by Mairi Chong
Copyright © 2020 by Mairi Chong
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
ISBN: 978-1-913463-00-7 (print edition)
ISBN: 978-1-913463-01-4 (ebook edition)
For W - more than anything
1
He died alone. In all fairness, it was how he would have wanted it, had he ever thought about death. Sadly, other aspects of his final few minutes were far from favourable. But then no-one would choose that end, if they knew.
He had seen many others die. He had counselled them beforehand, preparing them for what he thought might happen. He had even assisted in their deaths, if he was totally honest. It was part of the job after all, playing God. Not that they talked about it, but it was. Now he was no different from Mrs Goodwin or Keith Shepherd, or any of the others he had watched as they left this world. Now they were all equal.
He tasted metal and gagged, but his throat was too dry. No saliva came. He tried to lick his lips, but his tongue was lodged like a slice of cured ham pressed hard against glass. His lips twisted. His mouth splintered and tore. He moaned. His eyes were wide and darted wild like an animal.
Surely none of them had suffered this? He knew that there was no going back now. The flames came in waves, blistering and wracking at his chest. His breath was spasmodic. Little air entered. His body heaved with the exertion. He could smell burning. Like seared bacon.
Sweating, he reached up and tugged helplessly at his neck-tie. Despite tearing half of the buttons from his shirt in his urgency, he gained no relief. His skin was cold and wet. Like the scales of a fish. His hands shook. He looked down and saw blood and pink vomit.
Still, the fire licked and teased. He was tormented by the pain. No words came. Twice, maybe three times, he tried to call out. His mouth was a yawning hole. He had left pressing the emergency buzzer too long. Bubbles and foam came, but nothing else. No-one would hear him drowning in fire.
He grabbed blindly for the sink. Instead, he fell. Crumpled and foetal. He was beyond wondering if someone might come.
He was on the floor now. His body was no longer his own. Primitive reflexes continued. He twitched and thrashed, but was completely unaware.
His mouth was now a crevasse of ugly blistering skin. His eyes stared at the door, unseeing.
2
Dr Cathy Moreland looked up from her computer screen. Her eyes were alert, but her mind was tired. She had been rubbing her right temple when the knock came, a habit she was prone to indulge. It was as if she was trying to soothe away her overactive thoughts, but it rarely worked. The door, which had already been ajar, slowly opened further and Brenda looked in.
‘Have you got a minute, Cathy?’ she asked, and without waiting for an answer, entered.
Cathy smiled sardonically at the practice manager, Brenda, who was dressed conservatively as always. A floral dress covered her ample figure, and the heavy make-up and sensibly low block-heels completed the picture. Brenda must have been in her late fifties. Married and childless, it seemed that she devoted her latter years entirely to the practice. She spoke little of her husband, who Cathy knew only by name. She was a private woman, all in all. Efficient and private.
Brenda was smiling at her. Her face looked like a soft marshmallow. Irreverently, Cathy imagined the billowy pinkish-white foam, depressing under her teeth, the layer of sugary dust, clagging on her tongue. Stop it, she told herself, that kind of nonsense wouldn’t do.
The doctor moved around her desk, positioned to the left of the room and angled so that both clinician and patient might sit without barrier. This layout suited Cathy’s consulting style well. She was accommodating to her patients’ needs and saw medical decisions less as those to be made by herself as an authoritarian, but more in partnership.
The room was on what was considered to be the least desirable side of the building, with the other consulting rooms across the corridor looking out onto fields. Cathy observed only the comings and goings in the carpark. Had she been given the option, she might well have chosen it anyway. Her room felt light and airy, and between patients she would occasionally amuse herself by people-watching from behind the blinds.
Turning at the door and glancing across to the window now, Cathy spotted one of her practice partners, James, jogging back from his car carrying a bag, his suit jacket flapped in the wind. Cathy smiled and shut the door. Brenda, she saw, had already settled herself in the chair offered.
‘Well?’ Cathy said expectantly, sitting down once more. Since returning the week before, she had felt sure that there had been a shift. There now seemed a veil of forced-civility between her and the staff. Everyone had been very welcoming and kind, but it all felt rather false. Of course, she had known that returning after such a long leave of absence would be hard, especially given the circumstances, but she had hoped things might have relaxed by now.
Cathy didn’t quite know where she stood currently. Neither of her partners had spoken directly with her about the situation since she had come back. James, the more senior of the two, had come in on the first day and had given her an almost laughable speech about taking control of her life and making a difference to the rest of the community, or some such drivel, but as yet no-one had mentioned the big taboo. That, she supposed was to be discussed at this evening’s meeting.
Cathy finally broke the silence. ‘It’s this evening, isn’t it, Brenda? The meeting? What have they said?’
Brenda looked up sharply, her eyes wide and unblinking. ‘Nothing, Cathy. James and Mark don’t tell me their business. You of all people should know that by now.’
Cathy laughed, knowing this to be a lie. Brenda wrote the minutes for the meetings. She would have already prepared an agenda.
As she sat, she studied Brenda closely. Was this why the practice manager had come into her room? Had she wanted to forewarn her about the decision? Perhaps her two partners had already discussed everything in her absence and had decided to send Brenda to do their dirty work. She couldn’t blame them if they had. Not after all that had happened.
The practice manager, who had been part of the team since before Cathy had joined, looked back at her. Her face, Cathy decided, although more tired than when she had first started all those years ago, was still rather beautiful. Her eyes were an unusual pale mauve. Cathy found herself transfixed by them for a moment. Brenda smiled at her. Her eyes crinkled. Cathy thought that she saw compassion. That must mean bad news.
‘I wish you’d just say,’ Cathy went on. ‘It’s better to prepare me. Surely you owe me that?’
What if, during her three month absence, her partners had decided that they would ask her to leave, or worse still, rather than this, she would be requested to demote to staff-grade? Perhaps they were going to offer Linda the partnership. Maybe Linda had done so well during Cathy’s time off that they felt she was a better bet than Cathy herself. They would put the downgrade to her, as a kindhearted offering. She would see the embarrassment and pity in James’s eyes. Mark, her other partner, would be more abrupt and offhand. Once he had made a decision, there was no point in talking it over.
Cathy liked and respected both of her practice partners, they were excellent doctors, but how would she be able to carry on working alongside them, knowing that she had once been their equal? But she wasn’t completely crazy. She wouldn’t stand in their way if that’s what they had decided.
During her three month’s enforced leave, Cathy had thought often of her colleagues. She had needed the time out to rebuild her strength,
but had felt guilty for it all the same. She had been given no other option though. Things had become so bad that she was, by that stage, a risk to herself and her patients. The illness had swept over her so fast. She had tried to conceal much of it, but by the end, her erratic behaviour was becoming impossible. There had been complaints. Cathy cringed when she recalled the language she had used during consultations. Thankfully though, for the most part, she had scraped by without incident. She had, in her heart known what was wrong when they took her to the hospital. She wasn’t so far gone so as to miss the tell-tale signs. It had still come as a shock though, having the diagnosis confirmed, and then there was the awful spell as an inpatient until her medication kicked in.
Over the years, Cathy had looked after several patients with bipolar disorder. At the time, she felt that she had done a good job showing them respect and compassion, as she did with all of the people that she cared for who were in mental disarray. Having stood in their shoes since however, she saw things somewhat differently. Gone was her selfish fortitude and drive, and in its place, was a vulnerability. This might, on a good day, lead her to a greater understanding of her patients. On a bad day, however, the deeper empathy and insight might completely crush her. Cathy was still to be tested in this respect, but she knew that it must eventually come. There would be a patient who would rock her foundations and challenge her professionalism.
‘Linda isn’t coming, is she?’ Cathy asked, unable to hide the note of paranoia in her voice.
‘Linda?’ Brenda asked. ‘No, she’s not been attending any of the business meetings while you’ve been away, only the clinical ones. Oh Cathy,’ Brenda suddenly said with genuine feeling. Cathy looked up at her and then back at her own hands. ‘Please,’ she went on, ‘don’t jump every time we’re due to have a meeting, expecting it to be something bad. I’m sure Mark and James just want to discuss practice business. Of course, they’ll want to ask how the week’s been for you, but don’t read too much into that. We all just need to adjust to one another a bit again.’
Cathy sighed and continued to study her hands. Her fingernails were short, but around them, the skin was dry and splintered. She caught at an edge and picked it, revealing a capillary bleed that only lasted a second before she covered it with her thumb and returned her attention to Brenda.
‘How have you been finding the week anyway?’ asked Brenda. ‘That’s really why I came in. Not to break some horrible news to you, if that’s what you’re thinking.’
‘Fine,’ Cathy said, shortly. ‘I’m frustrated not to be doing more, but it’s fine.’
‘If it’s getting to you that much, you can do some of the insurance claims in-between your patients. I’ve been nagging the boys to do them the whole time you’ve been away. I think they’ve been dumping them on poor Linda to be honest, rather than bothering themselves.’
‘Poor Linda,’ Cathy said rather cruelly. ‘I’m sure she coped admirably.’
‘Yes, well Mark’s been given an earful from me while you’ve been away. That’s another reason I wanted a word. All that carrying on with Tracy. You’d have heard about the two of them, I take it? I didn’t want you to get a shock or put your foot in it. Horribly unprofessional to be dating a staff member, and when his divorce is barely settled.’ The practice manager sighed. ‘It’s not been easy, while you’ve been away, you know? Not for anyone.’
Cathy nodded. She had never been desperately fond of Tracy, their newer practice nurse. She had seemed a little too flashy, and eager to offer her assistance at the most noticeable times. Their other nurse Irene, was quite the opposite. She had worked for the practice for over ten years now, and had performed her duties quietly and apparently without the expectation of gratitude or fuss.
‘Yes, well it caused a bit of a stir initially. You’d think they’d be grown up enough to conduct themselves with some decency, but apparently not.’ Brenda said.
Cathy laughed and glancing sideways, found herself automatically scanning her computer screen. Finally, her next patient was in the waiting room.
Brenda got up.
‘I’ll let you get on,’ she said, but turning at the door, she paused. ‘Cathy, don’t be so defensive. James and Mark aren’t perfect either. None of us are. Just give it time.’
3
‘Morning ladies,’ Fraser said, walking into the shop. He often arrived a little later than his two assistants Anna and Sarah, allowing them to open the front door. Giving them, as he said, a little responsibility. It was essential that the girls felt valued and part of the team.
The two girls had been speaking in whispered tones behind the counter. Sarah turned and smiled brightly at her superior.
‘Morning Mr Edwards. Anna was just saying that one of the regulars who gets a dosette box has died up at the court.’
Fraser came through the shop and removing his suit jacket, hung it behind the door at the back of the shop. He replaced it with a freshly laundered white coat. ‘Who was it?’ he asked with some interest, for despite working in the job only four months, he already knew the customers, and especially those elderly patients who required a box of weekly prescriptions to be made up so that they would receive the correct dosage.
‘Mrs Gregory,’ Anna replied. ‘Expected, I believe.’
Fraser shook his head and tutted. He moved around the desk and began to leaf through the pile of prescription papers waiting to be made up. A certain one caught his eye and he sighed, shifting his spectacles further up his nose. They were out of olanzapine and would have to order more before he saw to that one.
As the years passed, Fraser had gained a reputation for being a rather detached, but undoubtedly talented, pharmacist. With experience and skill, he now afforded some significant respect from those he worked with, and if a doctor was to telephone the dispensary in which he worked, he would almost always impress them with his knowledge of the patients and his memory for the medication they took.
Only the other morning, Dr Longmuir, a scatty, old GP from the local practice, had phoned through to explain an error in one of his prescriptions. Fraser had of course already spotted and corrected the mistake. It happened all the time. These doctors, having attended five long years at medical-school, seemed to be increasingly less able to understand the intricacies of pharmacology. The number of simple errors that he had to modify on their behalf was unbelievable. The buck, after all, stopped with the dispensing chemist and not them, so if a patient died of an overdose that they had prescribed, he might get the chop also.
Fraser reached up to the shelf and found the preparation he was looking for. Opening the box, he carefully counted out the correct number of tablets and printed a label with instructions for administration. He smiled to himself. It was not a medication he personally rated, but doctors were stuck in their ways. If they kept up to date with the advances, just as he did, they might well find themselves in a better position. Recognising that despite his youth, he was becoming more jaded, Fraser shook his head.
Sarah came through at that moment and he nodded to the girl.
‘I’ll be seeing to the methadone measures later, Sarah,’ he said, catching her eye. ‘I meant to say to you earlier that I had noticed your care in dealing with the schedule three drugs this last week. I saw your attention to detail and was very pleased with the way you double-checked with me.’ Fraser paused deliberately to allow the young pharmacy assistant to absorb the compliment fully. ‘That kind of consideration in this job does not go unnoticed. I wanted you to know.’
Sarah thanked her supervisor. Quietly, Fraser continued with his work. He had studied long and hard to achieve this position and was now quite settled in the comfortable setting of Glainkirk, a small market town in the Scottish Borders. As he went about his business that morning, he reflected on how fortunate he had been.
After finishing his degree, Fraser had originally chosen hospital pharmacy as a specialty, but the work had proved hard and unrewarding. The rigour of enforced deadlines, added to the
sheer volume of work, resulted in a somewhat unhappy and lonely spell. Fraser found that he hated being treated as a subsidiary. Within the vast hospital, he was all but a number on a timesheet.
In an attempt to console himself, and inexpert at dealing with a substantial pay-cheque, having only recently qualified, Fraser resorted to lavishing his earnings on things to cheer his empty life. A new watch, an expensive jacket, and so on. He dated one of the student nurses briefly and took her out for dinner and impressed her with his intelligent repartee and extravagant lifestyle. Despite appearances though, inside, Fraser felt quite lost.
When during this difficult year, Fraser received the news that his father had unexpectedly died of a heart attack, the young pharmacist returned home briefly. He found his mother pale, frightened and naturally distraught, but more shocking was still to come, for it seemed his father had been living for some time far outwith his means.
Fraser had assumed that financially, both he and his widowed mother would be quite secure. On a hard day at the hospital, he had even found himself considering how he might deal with his inheritance and had rejoiced in the fact that he might be quite comfortable from now on. However, as it turned out, after several months of wrangling, the family home was sold to pay off debts and Fraser was left with next to nothing and his mother only a small allowance. In many ways, this moment was a defining one. Having seen the hash his father had made of his own affairs, Fraser was bitterly determined to propel himself forward, out of the drudgery of his past.
It was during this spell, having failed to gain sufficient results to elevate his mood through alcohol alone, that Fraser first experimented with prescription medication. It was by no means difficult to procure. A small quantity of a low-dose opiate-based tablet was simple to come by as he was handling them regularly enough. During lunch break was the safest time to perform the sleight of hand. The first pill he ingested was whilst still at work, and he was surprised to find that for the remainder of the day his mood was significantly raised, so-much-so, that he invited one of the sonographers in the corridor out for drinks, an impulsive and unprecedented move for him. Having enjoyed the positive results the once, Fraser stole, not regularly, or sufficiently to become addicted, but frequently enough to see him through the rest of that month.