by J. A. Little
“Logan.”
“No, wait. I’m not done. When she told me she was having my baby, I freaked the fuck out, and I was looking for a reason to throw it all back at you so you couldn’t kill me. Then I saw you and Dean and I had my reason, and I…” He stops and finally makes eye contact with me. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, but I promise you—I swear to you that I will take care of her. I won’t fuck up.”
“Yes, you will,” I say quietly. Logan’s mouth drops open. “Everybody fucks up once in awhile, Logan. It’s human nature. If your goal is to never make mistakes, you’re setting yourself up for failure, and that’s no way to start your life together. The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes. You have to listen to each other and work together to make things better. I’m not happy about the way things happened. Actually, I’m downright pissed about the way you two went about it, but it is what it is. We all have to move on. We’ve got a little person on the way, and you two need to get your shit together. Period.”
“I’m trying,” Logan says earnestly.
“I know you are. And I forgive you.” A giant grin grows across his face, his dimples making an appearance. “Go home, kid. You’ve only got a few more days with the boys before you and Brayden officially have your own place.”
“I know, right? That shit’s crazy. The place is sweet, too. Emily took us over there yesterday. It’s got like curtains and stuff.” It’s both sad and very heartwarming to hear Logan get so excited about simple things like curtains. I stand up. So does Logan.
“I’m gonna go say bye to Claire. You’re coming tomorrow, right?”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” I assure. My heart aches. I know it took a lot for him to say what he said. I love this kid and want so much to see him succeed. He walks away toward the sliding glass door, but stops before opening it, turning to face me again. His eyes meet mine.
“Thanks.”
* * *
When I go back to work on Tuesday, I’m thrown right back into the thick of it. A home visit two hours away, two in-office parent visits, what feels like four hundred phone calls, and a stack of paperwork that has to be submitted by the end of the week.
At the end of the day, I rush home, change, and pick up a waiting Claire before heading over to the high school, where Dean meets us.
We watch hundreds of kids traipse across the stage to receive their diplomas. I almost cry when Logan’s name is called. I’ve seen several of my kids graduate from high school, but this one hits me hard for so many reasons. I also think about the fact that I’ll probably never see my little sister do this. I have no doubt that she’ll graduate one way or another, but I’m not sure if this kind of celebration is an option for her anymore. She’s sitting beside me, her face beaming, eyes filling with tears as Logan takes his diploma from Principal Sylvester. I’ve noticed her hand slipping down to her stomach more than once tonight. I think it’s all finally becoming real for her.
Brayden gets a huge roar and some serious screams when his name is announced. I can see Dean holding his breath, most likely waiting for the kid to pull some kind of crazy-ass stunt. I know because I thought Logan would do the same thing. Luckily he didn’t. Brayden glances in our direction, smiles, and accepts his diploma. Dean lets out his breath.
“Dude, I can’t believe I actually graduated,” Logan booms, bouncing over to us after it’s all over. He lifts Claire off the ground and swings her around before planting a kiss on her mouth. “I love you!”
“I love you, too,” Claire giggles. Setting her down, he moves on to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
“Thank you,” he whispers. I choke back my tears and nod. Logan lets go and grins, looking over at Dean next to me.
“Dean,” he greets him seriously.
“Logan. Congratulations.” Dean offers Logan his hand.
“Thanks,” Logan says, taking it. After a second, Dean pulls him into a hug.
“Good job, kid.”
I reach for Dean’s hand as Logan makes his way through the rest of the group. When he reaches Matty, I watch carefully. They stare at each other for a minute before Logan grabs him and pulls him into a tight hug, and then pushes him away again, ruffling his hair.
“God, I hope they survive this,” I sigh, resting my head on Dean’s shoulder.
“They will. Aiden and I survived much worse. I’ve got Matty set up with the therapist for Thursday.”
“Does he know?”
“Yes. He seems okay with it. I mean, he’s not thrilled, but he didn’t whine about it. I guess time will tell.”
“I guess it will.”
Brayden walks over with Caitlynn. He has lipstick all over his face. I try to keep a straight face.
“Say cheese,” Emily chirps from behind my shoulder. Brayden puffs out his chest and puts his arm around his girlfriend while Emily snaps a few photos. “Now, wipe your face and let’s get a presentable one,” she laughs.
“What?” Brayden looks confused. Emily holds the camera up to show him the picture. “Ah, man,” he groans. “I look like a total douche! Baby, that was mean.” He scrubs his gown sleeve over his face and Caitlynn wipes away what’s left, giving Emily a perfect picture.
We spend the next God-knows-how-many minutes taking pictures, and then head back to the house for a celebration. Dean says it’s good for the rest of the kids to see their brothers succeeding. Logan brings Claire. Dean assures me that the boys have all been warned not to harass her. And although they stare—a lot—they are polite. She and Caitlynn spend most of their time giggling at the younger boys as they try to impress them.
While everyone makes their way toward the kitchen, I approach Logan and hand him a couple pieces of paper. Dean hangs back with me, watching.
“What is it?” Logan asks.
“That is the court order granting you custody of yourself. Your guardianship to the state of Minnesota has been rescinded. You are officially emancipated.”
He stares at the papers. “Really?”
“Really. And now, since you’re simply my little sister’s boyfriend, I can give you this.” I hand him a card. Inside is a check for two hundred and fifty dollars. “I know it’s not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but…”
“It can buy us a crib,” Logan says quietly, without looking up. “Is it enough to buy a crib?” I can feel my lips curve upward into a smile, but they’re trembling, and my eyes are starting to sting.
“Yeah, Logan. I’m pretty sure that’s enough to buy a crib.”
“A good one?” He lowers his voice. “Claire’s used to good stuff. I want her to have a nice one.”
I don’t answer. I can’t. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth, I’ll start bawling.
“You’ve got plenty of time for that, Logan,” Dean says. “Go eat. Have fun.”
“Okay.”
“And put that in a safe place,” he yells as Logan walks away. “You all right?” Dean asks when I sniffle.
“I’m fine,” I assure. “I just don’t know what to make of him these days. Last night he apologized for the way he’s been acting, and today he’s thinking about the future and how he’s going to take care of Claire and the baby.”
“He’s been thinking about that for awhile. He just needed to figure some shit out.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Why do I get the impression he didn’t figure it out on his own?”
“I just pointed him in the right direction,” he laughs. “He found his own way there.”
When the party starts winding down, Logan, Claire, Caitlynn, and the rest of the boys make themselves comfortable in the den to watch a movie. Matty, who’s been missing for a good portion of the evening, walks into the kitchen as I’m helping Dean clean up.
“Hey,” he says, looking around.
“Hi,” we respond in tandem. He goes to the fridge and pulls out the milk to pour himself a glass.
“You ready for this?” Dean whispers.
“No, but I don�
�t have much of a choice.”
“You want to use my office?”
I smile, but it’s halfhearted. “That would be great, Dean. Thank you.”
Dean pulls out his keys and hands them to me.
“Hey, Matty,” I say softly. “Come with me, I want to talk to you about something.”
Once in Dean’s office, I sit down behind his desk while Matty takes a seat in front of it, but I feel awkward with the furniture between us and move so that I’m sitting next to him.
“So, we need to talk about a few things,” I begin.
Matty sighs, leaning back into his chair. “Logan?”
“He’s part of it, yes.” I nod. I hear him muttering under his breath, but don’t catch what he’s saying. “Look, Matty. I…I can’t be your worker anymore.”
His eyes widen. “Why?”
“Do you know what a conflict of interest is?”
He nods slowly. “I think so.”
“It means that I’m involved with you as more than just your social worker.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You aren’t just one of my cases, Matty. With Logan not only dating Claire, but the two of them having a baby…”
“So I get fucked over again?” he cries, his voice cracking. His eyes well up with tears. “He does stupid shit, and I’m the one who ends up paying the price?”
“Matty—”
“Fuck that, Kayla. I’m so tired of this shit. I’ve spent my entire life following him from foster home to foster home because he can’t stay out of trouble. I’ve never complained ‘cause he’s always kept me safe, but…” The tears stream down his face.
“Matty, sweetie. I need you to calm down.”
“No! It’s not fair,” he wails.
“I know it seems that way.”
“He has no idea. I don’t even think he cares anymore. It’s all about him and Claire and that stupid baby.”
Matty keeps going, and I let him get it out. He needs to vent. I don’t understand some of what he’s saying, but it doesn’t matter. By the time he’s done, his cheeks are flushed and tear-stained, his eyes red-rimmed.
“Who’s gonna be my worker?” he asks softly.
“My coworker, Dana. She’s in my unit and is really nice. She’s been doing this for a long time.”
“But what if she moves me?” he cries. “Then I’ll never see you again.”
“Of course you will. It doesn’t matter where you are, Matty. I will always be in your life.” I grab his hand. “As much as I don’t approve of what Claire and Logan have done, there’s a positive aspect.”
“What?” he mumbles, disbelieving.
“We’re family now. That baby is part of both of us. You’re going to be its uncle. I’m going to be its aunt. Trust me, honey. You’ll be sick of seeing me.”
“But you’re not gonna have a say in what happens to me?”
I sigh heavily. I’m sad that this has to happen. “Dana’s a good caseworker. She’s going to take care of you.”
He looks down. “Can’t you just adopt me or something? I mean, if we’re already family…”
I smile sadly. “As much as I would love to, Matty, that’s not the way it works.”
“Never mind. It was a stupid idea,” he rushes out.
“It’s not a stupid idea. It’s just…” I take a breath. “Look, sweetie. I’ll bring Dana by to meet you in a few days. Or maybe next week. You’ll like her.” He stands up and makes a face. Despite the somber conversation we just finished, I smile because he looks so damn cute.
As we’re heading out of the office, Matty shakes his head. “I’m gonna teach that kid every bad word I know,” he grumbles. I laugh lightly. I’m glad he seems to be taking this in stride, but I can tell that something is off, and it worries me. Matty melts down when he holds in his emotions. He’s been doing so well, and I really don’t want anything to jeopardize that.
Chapter 64
Dean
“Dean. It’s good to see you again. Did you have a good week?”
I nod and fight back a smile as I shake hands with Colin and flop down in a chair. “Yep.”
“Good. Why don’t you tell me about it?”
I recount the week and then the weekend, leaving out the sex. He doesn’t need to know about that shit. I’m sure he can put two and two together.
“Sometimes it’s nice to get away. Helps clear the mind and improves focus. It sounds like it was relaxing.”
“It was,” I agree, but apparently there’s something in my voice Colin finds suspicious. He tilts his head and watches me. I squirm a little in my seat.
“Good. Well, let’s get started. I’d like to know what you want to focus on first. We’ll get to everything eventually, but sometimes there are things weighing on our minds that overwhelm and intrude upon the healing process. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
I don’t answer at first. I know that this is exactly why I chose to go to therapy, but it’s not easy to admit my stupidity. There’s something about Colin, however, that makes me want to spill my guts.
“I let my ex-wife move into my apartment,” I blurt out.
“Okay. Is this something you’re worried about?”
“Yes,” I say adamantly. “I’m not living there anymore, but I haven’t told Kayla, and I’m afraid she’s gonna flip the fuck out.”
“So, you allowed your ex-wife to move into an apartment you don’t live in, and you’re concerned your current girlfriend won’t understand.”
“Right.”
“Can you tell me what led to the decision to allow her to move into the apartment?” I tell him about Stephanie’s situation. “When you extended the offer, what did you hope would happen?”
I shake my head, not really sure how to answer. “I don’t know. That she’d finally get herself together. That her kids wouldn’t grow up in the system.”
“What will you get out of it if she succeeds?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? At all? Would you feel proud of her if she succeeded?”
“No. Not really.”
“Then why would you risk your relationship to help her?”
“Because…I guess I still feel like I failed her. Like I wasn’t good enough for her to change. If I can play even a small part in her getting clean, maybe that feeling will go away and I’ll feel good enough for Kayla.”
Colin leans forward. “You have to come to terms with something, Dean. You cannot control what other people do, and if you try, eventually you will be disappointed.”
“So what do I do?”
“You stop basing your view of yourself on other people’s actions. Whether or not Stephanie succeeds has absolutely nothing to do with you. She makes her choices just like you make yours. We can blame whomever we want for our decisions, for our vices, but at the end of the day, we are the ones responsible for whatever road we take.”
“Do I tell Kayla?”
“That’s up to you.”
“I hate that fucking answer. You know that, right?” I scoff.
Colin smirks. “What I’m saying, Dean, is that how you decide to conduct your relationship is one of those things that you have control over. Obviously, it’s been bothering you,” he surmises. I nod. “So, what will make it stop bothering you?”
“Telling her.”
“Okay.”
“What if she gets pissed?”
“Be honest with her. Tell her what you’ve told me.”
“I’m not good with words. I end up saying shit wrong.”
“Is this something new?” he asks. I shake my head. “She’s aware of it and she loves you anyway?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“I know how important she is to you, Dean. If she doesn’t understand, bring her here with you. It’s something I don’t usually do until a few visits in, after we’ve established a good rapport and have really begun to get into the heart of the matter, but I can make an exception.”
&nb
sp; “Thanks. I appreciate it,” I mumble.
We talk a bit more about Steph and my issues with trust. I tell him about how Kayla and I started our relationship and how I feel about her. I also tell him about my dream.
“How did you feel when you woke up?”
“Weird. I knew it was a dream, but I had to feel her stomach just in case. I don’t know why.”
“And when you confirmed she wasn’t pregnant?”
I sniff and scratch the back of my neck. “After I found out Abigail wasn’t mine, I didn’t want kids. I would have gotten a vasectomy, but my brother talked me out of it. Being a father isn’t on my radar.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I know I have to be honest with him. “Kayla’s different. I’m kind of glad Aiden didn’t let me get snipped.”
“Well, you have time to make those decisions. Let’s focus on one thing at a time.”
“She’s taking care of her little sister now. And probably a baby soon. If I’m going to be with her, I have to accept that helping her take care of them will be my responsibility, too.” Colin nods, not in agreement, but for me to continue. “I’m okay with that. At first I was kind of freaked out by the idea, but when I got to thinking about it… I don’t totally suck at taking care of kids.”
As I’m leaving his office, I consider what we talked about in regards to Stephanie. He’s right. I can’t control the outcome of her case and it’s time to focus on what’s important in my life: Kayla, Claire and Logan, the boys, Wyatt House—my family.