by Claire Adams
After I said goodnight to Jay, I realized that I actually did feel better, despite the fact that we weren’t going to have sex. It had just been nice to be out somewhere, talking with someone, and it had taken my mind off of Cole.
When I pulled into the driveway, though, I saw that his garage door was open, the light was on. He was probably in there working on his bike or something, and I tried to ignore the urge I had to run over there and see him.
The next morning, I slept late. It was Saturday, I didn’t have any plan for the day, and as I dozed, I was vaguely aware that I could faintly hear Cole and Declan outside. Their voices sort of infiltrated my dreams, though when I finally got up and looked out the window, his car was gone.
Of course I was wondering where he went, though I also felt a little bit of relief that he wasn’t there and maybe would be gone the whole day. It was such a strange paradox of feelings, wanting to see him yet not wanting to have to go through the awkwardness of an actual encounter. I hated that it was this way between us now, that something could go from being so wonderful to almost unbearable in the blink of an eye.
I was making coffee when I heard a knock at the door. I glanced outside again as I went to answer it; Cole’s driveway was still empty. So at least I knew it wasn’t him.
It was Ben.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Way to make a guy feel welcome,” he said, though he had a smile on his face. “Are you busy? I wanted to talk for a minute, if you weren’t.”
“Come on in.” I stepped aside as he came in. His bike was leaning against the oak tree in the front yard. “You rode here?”
“Yeah.”
“Cole’s not home.”
“I can see that, but I’m not actually here to see him.”
I sighed. “Would you like some coffee?”
“Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.” He went over and leaned against the counter. “Listen, Allie,” he said. “I normally wouldn’t get involved like this, because really, it’s not my business. I feel kind of funny coming here to talk to you about this anyway, but... I’ll just put it to you like this: Cole’s not doing so great. He’s going through the motions and everything, and if you asked him, he’d probably say that he was fine, but I’ve known the dude practically my whole life, and I can tell when there’s something off. And there’s definitely something off.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Okay,” I said. “I’m not sure what it is you expect me to do with this information.”
“Uh, duh, Allie...you need to talk with him and reconcile. I’ve never seen the man happier than when he was with you.”
I felt simultaneously incredibly sad and very happy to hear him say that. Then I remembered that we weren’t together, and the sadness eclipsed any happiness.
“You probably should just stay out of it,” I said. “There’s not going to be any reconciliation; he made himself pretty clear. I’m not going to go and beg him to get back together with him. I’ve still got a little dignity left.”
“I don’t think you’d have to grovel or anything. I think if you just went over there and told him that you miss him and still want to be with him, then that’s all it would take.”
“But what if I don’t want to be with him?”
Ben regarded me, one eyebrow slightly raised. “I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t really care if you don’t believe me or not; the fact of the matter is Cole broke up with me, and I’ve been actively trying to get over it ever since. So you coming here out of the blue and telling me that I need to go talk to him and ask him to get back together is complete bullshit. In fact, if that’s the only reason why you’re here, then I think you should probably leave.” My voice had risen with each word, and by the time I finished talking, I was practically yelling at him, which I felt bad about. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”
He waved me off. “It’s okay; I’m used to girls yelling at me.”
“You just have to understand that this whole thing has been really painful, and it’s not helping having you come by and telling me how happy Cole used to be when we were together. If that’s the case, why would he break up with me in the first place? Why wouldn’t he come over and ask me to get back together?”
“Because he can be stubborn and impulsive,” Ben said. “Sometimes at the same time. No one’s perfect. Cole’s pretty close, but everyone’s got to have their faults, right?”
“Of course,” I said. “I certainly have plenty of my own. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re coming over here to tell me this. What’s the point? He broke up with me, and I’m trying to get over it, which is a lot easier said than done.”
“I know it is,” Ben said. “It sucks, getting broken up with. Believe it or not, I have been broken up with a few times myself, and it’s not something that I particularly look forward to. Getting rejected by you was bad enough, and we weren’t even going out.” He smiled, though I was wondering how much of what he just said was actually true.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But you guys shouldn’t have made a stupid bet like that.”
“Ah, yes, the bet. Shit, that seems like years ago; hard to believe it was just the beginning of summer.”
“It does seem like a long time ago,” I said.
“And it was stupid of us. But that’s what guys do, right? Guys do stupid shit sometimes, and hopefully, girls like them for it. Or at least get a little amusement from it.”
“I’m somehow not finding anything about this current situation amusing.”
“Maybe it was stupid to make a bet like that. I kind of like to think, though, that if we hadn’t, maybe you and Cole wouldn’t have gotten together in the first place.”
“That might’ve been better,” I said. “Spared me all of this heartache.” Ben could think whatever he wanted, but I was pretty sure that Cole and I would have hooked up regardless of whether or not there had been any bet. Maybe it would have taken longer, but it would’ve happened. “He was my doctor, you know,” I said. Ben looked at me in surprise. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You probably know already.”
“No, I didn’t. He wouldn’t tell me something like that.”
“Obviously, I’m not going to continue to have him as my doctor. And I’m not planning to go talk with him. Yes, I’d like some closure on it, but really, I got closure. He ended the relationship. I wasn’t the one who initiated the breakup in the first place. So I’m sorry, but I think you wasted your time riding over here. I mean, can you give me one good reason why I should go talk to him about this?”
“He deserves it,” Ben said quietly. “He deserves someone like you. I don’t even know you that well, but I can tell that you’re a good person, and you’re hot as hell—if you don’t mind me saying—and the two of you make a great pair. And if anyone deserves to be with someone like you, it’s Cole.”
“Is that so,” I said. “And would you care to let me know why he’s so deserving of this? I mean, I get that he’s successful and good-looking, but so what? Plenty of people are, and that doesn’t mean that they’re somehow more deserving than someone else to be in a relationship.”
“It’s not that,” Ben said.
“Then what is it?”
He paused. “I don’t... I don’t know if I should tell you.”
I looked at him closely. “Well now you have to tell me. You can’t just say that and now not tell me.”
The two of us stood there for several moments of silence. I could see him wrestling with whatever it was that he wanted to say but felt like he couldn’t. What the hell was going on?
“Let’s just say that Cole has done some things in his life that most people never would do.”
“Right,” I said. “I’m not going to even begin to tell you how ambiguous that is. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
Ben bit his lip. “Okay,” he said. “B
ut what I’m about to tell you needs to stay between us, okay? I have never told anyone this before, never spoken of it, and the only reason I’m doing so now is because I trust that you’re going to do the right thing with what I’m about to tell you. And that is not say anything.”
“I am so confused about everything at this point, I highly doubt there’s anything you could tell me that would make things worse.”
He paused again, and I tried to conjure up whatever it was he was going to tell me. Cole had a terminal illness? He was really a woman? (except I knew he wasn’t.) Those were the only two things I could come up with: that Cole was either dying of cancer or he’d had a sex change operation. I held my hands up.
“Just tell me,” I said.
“Declan’s not his son,” Ben said.
“What? What are you talking about? Of course he is.”
But Ben was shaking his head. “No, he’s not. Well, not biologically. Declan is technically Cole’s... nephew. Declan’s mother is Cole’s sister, Marissa.”
“The one who died?”
“Yes. And Declan’s father was her boyfriend, this guy Sam, who Cole’s parents hated. With good reason, seeing as he was the one who got her into the drugs and shit.”
I frowned, trying to process everything that he was telling me. Declan wasn’t Cole’s son?
“I’m not going to get into all the details,” Ben said. “In part because I don’t know them all. But that’s basically why Cole moved out here, so he wouldn’t run into anyone that we’d grown up with, who might later say something to Declan. So when I say that he deserves this, when I say that he should be with someone who makes him as happy as you do, I really mean it. Because I can’t say that I’d be able to step up and raise someone else’s kid the way he has, even if that kid was related to me. I’d like to think I could, but I just don’t know.”
“I had no idea,” I said softly, shaking my head.
“You wouldn’t,” Ben said. “And that’s what is so awesome about this whole thing. No one would ever guess because Cole has always treated Declan like he’s his own son.”
It was, in a way, a stunning revelation, yet at the same time, there was a part of me that wasn’t surprised at all. That was just the sort of person Cole was. He would step up and do the right thing, even in a situation where some other people might not.
“Thank you for telling me,” I said to Ben.
He nodded. “Yeah, no problem,” he replied. “I thought you should know.”
After Ben left, I went and sat on the couch. I didn’t know what to do with the information he just told me, and I found myself thinking about various times I’d seen Cole interact with Declan, how natural it had been between the two of them, how no one would ever guess the truth. I certainly wouldn’t have. And in a way, I was still having a hard time believing it. Yet it made sense, too. Cole never talked about Declan’s mother, and I had always assumed it was because it had been a bad breakup, a contentious relationship.
So all these years he had been raising someone else’s son, a secret he had kept, along with the other secret that his sister’s death had not been an accident, but a suicide. I couldn’t imagine carrying that around with me. Granted, I didn’t have any siblings, so maybe I would feel differently if I did, but it still seemed like so much for one person.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed on the couch, but it was a while. When I finally got up, I had decided that I would talk to Cole. Not today, but soon. And it wouldn’t be to ask him to get back together, but just to let him know that I knew, and that I loved him anyway, and that even if he didn’t want to be with me, that wouldn’t change the way I felt about him. If he told me to fuck off, if he told me he never wanted to see me after that, then I’d accept it, and I’d do the best I could to get over it and move on. But I had felt like we didn’t really have closure, and I at least needed to that if I was supposed to move past this whole thing.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Cole
“You keep coming back to that point,” I said to Lisa. It was therapy appointment number two, and as I sat there, I was thinking that it would probably be my last, that it had been a mistake to even make a second appointment. This wasn’t actually helping at all.
Especially because Lisa seemed to be harping on the fact that I had broken up with someone who I had been in love with.
“Well, we both keep coming back to it,” she said. “And that’s why you’re here to begin with, isn’t it?”
“I’m here because... because I thought I might need some help sorting out some of my feelings. You know, have a neutral party to talk to, not someone who’s personally involved.”
“And I’m also not here to give you a directive either way,” Lisa said. “I’m not trying to tell you to do something, or to not do something. Any conclusions that you might be drawing are really all on your own.”
“It just seems as though you keep trying to emphasize the point that I’m still in love with Allie.”
“Does it seem that way to you?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm.”
Was she trying to be coy? Was she trying to get me to make some sort of obvious connection that she had made and I had not?
“Listen,” I said, “I think it’s clear from everything that’s been said so far that you think I made a mistake.”
“It doesn’t actually matter what I think.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Is that so? You’re the professional here; I’d think it should matter a whole heck of a lot what you think.”
“In some instances, it might. But in this particular situation, not so much. What really matters is what you think, and whether or not the decisions you have made are the ones that you can live with.”
“Well, you kind of have to live with the decisions you make, don’t you?”
“Of course, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do things to try to change them if you feel like you made the wrong choices.”
“Which you think I did.”
“I’m not saying that.”
“But you’re implying it.”
She didn’t say anything; neither did I. We both sat there, at something of an impasse. I wasn’t sure what I had been hoping would come of going to a therapy appointment, but I sure as hell did not like sitting here feeling like this lady I didn’t even know was judging me.
After I left my appointment, I texted Ben and asked how they were doing. He said that he and Declan were having a good time riding bikes around, so I decided to take a little walk. I parked at Moose Lake and took the walking trail around the lake. I wouldn’t go the whole way around because that would take me half the evening, but I walked far enough in that I was surrounded by woods on one side with a nice lake view on the other. I tried to imagine that Allie was there with me because that’s all I really wanted.
And if she was there with me right then, I let it play out how it would go if I were to tell her about Declan, about Marissa, about all of that. Why I felt like I needed to break up with her to begin with. Allie, I made a promise when Declan was a baby that I would do right by him because it was partially my responsibility for why this was happening in the first place.
We didn’t know that Marissa was pregnant; my mother certainly had no idea when she had come to me that night and asked me if I would try to get the message through to Sam in another way, one that might leave a more lasting impression. Maybe if that hadn’t happened, they would have agreed to stop using, they’d do it together for their baby, and they’d be raising Declan instead of me. Declan would be with his two real parents, and my mother would eventually get over her dislike for Sam; she would have had to because he was her daughter’s husband, her grandson’s father.
Branches slapped at my arms and face as I walked the trail; it had gotten overgrown as the summer had gone on. There were so many possibilities for the way things might have gone, but this was the way they had turned out.
I would talk to Allie. If she didn’t want to
take me back, I would understand that, I would deserve it. I hated the idea that I was going to come across as indecisive, but if it meant that she and I might be able to get back together, then it was worth it.
I did not tell Ben my plan; after I got back, we hung out for a little while, I put Declan to bed, and then he took off. Not long after Ben left, though, there was a knock at the door. I went to answer it, surprised to see that it was Allie.
“Hi,” she said, an uncertain note in her voice. “Is Declan asleep?”
“Yeah,” I said. “He is. Come on in.” I stepped back so she could come in. “I was just having a beer on the deck. Would you care to join me?”
“I’ll sit with you on the deck,” she said. “But I’m going to hold off on the beer for now. There’s something I wanted to talk about.”
“Okay,” I said as we walked back outside to the deck. “There was actually something that I wanted to talk to you about too, but you go first.”
Just being this close to her was hard; I wanted to reach over and pull her to me, feel her in my arms again.
“Ben told me everything,” she said.
I let the words sink in, at first not quite believing what I was hearing. “He did what?”
“Don’t be mad at him.”
“I’m not... exactly, I guess,” I said, though I did feel surprised. “You mean, he told you everything about...?”
“About Declan.”
“Why?”
“Because he thought I should know. He thought that it might explain a little bit why you suddenly broke up with me.”
“I see,” I said. Now it felt strange to be sitting here with her, knowing that she knew the one secret I had never thought anyone else would ever know.
“I could say I wish you would have told me, but I understand why you didn’t,” Allie said.