by M. Piper
“Well… You just tried firing the weekend manager of the boutique. Reagan’s about to storm in here and beat you to a pulp so I thought I’d try and level out the situation before that happens.” He narrows his eyes at me and walks into the room, sitting in the oversized chair in the corner. “So you wanna talk about it or should I start?”
“He’s probably stealing from her anyway,” I grumble. “Twerp walked into this place today like he owned it. It pissed me off, okay? Don’t walk into the banquet hall when all you do is sell souvenirs and trinkets in the basement, pretending to be all high and fuckin’ mighty.” I toss a wad of paper at the trashcan and it misses. “Shit.”
Lincoln lets out a laugh, stretching out in the seat. “I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just insist that all Reagan does is sell trinkets.” He clears his throat. “Maybe you should take the rest of the week off?”
I glare at him.
“It’s Monday. I’m not taking the rest of the week off.” I shove a few papers into my drawer blindly, at the point in my day when all I can think about is tomorrow and it pisses me off because I have the best girl in the world and a baby on the way. There’s no need for this mood today.
Lincoln nods slowly and I watch him stand and walk over to my desk.
“Tomorrow’s a big day, Ford. You can take the day off if you need. Head to the cemetery. Visit her parents. It’s been a while since you went up there.” His eyes hold all the emotions I’d rather not show right now. So I don’t. I push them away and let out a laugh.
“I’m not visiting my dead girl’s parents on the anniversary of her death, Linc. That’s just fuckin’ dumb. I told you I’m fine.” I smile bright for him and he relaxes a little. For being so close with my family, they really have no clue how many times I put on a show for them. How many times I’m not okay but tell them I am just to get them off my case.
“Okay. Well, if you need anything, just let me know. And uh… I think maybe you should apologize to Miguel.”
“Yeah, yeah. I will.” I stand from my desk and head to the water cooler. “Tomorrow. Let the little twerp sweat it out tonight.”
With a huff and a small chuckle, Lincoln leaves me alone in my office.
Finally.
I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I just want the day over with and I want to live in peace with my little family.
My phone dings in my pocket and I smile at the text from my sister.
Reag: You’re a fuckin’ jerk, Ford.
Me: That’s what big brothers are for, Reagan. Looking out for ya.
Reag: How about you let me do my job, the one I’m goddamned good at. You stick to telling people how to set a table, ok?
I chuckle to myself, because she’s feisty when she’s pissed and one day she’s going to find a guy who’s going to try to bring her down a few notches and I feel bad for the poor sap.
Me: Got it. Sorry for stepping on your ugly toes.
Reag: Fuck you
Me: Love you, little sis
Reag: Love you too, idiot
Laughing, I slide my phone back into my pocket and groan, stretching out some sore muscles. Tomorrow’s going to suck. Every year I go through this and every year it’s horrible, but I’m hoping with the turn my life’s taken this year it won’t be as bad as usual. I’m hopeful now that one day I can make it through this week without as much stress and sadness as it’s brought me in the past.
This weekend there are four parties in the banquet hall and while I’m thankful I have a very capable staff at my disposal so I don’t have to be here the entire time, I’m actually sad I don’t have to be here for them. I’m not typically, but all the parties involve Mackenzie and though I’d rather be at home with her, being here at work with her would be just as good. Usually the weeks following December fourth I drink until I don’t remember my name. It’s what I always did. If I didn’t, the days following Caroline’s death include funeral flashbacks, and that’s not something I want to relive. Alcohol used to help take away the pain. Mack’s all I need anymore.
Now I’m sitting here, angry at the world for no reason. I mean…there’s always that tiny reason. Guilt. It’s eating at me and it’s not until I glance at the clock realizing it’s twelve hours on the dot until the accident happened six years ago and think maybe Lincoln’s right.
My hand starts shaking as I put the car into gear. It’s been six years since I’ve been there, but I think it’s time I started making changes.
“Damn that rush was crazy!” Jules sings as she waltzes to the back of the bakery. “There’s no one here right now, you want me to go lock up?” Her finger jabs to the front of the shop and she grins, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Make it an early day?”
“No early day,” I blurt, trying not to look frazzled but Ford hasn’t texted me back all afternoon and I’m starting to get worried. I don’t want to be that girl, though. I can’t be the needy one. Or the territorial one. We’re not married, we don’t live together…yet… I’m just carrying his baby. Probably.
“You alright today?” She hops onto the counter and swipes up an extra bowl if icing, sliding her finger through it before licking it off.
“I’m fine, thank you.” I take a step back from the cupcake cake I’m creating and nod. “Definitely fine,” I mutter, going back to work. I’m not fine. I’m nervous. I’m nauseous. I want to eat every damn thing I’ve made today. Being pregnant and hormonal and hungry while inside a bakery is probably the worst thing for my sugar.
“Hey we’re going out to the bar tonight. You want to come with? Maybe bring Ford?” She grins and my eyes shoot up to her.
“I uh…” I can’t say yes because going bar hopping when I can’t drink won’t be any fun at all. My best friend’s grinning at me like I’ve lost my mind so I sigh, resigning to tell her the truth of the situation. I have to tell someone! “I can’t.”
“And why not?” Her eyes narrow at me and she slides off the counter, heading for a bottle of water.
“Uh…” I stammer. “I’m pregnant?” I whisper it so softly I think she doesn’t hear me but when I notice how she’s frozen in place, water bottle almost touching her lips and her eyes wide as day, I know she heard me loud and clear.
“Mackenzie…pregnant? You?” Her panicked eyes flick from my face to my stomach then back to my face. “Are you shitting me?”
“We took about twelve tests that were all positive. I still have to have my doctor’s appointment, but it’s set for next week s— oof—” I’m cut off when her arms wrap around me tightly.
“I’m going to be an aunt!” she shrieks. “A fucking aunt, Mack!”
I laugh, patting her back and holding onto her, because this is the reaction I wasn’t preparing myself for. I was ready for the lecture of being too young and the lecture of not being married first, but this is a welcome surprise.
“I mean I am an only child, so on my side at least this kid’s got no aunts.”
“I’m gonna be way better than any other aunt on the planet,” she chides, backing up and squealing. “I can’t believe you’re having a baby!” she screams suddenly, making me laugh even harder.
“Just don’t tell anyone yet, ok? We want to wait until after the doctor’s appointment and all.”
“My lips are sealed.” She zips her lips shut and the front counter bell dings. “I knew we should’ve closed early,” she says, winking.
“Closing early doesn’t pay the bills, Jules!” I call after her as she heads to the front of the store.
By the time three o’clock rolls around I still haven’t heard back from Ford and I’m starting to panic. I grab my phone and hit send to call his brother. Maybe he knows where he is.
“Hey Mackenzie, what’s up?” Lincoln answers.
“Have you seen Ford?” I blurt. “Sorry. I mean, hi Lincoln. Things are fine but I can’t get a hold of Ford and with tomorrow…well…you know. I’m worried.”
He chuckles and I hear him sigh.
>
“Mack, what do you know about tomorrow’s importance in Ford’s life?”
I roll my eyes.
“I know it’s the anniversary of his ex-girlfriend’s death. I know he blames himself. I know he’s gotta start to live life, Lincoln.” So that probably wasn’t the nicest way to phrase it, but it was either that or ‘shut the fuck up and tell me where he is.’ I care for Ford. I care for his feelings. But right now I just need to know where he is.
“So then you know how it devastated him? How he’s only been sober these past few months because of you. How he’s a lot weaker than he puts on when it comes to her? Did you know he hasn’t visited her grave in six years because he can’t bring himself to go back? Did you know when the accident happened he didn’t leave her hospital room for two full weeks? Or how he lost about thirty pounds and was on the verge of needing to be admitted to the hospital the weeks following her death because he refused to eat?”
“I…” I sigh, tears threatening. “I knew it was bad, but he’s never gone into details,” I whisper, sitting down at my desk. Just the thought of Ford being that depressed about it puts a lot into perspective. I always thought he was just a crazy, careless party animal but he was hiding demons he never fully explained to me. “He doesn’t talk to me about it much.”
“And he won’t. Ever. Because he can barely talk about it to his own brother without needing a few shots of whiskey. He’s my younger brother and over the last few years I’ve watched him almost throw everything away. He refused college. He refused a real job. My parents had to force him into what he’s doing now and luckily he’s good at it, but it wasn’t pretty.”
“I thought he loved the West House,” I whisper, shaking my head.
“He does now. It’s his life. But it hasn’t always been that way. Ford’s fragile. And this morning the man I saw was a ghost of the man he’s been these past few months. Tomorrow’s weighing heavy on him, Mackenzie.”
“What are you talking about? He left the house ecstatic this morning.”
“That’s not who I saw when he got here. Something happened. Something switched. That’s how Ford goes this time of year. Some switch is flipped and he retreats into the darkness, with his booze and pitch black rooms. We’ve all tried, but nothing helps…” he trails off and I blurt.
“No. I refuse to accept that. Where is he? Is he there now?”
“He left a couple hours ago.” The phone goes silent. “Do you really love him, Mackenzie?”
“I do, Lincoln.”
He lets the pause go on longer than I’d like. It’s unnerving, like he’s not telling me something. For as close as the West family is, none of them like to talk about this subject apparently.
“I’ll head over and pick you up. I think I know where he went.”
The call ends and I swipe at the tears that have slipped their way past my eyelids. I can’t believe that Ford would just retreat back to what he used to be like without even texting me. Without calling me. We have a system and this system works wonders for him. Sure, he probably should seek some type of medical help for the depression if it’s that bad, and AA is a place he could consider, but I really thought I was doing good for him. I refuse to believe that the man who Lincoln said he saw this morning is back.
“Jules,” I blurt, walking out front. She’s setting out some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and I swipe one up, shoving my purse onto my shoulder. “Something came up. I have to go. There’s shit I need to finish tonight so maybe I’ll come back but I… I gotta go.”
“Everything ok?”
“Fine. So fine.” I glance outside when Lincoln’s car pulls up. Gotta love the promptness of these West boys. “I’ll call you later.”
I run out to the car and Lincoln gives me a sad look when I buckle in.
“I’m sorry for the phone call. This time of year’s hard on everyone but I shouldn’t expect you to have known how bad he gets. And I shouldn’t have questioned your love for him. It’s evident in the way you two look at each other how much love there is.”
I want to yell at him for being as weird as his brother’s been today, but instead I give him a weak smile.
“I understand. You don’t want to see him hurt more than he already is. I get it, and in a way I appreciate it. I’ve never had the sibling connection with anyone before so I don’t understand it at times, but I know he’s lucky to have you two.”
He smiles over at me and the handsome brother of the man I’m in love with officially has won me over. I know he’s a good guy, I’ve known it this whole time, but I always felt like an outsider around him. I now know why. He’s just been afraid I was going to ruin Ford…again.
“I don’t know for sure if he’s here or not, but it only makes sense today.” He says, pulling off the road and into a small cemetery just on the outskirts of town. “He hasn’t been here since the funeral, but something tells me this year’s different.” He pulls to a stop and glances over at me, hope brightening his face. “I hope this year’s different, at least.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I do too.”
I see Ford before Lincoln stops the car. Leaning against a headstone, head hung and something in his fist I can only pray isn’t an empty bottle of alcohol.
“Shit,” I huff, bolting from the car as soon as Lincoln slows enough to get out. Slowing my steps as I get closer, Ford’s eyes never look up. I can’t even tell if he’s awake at this point.
I make it right in front of him and my eyes see what’s in his hands. A fucking whiskey bottle.
“Ford?” I whisper, dropping to my knees in front of him. He slowly glances up at me, his eyes wet with tears, and he lifts the bottle. It’s still sealed and my heart soars for this broken and hurting man.
“I didn’t do it, Mack.” His pained whisper cracks and he shakes his head. “I fucking bought it because it’s what I know…used to know at least. But I couldn’t do it. It doesn’t help anything.”
I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. My arms go around him and he cries into my shirt. His hands tug at me and I end up on his lap, wrapped around him, feeling all of his pain for him while he empties years of regret and hurt onto me.
I’ll take it. I’ll always take it for him.
I want to talk. I want to know what’s going on in his head. I want to kiss him and make everything go away, but there are no words I can say right now that will make this better. I can only hope that in the years to come, days like today become few and far between.
When he finally pulls away and wipes his face, he looks at me. Those green eyes sparkling and he cups my face gently with his hands.
“I love you, Mackenzie.” His voice is gravely with emotion and his eyes are searching mine for a return of that same love.
“I love you, Ford.” I push my lips to his lightly and rest my forehead on his. “I’m happy you came out here today.”
He lets out a breath of air and sits back, nodding. His hands resting on my thighs and when he finally speaks I hold my breath for what’s to come. I can only hope he starts to open up more to me.
“This is the first time since the funeral. I…shut down after it was all said and done. Then I couldn’t bring myself to be here without wanting to jump off a cliff. So I didn’t.”
I trace my fingers down his jawline as he contemplates his next words, staying silent and letting him spill whatever he wants. Whatever he can.
“I told her about you,” he says, then chuckles, that dimple making a grand entrance into my heart again. “Sounds insane, but it kind of helped. I mean, she’s not gonna answer, I know that. But… I don’t know, it just felt right.”
I nod, glancing at the bottle of whiskey on the grass next to us. I’m happy it’s still sealed, but just the fact that he stopped to buy it tells me we still have a long way to go.
“Ford, it’s not insane. You probably should’ve been coming here more often over the years. Maybe it would have helped.”
He nods then shifts a bit,
leaning against her headstone.
“I told her about the baby,” he finally says.
I smile. “That’s good. Did she throw you a baby shower?” I smirk and stand when he boasts out a laugh.
“Nah, but I’m sure Reagan will.”
“Jules wants in on it, too. She’s as close to a sister as I’ve ever had.”
“This baby’s gonna be so fucking loved.” He moves to his knees and presses his lips to my stomach, then rests his hands on my hips, nuzzling my stomach. “You’re already so loved, little nugget,” he whispers.
I’m so overcome with emotion that when the tears start to roll I don’t even know it’s happening until the first one falls and lands on his hand. His brows furrow and he looks up at me and in that moment, I know without a doubt in my mind I will spend the rest of my life with this man.
“Why are you crying?” He stands, cupping my face in his hands then snaking his fingers to the back of my head.
“You’re too good to be true, Ford. And this is so…” I groan, “so many hormones running through me,” I say, letting out a laugh and a shiver runs down my body as the cold winter wind blows. There’s no snow on the ground anymore but not until now did I realize how cold it is out here. I left in such a hurry, my mind set only on finding him, that I didn’t even grab my coat. He wraps his arms around me tight and kisses my forehead.
“Come on. Let’s get you home. I’ll make dinner tonight.”
He starts to walk me away but pauses, one last time to glance back at the headstone. I wait with him, giving him the time he needs. God, I’m so happy I gave him the time of day. I never would have met this amazingly strong man had I listened to the hate that Eric kept spewing about him. Looking back I know it was jealousy and worry, and I’m so happy that part of my life is over and I’m getting another chance at a happy ending with Ford.
“Grilled cheese?” he asks when we make it to his house. The snow’s starting and I hate that I still have to go back to work tonight.