‘Mm. The Shepherd Paris. Have to hope he not like him in other way, he make bad choose of woman.’
‘Choice. Oh.’
The Rubens blonde toddler John the Baptist caught my eye: you as a baby, I’d said to Jeremy.
‘Precioso. But you should look at Spanish children like these,’ he said, pointing to the Velazquez serious, brown-eyed boy and an older version of him on a horse.
‘Don’t, it might never happen.’ And if it does the child won’t look Spanish anyway.
‘So… your favourite?’
I took him through into the oval room. ‘Here she is. Madame de Pompadour.’
‘Ah yes, amante of King Lou-is fifteen.’
‘But later platonic friends. She looked after artists, asked for paintings about friendship and loyalty. She loved music and beautiful things. A good and gorgeous person.’
‘Look like you.’
‘Well, the slight double chin maybe.’
He shook his head and laughed, then went over to admire the next paintings. Pale, voluptuous and immodest Venus in various settings.
‘Mars and Venus surprised by Vulcan,’ I read. ‘Her husband’s caught them out? Oh dear. But he doesn’t look that bothered.’
‘No. Look, here they are again. And more… Dios mío, why not make Boucher an enormous picture of her follando and finish with this?’
I guffawed. ‘Why don’t I take you to lunch before you get us thrown out of here?’
We went down to the restaurant. The waiter overheard him and started talking to him in Spanish, then recognised him and said how much he had enjoyed his show in Madrid.
‘Does that happen a lot?’
‘In Madrid, Sevilla… Most are women.’
‘That must be… er…’
He leaned forward. ‘Listen, I’m not gay, Yoli. But with Jeremy… I am enamorado. And en serio… for the first time.’
A sharp pain - one that I used to know all too well, but now cruelly taking me by surprise. I’d so wanted him to be in love with me, even just a little, even just briefly. He stroked my cheek, all sympathy; no doubt he’d seen my expression on many a face before. I quickly reminded myself how it didn’t matter anymore, this was about Jeremy.
‘But how are… Aren’t you a bit worried that…?’
‘Worried? Aterrorizado! But also… sure. He is…I wait for him all this time. But is difficult with the dancing, my family… has to be secret.’
‘So you could never… live together?’
‘No. And Jeremy understand this.’ Our meals arrived.
He took my hand. ‘And Yoli, is important, I not take Jeremy from you, entiendes? You will come to Sevilla many times, can be together as three in all the holidays. Like I say, Venice, no?’
‘That would have to be four.’
‘Ah, yes.’
‘We should come here again, with Jeremy,’ I said. A more feasible outing. ‘I’ve heard you’re good at painting yourself.’
‘I am better at caricaturas. Jeremy not show you the one I did of him?’
‘He said he left it in Cádiz. Can you do one of yourself? It would be a nice surprise for him when he comes home.’
‘Maybe. I wish I could stay more time…’
He finished his lunch and rang the hospital. After a succession of sís and a few say-agains he put the phone down and grinned.
‘Much better. He sleeped, had good lunch, sleeped again and then they take… test and find the presión is lower. She says he goes to normal ward soon, maybe tomorrow. Oh, and he sit in chair and read maga…?’
‘Magazine, revista. That’s great!’ Nothing about his confusion, but surely if he was reading… ‘But let’s correct some of that English: slept, said, sat…’
The Blackberry buzzed a text.
‘Javi.’
Nando said he’d pay and meet me in the shop.
‘Hola! I’m in an art gallery, waiting to go back and see Jeremy.’ I told him how much better he was doing.
‘And you? Did you go to the check for your eye?’
‘Er… no. But we’re… I’m putting the drops in and it’s fine.’
‘And your finger?’
‘Okay with Nurofen. You alright?’
‘Of course. But I miss you. Are you sure you don’t want me to come this weekend?’
‘I don’t know. It’s just possible that Jeremy might come out of hospital then and I’ll have to help him a lot.’
‘Already?’
‘Well hopefully. Maybe I could get his friend Ginny to come and stay the following weekend so I could come over.’
‘Oh yes. Ask her, Yoli. Send my saludos a Jeremy.’
Jeremy asked me to come closer. He went for my plait, but just wanted to admire my Madame de Pompadour hair bobble. I let Nando describe our outing, and watched Jeremy remember the paintings, agree that the three of us should go to Venice, and then look delighted with his Guardi pen, Canaletto jigsaw puzzle and Laughing Cavalier mints. The fog of confusion seemed to be lifting.
‘Vale. Me toca a mí. My turn. English again now.’
‘Thank God. Although here we should really be speaking Spanish,’ I said, trying to use the Spanish version of the menu.
‘We will have champaña, no? Celebrate that Jeremy moves from ICU.’
‘And has stopped pulling my hair.’
‘And calling me Fernando.’
We talked about the exhausting Eastern European tour he was about to go on. He asked me about my compositions with Javi. He also knew I’d seen David, and warned me that Madame de Pompadour was lucky; true amigos platónicos were very rare.
We walked back and agreed that relief about Jeremy was almost as exhausting as worrying about him; Duncan passed us in the hall and looked startled to see us wishing each other goodnight at just gone nine.
Then Nando pulled out two mugs he’d bought for me in the shop, suggesting we had some hot chocolate before we went to bed. We sat on the sofa trying to decide between Green and Black in the Laughing Cavalier or Bourneville in Madame de Pompadour.
‘Does this remind you of meeting Jeremy that first time?’
‘No. It remind me of us. You not like to talk of this, I know. But you don’t have to be so… avergonzada.’
‘I’m not ashamed.’ I stared into my mug. ‘No, that’s exactly what I am. It shouldn’t have happened. But we’re friends now so it doesn’t feel so bad.’ He put his arm round me. ‘But tell me, did you fall for Jeremy the first time you met him?’
‘I ask myself this. Maybe even a little from you talking of him before, I don’t know.’
‘So that’s why you wanted to come back here with me.’
‘No! Qué tontería! I asked to go for chocolate somewhere, remember? How you say this.’ He pulled me closer. ‘Repeat: I am not a-shamed.’
‘I’m not completely ashamed.’
‘No, no, try again.’
‘I’m not utterly ashamed.’
‘Utter-ly? I like, I will use.’
‘Okay. But I’m utterly exhausted, so… breakfast about nine, okay? I’ll show you scrambled eggs… untidy eggs, as you would call them. Night-night then.’
We hugged. For some while, perhaps too tired to pull apart. Until he took my face in his hands and kissed me on the lips.
‘Night then,’ I said again, and started to get up. But he wasn’t letting me go. Another kiss, his lips soft, a tension in his arms…
I drew back. ‘Um… this isn’t…’
His arms tightened around me. I put my head down to stop him kissing me again, leant my forehead on his chest. ‘Look, I’m sorry if I’ve given you the wrong idea but…’ I wouldn’t sleep with you again if you were the very last man on earth. That’s what I thought. Then, perhaps too weary to come up with anything else, I said it.
His smile faded. ‘Qué?’
‘Well, I don’t think I can make it much clearer than that.’
‘No entiendo. In Spanish.’
I gave him a subjun
ctive-free rendition. ‘It’s an expression.’
He laughed. ‘Is stupid expression. Woman wants a baby.’
‘What?’
‘If one man in world. And any-way, why is so bad, if we sleep before…’
‘Sleep? That’s hardly the word! You just buggered off, scarpered, desapareciste in the night. Not a note or a phone number, nada.’ I started to feel shaky; I couldn’t believe I was saying this.
‘Yoli, I have explained before, I was trying to make more easy for you.’
‘I know, I know, you didn’t want to hurt me.’ That old chorus.
‘But is different now.’
I looked up. ‘That’s right, it is different now. But even if there wasn’t Jeremy and Javi—’
‘There is no problem for Jeremy.’
‘Well of course there is - I mean would be. How could you think of—’
‘No, no - I don’t hurt Jeremy, never. You don’t understand. Javi? Ha. Violeta is back.’
‘Back in Granada, yes, just for—’
‘Repair of arm, but also of other things… and for this she needs Javi.’
‘Well no, but obviously he—’
‘She needs him, he needs that she need him.’
‘Is that what Jeremy told you?’
‘No, he not want to believe it.’
‘So what the hell d’you know about it then?’
He breathed out heavily. ‘I know her. Have met a few times. She try for place in the group.’ My mouth must have fallen open. ‘Don’t make face like this, I not fuck with her, even if was possible… Beautiful, talented, but very… frágil - is why I not take her in the group, or… Needs una piedra, to go home.’
‘So you think I should just stand aside and give her rock back to her?’ I had another go at standing up but he held me.
‘No, I not say this. You are good for Javi, Jeremy says. But Violeta is…’ He sighed. ‘Javi can make error.’
And already had. ‘How can you—’
‘I’m sorry Yoli. I don’t know what I say, I’m tired. No more of this. You need to have good dreams and sleep well.’ He kissed my forehead. ‘Sola, or with me if you like.’
I shook my head.
‘Okay. Goodnight, mi cariño.’
Chapter 24
recordar vt to remember
Jemery. Throughout the letter. Surely the spell check would have zig-zagged a red line under them? I nearly phoned the secretary to complain. But that was before I realised that they were indeed discharging a Jemery: a twisted version of the person who went in.
But there was also Jem. Like his mum had called him. Jem was there when he woke from his afternoon nap, slow and sweetly muddled; and in the evening, when tiredness felled Jemery like daylight a vampire. You just want to squeeze him, Emma had said, he’s like Jeff Bridges’ alien in Starman. Yes, I’d said, Ginny says it’s like seeing the sweetness of his soul, bared. I was trusting Emma to make a gagging face, but she smiled and nodded. But then neither of them really knew about Jemery.
He burst in, another day beginning.
‘Where the fuck is it?’ In his boxers, hands on his hips.
‘Where’s what? Calm down, I’ll come and—’
‘You’ve got it again, haven’t you? Get your own, fuck’s sake!’
‘I just borrowed it for a few seconds yesterday.’ To get the cyclist’s number - before he found it, didn’t understand and deleted it. ‘I gave it back to you at the table, remember?’
Of course he didn’t. He didn’t remember anything - including, it seemed, coming with me to choose a new pink phone. ‘Let’s go and have a look. Perhaps I put it down somewhere stupid. I was just about to come and make us some breakfast.’ Or more breakfast in my case; I didn’t deal with Jemery on an empty stomach. ‘Fancy pancakes?’
‘About to come and check I’ve taken the drugs, you mean.’
I didn’t answer; that battle was scheduled for later.
I went through to his flat and started rooting around while he stood there, arms folded like a foreman. I went to the bedroom but he didn’t follow; he’d picked up a mid-breakfast Pavlova and had possibly already forgotten what he’d got me looking for.
‘Ah! Found your phone! Dressing gown pocket. But it needs charging.’
‘But I haven’t worn the dressing gown.’ And didn’t I know it. ‘Ow!’ Pavlova had clawed herself out of his arms; he wouldn’t leave her alone, seemed to have lost the ability to read her body language.
‘She wants to eat. And so do we - d’you want to do the table?’
‘You put it there, didn’t you.’
‘No I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter, it’s easy to—’
‘Because you want me to wear it.’
We looked at each other; I wondered if he was nearly ready to talk.
‘Look, if I’m going to do this, you’ll have to help. And actually I think I’ve slept on my hand - can I have some of your ibuprofen?’
‘Of course.’ He opened a cupboard of cereals and pasta and closed it again. Opened another and pressed out two pills.
‘Perhaps get your stuff out while you’re at it?’
I braced myself. But he got out the packets without complaint; surely an improvement. Look for little improvements every day, the booklet had said. Ensure plenty of rest and quiet. Lots of water to drink. Possibly other things, but Jemery had thrown it away; he didn’t want me ticking off the symptoms. Things like memory problems, irritability, changes in…
He was watching me messily breaking the eggs with one hand. Then his gaze wandered uncertainly over to the packets. ‘I need to stop the phenytoin.’
‘Yes, but the doctor will tell you how, it has to be gradually. Only three days until we see him now.’
He went to the calendar, flipping over the page and putting his finger on Winchester.
‘That’s a long time off, don’t worry.’ Although I’d had to tell Andrew it was unlikely. ‘Can you get the saucepan out?’
He produced it with a Jem-grin. ‘Have we got lemons?’
We’d bought them the day before, gone to a second shop to get better ones. I wanted to put my arms round him and say try to remember, think.
‘Yol?’
‘We’ve got everything we need, yes.’
He opened the fridge. ‘Why did you put them in here?’ Pointless telling him I hadn’t. He got them out, picked up one and held it with two hands like a child. I’d be in trouble if I was caught staring, so I poured the mixture into the pan.
‘Always better at shop on the Green, for fruit.’ I looked over and must have smiled.
‘I do remember some things, I’m not completely gaga.’
I wanted to hug him. ‘And I think you also remember we don’t tend to eat together in our underwear?’
‘Yes.’
‘We don’t have to finish it,’ he said, his hand hovering over the puzzle with a blatantly obvious piece of the Dogana.
‘We’ll have to do it again when Nando comes. It’s certainly great for me - I can forget I’m one-handed.’
‘Yes, but I need to start pushing on.’
Only the day before we’d had the tantrum with his emails; how could he possibly think he was ready to get back to his novel?
‘Why don’t you start an article on your experience, how it feels to—’
‘Have a bruised brain. Be constantly man-sat. Forced to take pills that make me stupid so that I won’t bother you with a fit.’
‘Surely you don’t want another fit either?’
‘I want my brain back Yol, and you’re stopping that.’
‘Fits are dangerous Jeremy. Come on, we’ve—’
‘And you call sitting around struggling with jigsaw puzzles being alive?’
‘We’ll tell the doctor that on Monday morning, get you off it as quickly as possible.’
‘We?’
‘You’ll tell him.’
‘Yes. Cause you’re not coming, going on about…’ He looked down. Perhaps
he did remember.
‘I shan’t say a thing, just keep you company, that’s all.’
‘I said, I don’t want you there!’ He stood up, banging in to the table and sending the Venetian sky over the edge.
‘But I’ve got my appointment in the afternoon, we were going to help each other, lunch at that Thai place in between, remember?’
‘Remember, remember! That’s fucking all you ever say!’ He picked up the car keys.
‘I’ll drive you somewhere. Change of scene. Where shall we—?’
‘We aren’t going anywhere.’
My heart pounded. ‘But you can’t drive Jeremy, where d’you—?’
‘None of your fucking business!’
The door slammed. I grabbed my keys and ran out after him, catching up with him near the theatre.
‘Come back in, you’re not going anywhere in this state!’ I grabbed hold of him with both arms and was about to shout for help, but suddenly there was no resistance.
He turned to me, his face twisted with confusion. ‘You’re… always saying that.’
‘No. You said it to me, rem… When I was upset. And I listened to you and went back to the flat, we had a drink and talked.’
‘We talked about…?’
‘Javi.’
He put his hand to his head; sometimes it looked like thinking hurt.
I put my face near his. ‘Jeremy, this isn’t good for you. You need to relax, rest.’
‘I’ve done that to hell.’
‘Well okay, we’ll rest but do something useful.’ We started walking back to the flat.
‘Like what? I can’t think with this shit in my head.’
‘The first few one-to-one submissions for Winchester have come through. How about I read them and you make some notes?’
He shook his head. ‘And tell me what to think. Fuck that.’
‘I won’t, I promise. We’ll just make a start. Come on, it might even be a laugh.’
‘I don’t know, Andrew. Can you stop asking me? Nobody knows how long it takes. I read some submissions to him yesterday and he can talk about what works, what doesn’t. But he can’t really read… Well it might be his eyes, he says the words keep swinging around… No, I fixed an appointment with an ophthalmologist. Private, we can’t wait… No, it’s okay…’
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