“Okay, I know it’s a little fancy –” She starts.
“It’s way fancier than you let on!” I say. “I didn’t know it was gonna be Titanic-level fancy.”
“You’ll do fine,” Ms. Smalls assures me. “There’s going to be the opening speech, and then we’ll eat dinner, and dessert. During coffee the MC is going to ask you to come up to the stage, and they’ll announce the winners.”
I clutch my shaking hands. “Ack, now I’m nervous.”
She pats my shoulder and smiles. “Trust me, Evelyn. You’ll do great. Just play it as cool as you can.”
Halfway through pork roulade stuffed with spinach and walnuts and crisp red cabbage sliced thin and seasoned with lemon-ginger aioli, I look up. Mom’s been chatting with our tablemates nonstop, and one of them sounds familiar. I recognize her face.
“Mrs. Green?” I raise my voice. The woman looks to me, squints, and then smiles brightly.
“Evelyn Jones? Is that you?”
“Oh my god,” I breathe. “It is you. How have you been?”
Mrs. Green was my AP psychology teacher in high school, and the only teacher who noticed when I started retreating into my shell. She was kind, yet ineffectual, but I didn’t blame her – I was so withdrawn at that point, she wouldn’t have been able to help me out of my shell. No one except Kyle could’ve. But I didn’t keep up with him, and we fell apart. Mrs. Green is here because they called in teachers from all over the state to judge the participants. We catch up across the table, talking about how the school has changed, and about the people we both knew.
“That boy,” Mrs. Green digs into her cheesecake. “The one that followed your every shadow. What was his name?”
“Kyle?”
“Yes, that’s the one!” She points her fork at me. “Very quiet, very polite, very bright. Did you two keep in touch after you moved?”
“Not as much as I wanted to,” I say quietly. She nods.
“That’s understandable.”
“What happened to him after I left?”
“Oh, he became quite different! He talked more, made some friends with the football team, and I think he joined the Varsity team in his Junior year! He got so much taller and stronger – like all boys do at that age if they’re given a bit of room to grow.”
Kyle, the Kyle I knew, on the football team? I feel my brow quirking on its own.
“Good for him,” I say.
“Oh yes,” Mrs. Green agrees. “I know he had problems at home, so seeing him flourish was really heartwarming.”
I tilt my head. “Problems at home?”
“He didn’t tell you? You two seemed so close, I’m shocked he didn’t mention it.” She looks surprised, then leans in and murmurs so only we can hear. “His father beat him quite bad. In places we couldn’t see, of course. But I knew the signs.”
I knew he lived in a trailer park with his Mom and Dad, of course. He told me that. I knew his Dad was hard on him, but not that hard. I never saw bruises on him. He must’ve taken great care to hide them from me. Part of me is confused; why would he hide them from me? Was he ashamed? Did he think I’d think he was weak or something? I know it’s pointless now, but I want to ask him.
I hope even harder now that - wherever he is - he’s happier.
“Do you know what college he went to?” I ask. Mrs. Green thinks on it, then shakes her head.
“I think he might’ve taken a year off.”
I furrow my brows. It’d be nice to know where he got to after high school. I’ve checked his facebook occasionally, but it was deactivated years ago.
“Eve, are you getting nervous?” Mom asks, forcing me out of old memories. She pats my hand, and nods at the stage, where the MC is setting up. My stomach instantly starts roiling. An entire year’s worth of tuition is huge. I’m barely scraping by with my job, and even if my GPA hasn’t dropped yet, I know I’m doing worse in my schoolwork. All my focus grinds down to just the MC, who calls us up. Me and seven other well-dressed people approach the stage. We shuffle nervously, the stagelights blaring into our faces. Only one name comes from the MC’s lips, but it’s not mine.
“Kyle Jackson.”
I feel my body go numb as I watch the winner walk up to the MC. He’s tall, in a fitted tux, his hair dark and shaggy and falling in his eyes.
Mismatched eyes.
He stops in front of me, our gazes meeting, and he goes stock-still.
“Eve?” He whispers.
“You,” I feel my lips forming the word, but I don’t recognize my own voice. IT’s drowned by the applause from the crowd. The MC’s voice cuts through my shock.
“Kyle Jackson? Come on up! You’re the winner!”
We’re transfixed, staring at each other disbelievingly. His brown eye is suddenly two brown eyes – a deep, rich mahogany color. I’ve seen these eyes before – these are Kyle’s eyes. I’ve seen them full of tears, uncertain, nervous, angry, smiling. Now that his real name is attached to his face, I remember it all.
‘I’ve lied to you,’ his voice echoes in my head. ‘I’ve been lying to you since the moment we met in the alley’.
How? How did he change his eye color? Is he really –
“Kyle!” The MC shouts with higher intensity. “Come here young man, and let’s get you your prize.”
Kai’s eyes flicker, and before I can blink he’s grabbed my hand. Unlike the mall, this time I run with him, out of the hotel ballroom, out of the hotel itself.
“W-Wait,” I say breathlessly. He slows, and I kick my heels off and grab them. We keep running until we’re surrounded by the trees of the park, until the hotel is a faint outline on the block. I pull my hand from his, and while I’m panting and struggling for breath, he looks barely winded.
“I-It’s not possible,” I struggle. “You can’t be –”
“I changed my name,” He says instantly, coolly, almost like he’s practiced this. “I took my mother’s last name when I turned eighteen, and told everyone to start calling me Kai.”
“But your eyes –”
“I wore contacts through all of high school,” He continues. “My dad hated my eyes. He thought I was a demon.”
“Is that why he beat you?”
His mismatched eyes flash with sharpness, softening quickly. “How did you know about that?”
“Do you remember Mrs. Green from AP Psych? She was there, at the awards ceremony.”
“The one we just ran from?”
I can’t help the tiny laugh that bubbles up. “Yeah, that one. Did you – Did you follow me to this college?”
“No! This was my third choice. When I saw you I thought –” Kai shakes his head, and exhales. “It sounds corny as hell, but I thought it was fate. It had to be fate.”
“And you – you didn’t tell me,” I say slowly. “You didn’t tell me you were Kyle. That whole time, that night in the motel room, you knew and I didn’t?”
Kai reaches out for my hand again. “Evelyn –”
“No!” I pull away. “I gave you a chance to tell me, and you didn’t do shit!”
“I didn’t want to lose you!” He growls. “Would you have believed me even if I told you that night?”
I want to spit something back, but nothing comes to my lips. He’s right. I wouldn’t have believed him, even if he told me, because I didn’t trust him.
“I didn’t trust you, and I slept with you,” I murmur. “I don’t trust you, so I only barely believe you now.”
“The dam,” he says. “That night when I said I’d jump with you, and you stopped me.”
Who else would know about it except Kyle and I? I’m suddenly awestruck by how much he’s changed, and reach out to his face. He doesn’t flinch away, closing his eyes as I run my hands over his eyebrows, softly over his eyelids. His browbone looks familiar – I saw it knit with worry all the time as a teenager. My fingers work their way to his jaw, admiring how sharp it is now, compared to the little pouches of baby fat I was used to seeing. His chi
n is the same as Kyle’s, and his broad lips - which looked so uneven on his teenage face – fit perfectly now. Those lips have kissed my throat, my chest, my legs. Those lips promised to die with me, as foolish a teenage flight of fancy as it was. He’d been my first friend – my best friend - up until the very moment I moved.
And now he’s more. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first night.
My fingers tremble upon touching his lips, and he reaches up and holds them.
“You should’ve let me jump,” I say. “That night.”
“Never,” He mutters, leaning in. His smell of leather and peppermint somehow impossibly lingers even when he’s in a tuxedo. “I could never let you.”
“Why me?” I ask. “You could have any girl you want. You had them all. So why me?”
Without a word, he reaches to the base of my neck and lifts my head up softly, kissing me with all the passion of that night in the motel; a dark, sweet fever that sends chills through every inch of my body. Somehow, beyond all belief, we’ve found each other again.
We pull away, and he leans in. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Only if it’s the truth.”
“I started trying to forget you the moment you left,” He says. “I came here, and tried to forget you even harder. Every girl was a way to drown you. But your voice would always be there, in my memories. No matter what I did, no matter how much noise I brought into my life, I could never drown you out.”
Everything in me goes soft, but I’m determined not to show it. I still can’t believe it’s really Kyle. His secret ran deep, and for a brief second I can understand why he didn’t want to tell me. I’ve got my own secret I haven’t told him – a secret that’s tainted me down to my very marrow, a secret that makes me distrustful and unpleasant.
“Any other girl would treat you nicer,” I say. “Don’t choose me.”
He kisses me again, until I’m breathless. “Too late. I can’t choose anyone else but you.”
TEN
I just want to melt in his arms, and let this moment last forever. I never thought the boy I’d grown up with would love me like this – so boldly, without hesitating. He dips his tongue in my mouth, and I push back against him, suddenly hungry for his touch.
“I missed you,” I say. “When you left, I –”
He silences me with another kiss, then pulls back. “I’m never leaving you again, I promise.”
“You will,” I feel tears start to well up. “You’ll leave when you know how messed up I am.”
“And you don’t think I’m messed up?” He laughs, and when I don’t even smile, he pulls me into his chest. “You and I can be messed up together. Whatever it is, however bad it is, I’ll stay with you. I’ll help you work through it, just like you helped me all those years ago. I was ready to give up, and then you became my friend, and I had a reason to live. That’s what you’ve always been for me, Evelyn. My reason to live. And I was an idiot for being scared of that.”
He cups my cheek, pulling me in for a kiss deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. All my worries, all the wounds in my heart are dulled, like his touch is a shot of pure morphine. He’s my painkiller. When I kiss him, everything is right in the world for just a single moment.
“Take me somewhere,” I mumble.
“Where?”
“Anywhere but here.”
He smirks and tugs on my hand. “Your wish is my command.”
We make our way down the sidewalk, my phone blowing up with my Mom’s text messages asking where I am. But I don’t want to talk to her right now – I don’t want to talk to anyone but Kai. Kyle? No – he’s Kai now. He leads me to his motorcycle and hands me the helmet I used last time. This time, I’m not as nervous as I ride with him. I wrap my arms around his back, hugging him close, and I can feel him laugh, rumbling low in my chest.
The wind drowns some of my anxiety, and by the time we reach his apartment, I’m much calmer.
“I’ve never seen your place before,” I say. “It’s nice.”
“You think?” Kai looks up at the plain brick apartment building covered in ivy. “It’s a bit of a dump on the inside, but it does the job. And I like the view. Come on.”
He leads me inside and up the stairs. His apartment is number 203, the bronze lettering a little faded. Inside I can see it’s a studio apartment, a queen-sized bed in one corner and no kitchen – just a microwave and a mini-fridge. Posters of rock bands litter his walls, and I expected it to be messy, but the floors are clean, and while a few jackets hang on the faded couch, there’s not much in the way of clutter. Books pile next to his bed, and that’s when I know he’s definitely Kyle – he went everywhere with a book. He’d always have a few in his bag, preferring to read during lunch than eat. That’s why he was always so skinny.
“You still have Where the Red Fern Grows,” I point to his book pile. He smiles shyly.
“You know it. The saddest, best book I’ve read. Well, one of the best. I’ve read too many to call just one book ‘the best’. Are you thirsty?”
He opens the fridge and pulls a bottle of water from it, tossing it to me. I manage to grab it, and drink, my throat suddenly parched.
“Thanks.”
“Anytime.” He sits on his bed, shedding his leather jacket. He loosens his tie, unbuttoning a few buttons from the top of his shirt and exposing the skin of his pecs. “God, these kinds of clothes get on my nerves. You don’t mind if I change, do you?”
“Not at all.” I turn around, and he chuckles. I hear the rustling of cloth, my memories vibrant with exactly what his skin looks like, smells like. His muscles are a faint outline in my mind, and I burn to know what exactly he looks like. That night we were together was made fuzzy by booze, but now in the cold light of day I want to see him again.
I turn around, his gorgeous back rippling with muscle definition as he takes off his shirt. He’s so broad, so different from the Kyle I knew. My fingers itch to touch him, and as if in a daze, I feel myself walking towards him. I put my palms on his shoulderblades, so sharp and hard. He jumps a little, then turns his head to look at me with those mismatched eyes.
“Ev? What are you doing?”
I turn my touch into a hug, pulling him close against my chest. He smells the same as I remember, a smell I tried to forget – leather and smoke.
“Hey,” He turns around, brushing my hair out of my face. “You know your touch drives me crazy, right?”
I blush. “I’m not trying to drive you crazy.”
“I know, and that’s exactly why you do,” He smiles. He leans in, his lips glancing across my neck gently. I hear a moan from my own lips, in my own voice, and yet it doesn’t feel like it’s me at all. I’m losing myself in his touch, his lips moving down to my collarbone. He bites softly there, and I squirm, new sensations melting through my body. I want him. I want more of him – no, I absolutely want all of him.
I push him down on the bed, and he quirks one eyebrow in surprise.
“Feeling feisty, Lioness?”
I try to pull my own dress off, but I can’t reach the zipper. After an awkward moment, Kai laughs.
“Need a little help?”
“Yes, please,” I pout, willing my blush to go down. He kisses my shoulders, pulling the zipper down slowly and dragging his lips along with it. I suppress my shiver, but he feels it. Something in him snaps, and he rips the dress from me with a hunger I didn’t know he had. He grabs my ass, growling appreciatively.
“Goddamn, Ev. You look even better in the daylight.”
I turn, and dance my fingers along the hem of his pants. “What about you? It’s not fair when I’m the only one undressed.”
He smirks, and unzips his pants, pulling them down. I can see the hard rod straining against his boxers, and I feel my heart flutter. His waist is shaped like a perfect v, toned and lean. His strong arms reach around and undo my bra, his eyes glimmering as my breasts bounce free.
“I’m the luckiest man alive,” He suc
ks in a breath, and kisses the curve of my breast.
“N-No,” I manage to say. Kai looks up, confused.
“What’s wrong?”
I tug at my panties, letting them pool around my legs. He sees it and presses harder against me, his boxers the only thing separating us now.
“Come on, Ev.” His voice is low and gravelly. “Don’t tease me like this.”
“I’m not,” I say. “This is yours for the taking, whenever you want.”
“Right now,” He demands.
“Right now,” I agree, and capture his lips with my own. That one move is like a sign for him. He lets his boxers down, his pride unleashed for all to see. Before I can blink, he pushes me up against the wall, grabbing one of my legs and wrapping it around him.
“Hold on tight, Lioness,” He smirks. “Because you’re going for a ride.”
He enters me slow at first, like he’s testing me, and when he’s all the way in I feel so full, so perfectly content. But then his hips move, and I remember exactly what it felt like that night to be in his bed. His every thrust is deep and hard, finding all my most sensitive spots and sending them into pure bliss. My entire body is going into overload, my brain short circuiting. I can barely feel the wall anymore, my entire focus on where he and I meet.
“Evelyn,” He pants. “Fuck, Evelyn, you feel so good. There’s no one like you.”
He kisses me, deep, and a wrap my other leg around him, now completely pinned to the wall by his furious thrusting.
“I love you,” I moan, feeling my own edge coming. “I love you, Kai.”
His eyes widen, his thrusting slowing. His dark hair falls in his surprised expression.
“Ev, you - you mean it?”
“I – ah! I do! Kai, please – harder.”
His lapse in attention is quickly remedied as he starts up again at full speed, so deep and thick I can barely breathe. My mind goes blank, and I hear my name on Kai’s lips, over and over and over.
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