by Jaycee Ford
I brought my phone with me and settled back into my chair. After placing it on the end table, I left it alone and turned back to the tales of Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennet. My phone beeped again before I could turn the page. Oh my God. This is really happening. I willed my heart to drum an easy beat. If something were to start, it would be six months in the making. Was he worth moving back to North Carolina?
I miss everything about you. I’ve missed you for six years.
Yep, he was worth moving back. I was putty in his hands. I always was.
What are you doing to keep your mind off me?
I pressed send and debated putting my phone down and picking up my book, or just holding it to wait his reply.
My mind is never off you.
My head fell backward at his words, resting on the chair. I turned my head to the side to look out my window. The concrete jungle surrounded me as I imagined the snowcapped mountains surrounding him. We were a world apart but connected by this little piece of technology.
How come no one has scooped you up yet?
I stared at my cell for a couple of minutes. A sigh escaped me as I placed the phone down next to me. I willed myself to concentrate on the works of Jane Austen, but regardless of what happened last night, my thoughts were never void of Paul.
After a chapter, I glanced at my phone again and saw that it was midnight with no text from Paul. Maybe he fell asleep or went out with the man keeping us apart. I grabbed my phone and headed to my bedroom. After leaving it on my nightstand, I headed to the bathroom. I performed my nightly facial and brushed my teeth, hoping that tomorrow would be kinder. As I reentered my bedroom, my phone lit up, signaling a message. My legs carried my body in a near sprint to get to my phone.
Because I let the woman that I want walk away six years ago, and she walked away again this morning.
The shakiness returned to my hand as it covered my chest to ease the pounding of my heart. I didn’t know if I should commit to something that may never be, but I also knew that this was Paul. He didn’t take this stuff lightly. My heart twinged with confusion. Could I just go with it and attempt to live my life here?
I just needed to shut my brain off.
Don’t worry. I’ll be back. In the meantime, what are you up to?
At Dixie’s, getting drunk off you.
This was going to be a long six months.
WINTER CREPT INTO March with another light dusting of snow that covered the hundreds of acres of the McCloud Farm. I could have stayed at home today, but I would be obsessed over my phone, waiting for Ellie’s messages. Over the past two months, I had sat on the sidelines, benched like a third string quarterback, as she lived her life on the streets of Manhattan with random messages along the way.
I parked my truck next to the barn, figuring I would change the oil in the tractor or something. Anything I needed to do to distract me while Tom and Lance were at a cattle auction. Thoughts always lingered in my head, and those thoughts were always of Ellie. My thoughts were stuck on someone who I could never call my own.
The summer dew hung low in the morning air as I threw out a line into the pond at the farm, attempting to shake off the bit of a hangover I had gotten from a night of beer pong. Having graduated high school just weeks prior, my educational career was over. I felt like I would miss out on the college life, but working while in college to pay off bills and loans didn’t seem fun, especially for someone who would just end up back here, doing what they loved doing. I liked working with Tom on his farm. I knew I had job security. I could spend four years struggling through college and end up at a minimum wage job. I was content in the country. The country was where I would stay, but I knew I had to let her go. Lance hadn’t mentioned what he planned on doing with Ellie. I didn’t see him traveling back and forth to New York to visit her while he went to Appalachian State University, and I didn’t see her coming back here often either.
Leaves and pine needles crunched behind me as I sipped a morning hangover beer. As I held my line, Lance sat beside me. I didn’t see him much during the party. Of course, my mind led me to certain things since Ellie vanished as well. It was just something I had to endure for the past year since they lost it to each other. That was a fun day finding that out. I studied his face as he gazed over the hazy lake. His eyes were puffy and red, his face paled with loss.
“Are you okay, Lance?” I asked. He closed his eyes and hung his head. I had never seen him this torn up.
“I broke up with Ellie.”
Emotions surged through me, hitting me all over the place. My brain was screaming while my heart was singing. I focused on the steady water, trying to breathe normally. My foot twitched. I wanted to run to her and claim her as mine. It was too soon. I wouldn’t do that to her, but I needed her to know that I was there for her.
“Bros before hoes, Paul.”
My hands clenched the rod as I shifted my gaze back to him, his red, puffy eyes staring across the water. My heart sank. He knew.
“I’ve never loved anyone else. I don’t know if I could love anyone else. I’ve pretended to do things so she would realize how wrong I was for her. I didn’t want her to stay here in the country when she has so much more potential in the city. If I ended it with her, then I knew she would go. There wouldn’t be anything to keep her back.” He turned his head toward me and his eyes held a begging sadness. I could read his thoughts clearly. I would have to let her go as well.
“So, you never did cheat on her?”
He shook his head and replied, “I kissed Angela once. But that was her doing and awful timing. At Tom’s Christmas party, Ellie said that she was going to skip out on New York and look into something local or not even go to design school. I couldn’t let her do that, so I had to do whatever I could to make her want to go. I just tried to act like a prick and ignore her, but she seemed to find comfort elsewhere as well.”
That Christmas party, six months prior, came into mind with memories of lots of eggnog heavily laced with bourbon, mistletoe, and a hot little elf with hair of fire. I literally ran into her as we were both passing through the same doorway. Her arms automatically encircled my waist, and I gazed at her cherry-colored lips. She looked up at the mistletoe, and with bourbon running through her veins, she said, “Look, mistletoe. Whatcha gonna do about it, cowboy?”
She bit her lip, beckoning me to pry it loose with mine. My heart and whiskey took over my actions. I had no control as I drew my head down toward her.
“Paul!”
I jumped away from her, turning around to find Tom in the kitchen. He knew exactly what was about to happen. I could see it in his glare.
“The keg’s floated. Help me bring in a new one.” Without turning back toward Ellie, I grabbed her hand from around my waist and gave it a gentle squeeze, hoping she knew what the cowboy wanted to do about it, but I knew I never could. And I still couldn’t now that they had broken up, not with my best friend near tears.
I patted my friend on the back as he hung his head again. I never got to call her mine. I couldn’t understand the pain he must be going through if he truly did love her, and how could he not have? She was absolute perfection.
After I finished tuning up the tractor, I leaned against a wooden post near a wood burning stove in the barn. I stared into its flames, reminding me of her hair lying across the pillow. It had been over six years, and Lance surely made his point to get over Ellie with half the town.
What Ellie and I had been doing was just a few messages between friends, a friend who I made come three times in one night, a friend whose naked body wouldn’t leave my thoughts. I pulled out my phone and stared at the screen, which turned out to be blank. There were a few days where I didn’t text her, and when I did text her the day after, she was short and not as responsive. I wondered if she was busy, but when I got her talking, I realized she wasn’t going to text me first. I had to always text her. Sometimes we would text late, telling each other good night, and sometimes I would get no respon
se after seven in the evening. The thought of her dating someone drove me a little crazy, but I never asked her if she was. That might need to be a discussion, but I didn’t want to scare her off. I wanted her to stick around. I needed her to. I would take it up a notch.
Hey, sexy.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and refused to look at it for at least twenty minutes. I walked out of the barn into the cold. The sun shone on my face. The light dusting had melted since earlier, but there wasn’t much else to do on the farm to keep me preoccupied.
My phone beeped with a text and my fingers itched to check it, but I told myself twenty minutes. I would drive into town and check it after. I hopped into my truck and drove out to the highway from the farm. The ice and snow melted before my eyes as the cold of my heart melted as well. I could only hope it wouldn’t be obliterated in the process.
My truck eased into a spot across the street from the weathered door of Dixie’s Tavern as the after-work crowd started to pour in. I checked the clock on my dash, and it had been close enough to twenty minutes. I dug my phone out of my pocket and swiped the screen to open the message.
Hey, you. You’ve been quiet today.
A small smile eased up my face. The thought that she took notice of things like my random messages gave me some sort of hope.
Had to handle the farm myself today. What are you doing tonight?
It was Friday, and I needed to figure out if she was busy on a date night. I shoved my phone back into my jacket pocket to give her a few minutes to reply. The chill remained in the air as I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans, bowing my Stetson against the wind. I pulled open the door to Dixie’s, and instantly noticed a table of girls pointing at a uniformed policeman at the bar. I chuckled and wondered what they would think about a cowboy and a cop sharing a beer.
As I walked to the bar, I could feel numerous pairs of eyes shift toward me. I wasn’t interested, but it felt damn good. I slapped the pig on the back as he was sipping his beer, causing it to slush out of his glass.
“What up, bro?” I sat next to him, motioned for Mrs. Betty, and added, “Mrs. Betty, can you get a bib for my brother, Caleb? He seems to have forgotten how to drink.”
The owner and bartender laughed while shaking her head, and started to pour me a draft.
“Asswipe. Nice to see you.” He lifted his beer for another swig.
“Oh-Em-Gee, the uniform and a cowboy,” came from the table behind us. Caleb shook his head at the heckling.
“You better check on that, bro. You know the ladies love handcuffs.” I glanced over my shoulder. Not a bad lot, but none was Ellie, so I turned back around.
“And that’s exactly why I became a cop.”
I laughed, knowing that was the truth.
Mrs. Betty brought me a beer and I settled back to watch whatever sport was on TV. I dug out my phone to see a text from Ellie.
Just going out.
That was a red flag. When she didn’t elaborate, it meant she had a date. I tossed down my phone without a reply and chugged my beer in one gulp.
“What has your panties in a wad?” I turned to look at my brother and shook my head. He added, “Something has been up with you since New Year. What’s going on?”
I never considered telling anyone about Ellie, but Caleb was so far removed from the situation that maybe it was safe to get it off my chest. Mrs. Betty placed another beer in front of me like clockwork. I took a long pull, attempting to calm the little bit of possessive rage that consumed me.
“Ellie Caldwell.”
“Ellie Caldwell? I haven’t heard that name in years. What’s up with her?” he asked, and raised his glass for a drink.
“I slept with her.”
He spilled his beer again.
“You really do need a bib.”
“You slept with Ellie Caldwell?” He wiped his chin from the loss of beer dripping down his face. I nodded as I stared at the television.
“Is that who you’ve been texting?”
I nodded again.
“Still hung up on her like crazy, I gather.”
I turned toward him, seeing the concern in his eyes. I shrugged. He shook his head, understanding exactly what was going on.
“You know, if you finish that beer, I’m under the confines of the law to make you wait an hour before you drive, so why don’t you go home now. Perhaps you can call a certain girl and make sure that you’re on her mind before she goes off to wherever it is that has your panties in a wad.”
I reached for my beer, taking one last chug, and arched my brow just to be a little shit. I patted him on the shoulder and said, “Mrs. Betty, my brother is covering me.”
“See you later, asswipe,” he said as he returned to his beer and television. I loved my brother. I grabbed my phone from the bar, and texted as I headed out of Dixie’s and into the cold.
Where are you going?
I hopped into my truck and took off over the hill. I didn’t waste any time. I hadn’t heard her voice in two months, but if she was dating someone, I was sure as hell going to throw a wrench in it. My phone beeped, and I checked it at a stop sign.
If you must know, I have a date.
I threw my phone down on the seat and gripped my steering wheel, driving the back roads like the devil to get to my house. This was my fault. I tried to keep my distance, but that was for my benefit. I couldn’t do this to myself, but damn it, I wasn’t losing her to some city suit son of a bitch. I pulled onto the gravel drive and reached for my phone. I clicked open my contacts and stared at her number. Now was the time. I was growing a pair and calling the love of my life.
It rang three times. If she didn’t answer, I would keep calling and calling until she did.
“Hey.” Her voice sent my heart into overdrive. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t.
“How long have you been dating someone?” I didn’t care if I declared us only as friends after our night. I said I would be the only one to take care of her needs. She promised to come home, and I planned on making sure that she did.
“A few weeks, I guess. It’s very casual, Paul. I promise.”
The sound of my name on her lips made the past two months bearable.
“Are you still planning on coming back, Ellie?” I knew there was desperation in my voice, but I couldn’t help it. I needed her like I needed air to breathe. My night with her was the only time I ever felt like I had lived. I needed her to know that.
“How come you never call me?” Her question hit me harder than I thought imaginable. I had to be honest with her as well as myself.
“Because, Ellie.” I exhaled a sigh. “Reading your words tear me up enough. Being without you makes my heart ache, and I don’t know how to deal with it.” When she didn’t say anything, I asked again, “Are still planning on coming back?”
“Will I have something to come back to?” Her question flashed me back to standing beside a bonfire with the summer heat pulsing around us. I answered as I did then.
“Me. You have me.”
A faint sniffle came through my phone. My hand clutched my chest. In that moment, I knew that I would never love anyone as much as I loved her.
“Are you going to tell Lance this time?”
I nodded to myself. I had to.
“I will in time. I promise.”
A muffled knock sounded through the phone. “I have to go, Paul.”
“Don’t go out with him,” I begged. I wasn’t too proud to do so anymore.
“Let me handle this. Can I call you when I get home?” Her reassurance eased my heart for the moment.
“I’ll be waiting.”
She hung up and I waited. I waited all night with the cold consuming my soul.
A KNOCK ERUPTED from my door again. My hands shook as I placed down the phone and wiped the tears that had fallen. I exhaled and laid a hand over my stomach to calm the butterflies that swarmed. I grabbed my purse, tucking in my phone, and walked over to the door. He actual
ly wanted to be with me. All of these months of texts weren’t for nothing. The happiest of smiles threaten to glide up my face. I pulled open my front door with my shoulders sighing in relief. Lips were upon mine within a second, startling me out of my stupor. I didn’t even close my eyes. Gianni pulled his mouth from mine as my eyes widened in shock.
“We’ve been going out for a few weeks and you’ve never let me kiss you. So, I took the initiative.” A smile lifted his cheeks as he leaned inside my doorway, wearing a pair of dark jeans and a button-down shirt. He was one of the sexiest men I had ever seen, but that meant nothing when my heart loved another.
I laid my hand on his chest, his heart thumping underneath my touch. I looked into his warm eyes and wished I could leave the past behind me. I knew my obsession with the cowboy wasn’t healthy, but the heart wanted what the heart wanted.
“I just want to keep things casual, Gianni.”
His hand covered mine, which was still on his chest, as he leaned close to me again. “Can’t a kiss be casual?”
I shook my head, not helping the smile that emerged. “I don’t think anything with you is casual.”
He took my hand and wrapped it around his arm as my door closed and automatically locked behind me.
“You’ve made it very difficult for me, belle, but I’m trying my hardest.”
After leaving our apartment complex, we hopped into an awaiting cab, and Gianni pulled me close to him with his arm around my shoulders.
Don’t go out with him. Paul’s words echoed in my ears, a voice filled with desperation. I kept my hands securely in my lap while Gianni’s scent filled the cab, something male and expensive. Guilt consumed me. It shouldn’t have though. Paul texted me when it was convenient for him, it seemed, and I never received a call until today when I told him I had a date. If I would have told him weeks ago that I had a date, maybe he would have called me sooner.
“Guggenheim, please.”
I turned my head to study Gianni. He didn’t shift his eyes toward me, but he smiled, flashing that devilish dimple of his.