by M. Piper
“Well, for starters an alcoholic, but that’s a different conversation I don’t have time for tonight. We really need this date night, but I’m not leaving him with you if you can’t handle it.”
“I’m hurt you think that low of me, Lincoln. I got this. I haven’t had a drink at all today,” I lie. The alcohol from this morning was nothing and wore off within minutes of drinking it. It takes a lot to get me smashed anymore. “I appreciate you looking out for your son, but I’m serious I haven’t had a drink today. It’s all good. Promise.”
He pauses, hearing the locking doors of the car out front when the horn beeps and clenches his jaw.
“It’s getting worse, Ford. You need to knock this shit off.”
“Bull. Shit.” I huff. “Go out and have a fantastic evening. I’ll be here, sober, when you get back to pick him up.” I turn to head outside.
“Hey,” he stops me, gripping my arm. I glare down at it and slowly move my glare up to him.
“You trying to start a fight tonight, Bro? You’re old. I could kick your ass.”
I probably wouldn’t kick his ass, but sometimes I want to.
“We just worry about you. That’s all.” His eyes hold too much pity. I fucking hate pity.
“I’m fine, Linc. It’s been years. I’m completely fine,” I lie again and paste on that smile they buy every time.
He nods and drops his hand from my arm.
“You’d talk to me if you weren’t?”
“Absolutely. Always.” I smile as Wren walks back into the room.
“Your phone wasn’t out there, babe. You sure it’s not on you?” She furrows her brows at Lincoln and he shoves his hand in his pocket.
“Huh, yea it’s here. I thought I didn’t feel it earlier.” He winks at her. “Thank you, Ford. Call us if you need anything.”
I salute him and lock the front door after they walk through it, then head out back to join Carter and Yellow. Nights like tonight, where we can play in the back yard until bedtime, are coming to an end for the year. As it is, we’ve had to make a fire in the fire pit and of course, break out the s’mores, just to stay warm out here.
Carter’s an amazing kid and the older he gets the more I see his personality shine through. He’s always had that goofy personality, but now he’s got the brains to go with it. It’s almost evil genius level, and with him starting school shortly I feel bad for his teachers.
I snap a selfie of us eating our s’mores and send it to Lincoln, rolling my eyes at my brother. He’s ‘looking out for me’ while treating me like a goddamned kid. He hasn’t gone through what I did. He doesn’t understand. No one does.
Lincoln: Fun. Sugar late at night again.
Me: Stop being so old. He’s fine. It’s only nine, anyway.
Lincoln: I’m glad he’s having fun.
The picture is an adorable picture. Too adorable.
I toss it in a text to Mackenzie and hit send.
Me: S’mores. They’re okay, but your creations are better.
I shove my phone back into my pocket and send Carter inside to get cleaned up and change into his pajamas while I clean up from our evening. It’s amazing how fast nights with him go. When I lived with Lincoln, I never understood why he was so tired by the end of the night, but now I do. This kid’s busy!
I hear my phone ding on my walk inside with a handful of shit, so after I dump it all in the sink, I grab my phone and grin at the text waiting for me.
Mack: O.M.G. HE’S ADORABLE!
I roll my eyes, grinning and hitting the call button.
“I love his little face!” she squeals into the phone immediately.
“There were two people in that picture, Mack.” I walk back into the spare room where Carter’s dancing into his pants as he’s trying to get dressed on his own. I wave him over to me, laughing, and help him.
“There were, but he’s so cute!”
“Hey, I’m cute!” I boast, standing. “Carter, tell her I’m cute.” I hold the phone out on speakerphone and he laughs.
“Uncle Ford’s old!” He screams, then runs out of the room on a fit of laughter.
Mackenzie’s laughing and I smile.
“Har. Har. He’s a funny guy,” I scoff.
“Smart kid.” She keeps laughing.
“He is. He’s pretty awesome. How was your evening?” I follow Carter to the living room and turn on an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates, then head to the kitchen.
“Long. Got a lot of work done but I’m beat.” She sighs into the phone and I smile. I could sit here and listen to her talk all night and not get bored. Hell, grab the fucking phone book and read me numbers. She’s better than any phone sex operator.
“That’s good, right?” I kick my feet up onto the table and position myself so I can see Carter on the couch, lying down while watching the show.
“It is. You two have a good evening?”
“Amazing. This little man’s brilliant.” I smile as I notice his eyes fluttering closed. “He’s falling asleep finally,” I whisper and Mackenzie giggles.
“I wish I could meet him,” she says, then falls silent and my heart swells. I take a breath, forcing out the guilt and pull my feet back to the ground.
“You should. Next weekend we’re having a big family dinner before my parents leave for vacation. You should join me.”
“Oh um…” she pauses and I stand, heading to the fridge. It’s instinct to have a beer if I’m home. Instinct to have three or four…or seven. But then I remember the little man on the couch and opt for a glass of orange juice instead. I don’t need the alcohol tonight. I’m talking to Mackenzie. She’s my much healthier aversion to the pain.
“You don’t have to. It was just a thought.” I try not to sound too hurt that she obviously doesn’t want to meet the family.
“I want to!” she blurts. “I’m just worried this is all moving so fast, Ford.”
“Nothing’s wrong with fast, Mackenzie. Not if it all feels right.”
“Does it feel right for you?” she whispers and I smile.
“Yeah. Yeah it does.” My voice is low and when the words fall from my lips a sharp panic flies through my gut. I puff out air and stare at the ground.
“I thought so too,” I hear her whisper, but my world is moving in slow motion as I realize that it’s really happening. The pain isn’t there. The guilt is subsiding. I still miss her like crazy, I still feel guilty for what happened, and I still hurt. But it’s not the hurt that I’m used to. It’s a small ache compared to massive fractures.
“You’re my glue,” I whisper, realizing I was right. She’s my glue.
“What?”
I shake my head. “I have to tell you something, but I don’t want to do it over the phone. What’re you doing tomorrow night?” I blurt. She’s my glue. She’s going to put me back together. But she can’t do that if she doesn’t know.
“Um…nothing? Ford, you’re scaring me.”
“Don’t be scared. It’s all good. I just… I have to go. I’ll come over after work tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Have a good night.” Her voice sounds so concerned and I hate myself for doing that to her, but I can’t tell her my life story over the phone like that. Not when you have a story like mine.
I end the call and stare at my phone.
What did I just do?
I take a drink of orange juice and sit back at the table, pinning my eyes on the sleeping kid on my couch and try to picture this house full of a family. Mackenzie pregnant and barefoot, feet propped on the couch while I chase a miniature version of her around the house. I wonder if our kids would have her eyes. They should.
I’ve never allowed myself to think of having a future since Caroline died, but here I am and it’s not making me sick to my stomach with pain.
When Lincoln and Wren pick up Carter, I hold back Lincoln while Wren loads their son into the car.
“Everything okay?” He looks concerned, a look he’s been wearing m
ore often than not when he talks to me. He’s my big brother, he shouldn’t live his life worried about me.
I nod, not really knowing how to say the words inside me, so I blurt them out all at once.
“I think I’m seriously in love with Mackenzie, and I feel horrible that I don’t feel as guilty about it as I should.” I run my hands over my head and clasp them at the back of my neck, staring at the floor and cursing.
“You’re that serious, huh?” My brother says. I move my eyes to him and he’s smirking at me. “Why the hell should you feel guilty over that, Ford?”
“Because it means I’m moving on from Caroline. It means that love I had for her is now being given to Mack.”
“Ford… Caroline’s not coming back.” He says it so simply and my gut churns.
“I know that,” I whisper.
“So don’t you think she’d want you to move on? What’s the point in being in love with a dead girl?”
His words are like a sucker punch to the gut. I don’t talk to him much about this stuff. Every year on the anniversary of her death, he’s always been the one I drink with. He’s always there for me, but he’s never used such harsh words before. I glare at him for a moment and there’s not a joking bone in his body right now.
“I’m not in love with her, but I still love her.”
“Okay that’s great. Love doesn’t just stop when someone dies, but you’re yearning for something you can’t have, when you have something right in front of you that’s perfect for you…why?”
“What if I forget about her?” I whisper, then the door opens.
Wren walks into the house and looks between the two of us. She must sense the tension in the air because she rests her hand on Lincoln’s shoulder and looks at me through sad eyes.
“I’ll wait in the car,” she whispers, closing the door behind her. Lincoln sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets.
“You’re never going to forget her, Ford. What you two had was more than most people find in their lifetime. You don’t just forget that. But you can’t hold on to it like you have been.”
“It still hurts,” I mutter.
“I know.” He pats my shoulder, gripping onto it and staring into my face. “But you’ve got a second chance at that once in a lifetime love with Mackenzie, little brother. You gonna sit back, panicked and guilty for moving on? Or are you finally going to accept it’s okay to live a normal life? A normal life that you deserve?”
I don’t deserve it, though. Her death is my fault.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Thanks, man. Sorry for taking your time.”
“I told you I’m here for you. You just need to open up more. None of us can help you if you won’t help yourself, Ford.”
I nod and he opens the door. “See ya at work tomorrow?”
“Absolutely.”
I watch them drive away and yearn for what they have. The happy family. Sure, they have their own drama. No relationship is perfect.
I want Mack and I to have that. I think we have a shot, I’ve seen the way she looks at me. It’s not just a fling. She feels just as much as I do. I’m just scared to death to tell her about Caroline. I haven’t opened up to someone like I’m going to open up to Mackenzie ever. Not even to Gram.
I stare at the fridge for a moment, realizing I can finally pop open a beer…but I don’t want to. I turn, head for the shower, then pass out in bed worried what tomorrow brings.
“Hi, Mom,” I answer the phone with a sigh, because as much as I love talking to my mother I really don’t have time for this right now. It’s the busiest Monday afternoon we’ve ever had and of course it happens on the day I need to get home and straighten up before Ford comes over tonight.
“Hey, baby girl. When are you coming home next? Your grandmother misses you,” she chides and I roll my eyes, happy she can’t see me.
“I told you Mom, I can’t just up and close shop. Maybe over the holidays, maybe, but that’s a pretty busy time for us here.”
“Well you can’t just ignore your family. We’ll pay for your airplane ticket back home. We barely know you anymore, Mackenzie. We miss you.”
I press my hand to my eyes and take a deep breath. When I moved here I had plenty of fights with my parents about this being the right move. About me doing the best thing for myself; for my life. Now, all I have going for me is the shop.
“I’ll plan some time Mom,” I mutter, handing the customer in front of me the bag of cookies he ordered. “Thank you, have a great day,” I tell him, then nod to Jules to man the counter while I finish this phone call.
Shutting the office door, I fall into my chair, exhausted.
“Bring Eric with you, will you? You two are family, you know.”
I cringe and realize I haven’t even told my mom about him. It’s been long enough that I should have but I didn’t want to give her any more ammo to try to get me home. Sadly, I feel more at home here in the middle of Illinois than I ever did in Florida.
“Uh… We broke up, mom,” I mutter. I’m met with silence and pray the phone disconnected but I know that’s not the case.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers and my heart breaks. Not because we’re broken up. I’m well over that. But because of the guilt I feel for not telling my mom. When I lived in Florida my mom and I were really close. We had a falling out when I decided to move away, but I think that’s only because I’m an only child and she didn’t want her only kid living so far away. So obviously, since I’ve been here our relationship has been strained to say the least.
My parents are awesome, really. I’m a lucky girl to have parents still married and still in love with each other. I’m lucky to have them support me in everything I do. When I opened the bakery in Florida my dad was there every single day helping with the construction. My mom helped spread the word about it. When I won Cake Wars, they were right there in the studio with me, celebrated with me, bragged about me to everyone they could. When I moved, my mom and my relationship was strained and my dad…well we text daily but nothing of importance. I can tell he wants me to come home but he’ll never tell me outright. Especially since he’s the one out of the two of them who knows how hard I’ve worked to make something of the bakery here.
“I’ve been busy,” I say. “You want to hear something crazy about it?”
“Yes,” she blurts, and I grin. My mom and I used to gossip all the time. This will give her something to gossip to her friends about.
“He’s married. And has two very cute kids.”
“What! Mackenzie Nichole Mueller you were dating a married man?” She screams and I laugh, realizing this is the first time since it’s happened that I’ve laughed about it and not turned into a raging hulk mess.
“Yeah. That’s why he was always traveling. Why he moved me here. I had no fucking clue, Mom. No clue. His family’s house is a couple blocks from mine.”
“Oh my God, did his wife find out? Does everyone there hate you now? Do you need to come home? You should move home. Away from all that.”
“Mom, no,” I laugh. “His wife never found out about it. I broke it off the minute I realized the truth about him. Randomly, we ran into each other at the mall. He was there with his whole family. I had no clue whatsoever, so I broke it off and now he’s dating someone new.”
“Good Lord,” mom whispers in shock. “Are you okay?”
I smile.
“I’m more than okay mom. I’ve met someone actually.”
“Already?” she blurts and I laugh.
“Eric and I broke up a while ago. And this kind of happened out of nowhere.” I bite my lip.
“I just don’t know about you anymore, Mackenzie. You don’t think it’s too soon?” Her words bring back what Ford said to me yesterday. A smile curves my lips because no, I don’t think it’s too soon, but before I can respond I hear a commotion at the front of the store.
“Mom Jules needs me, I gotta go. I’ll call you later, okay?” I blurt, ending the call before sh
e can respond. I storm to the front of the bakery to see Eric standing there, red faced.
“You will let me back there!” he blurts. “I could own this place!” He’s screaming at Jules who’s standing there with her arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and a scattering of patrons watching with wide eyes.
“Eric,” I snap. “What the hell’s going on?”
“I need to talk to you.” His eyes are bloodshot and he looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
“You need to calm down.” I look around the room and realize I need to get him out of here before he says or does something stupid in front of these people.
“I just need to talk to you and she’s not letting me back there. That’s all. I just want to talk to you, Mackenzie,” he says, his tone lowering and his eyes softening. I can’t believe I used to fall for this. He’s good looking, yeah, but the devil comes in all shapes and sizes.
I puff and throw my hands to my hips. “You have two minutes then I need to leave. Two minutes. That’s it.” I walk back to the office and he’s on my tail.
When we’re in the office, I turn around to him slamming the door and he’s on me. His hands grip my hips and his mouth slams into mine and after the shock of what he’s doing wears off I have just enough strength in me to shove his face away but it doesn’t stop him.
“What the fuck, Eric!” I shriek, pushing him away but he doesn’t stop and he smells like alcohol.
“Just once more, Zie,” he murmurs, his hands gripping onto my arms to stop my assault. I use every muscle in my body to try to shove him off me. He’s got me pressed against the wall, the strength in his body too much for me to wrestle out from, and when his lips slam into mine again the only thing I can do is bite. Hard.
He bellows, rearing his head back but not letting go of my hips.
“Get the fuck off me!” I scream, hoping someone out front hears me though I doubt it.
Eric’s eyes shine in anger I’ve never seen before, and when he grips my cheeks in his hand, hard, pitching my face up to his, my office door flies open and slams into the wall.
“Mackenzie!” Ford screams and Eric drops his weight off me, stepping back and grinning at me before turning to face Ford.