by J. M. Colail
“All right. Beer pong in the basement and boxhead at the kitchen table,” Jeremy announced, waving over his head a case box with a hole cut out.
Wesley pushed me toward the kitchen table and took a seat. Jeremy and Alycia sat down and three others pulled chairs up to the table. Some people went down to the basement and the last few remained in the living room chatting.
“How do you play?” Alycia asked, sipping her beer.
“It’s a dice game and it’s a lot of fun. I’ll teach the rules as we go,” Jeremy said, picking up two dice and pushing a placemat to the center of the table. He gave a quick rundown of the game, the main point being if you rolled an 11 or 12, you were the boxhead, wore the box, and were at the mercy of everyone else. Each combination of dice had a different meaning, like making up a rule, giving away drinks, and something called a “waterfall.”
“Basically, it’s just a game to get you drunk faster,” Wesley said, tipping back his beer and smiling. “And I’m gonna make sure you get sloshed.”
“Oh, absolutely!” Alycia chimed in, nodding her head.
“Just hope you don’t roll an 11 or 12 with these two,” Jeremy said.
And with that warning, I rolled an 11 on my second turn. Anyone could tell me to drink at any time, for any reason. I was seriously screwed, but I was more worried about what Wesley might come up with if I had to do anything he said.
I was the boxhead for more than half the game and I lost track of how many beers I drank. I felt silly and light, like I was floating in water. Alycia was the next to roll a 12, so I had fun exacting my revenge, as did Wesley and especially Jeremy. After her third or fourth beer, we decided to take a break, at least to let Alycia and me recover a little.
Wesley went outside for a cigarette and, for some inexplicable reason, I decided to have another beer. There were only five beers left of the eighteen we brought and I really had no clue how many I had. I shrugged my shoulders with a grin and twisted the cap off.
“Hey, Toren. How you doing?” Jeremy asked, leaning into the refrigerator and taking out a beer.
“Pretty good,” I tried to answer soberly, though I couldn’t keep myself from grinning. “How are you?”
“Toasted,” he responded happily and popped the top of his beer. “I think I might have to cut off Alycia pretty soon though.”
“I know. She can be a handful even when she’s stone-cold sober,” I said, nodding my head.
“That’s for sure,” he agreed with a smile. “But she’s so much fun. And so cute!” he added, his cheeks blushing lightly. He glanced down at the floor and turned the bottle around in his hands. “You know, I really like her,” he said. “I know she just broke up with her boyfriend, but I’m pretty serious about her,” he confided awkwardly.
It was kinda cute, hearing him nervously express his feelings. He was looking for my approval; after all, I was her older brother and he was her suitor. But he knew he already had my approval.
“I think she’s serious about you too, but I think she’s scared of moving too fast. Just go along at her pace,” I said, taking a long sip of beer.
Jeremy’s face brightened and he grinned. His mood was transparent, but I thought the alcohol might be to blame. He slapped my back and laughed.
“You’re all right, Tor,” he said, still slapping my back. “I mean it too. You and Wes are a perfect match. We grew up together, you know, and he’s always been a moody bastard, but since you guys started going out, he’s actually happy! So, just so you know, I’ll always be cheering for you guys.”
I blushed and looked at the bottle in my hands. “Th-thanks,” I murmured, feeling my cheeks flare. It was an odd, but good, feeling, hearing Jeremy say that he’d be cheering for us. I smiled and felt a warmth in the pit of my stomach that I knew wasn’t just the alcohol.
“Hey, Carroll! What’s going on? I haven’t seen you in forever!”
I looked up as I heard Wesley’s last name and saw Alan Dunne walking in the front door, followed by Benny Wright.
“Alan, it has been a while, man. How you doing? S’up, Ben?” Wesley answered, bumping fists with Alan and nodding his head at Benny.
“Pretty good. Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since graduation,” Alan said, glancing around at the people in the living room.
“Hey, Wes! C’mon, let’s play another game!” Alycia interrupted, walking up from nowhere. Alan’s eyes widened as he looked her up and down and a smile crept across his lips. She coiled her arm around Wesley’s and tugged impatiently.
“Well now, who’s this?” Alan asked, glancing at Wesley, but quickly returning his attention to Alycia.
“Hi! I’m Alycia,” she answered, dropping Wesley’s arm, bowing slightly, and smiling broadly. She twisted her body so that the fringe of her dress spun out. I chuckled in spite of myself. She was always outgoing and friendly, but it was blatant when she was drunk.
“Not bad, man. Not bad at all,” Alan said, smiling slyly at Wesley. My heart skipped when he thought Wesley and Alycia were together. “You had me so worried there for a while, especially with those rumors Jen’s spreading around,” Alan continued, looking Alycia over one more time.
I gritted my teeth just hearing Jen’s name, but I forced myself to calm down. I took a long drink and turned the bottle around in my hands.
“What? What are you talking about?” Wesley asked, glancing at Alycia briefly. “Just what is Jen saying?”
“She’s making shit up about you ‘switching teams,’ if you get me. I mean, you did start hanging out with that little queer all of a sudden. But, I can see you got your priorities straight,” Alan explained with a laugh.
My stomach dropped. He was talking about me. No one had ever called me that before and it stuck in my ears. I gripped my hands tightly around the bottle and I could feel Jeremy glance at me.
“What? Who are you talking about?” Alycia asked, her chipper voice gaining an edge.
“You know, that little fag from school. I forgot his name.”
“Toren?” Wesley said.
“Yeah, him. I don’t know why….”
“You’re really an asshole, aren’t you?” Alycia said, her voice an octave deeper.
“What’d you say?” Alan asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Didn’t know you were hard of hearing too. I said: you’re an asshole.”
“Who the hell do you think you are, bitch?” Alan retorted.
“She’s my boyfriend’s sister, jackass,” Wesley said, his voice deep and sharp. “And you better watch your fucking mouth,” he warned, lifting his head and staring into Alan’s eyes.
I swallowed hard and Jeremy left my side, walking up to Wesley, Alycia, and Alan. My stomach felt hollow as I watched from the kitchen, unable to will myself to take a step forward.
“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” Alan said, shaking his head. He saw Jeremy walking toward him and held his hands up in inquiry. “Did you know about this?”
“Look, if you’re gonna be a dick, why don’t you just take off?” Jeremy said, standing next to Alycia and folding his arms on his chest.
Alan shook his head. “What the fuck? Am I supposed to believe you like guys now because some fag came on to you?”
Each time he said that word, my chest felt a little tighter. I swallowed hard and bit my lower lip, trying to keep my tears at bay. Wesley was standing up for me and I couldn’t even bring myself to stand next to him. I felt like a coward; even Alycia and Jeremy were sticking up for me, but I couldn’t do anything.
“I told you to watch your fucking mouth!” Wesley shouted, throwing his fist forward and hitting Alan squarely in the jaw.
Alan recoiled, covering his chin with his hand and looking at Wesley with angry eyes. “What the hell?”
“Why don’t you just leave, Alan?” Jeremy said, stepping in front of Alycia in case Alan retaliated.
“Like I’d wanna hang out with a buncha fags,” Alan said, still holding his chin and glaring at W
esley. He glanced at Jeremy then turned around and left, followed by Benny who never said a word the entire time.
Wesley shook his hand and stared at the door until Jeremy closed it. His eyes were narrow and angry and he gritted his teeth. Alycia touched his arm and he took a deep breath. He looked over his shoulder and found me still standing in the kitchen, gripping the beer bottle in my hands. He stepped past Alycia and Jeremy and walked over to me, his eyes never leaving mine.
I took a deep breath. He walked up and hugged me so tight I could feel his ribs pressing against my own. The other people at the party didn’t matter; I clung to him and buried my face in the cradle of his neck and shoulder. It was the strangest sense of pride; he punched someone to defend me.
“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” he asked, lifting my head from his shoulder.
I nodded and smiled weakly. “How’s your hand?” I asked, looking at his hand and rubbing my fingers over his knuckles.
I could feel eyes watching us, though people tried to pretend that they weren’t paying attention. And I didn’t mind sharing this moment of intimacy with them. I smiled at Wesley and he smiled back, taking the beer from my hands and finishing it in one gulp. Alycia and Jeremy came up to us and Jeremy apologized for Alan’s stupidity. Alycia cursed him up one side and down the other and pretty soon, we were all laughing.
The night wore on and I wished that one of us were sober enough to drive because I really wanted to get home. The events of the evening, Wesley’s unmitigated defense of me, and the alcohol had left me a little hot and bothered. But Alycia, Wesley, and I stayed the night at Jeremy’s and we ended up playing beer pong until there wasn’t any beer left. Fortunately, Wesley and I both had the next day off from work, because we didn’t wake up until three the next afternoon. Tired and hung-over, we got fast food for dinner and were in bed again by eight.
Chapter 33
“THAT QUIZ totally sucked!” Mark complained, shaking his head and furrowing his brows. “How’d you do?”
“Pretty good, I think. I only got two wrong,” I answered, following him out of the classroom.
“There were only two questions,” Mark said, then grinned. He pulled at the shoulder strap of his book bag.
“I know. I’m just math-stupid,” I conceded, buttoning my coat as we left the Sciences building.
Mark and I met in our pre-calc class. We gravitated toward each other, because we were both terrible at math and because he was gay too. It was sort of a “takes one to know one” situation and we became friends quickly.
“So, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?” he asked. A cool breeze whipped through his brown hair and he glanced at me sideways.
“I’m not sure yet. I’m gonna go to my mom’s and Wesley’s welcome of course, but I kinda want him to go home for Thanksgiving. I mean, he hasn’t really seen or talked to his parents since we moved in.”
“That’s too bad,” Mark said quietly, staring at the ground. “It took a while, but Jared and I have finally figured out a family holiday schedule. We spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas Eve with mine. We sleep over, well, because my mom still likes to play Santa Claus,” he confided, blushing lightly. “I mean, I’m twenty-four and I still get presents from Santa! Then, we spend Christmas morning with my family and the rest of the day with his. It took a couple years to get everything squared away, but we got it all worked out.”
I smiled and imagined spending Christmas with Wesley’s family and the thought sent chills down my spine. I was glad for Mark though. He was older and smarter than I was and he always seemed to inspire me. He was friends with Professor Kitner and an advocate of same-sex marriage. He and his boyfriend, Jared, wore matching rings so that the symbol of their bond was present; now they just needed the benefits opposite-sex couples enjoyed.
“I don’t know if we’ll be able to do that. Wesley’s family…. Well, his parents objected to our relationship from the start. But my mom’s really cool and pretty much thinks of Wesley as a second son,” I said, shoving my hands in my coat pockets and smiling faintly.
“It’s too bad about his family,” Mark said, looking down and shaking his head.
I nodded and looked down the sidewalk. Several students were walking around campus, some wearing just sweatshirts and others wearing thick, winter coats. It was hard to tell what season it was by looking at all the different layers people were wearing. One of the kids wearing a sweatshirt looked like Wesley and I squinted my eyes for a better look. My heart started beating faster and a giant smile dawned on my face. It was him, and I waved and shouted his name. He smiled and walked toward me, then looked at Mark and lost his grin.
“Hi! What are you doing here?” I asked, feeling giddy through my whole body. Wesley looked really handsome and I was excited to show him off to Mark.
“I thought I’d see if you wanted to get lunch,” Wesley said, glancing at Mark again with a sour look.
“Yeah, of course!” Wesley had never visited me at school and I was happy to see him. It was Monday, his day off, so I knew he made an effort to come see me. “Oh, I’m sorry!” I said, thudding my head with my palm and turning to Mark. “Mark, this is my boyfriend, Wesley. Wesley, this is Mark.” Mark extended his hand and Wesley shook it, his expression easing up with what looked like relief.
“It’s nice to meet you. Toren talks about you all the time,” Mark said with a smile and I felt myself blush. “I gotta get to my next class, so I’ll see you Wednesday, Toren. It was nice meeting you, Wesley. Have a good lunch!” Mark said, stepping backward, turning and waving.
I waved good-bye to Mark, then looked at Wesley. “C’mon, let’s go get lunch. My treat!” I said, taking Wesley’s hand briefly. He followed and smiled back at me and we went to the cafeteria in the University Mall. There was a McDonald’s, a Subway, and a Domino’s and Wesley got a pizza and I got a sub. We shared our lunches, but Wesley wasn’t eating very much. He seemed a little off; not exactly depressed, but definitely not himself. I asked him if something was bothering him, but he denied it, explaining that he was just tired. He had been busy at work the past couple of days, so I accepted his excuse without question. I told him about my math quiz and he said he would see if he could help. He was lucky; he could just read the textbook and understand it while I needed it spelled out for me. Wesley sipped his soda and sighed heavily.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked again, taking another slice of pizza. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was bothering him.
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” he reiterated and sighed again.
“You’re not acting like yourself. I want my old Wesley back,” I said, brushing his hand on the table. He smiled, but it was like he was appeasing me. I glanced at the clock and looked at Wesley. I was disappointed that I had to go to class. “Thank you so much for coming to see me. It was the nicest present,” I said, putting all the trash on the tray.
“No problem. I thought it would be fun to surprise you,” he said, standing up and taking the tray.
We walked outside and Wesley walked with me to the liberal arts building. I took his hand and squeezed it quickly.
“Well, I gotta get to class. I should be home around five-thirty. So, I’ll see you when I get home, okay? I love you,” I said, smiling warmly and hoping that he would cheer up.
“All right. I’ll see you later. Love you too.” He waved over his shoulder and I watched him walk away.
I made a late dinner of chicken noodle soup for us because I thought that maybe Wesley was getting sick. But he had two bowls of soup and two slices of toast. We watched TV quietly, but Wesley didn’t seem to be paying attention; his mind was somewhere else. I snuggled close to him on the sofa, resting my head against his shoulder. His arm was resting on the back of the sofa, but he didn’t ruffle my hair or put his arm around my shoulders. I was pressed close to him, but he kept his gaze on the TV.
“Do you think we’ll be together forever?” Wesley asked, out of the blue.
<
br /> “I don’t believe in forever,” I answered devilishly, though it was true.
“Huh?”
I felt Wesley’s body tense beside me and I pushed my head against his shoulder. “Forever is a long time. It’s not even quantifiable. You can’t promise something you don’t know.”
Wesley sighed. “I was hoping for something a little more reassuring.”
“I think we’ll be together as long as we both want to be. People change over time, but I think we’ll be okay as long as we make each other happy,” I said, hoping that reassured him.
“But you’re already changing, aren’t you?” Wesley whispered, nearly inaudibly.
“What?”
“You’re already changing,” he repeated. “You’ll outgrow me one day. While you’re going to school, meeting new people, and learning new things, I’ll still be in the same place.”
He continued staring at the TV with a blank look on his face. My stomach felt hollow. He didn’t really feel that way, did he?
“What are you even talking about?” I asked, sitting up and looking into his eyes. He turned his gaze from the TV to the floor.
“Five years from now, you’ll have your degree and a good job, and your life will be totally different from mine. You deserve someone who can keep up with you, who’ll grow and change with you, someone smarter and more interesting than me. Someone who won’t hold you back.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I shouted, jolting Wesley with the tone of my voice. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to him and my eyes teared up. “Who cares about the future? I wanna be with you now, but you sound like you wanna break up!”
Wesley stared at me for a long moment, then shook his head. “I don’t want to break up. I wanna be with you forever, but I also want you to be happy and I don’t want to hold you back. I can’t help thinking about the future and my place in yours. You’ve got a ton to offer, Toren, and I just….”