“I’m failing to see your point,” Captain Brand said, taking a step down from the small stage and moving toward her. “And Atlanteans are a delightful species. They make the best seaweed curry this side of Mars.” He nodded at the fish creature.
“Thanks,” the Atlantean said, fidgeting uncomfortably under all the scrutiny.
Captain Brand smiled, and it was like watching the sun rise. Damn. Maybe I was the teeniest, tiniest part bi. I took a deep breath as I looked him up and down, and well, used a mostly harmless spell to see what he looked like naked. Okay. OKAY. So it was a bit fucked up on my part because hello, privacy, and the whole do unto others thing, but as I saw his sculpted abs and biceps, my heart started to race, and my breathing quickened.
“He’s a cyborg from the waist down!” I snapped, leaping to my feet before I could stop myself.
“I am,” the captain said, turning his smile on me, and it quirked up in one corner like an erstwhile Han Solo. “I lost my legs on the blood beaches of Sindra ‘Kai. My pal Jeffry Hodges threw me over his shoulder and marched my happy ass sixteen miles to the drop ship while I concentrated on blowing those dragons out of the goddamned sky. By the time we made it, I was half dead and out of ammo. I’d had to resort to using my gun like a goddamned club, and Jeffry, well, that man is a goddamned hero.”
“You give me too much credit, sir,” the vampire said, his cheeks coloring as he looked away. “I was just doing what anyone would have done in that situation.”
“I put in for the Medal of Federal Honor, but he refused because he said he was just doing his goddamned duty.” Brand turned and shoved his finger in Chloe’s chest. “So you will sit your ass down, pray to God you become half as good as the average soldier on the shit beach of bumfuck nowhere, and if I hear so much as another word out of you, I will throw you into the goddamned sun, are we clear?”
When she didn’t say anything because she was too stunned to do more than open and close her mouth like an Atlantean out of water, the captain nodded to her. Then he shot a quick glance at me that told me he knew exactly what I’d done with my whole “x-ray vision” thing and found it slightly amusing.
With that, the captain turned and strode back to the platform, leaving Chloe to stand there as he continued.
“Our mission is simple. We all board the Endeavor and leave the atmosphere. Once we’re in space, Miss Quinn will use the ship’s pulsar crystals to teleport us ahead of the Maverick armada. Our ship’s fairy will be able to keep us cloaked while we set a net of fusion bombs in their path. The bombs can track movement so it should get all of them provided we get it in place in time. That finished we will blow the whole thing sky-high.” He gestured at the screen where a half-dozen ships were erupting into mushroom clouds.
“Just like Quantico,” Jeffry the vampire said, nodding. “I think we can do that without too much difficulty.”
“Exactly,” Captain Brand replied. “And without their armada, Zug will be forced to stop his invasion and rebuild his fleet. Only, we won’t let him do that. As soon as his fleet is destroyed, we’re going to teleport to Maverick itself and crack that fucking planet in half so we can suck out the juices.”
“Um… why?” I asked before I realized I’d spoken out loud. As everyone’s eyes turned to me, I decided to just go with it. I knew how guys like this worked. You couldn’t show fear. “Why would we go to Maverick if we’ve taken out the fleet?”
“Because those under Zug’s command deserve some freedom too,” Captain Brand said, snorting at me as he turned his back to us and advanced the screen to show a mud-colored planet with an American flag sticking out the top. “Unless you want them to keep living under the yoke of tyranny.”
“Guess America rules Earth now? Who knew, eh?” Chloe said, glancing at me and rolling her eyes so hard, I thought they’d pop out of her head. “Guess I should go inform my Canadian brethren about how worthless we are.”
6
I still couldn’t believe everything that was happening, and as I walked around on the sterile, metallic deck of the Starship Endeavor, it still didn’t feel real. I mean, Jesus, aliens were real, and not only that, there were lots of them.
Now I was getting sent into space to fight them with a vampire, a werewolf, a fish guy, a fairy, and a cyborg. It was like a bad joke. How the hell had I let myself get talked into this? Okay, they were paying me a lot, and all I had to do was teleport the ship, so it should be fairly safe, but for all I knew they were gonna blast me with that Men in Black neuralyzer thing and ship me back home none the wiser.
It was almost worse because I had no idea how this spaceship worked. Hell, I wasn’t sure if this was the deck or if there were other decks because I knew absolutely nothing about starships except what I’d gleaned from that Trekkie chick I’d dated a while back, and it really hadn’t been that much since I never really got into the show. Hey, don’t judge. I just prefer my science fiction with magic.
Still, from the fancy doodads everywhere and the weird portholes on the sides, I didn’t gather any special knowledge other than it looked like they had straight up ripped off its design from Firefly. No, I was going to need someone to walk me through the ship, which probably wouldn’t take that long since the ship wasn’t that big.
“So, uh, what do you do?” I asked, glancing up to see the fish monster who had been in the conference room earlier.
“I’m a telepath,” the Atlantean said in his glub glub voice because, of course, the fish person could read minds. That made total sense. “Have you looked at your holo? It has breakdowns on every member of this mission.” He pointed at the chrome disk I clutched in my hand. I hadn’t actually “read” it because I didn’t know how to make it work. “I provide communications. The fairy can cloak the ship with her pixie dust. Jeffry the vampire is our tech guy, and the werewolf, Chloe, is the muscle.” He pointed at me. “You’re the one who’s going to teleport us across space.”
“Oh,” I said, glancing at the disk in my hand. Truth be told, I’d walked onto the starship to do some good old-fashioned snooping even though we weren’t supposed to leave for another couple hours. I’d also been hoping I could settle down in my bunk and figure out how to work the space-age contraption before anyone realized how out of my element I was. Well, that and I wanted to look at my inter-dimensional pouch full of a billion dollars in gold a bit more. Okay, a lot more.
It was both bigger and smaller than I’d expected. Which, yes, was exactly what she said.
Also, in case you wondered, swimming in gold coins is impossible. Even for a witch.
“I don’t know how to make it work,” I said, shaking the holo disk in front of myself while running my other hand through my hair and brushing it behind my ear. “I’ve tried pressing it all over, asking it nicely, shouting at it, and throwing it, and so far? Nothing.”
The fish person laughed, which was weird as hell because it sounded like someone banging a gong underwater mixed with that weird screechy dolphin noise. “I’d be happy to show you how it works… miss?”
“Mallory Quinn,” I said, holding my hand out to the slimy creature. He stared at my outstretched hand for a long time before his shoulders slumped. Then he reached out very slowly and lightly grasped my hand. It was a little weird because his flesh was both sticky and slimy at the same time, reminding me of the time I’d, well, the less said about my time in that alley after that rave, the better. “And you are?”
“Call me Oliver. You’ll never be able to say my real name,” he warbled, his weird eyes shifting to stare down at our still shaking hands. I hadn’t realized it, but I hadn’t let go and had continued pumping it like I was trying to draw water out of a well. Man, I probably seemed like a weirdo. “And you can let go now. I doubt this feels as good for you as it does for me.”
“Why is that?” I asked, trying to ignore the heat spreading across my cheeks as I hastily released his hand and wiped the warm, viscous slime off on my jeans. It left a glistening smear on them wh
ich made me want to change into new pants even though I didn’t have other clothes with me.
“Atlanteans have sex by shaking hands,” the fish said totally straight-faced as he snatched the holo from my other hand. “Now to make it work, you just tap this silver button here in the center.” He turned the holo over and showed me a silver spot that was nearly indistinguishable from the rest of the sphere.
“Wait, hold the fuck up? You just tried to have sex with me?” I asked, eyes wide as I stared at Oliver in horror before dropping my eyes to the slime on my jeans. “That’s… OMG, I can’t even.”
“In actuality, you offered to have sex with me. I was trying not to be rude since you’re not my type.” He gave me a weak smile. “But I’m flattered all the same.”
“You’re fucking flattered?” I asked as Oliver pressed his webbed thumb against the button and a holographic image of Captain Brand appeared above it. “That’s all you have to say? Not maybe stopping to mention that you were going to spooge all over my hand?”
“I assumed you knew,” Oliver said, giving me a non-committal shrug, and before I could properly scream at him, the hologram made eye contact with me, dazzling me with Captain Brand’s stupidly handsome eyes.
“Greetings, Miss Quinn. I trust everything is okay?” the hologram asked, and then stared at me, waiting for a response.
“Um… yeah,” I said, trying my best to ignore the fact I might have fish person semen on my jeans. God, I was going to have to burn them, and maybe cut off my hand. It was a bit sad that because I was really sort of attached to it.
“Excellent. I would like to remind you that we’ll be leaving in 2.37 hours. Please make sure all your requisite gear is stowed safely on board. As a matter of convenience, three standard Federation Uniforms have been added to your room. Be aware, they are self-fitting, so as soon as you put one on, it will morph to match your size.” The holographic figure nodded at me.
“Um… what’s the purpose of this thing?” I asked, looking past the hologram to Oliver. I didn’t quite like him, but at the same time, he was the only other person here, and I mean, we’d just had weird fish sex, so we were sort of close, I guess… “I already got all this from the briefing.”
“That holo will serve as your own personal guide. It will relay orders or give directions. Hell, it can even have oysters delivered to your room, assuming we have oysters on board.” Oliver grinned, showing me a mouthful of baleen.
“Do we have oysters?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at the fish person. “I mean, I don’t really go for oysters, but if they’re free…”
“Do you think this is a Chinese buffet?” he asked, the ridges above his bulbous eyes shifting into an expression that either meant he was hungry, or I was an idiot. Hell, it probably meant both. “No. We’ll get standard Federation pellets. They taste like ass, but—”
“Federation pellets are a concentrated dose of everything you need to perform at optimal potential,” my holo interrupted, holding one hand out in front of itself, displaying a handful of lime green pills that sort of smelled like spinach, which was crazy because I didn’t know holos had scents.
Oliver took one glance at them and covered his mouth conspiratorially with one hand. “I hear, that’s all bullshit, and they’re just made of kale.”
I shivered. I absolutely hated kale. It was fine when you fried it with bacon, but honestly, so was everything, and if I had it my way, I’d just eat the bacon on a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. As that thought flitted through my brain, my mouth began to water. I was starved.
“So is there anywhere to actually get real food? I was supposed to get some pizzas, but evidently there was a mix up and they never arrived.” I raised an eyebrow at Oliver and gave him the smile my mom said really made my eyes pop. “I honestly have no idea about how any of this works. I don’t usually get off the planet much.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Have you been on many missions?”
“There’s nowhere we can go on base.” He pulled open his brown bomber jacket to reveal a pair of bronze sandals hanging around his scaly blue neck. “This is my third mission, which means I’ll get my Silver Sandals upon completion. You get the bronze ones after your first one.”
“What’s it do?” I asked, leaning in to get a better look at the jewelry. It looked really cheap, and I didn’t feel any magic coming off of it, but at the same time, I sort of wanted one. “And what did you get for your second mission?”
“You get nothing for mission two.” He grumbled a bit before continuing. “It displays my level of achievement to everyone. Why I can show this at any Federation bar and get my drinks for half price. Appetizers too if it’s Tuesday.” He smirked. “But the silver ones make appetizers always half off…” He smacked his lips together. “Man, I could really go for some cheese fries. Wanna get some?”
“Um… sure… Wait, you’re doing this to save a couple bucks on cheese fries?” I asked, but even as I said it, I wanted to laugh because I had a billion dollars in fucking gold. I could buy an infinite amount of fries, yet, I really wanted a pair of sandals too because a penny saved is a penny earned.
7
“So, uh, how come no one is screaming and waving their hands and being all like ‘OMG there’s a fish monster! Someone get Richard Carlson stat!’” I asked, raising an eyebrow at the Atlantean as the waitress at Red Robin brought him his third plate of endless fries. “That was a creature from the Black Lagoon reference, in case you wondered.”
“Will you need anything else, sir?” the waitress asked, blushing slightly as she batted her eyes at Oliver while fidgeting with her hands. “Anything at all?” And then she winked, actually fucking winked at the Atlantean.
“I’m quite fine,” he said, dismissing her as he grabbed his beer off the counter and took a swig that drained half the glass in a single gulp. “Actually, bring me four more of these, and another shot for the lady.”
“Whatever you want,” she said, her lips quirking into a tight smile as she eyed me caustically. Then she spun on her Nike-clad heel and wandered off to get him his beer even though he’d already had two. Then again, he didn’t really seem drunk, so there was that.
“I think I must be missing something,” I said before taking a bite of my burger, causing the fried egg on top to explode, spraying egg yolk down my arm and onto my fingers. I chewed thoughtfully as I stared at my arm before bending down and licking the yolk off my skin because I was a strong American woman, and I didn’t give a flying fuck what people thought of me as long as they didn’t look at me weird or anything. Then I’d have just left, but I mean, at the same time, I was with a fucking fish monster.
“Have you no manners?” the Atlantean said before picking up his fish taco and taking a bite that engulfed the whole thing. He chewed thoughtfully while regarding me for a moment. “I mean, I’m not asking why everyone is staring at you like a goddamned heathen.”
“I have so many manners, it’s actually my middle name,” I replied around a mouthful of burger. Then I swallowed and grabbed my strawberry lemonade and took a hearty swig before chasing it with a shot of Jameson because fuck it, the fish guy was paying with a corporate credit card.
“Mallory Manners Quinn?” Oliver asked, raising a ridge that doubled for an eyebrow before inhaling the rest of his fries in a single gulp. “That seems unlikely.”
“Actually my middle name is Rose.” I slammed down the shot glass on the table between us and grinned at him. “You can make fun of me when you stop drinking Bud Light. Good beer comes in only one color, darker than my soul.”
“Interesting,” fish guy replied, finishing his beer before turning to his last taco and regarding it thoughtfully. “I had no idea we were so close, you felt comfortable joking with me.” He smiled, revealing his baleen. “I’m glad, seeing how we’ve already had sex and all.”
My cheeks reddened, and before I could stop myself, I threw a fry at him. He caught it in his open mouth as the waitress came back with our drinks and set the
m in front of us.
“Everything okay?” she asked, glaring at me so hard, I was almost embarrassed just sitting here. Why was she so angry? Did she think I was into Mr. Tall, Dark, and Fishy? Pass.
“Everything but my lack of fries is okay,” Oliver replied, gesturing toward his empty plate. “Could you please remedy that?”
Her cheeks flushed scarlet as she turned to look at him for a long time. “Sorry!” she squawked, and before anyone could say anything, she was gone so quickly, I actually expected to see a Wile E. Coyote outline where she’d been.
“Okay, what the fuck is going on?” I asked, gesturing toward where the waitress had been. “I mean, no offense, but you’re you, and she’s not a fish monster.”
“I’m not a fish monster, and if you keep calling me one, I’m going to get angry. Besides, every time you say it, I sort of get the feeling you might be speciesist,” Oliver said, grabbing a beer in each hand and draining them both simultaneously. Man, I wish I had him on my beer guzzling team at Beer Fest.
“Sorry,” I said, my cheeks flushing as I stared at him. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“It’s okay, and to answer your question, I’m using a holographic image projector to look like Matthew McConaughey.” He gestured at me with an empty glass. “Because you’re magical, it lets you see through my disguise since I don’t have the deluxe version.”
“Well, that explains everything,” I muttered, my eyes widening in thought as I took another bite of my burger before licking my fingers. “I bet that gets you tons of ass.”
“It does. I won’t lie,” he replied, smirking at me knowingly. “I might even let you borrow it sometime.”
“Sweet,” I said as my mind drifted to a dark and terrifying place. Then the waitress was back with three trays of fries.
“I loved Interstellar,” she squeaked, smiling at him.
“Me too,” Oliver replied before reaching into his man purse and pulling out a black and white 8x10 picture of Matthew McConaughey wearing the spacesuit from Interstellar. “Want an autograph?”
Maverick: A Supernatural Space Opera Novel (Witching on a Starship Book 1) Page 4