by J. M. Colail
Too hard….
“What are you thinking, David?” Barbara asked after watching him for a while.
David shrugged and grumbled, “Nothing.”
She sighed and waited. He could be obstinate in his denial but waiting frequently achieved more than pushing.
“I sometimes feel like I almost have a grasp on things,” he muttered so quietly that Barbara had to strain to hear. “I can think clearly… then it’s gone again.”
“What gets in the way?”
Finally David looked up and gave her a slightly sad smile. “Me.”
“Uh-huh.” Barbara smiled back. “And we both know you’re getting there… if you let yourself.”
LOOKING AROUND the room was disconcerting. John had met very few of his father’s family and, now surrounded by cousins, he was a little overwhelmed by his resemblance to them. He smiled, shook hands, and made small talk. The older ones told him stories about his father while the younger were more interested in his life in Australia. Annie watched and waited until she could gently ease him away with the excuse of helping her in the kitchen.
“Thanks,” he smiled and shook his head. “It’s all a bit too much in one hit.”
“They all want to know about the relation who made it big in Australia.” Annie returned his smile and lifted down the tea caddy. “But tell me, did you ever think about coming back here, John?”
John shook his head. “It was easier to get away; people judged you here and I never wanted….” He stopped. Holding the kettle under the tap John watched the stream of water as he thought about how to continue. “I knew it could be difficult for Gran and Granddad.”
Annie took the kettle from him and put it on the stove. She led John over to the table and indicated for him to sit with her. “John, love, your gran always knew.”
“She never said anything,” John whispered, frowning down at the starched table-cloth.
“You were always a private boy, John, and your gran understood that,” Annie commented. “But it doesn’t mean she wasn’t watching out for you. When you were with that lass in Australia, she worried that you weren’t being true to yourself.”
John gave a slightly nervous laugh. “Marian and I were… well, we were never really a couple.”
Annie nodded. “Before she passed, your gran said to me that you hadn’t found the right one yet… but you would if you let it happen.” When the color rose in John’s cheeks, Annie leaned forward in her seat and asked, “So are you going to tell your old Aunty his name?”
“David.” John grinned as the blush spread further across his face. “His name’s David.”
“A good name.” Annie winked.
THE DAY had felt long. A sketchbook lay on the other side of the bed, the worn pencil nub sitting on a half-drawn face. The light had faded and although David knew he just needed to lean over to turn on the bedside light, he lacked both the motivation and energy.
He closed his eyes and sighed. David had spent a long time alone but lately he’d grown accustomed to having a warm body next to him, being part of someone’s life.
He missed John.
Slowly David’s thoughts drifted until his breathing slowed and his eyes became heavy.
The buzz of the cell phone startled him. He sat up on the bed for several seconds until the blood pounding in his ears cleared enough to understand what the sound was.
John. He grabbed at the phone and flipped it open with an expectant “John? Hello?”
Adam did not expect to hear his father’s voice. “Um… Dad?”
David was paralyzed; he could neither speak nor move.
“Dad? That’s you, isn’t it?” Adam whispered, listening to the breathing on the other end of the phone.
When there was no response other than panicked breaths, Adam pleaded quietly, “Please don’t hang up.”
The pain in David’s chest was palpable as he listened to his son. He wanted to reply, tell Adam he was okay, but for that he’d have to speak, and speaking wasn’t an option.
Squeezing his eyes tightly against the threatening tears, Adam clung onto the phone. But then he heard it. A soft tap in the earpiece, and he allowed himself a little bit of hope.
Adam remembered days when he was so angry with his parents over something that seemed all-important at the time that he would sit at his desk wound so tight he knew he would explode if he was made to talk. His mum raged and carried on, but his dad never tried to make him answer. Instead he simply gave Adam the option to tap on the desk; once for yes and twice for no. It usually resulted in him banging the desk so hard it vibrated against the wall, but it worked. As his dad talked the taps got lighter until Adam knew he could say what he felt without losing it completely.
“Thank you,” Adam murmured into the mouthpiece. He flopped back onto his bed and asked, “Can I talk to you Dad? Maybe tell you about school or something? Would that be okay?”
David’s finger touched the phone once. Not very loudly, but enough for Adam to smile and start retelling his day.
IN A single bed far away, John finally drifted off to sleep, his packed bag leaning against the wall in anticipation of an early long-haul flight.
Chapter 29
“WE DID good,” Jamie announced as he pushed the cash register closed and locked the drawer. “You know, I sometimes think that John doubts we can manage without him. And we just proved we can.”
Just barely, David thought to himself, but was pleased that they’d made it through another working day on their own.
“So what do you have planned for tonight, Dave? Big party?” Jamie asked, knowing full well that David would simply closet himself in the apartment and wait it out until John came home. And that was still likely to be a day or two away.
David grinned and said, “Huge party with me and my closest friends.”
“I’m invited then!” Jamie laughed as he started switching off the store lights. “Actually I’m at a loose end tonight and was wondering if you’d like some company?”
“I’m okay, Jamie…. Really,” David confirmed with a warm smile.
“I know,” Jamie said and pulled a face. “But… oh look, indulge me, yeah? Maybe just a walk or we could grab something to eat?”
David knew Jamie meant well and, though he would never admit it, got a little lonely at times. “I wouldn’t mind a walk.” He shrugged with a smile and stepped through the front door while Jamie set the alarm code.
The walk was more of a stroll but it gave David a chance to unwind and clear his head. He blew out a breath and watched the white puff of air as it slowly disappeared. “Winter’s setting in,” he commented and pulled his jacket a little tighter.
Jamie slipped his arm through David’s as he said, “I’m glad you have somewhere warm now. I used to worry about you out here.”
David just nodded and pulled Jamie a little closer.
“I asked my mum once if I could ask you to stay with us, but she told me you wouldn’t and I might embarrass you by asking.” Jamie came to a halt and looked at David. “Was she right?”
With a slight frown, David moved them to the ledge on the edge of a store window and sat down. “I think she might have been,” he said still thinking it through. “It wasn’t so much that I’d be embarrassed. Maybe more that I couldn’t be around anyone back then.” The frown deepened because he knew his explanation wasn’t clear. David scuffed the toe of his boot over a blackened cigarette butt before looking back at his friend. “You and your mum were the first people who saw me as a person in a long while. I felt safe in Margins, and I didn’t want to mess that up.”
“Mess it up how?” Jamie asked.
“The mess is in here, I suppose,” David muttered and tapped lightly on his head. “You’re good people and I….” He shrugged; what else was there to say?
Jamie didn’t look totally convinced but he leaned against David and said, “Well, I suppose John was just as messed up but in a different way, huh?”
The frow
n lifted from David’s face and he laughed. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”
“Oh, I won’t,” Jamie giggled. “But it’s kinda true. John had no clue how to actually live his life when he came to Margins. All accounts and business meetings; real relationships weren’t part of the agenda. I think he was scared of you at the start because you made him feel something and there was no column for that in his accounts ledger.”
“I was pretty scared too,” David admitted. “I couldn’t understand why he’d want to be with me. I mean….” He stopped and debated whether or not to say what was playing through his mind. Finally he admitted, “I knew you two had a night together and you said it was nothing, but it did make me wonder why he even looked at me after being with you.”
Jamie was more than a little stunned. He shook his head and stared at David. “It wasn’t even a night, Dave. John couldn’t get out of my place fast enough; fuck, he didn’t even kiss me. We had some fun, blew off some energy, and nothing more, whereas he loves you. You’ve been so good for him.”
“It’s mutual,” David murmured, breaking into a broad and somewhat sheepish grin.
“Oh God.” Jamie groaned happily and squeezed David’s arm. “Let’s get going.”
David nodded but didn’t make a move. His hand found Jamie’s and he asked, “Did it bother you that John didn’t stay?”
“Didn’t bother me so much,” Jamie mused. “Just made me wonder what was going on with him. I think I told him that he should spend his time with someone he loves… or was it not spend his time with someone he doesn’t love?” He shrugged and laid his head on David’s shoulder. “I think he listened to me.”
“I think he did.” David smiled, hoping that whoever found Jamie would deserve his love. “Hey, you wanna go somewhere with me?”
“Um… yeah?” Jamie said suspiciously.
“Come on then.” David stood and led Jamie down the street.
AS JAMIE handed a plate to the last person in the queue, he turned and grinned at David. Someone else also smiled and David felt a hand gently touch his arm. “I was surprised when I saw you two arrive,” Barbara whispered. “But it really was a big help to have a couple of extra pairs of hands.”
David smiled back. Although he was so weary all his joints literally ached, David felt good.
“Come and have a drink with me,” Barbara suggested, easily seeing how tired he was. “I think Jamie’s quite happy helping Brian clean up.”
Glancing over his shoulder, David could see his friend involved in an animated conversation with the young social worker. He followed Barbara through to the staff kitchen.
Handing him a mug, Barbara said, “Thank you for tonight; there are never enough volunteers in these places. Most people drop by on Christmas Day and believe that gives them the right to forget about us for the rest of the year.” David smiled in his usual self-deprecating way and sipped the hot coffee. Barbara just chuckled and reached for the cookie tin. Armed with a chocolate chip cookie, she commented, “You’re doing better, aren’t you?”
Looking down into his mug, David admitted quietly, “I think I am.” He leaned over and took an offered cookie. “When John left I… I dunno.”
“You lost your safety net?” Barbara suggested.
“Yeah.”
“But you’re doing okay, aren’t you?” Although it was framed as a question both of them knew it was a statement of fact.
David grinned and nodded. “I think I am.”
“Next question,” she stated and smiled at David’s near playful grimace. “And this is a tough one.”
“Okay, let’s hear it,” he said with a smile, but mentally braced himself for what Barbara was likely to ask.
“How are you going to move on from this?”
A simple enough question, David thought. So why is it so hard to answer? “I’m not sure, Barb,” he finally said, while rubbing his hand in slight agitation over the back of his neck.
“Come on, Dave; you know what you need to start thinking about.” Her voice was calm, assured, and pushed David just enough that he had to focus.
“Adam.” The name came easily; easier than David thought it could. He looked up at her and nodded. “I think I’m getting closer to… closer to being able to talk to him.”
Barbara smiled and reached across to give his hand a gentle squeeze. She didn’t touch David often, but he was moving through so many obstacles that she felt he wouldn’t object. “You don’t have to do it all at once, David; just a little at a time. Keep yourself in a safe place—in here.” She patted him lightly on the head. “And open up only what you feel you can deal with. It will get easier.”
“Promise?” David asked with a smile that could have been cheeky if there wasn’t a tinge of sadness to his voice.
Barbara raised an eyebrow and grinned. “You definitely know me better than that.”
Chapter 30
JOHN TURNED the engine off but didn’t get out of the car. He sat in the dark of his parking space and pulled out a cigarette. The flame of the lighter flared, briefly illuminating the interior then snapping back into darkness. Exhaling a long stream of smoke John leaned against the headrest and closed his eyes. He’d taken an earlier flight to get back to David, but now he was here….
He said he’d be here when you got back, McCann.
John stabbed the cigarette into the ashtray. He’ll be here.
The apartment was in darkness when John closed the door behind him. He left the lights off and made his way to the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar. John stood and listened as he peered into the gloom, but even before he saw the full backpack leaning against the chest of drawers he knew David was there.
Carefully, quietly, John undressed, all the while watching his sleeping lover until he realized David’s eyes weren’t closed at all and there was a gentle smile on his face. Laying his pants over the armchair, John grinned and whispered, “I didn’t want to wake you.”
David simply nodded and waited for John to climb into the bed beside him. As the mattress dipped, David relaxed for the first time in days.
“You okay?” John asked, feeling a little awkward.
“I’m okay,” David whispered, still smiling.
John nodded and tentatively reached out to push a strand of hair from David’s face. He wanted to touch him but something, perhaps the distance of the half-world he’d just traversed, made him hold back.
The two men lay in silence watching each other until David murmured, “I missed you, John.”
“Oh fuck, Dave.” John rapidly closed the distance between them and took David’s face in his hand. “I missed you so fucking much.” Their kiss was soft, but the gentle movement of their lips contained all the need and worry of the past few days.
Slowly, David’s hands moved to John’s body. His fingers reacquainted themselves with the smooth expanse of fair skin, touching then moving on to touch somewhere else. Although John’s tongue met David’s in the kiss he held back to let the other man lead.
Recognizing the almost tentative nature of the touches, John pulled away just enough to whisper, “It’s all okay, Dave.” David gave a tiny nod and reinitiated the kiss. This time it was stronger, more insistent. His leg slipped carefully between John’s until they straddled each other’s thighs.
“Feels good,” John moaned when David started a slow rock against him. His hands cupped David’s arse to hold him close, sliding his nose over the sensitive skin where stubbled jaw met the heat of a pulse point. John felt himself sink into David’s smell.
They moved together, without the desperation of the reunited, but of a couple who knew each other and were comfortable in the knowledge that the other knew them.
When they came it was quiet, just puffs of breath into each other’s mouth.
As the first signs of dawn filtered through the window they’d begun talking, that “real” kind of talking that only seems to occur in the early hours of the morning. “It was… I dunno, strange,”
John said as he stared into the growing light trying to grasp exactly what it was like. “It was where I’m from, but not where I am now. Does that make any sense?”
David nodded and moved closer to rest under John’s arm. “It makes perfect sense,” he reassured, flexing and stretching his fingers until they barely made contact with John’s cheek, the pads lightly brushing over a faint laugh line.
John smiled his small half-smile that David had come to recognize as a sign of uncertainty. “I told my Aunt Annie about you… that I love you.” John’s voice held a quiet wonder that’d he’d done something either very brave, or very foolish. “I was scared to death, but she said she knew I wasn’t the ‘type’ to marry and have kids… even when I didn’t really know.” John chuckled at the euphemism she’d used and turned to catch David’s palm with his lips.
“I think I always knew,” David whispered, as if sharing a long-held secret.
John frowned at the admission and though he rarely pushed David on his past he had to ask. “Why’d you get married then?”
David didn’t need to consider his answer because it was so obvious to him. “I loved her. Still did when I left, I think.” He gave a small shrug at the look John gave him. “I was… am gay, John, but it didn’t stop me loving her, and I liked being married, having a family.” He paused and frowned, knowing what he was about to say had never actually been spoken out loud. “But I don’t think she ever loved me.”
It was a simple sentence but one that held so much hurt John couldn’t answer. How could she not love you? The question seemed so glaringly obvious yet it was one John knew he couldn’t ask.
After a few moments of silence John asked quietly, “Why did she marry you then, Dave? Was it Adam?”
David shook his head. “I’ve been thinking about that and I dunno. I guess I gave her what she needed at the time. A home, a family, and a husband with a good job. I was useful.”