by Claire Adams
“Your mom seems nice, though. Your stepdad didn’t really say much—he’s not much of a talker, is he?”
I stared off into the darkness, listening to the peepers somewhere in the distance. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into that whole story about Bill. “We don’t always get along,” I finally said.
“I could tell. I think that can be kind of common with stepparents.”
“It’s not that,” I said. I didn’t want him to think this was some case of us not getting along simply because he wasn’t my father yet he was married to my mother. “He basically tried to sexually assault me when I was 15.”
“What?”
“We’d had an all right relationship before that, but then that happened, and things obviously haven’t been the same since.”
“Shit. And your mom stayed with him?”
“She doesn’t know it happened. It wouldn’t go over with her very well. And it’s not like anything happened anyway, so it’s better to just let these things go. I’m sure he’d just deny it. And my mom wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway.”
Cole let out a deep breath. “I know how that is. But damn, Allie. That’s kind of messed up—we just had dinner with the guy. I should’ve fucking clocked him.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. He probably doesn’t even remember that it happened, which doesn’t make it better or anything, but—”
“Is that why you’re a virgin?” Cole asked suddenly.
“Excuse me?” I said, laughing. “Where did that even come from?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “It just seems like that might have something to do with it. Even if nothing happened that night, you might still be harboring some of that trauma—”
“I’m not traumatized by it. Maybe I was a little then, but it was almost 10 years ago at this point.”
“People can carry that sort of shit with them their whole lives.”
“Please. I don’t need you to psychoanalyze me right now. I’m a virgin because I haven’t yet met any guy I was interested in sleeping with.”
“Until now?”
I stared at him. “Does it feel nice to be that full of yourself? I might not mind your company, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you.” Which was completely untrue, of course, but he didn’t have to know that.
He gave me a chagrined look. “You’re right—it was presumptuous. Though that night we kissed—no one’s ever bitten me like that before. That’s gotta mean something, right?”
“Maybe,” I said. “I don’t know.”
My eyes had been closed for maybe five seconds when my phone started to go off. I debated ignoring it, but then I reached over to the bedside table and picked it up, looking at the screen. It was my mother, and it was way later than my mother would normally ever call. I accepted the call, wondering if something was wrong.
“Mom?” I said.
“Oh good, I’m glad you’re still awake.”
“Sort of—I’m in bed. Is everything okay?”
“Everything is just fine, I was waiting until we got back to the city to call you though, I didn’t want to have this conversation in the car with Bill sitting right there. We had a lovely time, by the way. I know I told you that when we were leaving, but I wanted to reiterate that to you. Bill thought Cole was very nice.”
“I’m sure he did,” I said, though what I really wanted to say was I don’t give a shit what Bill thinks.
“And I, of course, think Cole is wonderful, too. I’m so glad that I went over and introduced the two of you that day. Can you imagine if the two of you had never met? Wouldn’t that be awful?”
“I really don’t think that would happen, seeing as we live next to each other. If you hadn’t gone over there like that, I am pretty sure that we would have run into each other by now and made the introduction. You know, considering that I’m his son’s teacher and all, too.”
“Declan is pretty cute,” she said. “He’s nowhere near as high maintenance as some children his age. That really says something about Cole’s parenting skills.”
I tried not to roll my eyes, and then I remembered I was on the phone, so I was free to roll my eyes as much as I pleased. She was talking like she was some sort of parenting expert, or like she had this extensive experience in early childhood.
“Anyway, Mom,” I said. “Like I said, I was in bed, so is there a reason for this call, other than to commend Cole’s parenting skills?”
“Well, there is, actually. I’m calling because I think that you and Cole should... you know... get together. You should sleep with him,” she said.
“Seriously, Mom?” I couldn’t keep the irritation out of my voice. “You are seriously calling me right now to tell me this?”
“I’m calling because I worry about you sometimes, Allie, and I have often wondered what opportunities you have passed up simply because you’re completely unaware that they’re happening.”
“I really can’t believe you’re this concerned about my sex life.”
“Darling, you can’t have a sex life if you’ve never had sex before.”
“And so what if I haven’t? What if I decide I never want to have sex?”
“Well, frankly, that’s just not normal. I would be very concerned if you told me you really felt that way.”
“Maybe I do,” I said, even though that wasn’t the case at all.
There was a pause. I didn’t say anything; I’d let her think that I wasn’t normal, that she had raised a daughter who would rather be celibate.
“You don’t mean that,” she finally said. “And I know that you don’t mean that because the sexual tension between you and Cole tonight was completely undeniable. And that is really the main reason for my call. You might be blind to it, you might not realize that it’s happening, but everyone else there tonight was very well aware of it. So I’m just giving you this reminder, making you aware, so you don’t let another opportunity pass you by.”
“Oh, you mean like with Bill?”
Another silence now, a longer one. I hadn’t meant to say that—I wasn’t even thinking about Bill. Except that maybe I always was, maybe there was a part of my subconscious that had locked that memory away from that night so long ago, and I carried that with me now, and it was there, in the back of my mind, every time that I met a guy I might’ve been interested in.
“What do you mean, like with Bill?”
“If there’s any reason that I haven’t been interested in guys all these years it’s because of your husband.”
“Allie, I don’t even understand what you’re trying to say. Are you overtired? Maybe you should get some sleep. I was just calling because—”
“What I’m trying to say is that Bill tried to make a pass at me one night, when I was 15. You were out with your friends or something.”
“Allie!” She sounded horrified. “Stop making things up. Why would you even say something like that?”
“Because it’s true, Mom. Because you’re all worried and shit over why I’m still a virgin, and maybe I have a good reason to be! Maybe the first guy that’s ever shown interest in me was your fucking husband, and that traumatized me and made me not want to be with anyone!”
“Don’t you dare blame us for this!” my mother snapped. “That’s absolutely ridiculous. You’re being completely unreasonable. And concocting these bizarre little fantasies about Bill is just going way too far, Allie. It was painfully obvious that you liked him when you were younger, but everyone just thought you’d grow out of that. I thought it was a good sign, in fact, because it’s normal for young girls to develop a sort of infatuation with their fathers. What is that called again? That Greek name?”
“Electra,” I said. “But that’s not it.”
“And so I didn’t try to do anything to stop it because to me that meant you were accepting Bill as part of our family,” my mother continued, as though I hadn’t said anything. “I knew several women who had been divorced and were remarried and
their children hated their stepfathers. I was relieved that it wasn’t the case with you and Bill. I felt like the three of us were really a family. It was nice.”
“You know, I might have, too, until he tried to climb into bed with me. That’s not something that normal fathers do.”
“I find it odd that I’m hearing about this now. Almost 10 years later. Why wouldn’t you tell me this when it happened? If it was so traumatizing to you, why wouldn’t it come up then? Why would you keep quiet about it?”
“Because I knew you’d react like this. I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”
“I think it’s convenient is all. You’re bringing this up now because you’re trying to come up with justifications for not getting involved with anyone. Well, I’m going to tell you right now, Allie, that you don’t need to be so dramatic about all of this, okay? I was just calling because I think that you and Cole seem to have very good chemistry together, and that I don’t think it’s something you should just slip by. Not every mother would call her daughter about this sort of thing, you know. I’m looking out for you. I’m trying to do what’s in your best interest. And you’re just hurling these baseless accusations. I’d think you’d be a little more mature.”
“Oh my God, really? I don’t even know what to say to that, Mom. This has nothing to do with me being mature. This has to do with the fact that your husband did something fucked up, and you don’t want to hear about it. Should I have told you this when it happened? Yeah, maybe I should have, but I knew you’d react like this.”
“Did anything happen, Allie?”
“Between me and Bill? No. Other than he climbed into my bed and tried to feel me up.”
“He was probably just checking in on you. I just can’t believe that if something like this had really happened that you’d keep quiet about it. And Bill is not some child molester. He’s not some pedophile or something. God! Do you hear what you’re suggesting?”
“I was 15. It’s not like I was 5.”
“I think I’m going to get off the phone now, Allie. This whole conversation is very upsetting, and I’d really rather not end my day on a note like this.”
“It’s upsetting to me that I can’t even have a conversation with you about this. I’m not trying to ruin your night, Mom, but you call me up, wanting to know why I haven’t had sex before, and I’m just trying to shed some light on the situation for you, which you totally don’t want to hear about. And I get it—it’s not the most comfortable situation to be having. But guess what? It wasn’t the most comfortable situation to be in. And then for you two to just show up like that today, completely unannounced—”
“Everyone had a wonderful time! You’re making it sound like we crashed this party of yours and totally ruined it!”
“I wasn’t expecting to see you guys. And there’s a good reason why I wouldn’t just want Bill showing up at my house like that. And now you know it. Even if you don’t believe me.”
There was another long silence. “I think it’s time I get off the phone,” she finally said, her voice tight. “Goodnight, Allie.”
“Bye,” I said.
I put the phone back on the bedside table and lay back down, but there was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep now. I felt way too worked up. I knew she would react like that if I told her about Bill. That she’d deny it, make excuses, and ultimately, not believe a word that I was saying. I wondered, though, if she’d crawl in bed next to him tonight and lay there, wondering if there was a shred of truth to what I’d told her. I doubted that she would ask him about it, but then again, she might. And he’d deny it, and then they’d both forget about it, and it would be as if nothing had ever happened to begin with.
I got up. Outside, there was enough moonlight that it was casting shadows, though it wasn’t completely full the way it had been that night Cole and I had sat up by the lake. Still, there was certainly enough to see by. I grabbed a pair of running shorts and put them on, then slipped my feet into my shoes. I stepped outside into the cool night air, and I started to jog down the street. At the end of the road, I turned left and kept going. I’d been all ready to fall asleep right before my mother had called, but now sleep felt like it was miles away.
It was nice being out late like this, though, when there was no one else around. The few houses I ran by were either dark or illuminated by the bluish glow from a TV. As I ran, I tried to think of how I would react if I had a daughter and she told me something like that. I sure as hell wouldn’t tell her that I didn’t believe her or that she must’ve been making it up.
At the end of the next street, I took another left, which would eventually connect me with a little road that would take me back home. I sprinted the last part of the way, running so hard it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. But it also felt good, because it obliterated the rest of the thoughts from my mind. And then I walked for a minute, to cool myself down, and finally I felt as though I could go back inside and fall asleep.
There was a light on at Cole’s, a light in the living room, though it didn’t look like the TV was on. I wondered what he was doing in there, and part of me wanted to go up to the door and knock. But I didn’t.
Chapter Sixteen
Cole
“So, any luck in the getting laid department?” Ben had stopped by on his way home from work. Declan was in bed, and we were sitting out on the deck with beers. “Or are things still high and dry for you? You still wanting to call this bet off?”
“I’m taking my time with it,” I said. “Why? Are you getting nervous? Are you starting to realize that you are most definitely going to lose, and if you want to get your ass to any playoff games this year, you’re going to have to pay for it yourself?”
He laughed. “I never knew Cole Becker to be a man who took his time with this sort of thing.”
“Well, then, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do, after all.”
“It sure as shit threw me for a loop when you originally tried to call this whole thing off because you were all concerned about her virginity,” Ben said. “That definitely isn’t the Cole Becker I know. The good doctor by day, the raving hedonist by night.”
I waved him off. “I stopped with all of that stuff a long time ago.”
“I know, I know. You’ve got a kid now; you’re all responsible and shit. But don’t you think that means you deserve this sort of thing more than ever?”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“Some fun is what I’m talking about.”
“I’m having fun.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah. We’ve got plans to go to Moose Lake tomorrow, in fact. I’d invite you along, but I know you’re working.”
The thing was, the better I got to know Allie, the more I liked her. In fact, I couldn’t remember ever liking a girl so much. Was it because we hadn’t slept together yet? In the past, if I liked a girl even half this much, we would’ve definitely hooked up by now. And I knew I wasn’t just imagining this simmering tension between us that seemed to grow more and more intense with each passing day. It was hard to focus at work, it was hard to sleep at night, and I found myself wondering all the time when I was going to see her again.
I was sort of driving myself a little crazy, actually.
The good thing was, though, that when we finally did sleep together—I knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of when—that it wouldn’t just be to win this stupid bet. I didn’t even care about the bet anymore, but I’d let Ben think I did. If I’d been feeling bad about her losing her virginity in this manner, there was no need for it now because I truly did have feelings for her. More than just physical attraction feelings, too. Not that I was going to get into all of that with Ben. There were some things that he didn’t need to know about.
The next day, Allie came over in the late morning, we all piled into the car and went to the public side of Moose Lake, and the beach was already pretty c
rowded with people lying out on towels parked on beach chairs under umbrellas and kids digging by the water’s edge with plastic shovels and buckets.
“This looks like a good spot,” I said, and we set up the beach quilt and the chairs. Declan wanted to go in the water immediately. Allie said she was going to suntan for a little bit, so we went down and waded in. Declan dunked himself, then worked on dog paddling and frog-kicking. After he got tired of that, he asked if I would give him a ride, so I dove in, then swam up behind him and he climbed on my back, arms wrapped around my neck.
We swam out to the buoys and then made our way back to shore. He let go of my neck and slipped off my back once we got shallow enough that he could touch. I dove back under once more. When I resurfaced, I looked toward the beach, where Allie was. She was sitting up on her towel, talking to a couple guys that I didn’t recognize. They looked young, probably her age, a couple of fresh-faced kids that just graduated from college.
“... sick lake house,” one of the kids was saying as Declan and I made our way over. “You should check it out.”
“The house sounds great,” Allie said, “but I don’t really go to house parties.”
The two kids glanced at me as I reached for a towel. They were both smooth, practically hairless. Boys, really. Backward baseball caps, a tribal tattoo on the taller one’s upper arm. They eyed me, then Declan.
“Hey,” I said, wrapping the towel around my waist.
They looked from Allie to me, then back again.
“This is Cole,” Allie said. “Cole, this is Devon and Asher. They’re from New York.”
“My parents have a lake house here,” the one named Devon said. He looked at Allie again. “He your boyfriend?”
I was curious to hear what she’d say, all the while vaguely aware that Declan was watching this interaction with great interest.
“We’re neighbors,” Allie said. She had those sunglasses on so I couldn’t see her eyes. I felt a pang of disappointment circulate through me, though I knew that was stupid.
“Well, if you want to come too, you can,” Devon said.