cuddling, are we? So long as we don’t get too carried away.’

  Jon grinned. ‘It’s a deal. See you in the morning. Goodnight, Jess.’

  ‘Night, Jon.’

  ***

  Jane ran upstairs and found Jon leaning with his back against Jess’s bedroom door, his eyes closed, breathing deeply.

  ‘Jon, are you okay?’ she asked, taking in his flushed cheeks and haywire curls.

  ‘Fine, Mum. Just a bit tired. It was quite an emotional time at Aunt Sally’s.’

  ‘I’m sure. Are you off to bed now?’

  ‘Yes, I’ve said goodnight to Jess. I’ll nip down and say goodnight to Dad.’

  ‘'Okay, love.’ Jane stared after him as he ran lightly down the stairs. She shook her head and knocked on Jess’s door.

  ‘What have you forgotten now?’ Jess called out in a teasing voice.

  Jane opened the door and peeped in. ‘It’s me, Jess, not Jon.’

  ‘Oh hi, Mum. Come in.’

  ‘Are you okay, is the radiator too hot in this room? You look flushed and so did Jon.’ Jess’s cheeks had a bloom to them and her eyes sparkled for the first time in weeks.

  ‘I’m alright,’ she replied. ‘Jon was telling me about his mum’s family and how his grandma’s invited us both for a visit.’

  ‘When you consider the bad feeling between her and your dad, I think it’s a very nice gesture,’ Jane said. ‘It shows she’s willing to put the past behind her. Do you fancy going with Jon?’

  ‘Yeah definitely. It will give me something to look forward to. Hey, Mum, what about Roy, then? If it weren’t such a serious matter I’d laugh. Fancy slipping up at his age! He’ll never live it down, will he? What on earth will Pat and Tim make of it all?’

  ‘Heaven only knows.’ Jane rolled her eyes ‘Right, I’ll check on the kids and then your dad and I are going to bed. See you in the morning, love.�
�� She bent to kiss Jess goodnight. ‘God, you reek of Jon’s cologne.’

  Jess smiled. ‘Well he kissed me goodnight before he left the room. Probably went over the top, splashing it on before he went on his visit.’

  Jane nodded and left the room. She frowned as she went into Katie’s room and pulled the curtains across. Jon’s musky cologne had smelt strongly on Jess, more so than a fleeting kiss would have left behind. There was his flushed face, too and his usually neat curls standing on end. Maybe Jess had had a weepy session and he’d cuddled her for a while, although she certainly didn’t have swollen eyes or a blotchy face. In fact, Jess looked chirpy tonight, more animated than she’d looked since the accident. Had she and Jon been kissing properly?

  Jane pushed the unbidden thought to the back of her mind. Things like that didn’t happen in families like theirs. Jess and Jon were close, like brother and sister should be. Ah but, the thought mocked, they’re not brother and sister, and Jane was aware that there had always been an attraction between them. From the moment he’d clapped eyes on her, Jon had been devoted to Jess and she in turn had always been a flirty little Madam around her brother. Jane shook her head and closed Katie’s door quietly behind her. Dom was flat out and she swept his fringe from his eyes and smiled. She mustn’t think along those lines. It was a ridiculous notion anyway and one she certainly wasn’t going to share with Ed. He’d think she was cracking up.’

  ***

  Sally was pleased with the way her nephew’s visit had gone. It was strange, but wonderful, seeing Angie’s child again after all the years apart. He was so tall and handsome and had lovely manners. At long last Eddie Mellor had redeemed himself in her mother’s eyes. He’d brought Jonathon up to be a decent young man.

  Sally had fully expected Jon to resemble Angie in looks, but he hadn’t and he certainly didn’t look like her distant memories of Eddie. He hadn’t the vivid blue eyes or Eddie’s straight, glossy brown hair. Jon’s curls, similar to Angie’s, were dark and abundant and his eyes, fringed with thick sooty lashes, were a deep penetrating green.

  With her mother settled in bed, Sally took out a photograph album from the cupboard. It was her “Angie album” filled with snapshots of her sister. There were photos of Angie and Eddie before and after their marriage and then with Jon. She’d planned to show Jon the album during his visit, but had decided against it and was keeping it for a time when maybe she could see him on his own. He must have been dying to ask questions about his mother, but there had been too much going on with her own brood here too and he’d been quite shy at first. Still, that was only to be expected, he hadn’t known any of them from Adam.

  Martin brought her a cup of tea and sat down opposite.

  ‘I’m just looking at my “Angie album,”’ she told him. ‘It’s tragic really; looking at all these photographs and thinking back to how vibrant and lively she used to be. There’s a photograph here of her taken at an early Raiders gig with the group and her friend Cathy. Angie’s draped all over Eddie, she really loved him at that time.’ Sally shook her head sadly and turned the page. There were more photographs of Jon and his mother alongside Sally’s own children. Another photograph, taken at Jon’s second birthday party, showed the ever-widening gulf between his young parents. They looked like distant strangers, Sally thought, posing with their son as he blew out the candles on his cake.

  She turned to the last page, which contained photographs from the spring following the couple’s separation. One, taken at her son Kevin’s birthday party, showed a beaming Angie sitting on a garden bench with Jon on her knee. Next to her, his arm protectively around her shoulders was Richard Price. Sally smiled, remembering how very happy Angie had been at that time, with plans to marry Richard as soon as their respective divorces were granted. As Sally looked closely at the photo, trying to recapture some of her sister’s lively presence, she was conscious of a prickling sensation on the back of her neck and gave an involuntary shiver.

  ‘What’s wrong, Sal?’ Martin looked closely at her face.

  ‘Nothing,’ she replied, closing the book quickly. ‘Just a little ghost running over my grave.’

  ‘Okay, well I’m off to bed now. I’ll leave you alone with your memories for a while. Don’t stay up too late.’ He bent to kiss her and left the room.

  Sally opened the album again. She took the photo of Angie, Richard and Jon from beneath the protective plastic cover and carried it over to the standard lamp. She studied it intently, and gasped. Jonathon was Richard’s double. She sat back down on her chair. Why hadn’t she noticed it before? The dark curls were an instant giveaway and she remembered now that Richard’s eyes had been a very definite shade of green.

  There could be no other explanation, it was staring her right in the face. Richard was surely Jon’s father and not Eddie Mellor, as Angie had led them all to believe. Sally rummaged in her cupboard and took out a packet of photographs. Sifting through them she selected three of her sister and Richard. She held them under the lamp and scrutinised them. One was very clear, a close up of Richard with three-year-old Jon on his shoulders and even at that tender age the likeness was apparent. But the now adult Jon was so much the image of Richard back then that Sally was convinced she couldn’t possibly be mistaken - the pair could easily pass as twins.

  Her heart thudded so loudly she was sure her mother and Martin could hear it upstairs. Had Angie herself known? If so, she certainly hadn’t confided in Sally. There was probably only one other person in the world who would know for sure and that was Cathy, Angie’s best friend, and Sally didn’t have an address or phone number for her. Maybe Jonathon would know, after all, Cathy was his godmother and Sally also remembered from past newspaper reports that she had married one of The Raiders. Carl Harrison, the keyboard player. Eddie and Jane would be sure to keep in touch with them.

  Sally decided that she would call Jonathon in the morning and ask for Cathy’s phone number on the pretext that her mother wished to see her again for old time’s sake. She put away the photographs, not relishing the thought of her mother looking through them tomorrow and coming up with the same conclusion. Thank goodness she hadn’t brought out the album while Jon was here. Daughter Grace never missed a trick and would be certain to have spotted the likeness immediately.

  ***

  ‘Morning, Mr Cantello, err, Roy,’ Sharon said, blushing as Roy leant on the reception desk.

  He smiled sleepily at her and winked at Avril as he collected his room key and said, ‘Hold any calls to my room until after eleven, please.’

  ‘Certainly,’ Sharon nodded, following him with narrowed eyes as he disappeared around the corner.

  ‘He looks as though he’s just spent the night on the tiles,’ she said, as Avril busily filed her nails.

  ‘He certainly looks knackered,’ Avril agreed, pursing her glossy red lips.

  ‘He looks nice though, with that stubbly chin and those sleepy, sexy eyes, all kind of wicked,’ Sharon said dreamily. ‘Lucky girl, whoever she was.’

  ***

  Roy tossed his clothes on the floor and stumbled thankfully into bed. He needed a few hours’ kip before Sammy arrived. He’d lain awake most of the night, going over in his head the events of the last few hours and how he could find the right words to tell Sammy what he would like to do for Livvy and the kid. He couldn’t see her putting up too much opposition. In fact, he felt quite sure she wouldn’t once he’d explained that he had no intentions of making a home or future with Livvy.

  He needed to stay married to Sammy, wanted to be home with her, sharing her bed and her lovely body. Financially, divorce would be a disaster for him. He wasn’t short of money, far from it. The Raiders had amassed a small fortune and he and Ed continued to rake in the royalties from their song-writing. But a lot of his money was tied up in investments and property and had been used to furnish their comfortable lifestyle. Apart from a succession of fancy cars and expensive holidays over the years, he’d bought their own large home, detach
ed bungalows for his and Sammy’s parents and he’d spent a fortune educating the boys until Nick had been expelled and Jason had opted for a state college.

  Along with Ed he’d purchased the farmhouse and land in Brittany, owned an investment property in Tuscany, where his father’s elderly brother and wife, who took care of the place, still lived. He’d invested money in Sammy’s business and owned the factory buildings and the two shops where her designs were sold. He had a feeling that if divorce were ever on the cards again, Sammy would carry out her threat and take him to the cleaners.

  He’d eventually dropped off to sleep at about four thirty and Livvy had woken him at six when she’d gone to the loo. She’d crept back into bed and snuggled up to him whispering that she wanted to make love again. He’d feigned sleep, but she was familiar with his weaknesses and before too long she got her way. So all in all he was worn out and his batteries needed some serious re-charging.

  ***

  ‘Thank, God for that,’ Jess said as she and Eddie strolled out of outpatients.

  ‘Are you okay, sweetheart?’ He slung his arm around her shoulders.

  ‘Yes, Dad, I’m just glad to get out of there. This place doesn’t hold very happy memories for me.’

  ‘Not for any of us, Jess. It’s where Angie died, too.’

  ‘Dad, I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’ She squeezed his arm. ‘I’ll have to grin and bear it again next week when I have my ankle plaster removed, but then that’s it. I hope I never have to set foot in there again.’

  ‘Did the clinic confirm the physiotherapy appointment?’

  ‘Yes, I start next Tuesday for my wrist and the following week for my ankle. I’m looking forward to going back to work once I’ve built up some strength. I’m getting bored at home all day.’

  ‘I tell you what, let’s pop home first while I call Roy and then we’ll go into town, surprise Jon and take him out for lunch,’ Eddie suggested.

  ‘Err, oh okay,’ Jess said.

  ‘What’s the matter? Don’t you want to go? I thought it would make a change for you.’