Waiting for Baby

by Cathy McDavid

  “If you’re not too busy afterward,” he said, his tone casual, “I have some ideas I’d like to run by you.”

  “About our agreement?”

  “Yes. And a few other things, too.”

  “Okay.” She remained dubious, not sure how she felt about being alone with Jake.

  “We can use Gary’s office.”

  “I need to—”

  Her sentence was cut short by a stabbing pain in her lower abdomen.

  No! Not here, not now. Not again!

  A second pain followed the first one. She didn’t need to see her face to know all color had drained from it. While not terrible, the cramps were unexpected and alarming and too much like the ones preceding her previous stillbirths. She fought the wave of mild dizziness overcoming her. Only her hand on the railing kept her from swaying. Tears filled her eyes, distorting her vision, and she uttered a small cry.

  “Lilly, are you all right?” Jake’s arm circled her waist.

  “I, ah…” A third cramp robbed her of further speech. Vaguely she realized people were staring.

  So, apparently, did Jake.

  “Come on. Let’s get you out of here.”

  Jake guided her toward the barn. Lilly didn’t object. Without thinking, she leaned into him and rested her cheek on his jacket sleeve. Instantly, she relaxed. A minute later—or was it several minutes?—a door appeared in front of her.

  She glanced around, recognizing the room as an office. By the time he lowered her to a threadbare flowered couch, her pain had diminished, along with the dizziness.

  Thankfully this episode, like the one in the parking lot the other day, hadn’t lasted long or been too severe.

  “You can stop fussing over me,” she mumbled. “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not.” Stretching out her legs, Jake grabbed an old blanket, folded it into a square and positioned it under her raised feet. “You’re pale, perspiring and shaking like a leaf.”

  “Am I?” Lilly touched her forehead and found it damp. “It’s a little warm in here.”

  “Yeah, must be all of fifty-six degrees.”

  “Really, I’m okay.” To prove it, she propped herself up on one elbow. “I had a charley horse in my leg, that’s all.”

  He sat on the edge of one couch cushion and studied her intently. “Are you sure?”

  She nodded, unable to verbalize another lie while he was staring at her with that concerned look in her eyes.

  “Hey, boss. Is Ms. Russo all right?” Gary Forrester, Jake’s manager, stuck his head in the door. “Want me to call 9-1-1?”

  “No,” Lilly insisted before Jake could answer.

  “Give us a minute,” Jake told Gary. “And pull my truck around if you don’t mind.”

  “What for?” Lilly asked.

  “In case I need to drive you to the emergency room.”

  “That won’t be necessary.” What she really wanted was to phone Dr. Paul and get her opinion before being rushed—again—to the emergency room, only to be sent home after several hours with instructions to rest and see her doctor the following day.

  She refused, however, to call Dr. Paul in front of Jake.

  “Just do it.” He nodded at Gary who promptly left, closing the door behind him.

  It suddenly occurred to Lilly how small the office was and how close she and Jake were on the couch. Not counting her impulsive hug at the center, they hadn’t been this intimate since their dating days.

  “I’d like to try sitting up,” she said and struggled to get her balance. Jake helped by holding on to her elbow. His strong grasp felt familiar and reassuring. “Thank you,” she said once both her feet were settled on the wood floor.

  “Can you walk to the truck?”

  “I’ll be fine in the van.”

  “You’re not going back to the center.”

  “Truly, I’m okay.” She pushed off the couch. “See?”

  She stood a total of two seconds before another cramp hit. She cried out, more in surprise than agony, just as Jake caught her and eased her onto the couch again.

  “That’s it. I’m taking you to the hospital now.” He held her protectively, both arms around her.

  “I want to call my doctor first.”

  “Your doctor? Damn it, Lilly, what’s wrong?”

  The combination of pain and fear and hormones and Jake was too much, and she started to cry. Before she knew it, the words spilled from her mouth. “I’m pregnant.”

  Jake stiffened, although he didn’t withdraw.

  Lilly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. For better or worse, he knew about the baby. As the cramp waned and her breathing returned to normal, she waited for his reaction.

  Chapter Five

  “How far along are you?”

  “About nine weeks.”

  Jake stared at the winding mountain road and tried to recall a time he and Lilly had failed to use protection. There’d been that one night in the hot tub at his place. He hadn’t worried much because she’d sworn up and down the first time they made love that she was on the pill.

  “Nine weeks,” he repeated and calculated dates. Definitely the night in the hot tub.

  Not two weeks later, he’d ended their relationship. Had she known then she was pregnant? Probably not. Something told him she was every bit as shaken by this turn of events as he was.

  “When were you planning on telling me?”

  He’d insisted on driving her home—would have driven her to Payson and the emergency room if her cramps hadn’t subsided. A phone call to her doctor had eased their anxiety. Dr. Paul had prescribed complete bed rest for twenty-four hours and told her to go to the E.R. only if the camps continued or if Lilly began to spot. She further assured them by saying she’d call Lilly at home to check on her later that evening.

  Lilly had initially refused Jake’s offer of a ride home, citing the center’s policy that two staff members had to accompany clients on field trips at all times. He countered by suggesting Briana go with Georgina in the van. Lilly finally relented, but only after additional persuasion by Jake and Georgina.

  He and Lilly had spent the first half of the twenty-minute drive in complete silence. Jake had needed the quiet to recover from his initial shock. Even now he wasn’t entirely ready to talk, but he knew they should.

  “To be honest,” Lilly said, her face toward the passenger window, “I was going to wait until I reached my fourth month, when I started showing. Around the middle of January.”

  “January!”

  “The chance of a miscarriage lessens after the first trimester. If I…if anything happened—”

  “You had no right to keep this from me.” He hadn’t meant to snap and instantly regretted his tone. “I’m sorry. I’m still trying to cope with…the news.”

  The baby. Why couldn’t he say the words?

  Because he’d just learned that he was going to be a father again.

  “I don’t blame you for being angry.” She abandoned the passing scenery to look at him. “I didn’t deceive you intentionally. I really was on the pill and I’m as shocked as you are.”

  “I’m not angry. Just upset. You should’ve told me from the start.”

  “I practically did. I’ve only known about it for the past two weeks.”

  “Come on. You said it yourself. If not for your cramps, we wouldn’t be having this conversation until January.”

  She didn’t disagree.

  “Are you planning on keeping the baby?” he asked after a moment.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll help.” He wasn’t sure what he could do; they had a lot of decisions to make. But he’d be there for Lilly and their child, before and after the birth. “If you need money—”

  “At this point, money isn’t the issue. It’s whether or not I can carry to term.” Her eyes suddenly misted with tears. “Or how long the baby will survive after the birth.”

  “Why wouldn’t the baby survive?”

  “The othe
r three didn’t.”

  Jake’s hands froze on the wheel. He quickly corrected his steering when the passenger-side tires went off the road and onto gravel. “You’ve been pregnant before?”

  She sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. “The first two babies were stillborn, one at five and a half months and the other at seven. A blessing in disguise. At least that’s what well-meaning people told me. My son, Evan, lived. His deformities weren’t quite as severe as his siblings. But the machines could only do so much, and he didn’t reach his first birthday.”

  “Good God, Lilly. I’m so sorry.” She’d told him about her former marriage. Not a single mention, however, of stillbirths or a son. “Can I ask what was wrong with him?”

  “All three of my children had a trisomy disorder. Most of their major organs didn’t work right or, in some cases, were missing. Their limbs were also shrunken and their heads misshapen from tumors.” Her voice became flat and robotic, as if she was trying to distance herself from what she was saying. “The cause was a chromosomal abnormality. Faulty DNA. Mine, to be specific. My chances of having a healthy baby are supposedly fifty-fifty. So far the odds haven’t been in my favor.”

  “That must’ve been really hard on you.” He winced at his lame and grossly inadequate response.

  Lilly didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe she’d already heard the same thing a thousand times before.

  “I didn’t plan to ever get pregnant again,” she said sadly. “I went so far as to schedule the procedure to have my tubes tied, but chickened out at the last minute.”

  “Maybe this time you’ll get lucky.”

  She turned back to the window. “It’s easy for people who have healthy children to say that.”

  “You’re right. I was thoughtless. The fact is, I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve had to endure or how I’d act in your shoes.”

  She didn’t respond, and they drove the remaining three miles to Lilly’s house in silence. Jake wasn’t finished talking but didn’t pressure her to continue. He figured they both could use a break to regroup before the next round.

  “I don’t suppose you’d leave if I told you this isn’t a good time,” she said at the front door of her house.

  “I would if you insisted—and if you promised to rest.” Jake had walked her from his truck, observing her carefully for any sign of more cramps. There’d been none, but he was still cautious, not wanting another scare. “How are you feeling?”

  “Better.” She fished a ring of keys from her purse and unlocked the door.

  “Has this happened before?” He accompanied her inside. “The cramps, I mean.”

  “Last week. And with my previous pregnancies.” She choked on the word.

  Jake went to her, put an arm around her shoulders and led her to the living room couch, where he arranged the pillows. “Lie down. I’ll get you some water.”

  She nodded and did as he told her.

  He knew his way around Lilly’s kitchen, having visited her house during the time they’d dated. Drinking glasses were kept in the cupboard to the left of the sink. He removed two and filled them with ice and water. Once that was done, he paused. Five seconds stretched into thirty, then sixty.

  There was no reason not to return to Lilly. Yet somehow he couldn’t bring himself to leave the kitchen. Not until he’d sorted through some of what he was feeling.

  She was having a baby. His baby. And from what she’d told him, one who might not be born normal—if at all. Jake had fathered three daughters, and while his ex-wife, Ellen, had fretted endlessly, he hadn’t given potential complications of the pregnancies more than a moment’s thought.

  He remembered lying in bed one night just before Briana was born, his hand on Ellen’s stomach. She’d asked him if he would still love their child even if he or she was born with something wrong. He’d answered yes, giving her the reassurance she needed, never really considering the reality of “something wrong.” Those kinds of tragedies happened to other people, not him.

  Now he’d have to consider it.

  He’d also have to decide what to do if the baby was born normal.

  Jake pushed away from the counter and took the glasses of water to the living room. Regardless of the baby’s health, he and Lilly were in this together. Possibly for the rest of their lives.

  He paused at the archway leading to the living room, brought to a halt by his sudden worry. His daughters were already having trouble coping with a stepfather. How would they feel about a new sibling? One who might be born with a chromosomal abnormality.

  “I’D LIKE TO GO with you to the doctor tomorrow.”

  Lilly braced a hand on the couch cushion and sat up straight. Surprise gave her voice an edge. “You don’t have to do that. It’s just a routine examination.”

  Jake handed her the glass of water before sitting down on the couch, which put them in close proximity. Too close.

  “I want to. I’m the baby’s father, and I have a responsibility to go with you.”

  “There really isn’t much need at this stage.” She took a sip of water and set the glass on the side table before her trembling fingers could give her away. Why hadn’t she insisted he leave when they were standing outside her door?

  “No need because you might lose the baby?” he asked, crossing his legs.

  “Yes, that’s part of it.”

  “Even more reason for me to be there.”

  She was no stranger to his stubbornness, having encountered it before. Those occasions, however, had involved the ranch or center’s business, not her personal business.

  “If your cramps return or the news isn’t good,” he said, “you don’t want to be alone. You won’t want to drive yourself home.”

  She reluctantly conceded that his argument had merit, and in all fairness, she couldn’t refuse him. Like it or not, he had certain rights, along with duties and obligations. They’d have to decide on those, as well.

  Pressing a palm to her cheek, she closed her eyes. It was too soon. Everything was happening too fast. She’d believed she’d have more time and more answers before informing Jake of her pregnancy. If only she could take back the last couple of hours…

  “Are you okay?”

  “Fine,” she said and tried for a casual smile. “I just hate inconveniencing you.”

  “No problem. I can rearrange my schedule.”

  “Why not wait until later when I have an ultrasound?”

  The instant she made the suggestion, she regretted it. Hadn’t she told Dr. Paul no tests? Now she was committed. And worse, Jake would be in the exam room, viewing the monitor along with her. What if Dr. Paul found something irregular or of concern? Jake would ask questions, become involved, think he was entitled to participate in any and all decisions. Lilly wasn’t sure she could handle bad news and his take-charge attitude.

  God forbid he’d want her to terminate the pregnancy. He hadn’t mentioned abortion so far, but maybe that was because he hadn’t thought of it yet. Dr. Paul would likely bring up that option if the ultrasound indicated any…irregularities. Lilly’s other doctors had.

  So be it. Jake would have no more luck convincing her to end her pregnancy than her ex-husband had.

  “I know about doctor visits and that they can be emotional,” he said with a compassion she hadn’t expected. “Remember, I have three daughters. I went with Ellen to the doctor’s quite a few times.”

  Emotional didn’t begin to describe Lilly’s appointments. “Your ex-wife’s pregnancies were all normal. Mine weren’t.”

  “I’d like to talk with your doctor if I can.”

  She nearly fell off the couch. “About what?”

  “Your genetic problems. The baby’s health.”

  “Why?” Alarm stiffened her spine, and her face felt hot. “I’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

  Wrong. She’d tell him only what she wanted him to hear and judging by the narrowing of his eyes, he’d guessed as much.


  “What’s really bothering you, Lilly? Surely your ex-husband went to the doctor with you.”

  Husband. Jake’s question hit the nail square on the head. They weren’t married. While he had rights when it came to the baby, he didn’t where she was concerned, and she wasn’t about to let him coerce her into doing something she didn’t want to do, like Brad had.

  “Everything’s moving a little fast for me.”

  “For me, too.”

  “It’s not the same.” She shook her head. “For one thing, we aren’t dating anymore.”

  “Lots of unattached couples have babies together and make it work.”

  “We aren’t a typical couple experiencing a typical pregnancy.”

  “That’s true,” he said after a moment. “And you have every reason not to trust me. I handled our breakup badly. But I promise you I won’t abandon you or this child. Regardless of…the circumstances.”

  Lilly huddled in the corner of the couch. Jake could be a steamroller when he made up his mind about something, and she wasn’t about to let him into her life again, at least not anymore than necessary. He’d already walked out on her once when the situation between them was a whole lot less complicated. For all she knew, he might do it again, and she’d had her fill of men leaving her when the going got tough.

  He reached for her hand. She hadn’t realized how cold her fingers were until he wrapped them in his much warmer ones, and her instinct to pull away faded.

  “What time is your appointment tomorrow?” He stroked the inside of her wrist with his thumb. It was something he’d done frequently when they were dating.

  She remained mute, trying to resist the familiar sensations his touch evoked.

  “Will you tell me if I promise to keep my mouth shut during the visit?”

  “When have you ever done that?”

  Though she’d been mostly serious, he laughed. “It won’t be easy. But I’m a man of my word.” He sobered, and his grip on her fingers tightened.

  “True.” She remembered the last promise he’d made to her. It was in this very room, on the night he broke up with her.

  I won’t make things any harder than they have to be by beating around the bush.