In the Tenth Month, we moved into the capital. Mother became a nun; although she stayed in the same house with us, she lived apart in her own quarters. As for father, he just wanted to have me assume the position of mistress of the household, but when I saw that this would mean I would be hidden away and never mix with the world, I felt bereft of support. Around this time, a suggestion came from someone with whom we had a connection and who knew about me that I might serve at court,257 “Surely it would be better than having her mope around the house with nothing to do.” My old-fashioned parents found the idea of my becoming a serving woman most distasteful and so I stayed at home. However, several people said, “Nowadays, almost every young woman goes into service like that, and there have been cases of women who have done very well for themselves indeed. Why don’t you give it a try?” So grudgingly father became willing to send me to court.
On the first occasion, I went into service for just one night.258 I wore a not so deeply dyed ensemble of only eight layers with a jacket of lustrous silk. For me, who had only concentrated my mind on tales and aside from this had known nothing of the world and who, just living under the protection of my old-fashioned parents, had only visited with relatives and who was used only to gazing at the moon and the blossoms—as for my feelings at this moment of stepping out into court service—I could hardly believe it was me or that this was reality. In this state of mind, I returned home at dawn.
When I was a housebound woman, I used to occasionally feel that rather than being stuck forever at home, to go to serve at court would give me the opportunity to see interesting things and might even brighten my outlook, but now I felt uncertain. It seemed to me that indeed there would be things about this new life that might cause me sorrow. Nonetheless, what could I do about it?
In the Twelfth Month, I went again to serve. I was given my own sleeping quarters, and this time I performed duties during the day. Sometimes I would go up to my mistress’s chambers and serve on night duty for a few nights. Having to lie down among strangers, I was unable to sleep a wink. I felt so embarrassed and on my guard not to make mistakes that I could not help weeping in secret from the strain. At the first light of dawn while it was still quite dark, I would go back to my own sleeping quarters and spend the whole day distractedly yearning for my family, thinking about my father who, now aged and in decline, depended especially on me. In fact we depended on each other. Then, there were my orphaned nephews and niece259 who had been with me since they were born and slept on my left and right side at night and got up with me in the morning; how poignantly I now recalled them. So I would end up spending my time lost in homesick reverie. My ears would prick up and sense that someone was peeking in at me; how terribly uneasy I was.
After a period of ten days of service, when I returned home, I found my father and mother waiting for me having kindled a fire in the brazier. At the moment of seeing me get down from the carriage, they broke into tears and said, “While you were here, we would see people from time to time, but since you have gone into service, days go by without the sound of human voices and we hardly see anyone; how forlorn and lonely we have been. If this goes on, what is going to become of us?”
Seeing them made me feel so sad. The next morning, they exclaimed, “Since you are home today, the family members and visitors are many; the house feels really lively.” Face to face with them, I was moved; some indefinable joy brought me to the verge of tears.
Even for religious adepts, it is very difficult to learn about former lives through dreams, but somehow I felt that going on like this with no sense of direction was not very satisfying, so I had someone try to divine my former life in a dream. I was at the main hall of Kiyomizu Temple. A monk who was a kind of steward came out and reported, “You were actually once a monk in this very temple. As a monk artisan, you accumulated merit by making many Buddha statues. And so you were born into this life well above that lowly station. You built the thirty-foot Buddha260 who resides in the east section of this hall. As a matter of fact, you died while you were applying the gold foil to this image.” “My goodness! This means, does it, that I applied the gold foil to that Buddha over there?” “Since you died while you were doing it, it was a different person who applied the gold foil, and a different person who performed the offering ceremony when it was done.” Having received the report of such a dream, afterward, had I made fervent pilgrimages to Kiyomizu Temple, on the strength of having worshiped the Buddha at that main hall in a former life, I would, as a matter of course, have done something good for my salvation. But there is really nothing I can say for myself; this affair ended with my being no more assiduous about making pilgrimages than before.
On the twenty-fifth of the Twelfth Month,261 I was invited to attend the rite of Calling the Buddha’s Names262 at the princess’s palace. I went expecting to stay only that night. There were as many as forty attendants all in layers of white robes with jackets of lustrous silk. I hid myself behind the lady who was my guide at court and, after barely showing myself, returned home at dawn, Snow had begun to flutter down; in the amazingly severe freezing chill of the dawn light, the moon faintly reflected in my lustrous sleeves truly recalled the “face damp with tears” of long ago.263 On the road back, I composed,
toshi wa kure
The year is ending,
yo wa akegata no
the night begins to dawn,
tsukikage no
both ephemeral
sode ni utsureru
as the rays of the moon
hodo zo hakanaki
reflected on these sleeves of mine.
Well, even if my debut had been like this, somehow I began to accustom myself to service at court. Although I was somewhat distracted by other things, it was not to the extent that people regarded me as eccentric, and as a matter of course, it seemed as though I had come to be regarded and treated as one of the company, but my parents did not understand, and before long, they ended up shutting me away at home.264 Even so, it was not as though my way of life became suddenly bright and lively. Rather, although I was used to feeling very much at odds with life, now the situation I found myself in was utterly contrary to all my hopes.
ikuchi tabi
How many thousand times
mizu no ta zeri o
have I plucked the field parsley
tsumi shika wa
from the water thus,
omoishi koto no
without a dew drop falling
tsuyu mo kanawanu
in the direction of my hopes.265
With just this solitary complaint, I let matters go.
Meanwhile, I became distracted by this and that and completely forgot even about the world of the tales. I actually ended up feeling quite down to earth. Over the years and months, as I lay down and got up in meaningless activity, why had I not devoted myself to religious practices or pilgrimages? Ah, but, the things I had hoped for, the things I had wished for, could they ever really happen in this world? After all, was a man like the Shining Genji ever likely to exist in this world? No, this is a world in which being hidden away at Uji by Captain Kaoru could never happen.266 Oh, how crazy I was and how foolish I came to feel. Such were the thoughts that sunk in, and had I then carried on with my feet on the ground, maybe things would have been all right, but it did not end up that way.
Some friends had informed the place at which I had first gone into court service that it did not appear staying cooped up at home like this was really my true wish, so there were endless requests for my attendance, and among them came a particular one, “Send the young lady to court,”267 an order that could not be ignored, so I found myself drawn back into occasional service in the course of presenting my niece to court. However, it was not as though I could in the least entertain the vain and immodest hopes such as I had in the days gone by; after all, I was just being drawn along by my niece. On the occasions when I went to serve, the situation was like this. The women really familiar with court service are i
n a class by themselves and greet any occurrence with a knowing face, but as for me, although I could not be regarded as a novice, neither could I be treated as an old hand, so I was kept at a distance like an occasional guest. Although I was in this uncertain position, since I was not one who had to rely solely on that kind of work, I was not particularly envious of those who were so much better at it than me. In fact, I felt rather at ease, going to court just on suitable occasions, chatting with those women who happened to have time on their hands. On celebratory occasions, and interesting, pleasant occasions too, in my present situation I was able to mix with society in this way. Of course, since I had to maintain a reserve and take care not to push myself forward too much, I was privy only to the general goings-on at court. As I passed my time thus, there came a time when I accompanied the princess to the imperial palace.268 One dawn when the moon was so bright, I thought to myself, “The god Amaterasu to whom I have been praying actually resides right here in the palace mirror room; I would actually like to take this occasion to worship here.” So in the brightness of the moonlight of the Fourth Month, ever so secretly, I went to pay my respects with the guidance of an acquaintance, Lady Myōbu, who served as mistress of the inner chambers. In the very faint light of the lamp stand, she looked amazingly ancient and partook of a divine quality; as she sat there speaking of fine things as one might expect, she seemed scarcely like a human being, one might even think she was the god manifesting itself.
The author recounts more service at the imperial palace, including a romantic conversation and correspondence with a courtier that fulfilled her fiction-inspired expectations. The diary resumes after a gap of two or three years.
Now I had come to a sharp awareness of regretting only the absurd fancies of long ago, and I also could not help recalling with vexation how I had ended up not going along on my parents’ pilgrimages and such. And now, too, I was wealthy and full of energy, able to raise my “little sprout”269 with the plentiful care I wanted. My situation in the world exceeded that of the “Great Treasure House” mountain, and so it spurred my concern and desires for the world to come. Just past the twentieth of the Eleventh Month,270 I went on a pilgrimage to Ishiyama Temple.
Snow was falling; the scenery along the way was beautiful. When I saw the Osaka Border Barrier, I suddenly recalled that the time we crossed this border long ago271 it also was winter and, at that time, too, how wildly the wind blew.
Ōsaka no
The voice of the
seki no seki kaze
border wind blowing now
fuku koe wa
through the barrier,
mukashi kikishi ni
from the one I heard long ago
kawarazarikeri
is no different at all.
When I saw how splendid the Barrier Temple had been built up, I recalled how, that time before, one could only see the roughly hewn face of the Buddha. How touching it was to realize how many months and years had passed.
The area around the beach of Uchiide and so forth looked no different than before. We arrived at the goal of our pilgrimage just as it was getting dark. Getting down at the purification pavilion, we went up to the Sacred Hall. No one spoke. I found the sound of the mountain wind to be frightening. I dozed off while I was praying, and in a dream a person told me, “Some musk deer incense has been bestowed upon us by the Central Hall. Quickly announce this over there.” I woke up with a start and when I realized that it had been a dream, I felt it must be auspicious, so I spent the whole night in religious devotions.
The next day, too, snow fell heavily. Speaking with the friend I had got to know at court and who had accompanied me on the pilgrimage, I tried to soothe the feelings of uneasiness. We were in retreat for three days and then went back.
That following year, there was a great buzz about the procession for the Great Purification preceding the Great Festival of Thanksgiving that was to be held on the twenty-fifth day of the Tenth Months.272 I had started fasting in preparation for a pilgrimage to Hatsuse Temple, and because I was to leave the capital on that very day, people whom one might expect to take an interest in my affairs said things like, “This is something one only gets to see once in a reign, even people from the countryside and all over the place are coming in to see it. After all, there are so many days in a month. For you to go off and desert the capital on that very day, why, it’s crazy; it will certainly be a tale people will pass around.” Although my brother fumed about it, the father of my children said, “No matter what, do what you think best.”273 I was quite moved by his willingness to send me off in accordance with what I had said. It seems that those who were to accompany me wanted very much to view the procession. Although it was sad for them, I thought to myself, “After all, what does sightseeing amount to? The zeal to want to make a pilgrimage on this kind of occasion will surely be recognized as such. I shall certainly see a sacred sign from the Buddha.” I strengthened my will and left at first light of that day. Just as we were passing along the grand avenue of Nijō (I had had my attendants wear pilgrim’s white garments and those in front carry holy lanterns), there were a lot of people going to and fro, some on horseback, some in ox carriages, some on foot, on their way to take up places in the viewing stands. Surprised and disconcerted at seeing us, people in the crowd murmured, “What on earth is this?” and even some laughed derisively and jeered.
When we passed in front of the house of the guard commander, Yoshiyori,274 it seemed that he was just about to move to his viewing stand. The gates were pushed open wide and people were standing around. Someone said, “That seems to be somebody going on a pilgrimage. And to think of all the other days they could have chosen.” Amid those laughing at this, there was one—I wonder what was in his heart—who said, “What is so important about delighting one’s eyes for a moment? With such fervent zeal, someone like that is sure to receive the Buddha’s grace. Maybe we are the ones without sense. Giving up the sightseeing and making up our minds to do something like that; that is what we ought to be doing.” So, there was one person who could speak with some sense of seriousness.
Not to be exposed to the eyes of others on the road, we had left while it was still dark; now, in order to wait for those who had left later to catch up and hoping that the alarmingly deep fog would lift a little, we stopped at the main gate of Hōshō Temple. There we could really see the crowds of people coming in from the countryside to sightsee; they flowed on and on like a river. Everywhere, it was hard to make way. Even some rather strange-looking urchins who seemed hardly old enough to understand things looked askance at our carriage forcing its way against the stream of traffic. There was no end to it. Seeing all these people, I even began to wonder why on earth I had set out on this trip, but concentrating my thoughts single-mindedly on the Buddha, I finally arrived at Uji. There too, there was a crowd of people wanting to cross over to this side. The boat helmsmen were in no hurry to make the crossings; they stood around, sleeves rolled up, leaning on their oars, looking quite arrogant as though they were not even aware of all the people waiting to cross. Looking around, singing songs, they appeared very smug. We were unable to cross for an interminable amount of time. When I looked carefully around me, I recalled the daughters of the Uji prince in Murasaki’s tale.275 I always had been curious about what kind of place it was where she had had them live. So this must be it, and indeed it is a lovely place. Thinking these thoughts, finally I was ferried across. Also, when I went in to look at the Uji villa belonging to his lordship,276 the first thing that sprang to mind was, “Would not the Lady Ukifune have lived in a place just like this?”277
Since we had left before light, my people were very tired, so we stopped at a place called Yahirouchi. While we were having something to eat, my attendants talked among themselves, “Say, isn’t this the famous Mount Kurikoma?278 It is getting on toward dusk. We had better get everyone ready to go.” I listened to this with apprehension.
We made it over that mountain; just as w
e arrived in the area of Nieno pond, the sun was just setting over the rim of the mountain. “Now let us stop for the night,” said my attendants, and they spread out to seek lodging. “It is not a very suitable place, but there is only this rather poor and shabby little house,” they said. “What else can we do?” I replied, and so we ended up lodging there. There were only two rather seedy-looking men servants in charge, who said, “Everybody else has gone up to the capital.” That night, too, I barely got any sleep. The men servants kept walking around in and out of the house. I heard the maid servants in the rear of the house ask, “Why on earth are you roaming around like that?” “What do you mean? Here we are putting up people we don’t know at all. Suppose they were to make off with the cauldron, what would we do? We can’t sleep for worrying, so we are wandering around keeping an eye on things.” They spoke thinking we were asleep. Listening to this was both strange and amusing.
Early the next morning, we left there and went to pray at Todai Temple. The Isonokami Shrine truly looked as old as its name makes one imagine;279 it is all wild and overgrown.
That night we stayed at a place called Yamabe. Although I was tired, I tried to read the sutras a little. I dozed off, and in a dream I saw myself visiting an amazingly beautiful and noble lady. The wind was blowing hard. She looked at me and smiled, “What brings you here?” she asked. “How could I not pay my respects?” I replied. “It is to be expected that you will live at the imperial palace. It would be good for you to discuss this with Lady Myōbu”280 is what I thought, she said. I felt very happy and putting much store by this dream, my faith strengthened more and more. We went along the Hatsuse River and that night arrived at the holy temple. After performing ablutions, we went up to the main hall. We stayed in retreat for three days. We were to start the return journey at dawn; night came and I dozed off. From the direction of the main hall came a voice, “You there, here is a sacred cedar branch bestowed by the Inari Shrine,”281 and as the person appeared to reach out and throw me something, I woke up with a start and realized it was a dream.
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