by J. A. Little
“Why not?” he bellows.
“Because I said so.”
He stares at me for a minute and then laughs. “Yeah, whatever. If the guys down at the shop want to help me build a car, you don’t have any say over it.”
“Maybe not, but I do have the ability to say no to your driver’s license.”
“Why are you being such a dick about it? I thought you wanted me to be all independent and shit.”
“I do,” I say as calmly as possible. “But I also want you to be safe. Until I know that you can be, no car.”
I can hear Emily huffing beside me, but she’s given up on trying to pull me out of the room. I’m not budging.
“You know what? Fuck you. I’m gonna do what I want, and the second I turn eighteen, I’m outta here, and I’m never looking back.”
The instant the words are out of Logan’s mouth, I become aware of everyone else in the room. The faces are all wide-eyed and curious to see how this standoff will play out. All but one.
Matty.
His mouth is open, staring at his brother. Tears well in his eyes, and his lower lip begins to tremble. Before I can make a move, he bolts out of the room. Logan watches him go, frowning.
“Everybody out!” Emily orders. They all file out except Logan.
“Goddammit, Logan,” I groan.
“I didn’t do anything,” he protests angrily. “He’s being a big baby. He’s always been a big baby.”
“You know he’s afraid of losing you. Kayla just went over this with you, and then you essentially tell him that leaving him is exactly what you plan on doing.”
“Why is it always about him? Why can’t it be about me? Why do I always have to be the one to babysit? I’m not his fucking father, and I’m not his fucking guardian. You are!”
Logan’s hands clench, and I see his whole body begin to shake. He’s about to blow. They’ve all lost it at some point. Brayden’s explosion was the worst, but he was only thirteen, and Aiden was there to help me when his fists began slamming into anything they could. Logan’s bigger than me, and Emily is the only other adult here. I don’t know if I can hold him if he gets violent. I’m not going to put my brother’s wife in a position where she could get hurt, though.
“I went hungry, too,” he yells. “I got beat up worse than he did. My mother let some fucking asshole touch me so she could get a six-hour high. At least I saved him from that. The asshole wanted Matty, but I took his place because he was too little, and I didn’t want him to go through that. I deserve to fucking live for once without having to worry about what happens to him! I’m tired of it. All I want to do is move on. I want to turn eighteen, marry Claire, and just fucking be happy for once!”
Tears are rolling down his cheeks. He’s wiping at them furiously, to no avail. I’m stunned into silence. Emily appears in the doorway. Her face is white, her eyes watery. Obviously, she heard what he just confessed. Neither one of us knows what to do.
Logan leans against the wall, and then slides down it, his massive hands covering his head and face. There’s no fight in him.
“Logan?”
“Leave me the fuck alone,” he growls as I step closer to him. Maybe there’s a little fight left. Emily holds up her hand. She’s got this.
“Logan?” Her voice is soft and low. She bends down in front of him. “Honey, come on.”
“No.”
“Sweetie, come talk to me.”
“I don’t want to.” His voice is weak, childlike. Emily isn’t touching him, but she’s holding out her hand, waiting for him to make the first move.
Eventually, he reaches out for her, letting her comfort him. She rubs his arm as he stands up and wipes his cheeks with her thumb. I want to check in with him as he’s walking out, but he refuses to make eye contact. It’ll have to wait.
“We’ll be in my office,” Emily whispers solemnly.
I rub my hand over my jaw. I haven’t shaved in a couple of days, so the growth feels a little like sandpaper against my fingertips. It’s incredible how quickly a day can turn to shit.
While Emily is talking to Logan, I make my way up the stairs to find Matty. I have an intense urge to call Kayla, but she spent all day on the road. She called me when she got to her house and said she was just going to collapse. Logan’s right: this is my job. As much as there are days I question whether I’ve chosen the right profession—days when I want to walk out the door and not look back—I’m the caregiver, the guardian, the father figure. These boys need me.
Stopping in front of Matty’s door, I glance across the hall into Eric’s room through the open door. He and Edgar are sitting on the floor. They’re looking at some comic book that I’m sure is full of graphic violence and women with big tits. They look up at me warily as I take a deep breath and knock.
When I don’t hear a response, I open the door. He’s lying face down on his bed with his hood pulled up over his head. His iPod lies on the comforter next to him, and I can hear the music blasting.
Leaving the door open, I make my way over to him and sit down on the edge of the bed. He obviously knows I’m here, but he doesn’t move. I give him about a minute before I tug on the earbud wire.
He grabs it and shoves it back into his ear. Instead of fighting with him, I grab the iPod and pull the connector out so he can’t hear the music anymore. He huffs and after a minute, turns over. His eyes are red and puffy.
“You know he didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, he did.”
“No, Matty, he didn’t. He was mad at me.”
“He blames me for everything.”
I want to tell him that it isn’t true, but I have no idea if it is. I’ve barely had time to process what Logan said. The shrapnel of his bombshell is still hitting me.
“He’s gonna forget I ever existed.”
His words break me. It’s exactly how I felt when Aiden was leaving. But the difference is that there are no parents to tie them together anymore. When Logan leaves, it’ll be his connection to Matty that brings him back. If anything severs that, he could very well disappear from Matty’s life forever.
“He won’t, Matty.”
“How do you know?” He sniffles and wipes his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Because I know he loves you. He can’t stay in care forever, though. You know that.”
He nods pathetically, tears welling up in his eyes.
“We’ll work it out, okay? I can’t make promises about what will happen, but I can promise I’ll do my best to make sure you and Logan can still hang out once he leaves. In the meantime, I want you to talk to me, or Kayla, or Emily, or Aiden, or whomever you feel comfortable with. But you can’t keep hiding.”
“‘Kay,” he agrees.
“Promise?”
He nods again. I put my hand on his head and then stand up to leave, my back to Matty.
“I’m going to go check on your brother. Dinner should be ready in a few minutes.”
“Dean?”
I turn around and am hit full force in the chest. Matty wraps his arms around me, holding on for dear life. He doesn’t have to say anything else. I hug him back as tightly as I can.
This is exactly why I do what I do.
Chapter 28
Kayla
I wake abruptly on my couch before the sun has even hinted at coming up. After an extremely long day at work and the trip to Ely, I changed my clothes and lay down to watch some TV. I must have fallen asleep.
Reaching over to grab my phone, I hit the button to check the time. It’s 5:32 a.m., but I can’t dwell on how early it is due to the fact that I have three missed texts and a missed phone call—all from Dean. My heart jumps up in my throat, beating frantically. I don’t know whether to be scared or excited.
K, I know you’re tired, but call me.
Are you up? Need to talk to you.
Gonna call just in case.
As I hit the button for my voicemail, I suddenly feel very nervous.
&nb
sp; “Hey, it’s Dean. I know you had a long day, but I need you to call me as soon as you get a chance. We had an incident with Matty and Logan. Everyone’s okay, but there are some things we need to talk about.”
I swear out loud several times. This can’t be good—but he said everyone is okay. My mind races with the possibilities. Did Matty have another panic attack? Did Logan get into a fight? Make a threat? He’s seen what happens when threats are made—he wouldn’t do that, would he? I have nowhere left to put him. He would have to go to an RTC, and Matty wouldn’t be able to follow.
I hit CALL and wait impatiently for Dean to pick up.
“Hello?” he mumbles into the phone. “This is Dean.”
I want to slap myself. It’s not even six in the freaking morning.
“Crap, Dean. I’m sorry. I wasn’t even paying attention to the time.”
“Hey, no. Good morning. I was up.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’ve been kind of zoning in and out. I’m awake.”
“I just got your messages. What happened?”
I hear him take a deep breath. “Logan had a meltdown last night.”
“Logan or Matty?” I’m not sure I heard him clearly. Or maybe he said the wrong name, seeing as it’s the buttcrack of dawn.
“Logan.”
I take a second to consider what he’s telling me. Logan is my rock. He acts out, but he doesn’t have meltdowns. If he lost the plot, something bad must have happened.
“Is he all right?” I ask calmly.
“Well, I’m not his favorite person in the world right now, but he’ll survive.”
“What do you mean?” I ask hesitantly. “What did you do?”
There’s shuffling, and the sound muffles slightly before I hear him breathing again.
“The guys down at the shop picked up an old Honda for him to fix up.” I don’t say anything, waiting for the problem. “The car’s for him, Kayla,” he continues. “As soon as it’s put back together, the title belongs to Logan.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I overreacted,” he admits. “I told him no.”
I know I’m missing something. It’s far more like me to overreact about Logan getting a car than it is for Dean.
“Why do I get the impression that’s not the whole story?”
Dean sighs heavily on the other end. “Because it’s not.”
Again, I’m silent, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I have to guess?” It may sound rude, but it’s too early for me to censor myself.
“I’ll tell you,” Dean concedes. “But not over the phone. Regardless, he got pissed at me. He started yelling. He said some things.”
“What sort of things?”
“Like I said, Kayla, I’d really rather talk about this in person once I’ve had a cup of coffee and a shower. Can you come by today?”
“Probably. Let me get into my office. I’m supposed to meet Kate this morning for a rundown on my cases. Let me see if I can push it to this afternoon. That way I can include whatever happened with the boys, too.”
“That sounds good. Text or call me. I’m here all day.”
“I will. Hey, Dean?”
“Yeah?”
“I need to know so I can prepare myself—should I start looking for a new placement?”
“No. We handled the meltdown. Don’t worry about that.”
“Good. Thank you.”
* * *
I smile when Dean opens the door to Wyatt House later in the morning. “I have other cases, you know.”
He reaches for my shoulder, pulling me inside, and doesn’t take his hand away after closing the door. Instead, he slides it down to the middle of my back.
“Hi, Kayla,” Emily calls from her office.
“Hey, lady.” Aiden grins, walking down the hallway. Reaching me, he leans in and kisses me on the cheek.
“All right, all right. Stop harassing the woman,” Dean scoffs, pushing his brother away with his free hand and, in turn, pulling me closer to him. “She’s here for business, not pleasure.”
My face flushes with the dirty thoughts that pass through my mind when Dean says “pleasure.”
“You want to do this in your office or mine?” Emily asks.
Dean nods in the direction of his office. When we get there, Emily and Aiden take a seat on the couch next to each other. I sit in the chair in front of Dean’s desk and he leans against it, his feet crossed in front of him.
“You already know what led up to the meltdown,” Dean says solemnly.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure I understand it,” I admit.
Dean looks over at his brother. Aiden nods, and I watch Dean’s appearance change in front of my eyes. It’s almost as if he’s put on a mask. Color drains, emotion disappears, and his body posture becomes rigid and controlled.
“You know I got into a car accident when I was sixteen,” he starts. I nod. Without looking at me, he continues. “I have triggers. I was driving a tricked-up Honda when it happened—same make as the car Logan was given. He started talking about speeding…” Dean shifts his weight, staring at his feet. “He caught me off guard, and I reacted poorly. He got upset and threatened to leave and never look back.”
I know where this is going. My stomach churns.
“Matty was sitting right there,” Emily adds, shaking her head. “He ran out.”
I groan. “Oh my God. I just had this conversation with Logan. He knows Matty’s worried about what’ll happen when he leaves.”
“He was upset,” Emily defends. “He wasn’t thinking about what he said.”
“Obviously.”
“He went off about how he was tired of always protecting Matty from everything. He started screaming about being hungry, and…beaten.”
I flinch. I know Logan was abused. When he first came into care, he had a black eye, was covered in bruises, and had evidence of previously broken bones. But he’s never talked about it.
“Kayla,” Dean says solemnly. “Logan admitted to being molested.”
I swallow my breath. “By who?”
“He didn’t say,” Emily tells me.
“But he said he was?”
“He said their mother let some guy touch him so she could get high. That the guy wanted Matty, but he took his place.”
I feel sick. Logan certainly isn’t the only kid in my caseload to have suffered sexual abuse, but I hate that he’s held it in so long—that he didn’t feel like he could trust me. And I’m simultaneously awed that a nine- or ten-year-old boy would put himself in a position to get hurt to save his little brother.
“Did he say anything else?”
Emily shakes her head. “I got him into my office, hoping he was in the frame of mind to talk, but he shut down completely. Wouldn’t talk about anything. He said I must have heard him wrong. We offered to let him stay home today, but he refused.”
I close my eyes. “I should’ve sent him to a therapist. He’s gone before, but he hated it. It’s been awhile.”
“You could try again,” Aiden offers. “He might be in a different place now.”
Dean shrugs. “It might be worth a try. I wouldn’t get my hopes up, though.”
“What about Matty?”
“I talked to him,” Dean says, his voice smooth. “He thinks Logan blames him for the abuse, but we had a breakthrough.”
“How so?”
“He talked to me. He let me comfort him. I think he’s realizing he can trust me.”
My eyes widen. “That’s a huge step for him. Huge, Dean. He doesn’t usually take to men at all. Neither of them do.” I slap my hand against my forehead. I should have seen it a long time ago.
“Understandable, if what Logan said is true.”
I nod. “So, what’s the plan?”
“Logan’s really angry with Dean right now.” Emily frowns. “I’ll mention to him about going in to talk to some
one.” She and Aiden stand.
“Thanks, Em.”
They walk out, leaving Dean and me alone in his office. I look up at him, and his green eyes are watching me.
“How are you doing?”
“Fine, I guess.” I shrug. “Sometimes I hate my job.”
He reaches out his hand, helping me up. I take it and find myself standing between his legs. He doesn’t let go of my hand.
“Hang in there, sweetheart.”
“I should go,” I say reluctantly. Though I’d much rather stay here in Dean’s office with him. “I have that meeting with Kate.”
He lets go of my hand and stands up straight. “I’ll walk you out.”
Before we get to the door, I turn. “Hey, can I ask you a favor?”
“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”
“My dad and stepmom are having Andy and Sara over for dinner. Andy wants me to go so I can run interference if his mother consumes too much wine and starts talking about marriage and grandbabies.”
Dean chuckles. “Sounds like something my mom would do.”
“Yeah, well. I need a little support myself. Will you go with me?”
Dean smirks at me. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
My heart rate jumps. Is that what I’m doing? I guess it is.
“There will be good food and most likely entertainment,” I sing.
“Hmmm, that sounds promising.” He takes a step toward me. I look up at him. It’s suddenly very hot in here. “Your brother’s not going to like it. I don’t think he’s a big fan of mine.”
“Don’t worry about Andy. He’ll be on his best behavior, I promise.”
He reaches up again, his hand pushing a strand of hair from my face. His eyes burn through me. I’m about two seconds from melting.
“Yeah, I’ll go.”
* * *
“Talk to me, Logan.”
“‘Bout what?” His hands are in his lap, his legs bouncing up and down nervously.
“About what’s going on with you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I sigh heavily. Matty stonewalled me as well. I’ve been at the school for the last hour and a half, sitting in the conference room in the main office. After getting nothing out of Matty, other than that he’s fine, he likes Dean, and he hates Simon, I sent him back to class and called for Logan. I feel like a freaking interrogator.