“Let’s walk down to the loch.” I stepped forward, offering my hand.
Jed frowned at it.
“It’s not far. And let’s get moving as soon as we’re back. Everyone get ready to go. We’ll find a campground and eat dinner, then try the coast in the morning.”
I had to take Jed’s hand before he walked with me, stiff but unresisting, down through the glen to the bank of the loch.
Chapter 14
We stayed in plain view of the pack, but eventually out of earshot.
“I’m sorry about everything that’s been going on,” I said once we reached the shore and I let him go to walk up to the rocky edge of clear water. I paused, struck by the world below, all that lived in there that we could never see, knowing only the glaring surface, the glittering blaze.
I sat on the dried rocks to toss in stones. I’d been able to skip stones pretty well as a girl. Melanie was hopeless at it. I’d found a little Frisbee flick and a flat enough stone could do the job. Now I only tossed out an occasional pebble to watch the ripples spread: the consequences of one touch gradually taking over a whole world of water.
“All of this change and fear and unrest in the first place… Lately Isaac and having to split up, you two being trapped in England while we were trapped in France, your homes, your families…” I tossed another stone, then crossed my arms on my drawn up knees to watch.
Jed stood several feet to the side, watching me warily. Still. He didn’t look angry. He looked scared. Waiting for another attack.
“We need to unwind out here, don’t we?” I squinted across the water.
“We need to find these people and do our jobs,” Jed muttered, just as tense, as if this were all part of the trap I was setting.
“We know that. We can take that part for granted. Isn’t it funny, though, how life goes on? How you can mean to rob a grave in Germany and you end up battling vampires in Yorkshire? How you can go in after a murderer and find yourself in love with six people at once? How you can be walking home from a conference one minute and down the rabbit hole the next with your life changed, never to be the same?”
I looked around abruptly, shielding my eyes with my hand from both the low sun over the peaks and blistering glare off water. “Why didn’t you talk Kage out of kidnapping me? You said you knew it was a crazy idea.”
Jed took a step back at the accusation. “I told him he was daft.”
“Is that all? You didn’t offer other ideas? Take any initiative yourself? You just went along? No matter that someone could have been hurt?”
“Didn’t want to hurt you—” Not meeting my eyes.
“But you did. You were a couple of thugs. I was bruised for a week. Just because you had to go along with the assignment didn’t mean Kage had to be silver, did it?”
He didn’t answer.
“It’s also funny how days pass—and weeks, years—and people learn from the past and they grow and change and sometimes, if we’re really, really lucky, sometimes we’re even reborn. Sometimes we grow so much that after a year or a whole lifetime, we might be justified to call ourselves wise.”
I tossed another stone and watched the ripples.
Jed remained silent.
“What would you do now?” I asked. “Say I was … having dinner with Andrew, and Kage wanted a joke and he said, ‘Let’s throw a bag around Cassia’s head when she comes out of there in the dark. You grab Andrew, I’ll grab her and throw her in the back of the Jeep, gagged and blindfolded.’ What would you do?”
I squinted around at him again, hand by my eyes.
Jed was apparently waiting for me to lose interest in the question.
At last, “Bite him.” He looked away. “Punch him if I had to.”
“What about Kage? Think he would pull something like that now? On me, or even on a stranger?”
Jed shrugged, looking down at the shore. He scuffed stones with the toe of his boot, then watched ripples when I tossed another pebble.
“I don’t think he would. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To learn, to fall so we can get up, to grow so we can be stronger, for ourselves and for others. Hopefully, to reach something like wisdom—not because of what we have accomplished, but because of what we have learned.”
I sighed, watching ripples as well. “I sound like my grandmother. But she’s the biggest reason I wanted to become a teacher. So … maybe that’s okay.” I looked up to him.
Jed, who had inched a couple steps nearer, met my eyes.
“Maybe that was the biggest thing I learned from her: who I was and wanted to become. Then I met all of you and that process began again. Now you all are my teachers. You all are this next phase of my life. I pray you will always be a part of it. The thing is … we can’t guarantee that, can we? Our parents, our mates, brothers and sisters, our grandparents and best friends, sometimes even our own children, might leave this life before we do.”
I paused and Jed looked at his motorcycle boots.
“I’m so sorry, Jed. About the loss of your parents, how your pack has treated you because you’re a stranger. About your guilt and the rifts between you and your brothers, and this thing with Kage and Jason that has never let any of you rest. I’m sorry. But it’s your journey. I don’t know what it is you’re meant to learn from this conflict and battle with Jason that has really been over for how long? Since they killed your father, right? Years—”
Jed took another step, voice sharp again. “It’s never been over. He’s always having a laugh at me. He and Andrew play tricks on me. In fur he’ll crowd or steal just so I’ll have a go back at him and Kage will protect him.”
“No, I know. I meant the deadly battle. The really bad fights with the three of you. And Jason baiting you, trying to get you in the cuff or even executed by the pack for crossing too many lines. How long since all of that stopped?”
Jed shrugged and turned away, pacing a little circle. “Sure, that’s been years. But he realized he’d got Kage well and truly away from me and laid off after a while. Took him long enough even then. Doesn’t matter. You can’t appreciate what he’s like. He charmed you right from the start like he charms everyone, which is how he gets away with all the sharp ice and being a black star. He’s never even been in lockdown.”
“‘What he’s like’ is some of my point, Jed.”
He looked at me.
“Would you mind sitting down? I’m having a hard time seeing you with the light.”
He sat and I lowered my hand, crossing my arms on my knees once more.
“Maybe I don’t appreciate what he’s like, or has been like. Who can, really? Probably Andrew comes the closest. Jason may be one of the most complex people I’ve ever known. But I have a good idea. He’s smart and he’s resourceful, completely devoted to Kage. He’s terribly insecure and needs proof from Kage that Kage feels the same attachment. Proof like Kage turning on his best friend for Jason’s sake. Or like manipulating and leading Kage around by the nose while Kage takes anything from him and asks for more. Without danger in his relationships Kage would get bored anyway. Jason craves attention, being looked after, feeling safe. He’s too high-strung and neurotic to feel safe much of the time, but he does with Kage.
“Yes, he’s a good liar. He’s a dark star. He could charm the stripes off a zebra. He also looks after his own; passionately, protecting what is dear to him by whatever means he can imagine. Sometimes that includes doing dangerous things. He has tunnel vision when it comes to getting what he wants and protecting what he loves.
“Jason has brought so much to this mission. He’s had a go at me too. I know that. I’m just saying … think about how long it’s been. Think, just for a moment, just pretend, that maybe he’s changed. That he can still be an ass and play tricks on you, but he wouldn’t take it farther than that. Just pretend that maybe … he doesn’t really want to hurt you anymore.
“What he said to you in Ambleside, about you wanting to kill Kage? He knew that was a long time ago.
He was speaking in anger. He didn’t really think he would leave and you would give Kage an overdose.
“Did you really think he was coming to attack you when he ran up on you just now? Do you honestly now think he’s lying to get everyone’s sympathy, and if you hadn’t turned first he would have plowed you?”
Jed squinted at the water, arms on his knees like mine, copper-colored skin and curly black hair shining in the light as well. The motorcycle pants and boots were black as his hair and stubble on his face. He looked like he’d come down here for a broody, glaring photo shoot.
“Jed?” I continued after a while when it was clear he wasn’t making any leaps. “He told me about how he baited you and tried to get you in trouble even after he had Kage. He was afraid of you. Mostly afraid of you taking what he loved. He’s sorry about it now—certain things he did. He thought he was dying when he told me this. He could have talked about anything, or nothing. But he told me he was sorry and to thank you for looking out for Kage when we had to separate.
“Sometimes, when we’re scared and hurting it makes us angry, even dangerous. Human and wolf. You know that.” I reached to the full length of my arm to touch his hand. Jed slowly unbent to hold mine, allowing them to rest on the pebbles between us.
I squeezed his powerful hand, callused from years of leather tools. “I don’t blame you for how you feel. It’s only … the fighting. We’ve come so far, then…” I shook my head, rubbing my thumb on his skin.
Jed opened his mouth, looking at our connected hands. He swallowed. “It’s not… It doesn’t…” He clenched and unclenched his jaw and said no more.
Silence went on for a minute or two. The others were waiting. We needed to figure out whatever we were doing for the night before dark, and get everyone fed—always good for soothing tensions in the pack.
“Jed?” I waited for him to meet my eyes. “You didn’t start all the hell-raising with Kage, did you? Kage did? Him and your dad?”
Jed looked away. “I didn’t even drink. Not really. Made me sick. Got into some other sterk but—” Shaking his head. “I just wanted to run—get out, get away, hunt, tear something up, sing, be … free. The fighting… You’re fighting a chain in the pack… You’re fighting because you can’t run. You can’t sing. You can’t be free.”
Again I thought of Martha in Germany. Savage because he is kept on a chain? Hadn’t she said something like that after no more than a brief meeting with Jed? The two Scorpio brothers who so concerned me, who I’d known the moment I’d learned about their signs might be out of my depth. Astrology didn’t define us. So many things built each of us. Yet, here it was. Those chains and emotional depths, birth, transformation, death, need for balance and understanding…
Goddess, I wished I could see Martha again. I wished she were here right now to take my hand along with theirs.
“You two got into a lot of trouble, didn’t you? And had some good times? Really good hunts? Some explosions along the way, but the best times of your youth also. Maybe your whole life? Or was that with the Beech Pack?”
Jed looked at me quickly and away, hand tightening with his own returned tension.
“What?”
“None of those.” A mumble.
“No? What was the best time you’ve ever had?”
He pulled his hand away, crossing his arms on his knees again.
“Jed?”
Nothing.
“We’ve got to go back. I just thought you should know … those good times, and bad times between you all, were long ago. Even Jason knows that. Even Jason was able to admit he took things too far, that he was wrong.” I turned onto my knees to get up, first facing him. “And Jed? Kage misses hunting with you almost as much as you miss him. That’s what I think, anyway.”
I stood. Jed scrambled to his feet after me.
I had already taken several steps when he spoke behind me. “You never … do anything.”
“What?” I turned, once more having to squint.
“You never … you’re silver. No matter what I do… I bit Zar in skin in Germany and you didn’t even make me stay behind. Right from the start. Why?”
“I’m not sure I understand the question… You mean, why don’t I try to impose some sort of punishment on you because I’m supposed to be in charge?”
He just watched me.
“I don’t want you to be punished, Jed. Sometimes I react in anger, or fight fire with fire on instinct, like anyone else might when not at their best. I’m sorry for times I’ve lashed out at you. But I’ve never wanted to ‘punish’ you, or anyone else, for anything. I don’t want you on lockdown or in the cuff or to lose privileges or take forty lashes.”
I opened my hands. “I want you to stop doing this stuff. To not bite anyone in skin. Not overreact if Jason tries to get a rise out of you by picking up your wool ball. Not out your packmates about anything damaging in public. Not take out your pent up fear and grief and anger on any one of us by a vicious attack that you justify in your mind as having been provoked.
“I don’t want you to suffer in return. I want you to think and decide that you don’t want to do those things anymore. That’s the only way you will ever stop doing them. That’s why I’m so tedious and such a bore talking to you about your life and feelings—as if I know even two percent of what you’ve been through and what you feel. I just hope you’ll think about it, Jed. You’re not the same wolf I met in July. And I pray I’m not the same woman either.”
We only looked at each other for a moment. The sun was even lower.
I finally added, “If you truly think of me as silver, as the sort of person who would say to you, ‘You’re going in lockdown for a week because of what you did,’ and you would obey that, why don’t you ever turn to me for answers? Instead of biting first and sulking later, you could come to me and say you’re so angry you want to kill someone, and we could work something out. A game of fetch would burn energy and stress. Me telling Jason to leave you alone and not run so close would help. And I don’t mean like a mommy-police thing. I mean like a bunch of people doing their best to work together when they don’t all get along well and everyone needs to be there for the others. If you need support you can come to me. I don’t know if I can help, but isn’t it worth a try? Maybe even talking to your brothers also? Of course you’re all dealing with the death of your mom in different ways, but you’re still all grieving. You have a lot more in common with both of them than you’re giving them credit for.”
We started up the slope toward the Jeep.
I waited, offering my hand, but Jed, already trailing, stopped again. I looked around.
He was staring at his boots.
“What is it?” I asked quietly. “We need to get going.”
“Wyoming,” he murmured.
“Sorry?”
Jed glanced up. “Wyoming… Hunting like a total wolf, singing old wolf songs, having a mate … a real pack… That was the best time.”
I nodded, couldn’t speak, and held my hand out until he finally took it, still managing to trail behind as we walked. This time, though, I was glad since I was able to brush away tear tracks with my free hand before we reached the others.
Chapter 15
Only Gabriel and I seemed to miss electricity as they cooked burgers over a grill at the campground and cracked open watermelons. Our day had been meandering and we didn’t actually make it to any standing stones, or even the north coast. Tomorrow we would scrutinize likely places, then knock on more casters’ doors to ask about Calum and Frim if we could. Now darkness was settling as the campers inhaled dinner.
Jed didn’t eat, lurking away from everyone else. We’d parked far removed from any humans, though had to mingle slightly to heat our meal. Even I gulped a burger and dill pickles before heading quickly back with the rest to our secluded spot while munching an apple. I carried two rare burgers.
It was a lonely place overall, for backpackers and families longing to give the kids a taste of the
wilderness for a night or two before heading home to thermostats and showers. Green yet stark with the treeless hills and a flat, gray sunset while more storm clouds rolled in. Still, it did not rain as we gathered before bed, passing around the bag of apples and watermelon chunks.
Dark enough for flashlights now, removed from neighbors, so I told Jed he could change.
Kage argued vehemently with Andrew about the best types of melons—Andrew preferred honeydew. The tone of his arguing had dramatically changed since yesterday. Jason and Isaac put away the dinner things. Zar and Gabriel, both silent, finished with the tent assembly and rain cover while Jed crept into it so he could leave his clothes there.
I needed to move my own things from Jeep to trailer, but leaned on the back passenger seat, door open, waiting for Jed with my burger handfuls. I had to hold one out to get his attention when he emerged. Why did he think I’d brought them? Midnight snack?
He padded over, yet still regarded them suspiciously by the Wrangler’s ceiling light, turning his nose away.
“No snatching food from a silver?” I asked. “You’re not being punished, Jed. You’re not on lockdown, or sentenced to anything else one might care to name. If you’d eaten with the rest of us you’d have had more.”
He finally stepped closer to sniff, still for all the world appearing indifferent, as if doing me a personal favor.
Sniff, consider juicy, mostly raw meat, gooey cheese, soft bun: meditate. He looked away.
“Jed.” I glared at him. “Did I hurt your feelings?”
He glanced up, those flecked eyes narrowing in his dark face.
“Well, I don’t know then. I brought these for you. They’re your dinner—snack,” I added since no one else around here besides Gabriel considered a mere two burgers to be a proper dinner.
He wagged his tail a little. It seemed he really had thought I’d brought extra back here for my own nibbles.
Moonlight Magic: A Reverse Harem Shifter Romance (The Witch and the Wolf Pack Book 9) Page 9