Like I Love You (Love Wins (JMS Books))

by J. T. Marie

  “No, no,” Dana assured her, “I’m not. I work at the library until eleven, though.” Quickly she reeled off the four-digit phone extension to her dorm room.

  Bethany scribbled it down, then reached over for Dana’s notebook and wrote her own number on the front cover. “I’m in Mendenhall. You?”

  Mendenhall was one of the smaller, three-story dormitories in Rivers Edge, which housed a mix of freshmen and sophomores and was a short walk from Dana’s dorm. “Jameson, fourth floor,” she said. “I can reserve a study lounge at the library, if you want—”

  “I have a single room,” Bethany told her. “Well, no, it’s a double, but my roommate dropped out or something, I don’t really know what happened, but they never moved anyone else in with me, so it’s basically a single. We can just go back to my place and no one will bother us, so no worries. I’ll swing by the library later and catch up with you there.”

  A single room. No one will bother us, so no worries. Dana wondered if Bethany had deliberately tried to make it sound like an open invitation. The thought of being alone together behind closed doors thrilled Dana. But maybe she was reading things wrong. Was it always this tentative between women? Would they be able to open up more to each other when no one else was around?

  Dana hoped so. God, she hoped so.

  * * * *

  All evening long, as Dana worked the reference desk on the library’s first floor, she waited for Bethany to show up. Every time she saw someone of similar height or build walk by, her heart stuttered, her pulse quickened, and her palms grew damp, but the person never stopped, never swerved to come over and say hi. It was never Bethany.

  The hours dragged by, long and boring. On her break at eight o’clock, she bought a candy bar from the vending machine and stood in line to use the campus phone. But the student in front of her took too long and she didn’t get a chance to call Bethany before she had to clock back in. Damn it.

  The rest of the evening stretched out ahead of her, the library emptying out with each passing moment. It was late on a Friday evening, the weather was gorgeous, and no one in their right mind wanted to be hanging around campus if they could help it, Dana included. From her perch behind the reference desk, she surreptitiously read a book for one of her lit classes and counted down the minutes until she could head back to her dorm. She’d call Bethany in the morning, maybe even invite her to brunch at the cafeteria.

  Yeah, that sounded good. As if I’ll have the nerve. But hey, a girl could dream, couldn’t she?

  At eleven, Dana put up the Closed sign—the reference and research desks shut down a full hour before the library did at midnight—and pulled her messenger bag over her head to hang it across her body. It was too late to call Bethany now, even if she did have a single room. Besides, Dana reasoned while clocking out, a girl like Bethany probably had plans on Friday night that took her far from the dormitory; schoolwork would be the last thing on her mind. Tomorrow she’d call, around ten or so, and she promised herself she would ask Bethany to brunch. Even if it was only to grab a bite to eat at the caff.

  But when she stepped outside, to her surprise, she saw Bethany sitting on one of the stone benches along the walkway leading from the library. “Hey,” Dana called, surprised. She came over to where her classmate sat, leafing through a paperback. A stack of books sat on the bench beside her.

  Bethany glanced up and smiled, marking her place in the book with one finger. “Hey, yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t stop by sooner—I fell asleep after dinner and only just woke up.”

  With a laugh, Dana said, “That’s alright.” She didn’t say she’d been waiting all night. Bethany didn’t need to know that. “You’re here now.”

  “I didn’t want to call and wake your roommate,” Bethany said.

  Dana shrugged. “She’s probably out partying. Kimber’s pledging a sorority this year.”

  “Oh? Which one?” Before Dana could admit she didn’t know, Bethany laughed. “Don’t bother answering. I know shit-all about them. It’s totally not my scene.”

  Relief washed over Dana. “Mine, either. So did you want to set up a date, or something?” Her face flushed and she felt sweat bead on the back of her neck. Was she asking Bethany out? It sure sounded like it. Quickly, she added, “For our project?”

  “I was thinking tomorrow afternoon.” Bethany stood and stretched, her shirt pulling sensuously over her slim body and small breasts. “We could meet around ten or so, grab a bite to eat, then get down to work. I have a few ideas of books we might consider using, if you don’t have any preferences.”

  Dana couldn’t take her gaze off Bethany. Did she even know how beautiful she was? Dana didn’t think so. “No, I don’t know many French authors.”

  “I know tons.” Picking up her books, Bethany cradled them in her arms and nodded towards the steps. “Walk back with me?”

  “Sure.”

  They fell into step together easily, close enough that when their hips swayed, they sometimes bumped each other. Anyone watching would’ve thought they were two old friends returning to their dorms. Dana wondered what it would take to move beyond this to something more intimate. Perhaps tomorrow she’d get a chance to find out.

  * * * *

  The next morning, they agreed to meet outside Bethany’s dorm, then walked together to the cafeteria. During the week, the campus had a wide variety of fast food places available to students on the meal plan, but on weekends, only the cafeteria in the Student Union served breakfast. Because of the way the plans were structured, students actually only got two meals a day on Saturday and Sunday, so most of them slept in until late morning and then filled up at the caff on a heavy brunch that left them satiated until dinner time.

  Over a decadent meal of Belgian waffles slathered with whipped cream, fruit, and chocolate drizzle, Dana and Bethany learned more about each other. They were both sophomores, and both hailed from small towns in Virginia a good two hours’ drive from campus, though in different directions. Dana lived south of Richmond, straight down the interstate, while Bethany was out west towards the mountains, past Charlottesville. They both preferred going to the movies to watching television, and when Dana mentioned a second-run theater not far from school that they could get to on the public bus, Bethany’s eyes widened in disbelief. “No way!” she cried. “I didn’t know that!”

  “Haven’t you taken the bus just to see where it goes?” Dana asked. It was one of the first things she did her freshman year; without a car, public transportation was the only way she could get off campus and the bus was free to students with a valid ID. “There are only two screens and the movies are on their way to video, but tickets are just three dollars. I think they’re showing Jurassic Park this weekend.”

  “We should totally go!” When Bethany got excited, her whole face lit up—Dana thought she seemed to radiate from the inside out. “Have you seen it yet?”

  Dana wrinkled her nose. “It’s like Barney on steroids, or something. I don’t really want to see it.”

  But Bethany cajoled, “Oh, come on, it’ll be fun. Three bucks! How can you beat that?”

  Though she wasn’t really interested in the film, sitting in the dark with Bethany would have its merits. “Alright, I’ll go. They run two shows every night, I think, like seven and nine. We can check the school newspaper, I know the times are in there.”

  “Great!” Bethany dove into her waffle with vigor. “Even if the movie’s bad, this will be fun, you’ll see.”

  * * * *

  They spent the rest of the afternoon in Bethany’s room working on their project. Well, Bethany worked on the project; Dana stared at Bethany instead. Everything her new friend said or did, Dana interpreted as a double entendre. A quick glance, a warm smile, a casual touch—each ignited Dana’s blood, set her heart racing and her mind aflame. Was Bethany flirting with her? Or was it simply her overactive imagination? Did she want Bethany to like her so badly that she had to read into every little thing?

&nbs
p; Was Bethany just being friendly? How would Dana ever be able to tell?

  Bethany’s knowledge of French women writers seemed encyclopedic compared to Dana’s own. “I took a French lit class last semester,” Bethany explained, her tone almost apologetic. Many of the books she mentioned as ones they might be interested in doing for the project she already owed, but her copies were all in French. “I’ll just tell you what they’re about and when we pick the ones we’re going to use, I’m sure you can find English translations in the library.”

  “If this was English class, I’d read circles around you in a heartbeat,” Dana promised. “Oh, wait—it is an English class, at least for me.”

  “Really? I signed up for it as a French class.” Bethany laughed, that twinkling wind chime sound Dana could listen to all day. “Too funny!”

  One of the books Bethany suggested was called Coup de Grâce by Marguerite Yourcenar. “The English version is just as good as the French,” Bethany said, “because her lover was the one who translated most of her work. Can you imagine how awesome it’d be to have the person translating your stuff into another language sleeping with you, too? If they had any doubt about what you meant by a particular word or phrase, all they’d have to do is roll over in the morning and ask you.”

  Dana may not have known many gay people in her lifetime—coming from such a sheltered small town almost guaranteed she’d grown up with a closed mind when it came to LGBT issues—but she knew the gender-neutral terms “lover” and “partner” usually meant “of the same sex.” She tried not to get too excited by Bethany picking the book. Maybe it was just a good read?

  Carefully, she asked, “What’s the book about?”

  “This guy who’s in love with his best friend,” Bethany explained, “only he can’t say anything, because it’s set during the Russian Civil War, so men didn’t really go around proclaiming their love for other men then. Plus they were both soldiers, and the best friend’s sister’s in love with the main character. It’s really good.”

  Okay, hold up, wait. There were coincidences, and then there were slap in the face, straight up destiny. Dana was an English major; she knew an allusion when she saw one. Bethany liked her, had to, and was as tentative and unsure as Dana about admitting it.

  So she picked a book by an author who had a lesbian lover which involved a gay love story at its heart and hoped…what? That Dana would be able to read between the lines and see how interested she was in pursuing a relationship of their own? That the story would bring them together somehow?

  Were matters of the heart always this touch and go? Dana wasn’t sure, but with a knowing smile, she took the book Bethany offered her and leafed through it, even though it was in French and she couldn’t read a word of it. She’d get there, she hoped. Eventually.

  * * * *

  To Dana, they seemed to become fast friends, spending the day talking books and getting to know each other. By the time they decided to grab a bite to eat and catch the early show of Jurassic Park, Dana felt as if they’d always hung out together. The next step appeared to be so easy—let her hand slip down into Bethany’s, stare a little too long after something that made the both of them laugh, lean in slowly to claim that first, tentative kiss. They were getting there, Dana knew, slowly but surely.

  By this time next week, she’d have her first real girlfriend. And such a pretty one at that. She could hardly wait.

  They sat together on the bus, side by side in the small seat, Dana’s hip pressed against Bethany’s until she thought she’d die from the heat of their touch. It took all the strength she had to stare straight ahead and pretend she felt nothing from the weight of Bethany’s leg alongside hers. The movies would be maddening, sitting together in the dark, but truth be told, she couldn’t wait. They really could be seeing Barney and Friends for all she cared; as long as Bethany was beside her, she didn’t care what was going to be on the screen.

  Outside the theater, Dana stood as close to Bethany as she dared as they waited in line to buy tickets. A lot of college kids were there—it was apparently a popular hangout for upperclassmen—but Dana didn’t see anyone she knew. She wondered if anyone thought she and Bethany were a couple. She inched closer to her friend, leaned into Bethany when she laughed, tried to be careless and nonchalant like Bethany seemed to be. I like you, she thought, and imagined projecting the feeling from every pore of her body, thinking it directly into Bethany’s head. I like you, I do. Look at me now, right now, if you like me, too.

  When Bethany grinned her way, Dana knew it. They were meant to be together.

  The movie turned out to be better than Dana expected. She got caught up in it as much as everyone else in the theater did. When things onscreen got a bit scary, she reached over for her friend’s hand only to find Bethany reaching back. There was nothing safe or childlike about the dinosaurs in this film, and Dana loved every heart-racing minute of it. She gripped Bethany’s hand tight, unwilling to let go even after everything ended happily, and as the credits began to roll, she said, “I want to see it again!”

  “Me, too!” Bethany glanced around, a wicked smirk on her face. “Let’s go to the restroom and wait until they start the next show, then we’ll slip on in and find seats in the back. What do you say?”

  It sounded crazy and daring; what could Dana say? “Let’s do it!”

  The bathroom had only one stall; they both crowded into it, pulling the door shut behind them in case one of the ushers looked in to see if anyone was inside. Bethany climbed onto the back of the toilet and hunkered down, then motioned for Dana to sit on the closed lid. “This is so bad,” Dana whispered, excited and nervous at the same time. She had to bury her face in her hands to stifle her giggles. “What if we get caught?”

  “We’ll just say we’re making out,” Bethany told her. “They’ll be too embarrassed to say anything. If the door opens, remember to pull your legs up so no one sees them.”

  “I will.” Making out. Dana wished she were brave enough to suggest they do just that—they have a good twenty minutes to kill. After a few moments, she ventured to ask, “Have you ever done that before?” She hoped she didn’t sound overly eager to know the answer.

  Bethany was squatting on the tank behind her, so Dana couldn’t see her friend’s face. “Done what? Snuck into another movie on the same ticket? Sure, now and then. It’s like a double feature but you only pay for one flick.”

  “No, I mean…” Dana cleared her throat and ran her fingers around her lips to wipe away the sweat beginning to bead there. “Have you ever made out with another girl before?”

  She felt Bethany tug playfully at her hair. “Pssh, no. Don’t be silly. I’m not into girls. I just said that in case someone walks in and finds us here. We can’t tell them what we’re really doing, now can we?”

  Not into girls. Dana’s whole body seemed to deflate. She bent over her knees, pulling out of Bethany’s reach, and stared at the tiled floor between her feet. She should’ve known better than to get her hopes up. Not into girls. Of course not. Why would she be?

  As if she realized she’d hurt Dana’s feelings somehow, Bethany ran a soothing hand down Dana’s back. Damn, but her touch could still ignite Dana’s skin beneath her clothes, leaving a trail of flames in its wake. “What about you?” Bethany asked gently.

  Dana shrugged, neither yes nor no. She no longer wanted to talk about it.

  With a sigh, Bethany admitted, “I have a boyfriend back home. His name is Terrance. We’ve been together since eighth grade.”

  “Do you love him?” Dana wanted to know.

  “Well, yeah.” The way she said it didn’t sound too convincing, but Dana wasn’t in the mood to argue. “What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?”

  Suddenly Dana stood up. “You know what? It’s getting late. Maybe we should just get back to campus.” Without waiting for Bethany to reply, she opened the stall door and stepped out.

  Bethany followed. “I thought you wanted to see the movie agai
n?”

  “Once was enough.”

  Walking over to the sink, Dana washed her hands, then splashed cold water on her face so she wouldn’t have to look at Bethany’s reflection in the mirror. One word tolled through her mind like a bell. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She should’ve known better than to crush on someone like Bethany—of course a girl like that would have a boyfriend. Terrance was probably hot as shit, an all-star athlete on scholarship somewhere, working his way through college just waiting for the chance to settle down and marry Bethany. After graduation, they’d get married, buy a house in the suburbs, and have a bunch of beautiful children.

  And Dana would be on her own, alone. Maybe if she were lucky, she’d have a cat to sleep beside her at night, but no girlfriend. No Bethany.

  A warm hand touched her shoulder. “Dana, are you alright?” Bethany asked.

  Grabbing a paper towel from the dispenser, Dana wiped the water from her eyes and turned to smile at her friend. “Fine. If we hurry, we won’t have to wait too long for the next bus. Come on.”

  Bethany’s words continued to echo in Dana’s ears. Not into girls. As she followed Bethany out of the restroom, she wondered if she’d hear them for the rest of her life.

  Chapter 2: Still Have You

  May 1996

  The morning of graduation, Dana woke earlier than usual to a bare room full of boxes. Everything she had accumulated in the past three years was packed away neatly in cardboard and labeled, ready to be loaded into her parents’ car whenever they arrived on campus. For a long moment she stared at the ceiling, listening to the quiet around her; before long, the day would burst into motion and sound, but for now everything hung in suspended animation, frozen in time. This was her last day as a college student, her last morning waking in a room she shared with Bethany. Tomorrow she’d be back home, expected to begin life as an adult, ready to look for a real job and a place of her own.

  The thought terrified her.